I said my next project would be to pick out a week from my diaries and write about it. Well, I pulled out my diary from 1992 and it was an assault on the senses. Time meant that I had poured surreal nonsense  and yet what I thought to be profound wisdom onto every nook and cranny of that diary. There is a wealth of created pieces of paper which even creates three pages of a letter that I have written on a made up alphabet. I stumbled across the key moments later. It was pretty funny to read looking back. At the time I was tormented like most teenagers though. I was seventeen turning eighteen. Anyway I shall try and tackle it this week and post it. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "everything changes". You do know that time is slowly ticking by don't  you? I saw progression in someone's life today and it felt weird but I was fine about it. People have to lead their own life and pursue their own happiness. It made me know that I had done the right thing and ended up in the right place for me and my son. 
As you may gather I don't feel ready to go into it, I guess it's not MY business either. 

This evening I had our newly extended ghost team's meeting at my house and it went well and it looks like exciting times are on the cards. The house feels very relaxed after being so full of chat less than thirty minutes ago. When I am in the company of others I feel a big pull to leave that is probably not healthy. I would like to spend even more time alone than I already do which is a little worrying and yet I am on a great mood at this stage. No drink = a rational mind. 

I did a couple of pieces of writings on paranormal stuff and got some nice comments. I really enjoyed reading those. I guess that is natural. 
There is so little I care about in the world at the moment. Outside of myself and my boy. My universe really could be squeezed into a house size existence. If society packed up and went to inhabit the moon I don't think I would notice for days. 
People go on about having company etc in their partner and I have learnt that I just can't understand why anyone would want to have to consider someone else's feelings at all times. 

They say no man is an island. Well they haven't visited my island. Deliberately small and is in twenty four hour darkness so as not to be seen. No excitement is allowed and yet the one civilian it has is very content. 

I did myself proud today by getting a piece on Sleep Paralysis written quickly and posted too. I awarded myself by buying 'apple tv' which I couldn't justify a reason for needing it actually but there you go. 
I was well rested by the time I had my darling boy. Then it was straight into 'playing'mode and laughing at each other. Yesterday had been a successful one too as our ghost team managed to have a look around the old police station where we are going to host a ghost event in summer. It wasn't as overwhelming as it was last year and I think I enjoyed the setting it up this time. 
I had a pleasant two days or so to myself and my tv which was what I wanted. It feels better now that I am on top of sky recordings etc. if you mind is in order then it spreads through you. 

I intend to delve back into my diaries with a feature I call 'A week in my life ' where I pick a year and a week at random and try and conjure up what was going on that week. Something grim I would guess. 
Anyway it's all good therapy.  

The night was blowing a gale last night as my plastic canopy shook and broke. Outside now is completely calm and feels a world away. I arrived home from work and slammed in 'The Hangover-part 2' and then a very small review online. Next I read for the allotted time I had set and followed it with various mediocre tv episodes which I then deleted. 
I rang Sky to enquiry about the Terabyte box now being £49 and was told that, to me it was £150 plus £15 postage. If you are a customer of Sky then you ain't worth shit to em. 
I'd have more products if they threw me a fucking bone every now and again. 
I'm not bitter, can you tell. 

11:30pm and I am at least in bed. This drinking Pepsi instead of beer has the obvious side effect. 
But I am so much more productive and my moods have been in check. I'm so much better off having zero involvement with people. 
 
There is a plastic runner at work on a rectangle piece of carpet. It's up steps from the door though so its redundant for catching wet shoe drips on really. Now the ends roll under and it's a hazard to trip on. 
I don't understand what is so important about the floor underneath that we can let the other 95% of carpet get knackered but not this strip. Maybe it's a look I'm not up on. 
I think I will lay scraggly bits of plastic across one side of my living room floor to convince people that I have high standards. 
Weird. 

