There are some simple pleasures in life that are too often overlooked. Lately I have been excited by a piece of board that I see as a potential Ouija board. Tonight I sit in bed watching 'Zathura' on my portable DVD player and it's lovely and cosy. Also a few days ago I enjoyed a cheese sandwich with Reggae Reggae sauce in which was a real treat in a simple way.
One simple thing that is presenting a problem though is tiredness. My lower eyelids flutter when I'm tired as if a nerve or vein shudders upon exhaustion. There just isn't enough hours in a day. It's also a surprise to think that it's almost a year since I was left with no choice but to become single. But many good things have occurred since then and I see my path set out before me now.
Once again the window of free time shuts too quickly. Another brief blog crammed in where I wanted to wrote a longer one. Oh well...maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Sunday, 15 January 2012
After our trying investigation event at Hebden Bridge last night I awoke and idled in front of the tv until it was time to pick up my step son. We went to the cinema to watch 'The Darkest Hour'. We both really enjoyed it and it felt good sharing his company again. I do wish he was my son but it's kinda nice that I'm not too. I take credit that he still wants to be my friend because he could've dropped me. He doesn't know that I was pushed out of the marriage so he may have seen it as me leaving the family home. It'll come out on time when he has the confidence to ask. I'd love to shake him and say not to bother with women but I know that isnt how it works. Everybody needs to burn their fingers before they understand what 'hot' is.
It's Sunday afternoon and darkness has drawn in. The days of January 2012 tick by like a clocks second counting hand. Sometimes I wish I was a world away, in a house situated in the shadows of a far off moon where nooses expectations of me can reach me. My hatred of society and mingling with others is still worn on my sleeve. Will I ever thaw? Luckily the path I am now on doesn't need it to so its not an issue. My life is selfish in many ways but also it means I don't drag others down into my darkness. BUT in my opinion I am the brightest I have ever been. My moods are great (for me) and its only the fact that I feel out of synch with others that causes a problem. When I'm alone I don't see my weaknesses coming into action so I'm fine. It's when others pass me by that I feel like a round peg on a square hole.
"a place for everything and everything in its place" as they say...and I am in my place, you can join me if you like but you won't stick it as there's only one seat...and I won't share it.
(but I will give it up for my son).
It's Sunday afternoon and darkness has drawn in. The days of January 2012 tick by like a clocks second counting hand. Sometimes I wish I was a world away, in a house situated in the shadows of a far off moon where nooses expectations of me can reach me. My hatred of society and mingling with others is still worn on my sleeve. Will I ever thaw? Luckily the path I am now on doesn't need it to so its not an issue. My life is selfish in many ways but also it means I don't drag others down into my darkness. BUT in my opinion I am the brightest I have ever been. My moods are great (for me) and its only the fact that I feel out of synch with others that causes a problem. When I'm alone I don't see my weaknesses coming into action so I'm fine. It's when others pass me by that I feel like a round peg on a square hole.
"a place for everything and everything in its place" as they say...and I am in my place, you can join me if you like but you won't stick it as there's only one seat...and I won't share it.
(but I will give it up for my son).
A WEEK IN MY LIFE (episode 1, part 3)
Conclusion....
The feeling a being dumped by SB faded in importance. I weathered the storm and the closing diary comments slowly became 'stay calm' and then 'I want a new girlfriend'. Time is a great healer and teenage time drags and makes weeks feel like months. So with a small emotional scar that has never healed I just worked and watched films and lost myself in music that made me feel angry (and strong) or just comforted. One girl can't hold you down, I learnt. With each cut comes a scar that is tougher than the fresh skin was before. In the end a new scar would be made again and I awaited it's arrival.
Every weekend was a pursuit of a new girl to scrub away the taste of SB from my mouth. I never have had a real bad feeling about her though. I would always be very pleasant to her if I ever met her. It's all in the past isn't it?
(Is it fuck)
Tuesday January 28th 1992
Closing diary comment " I LOVE GIRLS!"
I was back to normal.
Conclusion....
The feeling a being dumped by SB faded in importance. I weathered the storm and the closing diary comments slowly became 'stay calm' and then 'I want a new girlfriend'. Time is a great healer and teenage time drags and makes weeks feel like months. So with a small emotional scar that has never healed I just worked and watched films and lost myself in music that made me feel angry (and strong) or just comforted. One girl can't hold you down, I learnt. With each cut comes a scar that is tougher than the fresh skin was before. In the end a new scar would be made again and I awaited it's arrival.
