I've had little free time as I have mentioned. But Sunday night brought an investigation in Hebden Bridge where we set up our Ouija board in a hotel room and had names and addresses given through the board  etc so we can try verify the details. Once the 
Ub was enclosed downstairs then we tried having the spirits tip and shove the heavy pub tables. It took about two minutes for them to get the hang of it. These were very heavy and yet as our hands rested on top, the table shook and lurched across the floor and round in circles. Now comes the evidence review hassle. I was lucky enough that circumstances deemed it possible for me to have my son sleep at mine an extra night this week. I can hear his breathing as I write this. 
He is changing each week and it's a joy to watch. I won't go on about it as you know how I feel about him. 
My head is swimming still from getting in last night at 1:30AM and yet starting work at 7AM. 
There's one thing I don't enjoy about sleeping alone and that is the lack of other body heat in bed. I have to stay stock still on the runway warmth of my own body. As I tussle in bed, I feel the uninhabited places brush my skin and I get a chill. 
I decided not to get worked up about being behind with my writing each day whilst I have so much on. None of it is actually important. 
It's nearly December and my year of rehabilitation is almost up. Lessons learnt. No love lost. New horizons set sights on. As I may have mentioned, this is the top of the mountain, and the view is good. Life is quiet above the clouds. I will emerge from my chrysalis into 2012 looking the same but with brighter innards. My software will have changed, maybe that's a better way of putting it. 
Speak to you soon, overtime permitting. 

This week has been a black hole so far. The speed of me juggling all the stuff I want to cram in plus responsibilities plus working over fourteen hour days where possible has meant that writing has pretty much not reached out of my atmosphere. I'm so far behind on writing up my movie reviews and ghost hunt findings that I may as well just draw a fresh line in the planetary sand and start from NOW.

'Modern Warfare 3' landed today so after my overtime I got home and started the campaign. It is awesome. I'm worried that I will plop through it too fast though. Online is still getting some tweaks so it wouldn't connect today. I have a pile of DVDs to watch including whole tv series that will consume time on their own. I haven't finished 'LA Noire' yet either. But this is a moan that I love. 
I can stuff my eyes with all the visual content I like without anyone saying "can we turn it off now?".
Bliss. 

The days black clouds shuffled in overhead whilst I worked, until the heavens opened and pissed on the lands, washing away the dirt of autumn. There is a palpable sense of change in the air as snow is tickling the Scottish highlands. I hope we don't get any so I can still have my boy. 

Well back to my little spare time for this Friday evening before work on Saturday. There's no rest 
 for the wicked. 

Excessive overtime hours and the late nights and early rises are maybe starting to play havoc. It's a good job I'm sober as alcohol on top of this scenario would be a killer. But as long as the money keeps getting raked in, the more relaxed I can become about each small amount I spend. I think the headaches that I am suffering from is due to a continuation of fix or six hour sleeps each night. But sod it, I will rest over the festive season. There are pleasures outside of the world of beer which continue to entertain me. My happiness continues to increase each week and my inner self belief is soaring. When the new year begins I think It will be the most contented I have ever been. 
I have emerged from the blackness of my soul and I stand in the light, purring downwards into the abyss from which I emerged. My life has been transformed in the last twelve months and the pain of that rebirth  is almost gone completely. There is just the cobweb residue to brush off and we can start the last half of my life. I feel like my life is a mountain and I am maybe reaching the pinnacle where I can see where I've been as well as where i am headed. Towards the end of my life I will take up drinking again and throw all that I have learnt onto paper. Painting, bleeding and writing my life force I to a number of images that will out live my body. 
The only thing that stands in the way of this master plan is the element of surprise. 
But maybe expecting a surprise will also take the surprise out of it when it comes to mess my plans up. 

I dared to look at the clock through the night. It didn't feel like it was time to get up but there's only so long that you can stare at the back of your eyelids before fatigue sets in. 3:04AM, damn it. 
"control your thoughts Chris, relax and you will drift back off......just don't think about work, oh god. 
What woke you? Maybe I am unsettled by the phone call from my sons mum. Oh shit I'm thinking about that now." maybe I will just lay here. Next thing was I was finally e mailing my long lost sister. The nerves in my body were fast asleep and so it felt easy. 
4:30AM. Why don't I watch 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' on itv player since I missed it.? Ah, because after that it will be only one hour until I get up for work. 
Anyway I did watch some of it and then managed to get an hours sleep. 

I then noticed that my e mail had been bounced as if it was spam. I contacted my older brother who said he would sort it. There was a moment where it became apparent that he had been the first of my brothers to contact this new relative. I had planned to be the first but it was probably better that I wasn't. 
Now I get to rewrite my e-mail 'sans' animosity towards my father. 