The three alarms were back waking me up on the morning but nobody sleeps well before you go back to work/school or whatever, so I was up and ready in time. A steady start at work but enough to see me through till home time. Then once home I concentrated my efforts on ghost team stuff of various natures. This year will be a successful one. My main concern is keeping on top of reviews and write ups.
I played catch up with my sky recordings and was surprised how much I enjoyed 'American Horror Story' and was surprised that I turned off 'the Bone Collector' film. 
Well, it's back to work now as usual. Early to bed ,kinda. ..bloody early to rise, that's for sure. 
I just want a quiet life. 
Let's keep it quiet. 
Three cheers for being quiet.....shhhh!

Facebook had a photo of a visit to Blackpool we went on over ten years ago. I was surprised how old my hairline looked back then. In some ways though it seems my hair line has not recently altered at all. 
Always did have a high forehead. You always know that when you look back it will become apparent that you have aged but you don't often see the way you change as it is happening. 
Good job. 
 Anyway ... Bring on the next day. 

(and make it a quiet one)

I drove through town listening to 'The Vaccines' album on my way to collect my son one last time before going back to a normal working routine. The sun shone brightly through the cold air and in between the trees surrounding the local castle. The dark shadows weaved a creepy claw across my van and yet the sun shone with a hope of warmth. The juxtaposition of the two elements put me into a storage mood. I realised that I had driven at least a mile just staring at the number plate of the vehicle in front. 
I regained my awareness of the passing scenery and concentrated on the job in hand. 
 My son keeps mentioning a mans name and I believe it's maybe my replacement, or at least a possible replacement. That is obviously understandable and absolutely fine. Yet hearing it from my son makes it feel awkward. I have known that this would be a hurdle of sorts, it's natural. 
No matter how much you don't want a person anymore, the thought of them finding someone else gives an uncomfortable feeling. 
My conscious mind has a grip on it but my Unconscious seems perturbed by it. I wish I would be told outright if this was indeed the fact. Hearing another man is around your son is cutting. But why would his mum be bothered what I felt about it? 
It's just a part of relationships and one where I have actually been the new guy myself. 
I just wish the feeling would leave. It's only day two of this year. 

It's 8:53pm on the last night of the holidays. I am drinking a Pepsi and listening to The Orb whilst I write this. My PS3 is playing the visualised on my tv showing pictures of the earth which would have come in quite useful in the days of my recreational drug taking. 
Pepsi is my most dangerous substance these days. 

The ability to 'compartmentalise' my activities is a real useful tool in my life. 
I rigidly set a timer of one hour onto my phone while I read a book. Then I allow two hours to enjoy a film. Maybe two half hour sections on a box set I'm working my way through. 
These examples have stretched too far though and it's something I need to reign in. 
I seem to have applied rigid rules to my every move and it's crippling me for no good reason. 

Let's say I eat my breakfast and I already plan to eat dinner at 12pm. 
That means if I have a snack it has to be eaten at 10am. If I have a yogurt then it has to be eaten at 2pm because I will eat my tea at a predetermined time too. 

So you see that I sometimes have to stop being so daft. 
If I'm hungry I should eat then. If I want a yogurt earlier then I should just eat it.
The problem is the feeling I feel when I have set rules and not followed them. It's ridiculous. I need to lighten up and I am trying. Spinning plates of recreation is a good way to cover all bases and utilise time the best but when it becomes all consuming, it's a bad thing. 

I can be a prisoner of myself. 

I will endeavour to be easier on myself. 



I saved a shoebox for this new year of 2012 so that I could save cinema ticket stubs and other momento's which will paint a picture of the year so that I can build up a collection of shoeboxes which itemise every year. I will write on a piece of paper inside any important results as they happen. It will be like The time capsule boxes that are popular with schools which they bury on the school grounds. 

Yeah just another thing I commit to for no really good reason. My diaries keep needing to be written. My blog seems to be still somewhere to throw any excess thought. The only thing that seems to have reduced in content is Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. However I now post music I have made on Soundcloud which is more time consuming than the others combined. 


But all things considered I still feel EXACTLY where I want to be.