Every weekend was a pursuit of a new girl to scrub away the taste of SB from my mouth. I never have had a real bad feeling about her though. I would always be very pleasant to her if I ever met her. It's all in the past isn't it?
(Is it fuck)
Tuesday January 28th 1992
Closing diary comment " I LOVE GIRLS!"
I was back to normal.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 1, Part 2)
SUNDAY JANUARY 12th 1992
Upon lifting my diary down from my shelves and opening the front, out fell three a4 pages with what appeared to be hieroglyphics written on them. In fact I had created this gibberish very slowly and it looked like I had put a lot of effort, meaninglessly into making it look like a coded piece of writing.
I thumbed further and discovered a 'key' with the same ornate patterns on. Well on this days entry I explain to my future self that when deciphered, it actually makes sense. I worked out the title page first...
I'd called the piece "BOOK OF THE DEAD- REBORN"...I couldn't be arsed working out anymore.
So I'd spent this Sunday in question in 1992, listening to Nirvana and writing coded messages and watching 'NIGHTBREED'.
At 8:07pm I had written "cheer up please"....worth a shot I suppose.
To close on this evening I put...
(In large letters) "I MISS SB"
Then in smaller letters "pretty badly"
I laughed at my non committal comment again. I had obviously written how I missed her but it seemed to read much more desperately than it had felt. Even with the added comment of "9 days since I last saw her" I thought it looked like I was mostly bored.
(MONDAY 13th JANUARY 1992)
The next day seemed like a quiet one apart from my thoughts and fears about my second attempt at my driving test. I had failed first time even though I was adequate at driving. It was the test circumstances that put me Ill at ease. I had a driving lesson, which always left me sweaty for some reason. Really nice instructor who I used to have quite deep conversations with about love etc. I always opened up to people who I had a chance of barely seeing. I still find it easier to open up to strangers, hence this blog to a faceless community.
Anyway It seems I was very wrapped up in the question of whether I was feeling lonely or not and whether I would pass my test.
TUESDAY 14th JANUARY 1992
Today I watched 'CYBORG' and did some weights. Yes it's true I dabbled with lifting weights now and again. A few pressups and sit ups a day and by the time I was forty maybe I would be ripped!
I wrote that I had 'very few spots at the moment'.
Like any self respecting greasy faced twonk I would keep a close check on my skin for spots. I washed with anti spot cream as standard. I had a few spots throughout my teems but never more than about three or four. Enough to bother me of course. It felt like if you had spots, then your face would blur until people only saw your spots and would talk directly at them.
I ended my diary this evening with a more upbeat "Goodnight Twat, Fuck problems"
WEDNESDAY 15th JANUARY 1992
"tired" drinking a hot chocolate.
Seems like a quiet day. I will take this opportunity to say that I had a job at a printers on Keighley. I would jump in the back of a workmates van and we would go to work. I got the job just before my sixteenth birthday in 1990. I still print today (2012) but for a different company.
THURSDAY 16th JANUARY 1992
I failed my second driving test. I was too fast at times by about three miles an hour, due to nerves. I wanted to drive with a fake confidence and so I guess I tried to hard under pressure. I had been pretty confident that since most people fail their first test, that I too would pass on this second attempt.
I retired to my room to watch 'BLOODSPORT'. It would appear that I had borrowed a job lot of Van Damme films. This was all part of my self film education.
My mate Dan rang to see how I had gone on and to ask if I was frequenting Tumblers tomorrow.
My diary says that I went up to my room and scratched 'PAIN' into my arm. It makes me a little sad reading that as I now know it would snowball and get out of hand.
So with a little optimism I managed to sign off with "Start Afresh"
(TO BE CONTINUED)
SUNDAY JANUARY 12th 1992
Upon lifting my diary down from my shelves and opening the front, out fell three a4 pages with what appeared to be hieroglyphics written on them. In fact I had created this gibberish very slowly and it looked like I had put a lot of effort, meaninglessly into making it look like a coded piece of writing.
I thumbed further and discovered a 'key' with the same ornate patterns on. Well on this days entry I explain to my future self that when deciphered, it actually makes sense. I worked out the title page first...
I'd called the piece "BOOK OF THE DEAD- REBORN"...I couldn't be arsed working out anymore.
So I'd spent this Sunday in question in 1992, listening to Nirvana and writing coded messages and watching 'NIGHTBREED'.