I worked three and a half hours over on top of a day where as much as I tried to do good work, the artwork I had been given was imperfect and I didn't spot it. I had the displeasure of being grunted at for not spotting it. In fact I had spotted it now and the person responsible had no idea and was getting no grunts his way. Hey it's all part of work and I'm lucky that I like my job. 

I should write more but L A Noire needs attending to as I've got Modern Warfare 3 arriving this week. 

The grey mists swirled in the head lamps of my van this morning as I navigated my way to the cinema. Sleep had stopped as if I was going to go to work. My body doesn't understand that things work differently at the weekend. Idiot body.
The cinema lobby was quiet apart from like minded singletons stood waiting for their early morning escape. I had travelled to see 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn' (PT 1) and I the few faces I noticed were all females. Surely I could watch this film too right? No need to feel daft? If they could come to watch Jake or Edward then I could come and watch Kristen Stewart or whatever her name is, Bella Swan. 
The trailers this time had a better one for 'The Darkest Hour' which I really think I will enjoy and yet fear the usual disappointment. The girls near me said that it looked too scary for them. It doesn't look Scary!
Jesus how do these people cross the road if these things are scary?
In Twilight there was a wedding scene which involved families getting chocked up through being happy and proud and such but I found myself taking the odd line and thinking of how proud a father I was and I welled up a couple of times. This made me feel so stupid. What if the crowd thought I was teary because Edward and Bella were getting married. "oh now I look a right fairy" I thought. Then a baby was born later and I welled up again as the proud parents spoke of how much they loved it. (oh for fucks sake, I'm welling up again!) 
Will I ever not nearly cry when I think of my love for my son?. I hope it will settle but I fear it won't. 

Anyway afterwards I went home and played 'Modern Warfare 3' and 'LA Noire' on the PS3. Another lazy day to myself. Another wave of guilt that I am not sat in the same home as my son. And so yet another going over of the reasons why I did the right thing. It can be a little like purgatory for me. It's just another form of self harm I think. 
I watched 'Peep Show' and saw them getting pissed and I pictured myself getting drunk. I just know that it would be petrol to a small flame. So I had another coffee instead. It was mid afternoon when darkness crept across my window and made it feel like it was night. 
So I played some music that I liked but that only makes me want to drink too. I don't think anyone appreciates my battle with drink. I think I underestimate it. First the drink then the moods and then the self harm? Maybe I don't give myself the credit or maybe I feel so happy without it that I fear losing this pleasant life I have created. 
God I'm so fucking reflective sometimes. Even as I write this I am not feeling down at all. 
Just guilty that I'm not with my son. 

Oh I need to read in the bath for a bit.  

I bore myself. I need to keep my mind busy but then when I sit watching tv and films all day I wonder if I am wasting my time......it looks like I am not. 

Whatever makes you happy right? 

If you know how to make yourself happy, you should do it. 

My son's nursery told me that they may be taking some of the kids to the cinema soon. I wondered if it was too loud for children so young but I also didn't want to not be the first to take him. 
So we went to the one pound showing of 'RIO' which I had avoided on its original run due to the annoying orange phone tie in commercial before every film around the time of its release.
I explained to my son that we were going to watch a big telly. He didn't really get it until I showed him on google images. On our way there I could tell that he was excited at the idea, asking if every building was the cinema. We got sat down amongst the other parents and children near the front. He had said that he would be quiet through the film. So he sat and enjoyed the mediocre animated story whilst eating and drinking his contraband that I had smuggled in. It was a proud moment being the one to take him first. Shame about the film but he loved going. As much as I love films, I am not going to inflict it on him all the time as I think it can be loud and uncomfortable for you when you are so small. 
I do look forward to taking him again though now he knows what it's like. He wants to see 'Arthur Christmas' but that is what nursery is proposing to go to. 

I'm looking at another fourteen hour day at work. I'm happy to put the hours in if I get the money for it back. The job I chose to print is running like a dream so I am happy about that too. My Christmas presents for others have started to arrive today so I should be all done by December. My work mate says he hates people like me who are so organised. He's a Christmas eve shopper. 
The questions about whether I will be drinking alcohol at Christmas still keep coming. I wonder if heroin addicts get asked if they will be partaking of a line at Xmas. 
I.     Don't.   Drink.  

Perhaps there is a Christmas rule I don't know about which means you can do anything and not have it count. 
So maybe they are right. 
Maybe I will be discovered with a prostitute snorting drugs whilst a smoke cigarettes and gamble. 
"ah don't judge, it's Xmas so none of this counts!"