At 8:07pm I had written "cheer up please"....worth a shot I suppose.
To close on this evening I put...
(In large letters) "I MISS SB"
Then in smaller letters "pretty badly"
I laughed at my non committal comment again. I had obviously written how I missed her but it seemed to read much more desperately than it had felt. Even with the added comment of "9 days since I last saw her" I thought it looked like I was mostly bored.
(MONDAY 13th JANUARY 1992)
The next day seemed like a quiet one apart from my thoughts and fears about my second attempt at my driving test. I had failed first time even though I was adequate at driving. It was the test circumstances that put me Ill at ease. I had a driving lesson, which always left me sweaty for some reason. Really nice instructor who I used to have quite deep conversations with about love etc. I always opened up to people who I had a chance of barely seeing. I still find it easier to open up to strangers, hence this blog to a faceless community.
Anyway It seems I was very wrapped up in the question of whether I was feeling lonely or not and whether I would pass my test.
TUESDAY 14th JANUARY 1992
Today I watched 'CYBORG' and did some weights. Yes it's true I dabbled with lifting weights now and again. A few pressups and sit ups a day and by the time I was forty maybe I would be ripped!
I wrote that I had 'very few spots at the moment'.
Like any self respecting greasy faced twonk I would keep a close check on my skin for spots. I washed with anti spot cream as standard. I had a few spots throughout my teems but never more than about three or four. Enough to bother me of course. It felt like if you had spots, then your face would blur until people only saw your spots and would talk directly at them.
I ended my diary this evening with a more upbeat "Goodnight Twat, Fuck problems"
WEDNESDAY 15th JANUARY 1992
"tired" drinking a hot chocolate.
Seems like a quiet day. I will take this opportunity to say that I had a job at a printers on Keighley. I would jump in the back of a workmates van and we would go to work. I got the job just before my sixteenth birthday in 1990. I still print today (2012) but for a different company.
THURSDAY 16th JANUARY 1992
I failed my second driving test. I was too fast at times by about three miles an hour, due to nerves. I wanted to drive with a fake confidence and so I guess I tried to hard under pressure. I had been pretty confident that since most people fail their first test, that I too would pass on this second attempt.
I retired to my room to watch 'BLOODSPORT'. It would appear that I had borrowed a job lot of Van Damme films. This was all part of my self film education.
My mate Dan rang to see how I had gone on and to ask if I was frequenting Tumblers tomorrow.
My diary says that I went up to my room and scratched 'PAIN' into my arm. It makes me a little sad reading that as I now know it would snowball and get out of hand.
So with a little optimism I managed to sign off with "Start Afresh"
(TO BE CONTINUED)
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
A week in the life part 1
A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 1)
The year is 1992. It's FRIDAY JANUARY 10th. There are adverts for the new console SEGA CD on the tv as well as RESERVOIR DOGS at the cinema. But tonight finds a 17 year old me getting ready to go to Bradford with his friend Dan. With a new haircut atop my head I am showered and listening to things such as the new 7" by The Wedding Present, 'Blue Eyes'.
Dan and I head straight to 'Tumblers' nightclub/shithole.
Whilst I enjoy 2 pints of cider a list of names join us. My diary lists them, but I only know who one of them is, out of ten. Now that's scary.
We sit and try and make conversation as we await the upper floor to open where we can sit in the dark and imagine what it would be like to get off with someone who would turn out to mean a lot to us.
There is a tendency to look back upon these times as a high point of life. But I am not fooled, it was heart wrenching at best. Each lonely journey home with no new experience to show for it. It would have been cheaper to stay home and play the same music. (forever the party animal,I)
My diary ends this night with these lines....
'SB nowhere in sight'
Ok it didn't say SB, but these are the initials of my by then Ex girlfriend. A brief but important exchange of fluids had seemed to mean the world to me......that month.
Oh how fickle womanhood had seemed. SB had weeks earlier been a veggie eating peace maker and now she had turned into a rocker, dropped softie ME and went looking for a rocker boyfriend. I'd changed my image in a way since being dumped. I shaved all my hair off except for the fringe. This was a look amongst some youths at the time. We were copying 'CARTER USM' who had some popularity. I just looked a cock but I think it was a last bid crack at making SB regret what she had thrown away. I was putty in her hands if only she wanted to get her hands on me.....thing is.. She didn't.
Look out as I might, she never was seen pretty much from then on, even though I looked every week (until the next brief girlfriend occurred).
I had took the breakup badly although not half as badly as I pretended, even to myself. It seemed like a good focus for my dwelling on life and death, like any self respecting teen.
Anyway finally that days entry ended with...
'SB I really like you and I want to see you'
There's something non committal about that wording almost understanding that you have to leave room for your desire to reach higher heights in the future.
SATURDAY JANUARY 11th 1992
1:14pm I state to my diary that I am tired. I sit on my (smelly) bed and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme in 'AWOL'. As I watch this film I scrawl that 'I find it hard not to think of SB'
But luckily I have plans in the afternoon. I visit my aunts and play three board games and tell my diary proudly that I won two of these games adding that we also ate 'Spicy Food'. (Forever the culinary expert)
I present my aunt with two drawings I have done for her.
The first is called "AIR RIDE IN THE BLIND KNOWLEDGE OF HAPPINESS"
The second is "DRIFTING THROUGH THE WRINKLED VALLEYS OF PULSATING MOUNTAINS"
The titles are heavily influenced by listening to "THE ORB".
As I sit in bed listening to JEAN MICHEL JARRE's 'Rendezvouz part 4' and write....
'I REALLY MISS SB! BITCH.'. (JESUS!)
If only I could go back and shake myself.
With music and films to pass the day and a window to stare out of, plus a girl to obsess over I guess I was well catered for.
(this week continues later...)
The year is 1992. It's FRIDAY JANUARY 10th. There are adverts for the new console SEGA CD on the tv as well as RESERVOIR DOGS at the cinema. But tonight finds a 17 year old me getting ready to go to Bradford with his friend Dan. With a new haircut atop my head I am showered and listening to things such as the new 7" by The Wedding Present, 'Blue Eyes'.
Dan and I head straight to 'Tumblers' nightclub/shithole.
Whilst I enjoy 2 pints of cider a list of names join us. My diary lists them, but I only know who one of them is, out of ten. Now that's scary.
We sit and try and make conversation as we await the upper floor to open where we can sit in the dark and imagine what it would be like to get off with someone who would turn out to mean a lot to us.
There is a tendency to look back upon these times as a high point of life. But I am not fooled, it was heart wrenching at best. Each lonely journey home with no new experience to show for it. It would have been cheaper to stay home and play the same music. (forever the party animal,I)
My diary ends this night with these lines....
'SB nowhere in sight'
Ok it didn't say SB, but these are the initials of my by then Ex girlfriend. A brief but important exchange of fluids had seemed to mean the world to me......that month.
Oh how fickle womanhood had seemed. SB had weeks earlier been a veggie eating peace maker and now she had turned into a rocker, dropped softie ME and went looking for a rocker boyfriend. I'd changed my image in a way since being dumped. I shaved all my hair off except for the fringe. This was a look amongst some youths at the time. We were copying 'CARTER USM' who had some popularity. I just looked a cock but I think it was a last bid crack at making SB regret what she had thrown away. I was putty in her hands if only she wanted to get her hands on me.....thing is.. She didn't.
Look out as I might, she never was seen pretty much from then on, even though I looked every week (until the next brief girlfriend occurred).
I had took the breakup badly although not half as badly as I pretended, even to myself. It seemed like a good focus for my dwelling on life and death, like any self respecting teen.
Anyway finally that days entry ended with...
'SB I really like you and I want to see you'
There's something non committal about that wording almost understanding that you have to leave room for your desire to reach higher heights in the future.
SATURDAY JANUARY 11th 1992
1:14pm I state to my diary that I am tired. I sit on my (smelly) bed and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme in 'AWOL'. As I watch this film I scrawl that 'I find it hard not to think of SB'
But luckily I have plans in the afternoon. I visit my aunts and play three board games and tell my diary proudly that I won two of these games adding that we also ate 'Spicy Food'. (Forever the culinary expert)
I present my aunt with two drawings I have done for her.
The first is called "AIR RIDE IN THE BLIND KNOWLEDGE OF HAPPINESS"
The second is "DRIFTING THROUGH THE WRINKLED VALLEYS OF PULSATING MOUNTAINS"
The titles are heavily influenced by listening to "THE ORB".
As I sit in bed listening to JEAN MICHEL JARRE's 'Rendezvouz part 4' and write....
'I REALLY MISS SB! BITCH.'. (JESUS!)
If only I could go back and shake myself.
With music and films to pass the day and a window to stare out of, plus a girl to obsess over I guess I was well catered for.
(this week continues later...)
Monday, 9 January 2012
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