July 1st 2014

Last night I had a longer evening with my son at his grandmas, with the place to ourselves due to his mum getting a prom suit for my stepson. The sun was out and we were play fighting in the back garden and playing hide and seek. I had a coffee at tea time which seemed to fuel my brain, making it hard to be tired until gone 11pm. 

This morning I'm shattered. But it's day 2 of trying to 'look' in a good mood so I'll have to keep my chin up. It's a lovely sunny morning but strangely that made me write a note to self to check heating still works. If it goes unused all summer it may not work in autumn. 

New version 2014

Hi, you don't know me. I'm new to this world. I look like that miserable looking bloke for sure but I'm happier in the facial area. I'm glad to be alive each day and live a stress free life. I like my job and have so much to be thankful for. I see life as a challenge and have learnt to roll with whatever hurdles life throws rather than lamenting what could have been. I have nothing to complain about and understand that complaining doesn't change anything but acceptance does. 

I don't know what version of me this is but let's call it V 39.9. 

Keep your opinions to yourself

I went to Haworth with my step daughter and she enjoyed painting a cup and talking about her planned route to uni. It's good to still get some time with her before South Hampton steals her away. I had a while to kill before cinema and so I walked alone around Ogden water thinking of my son who had gone to Blackpool for the day. I then slowly drove to McDonald's for a bite to eat in preparation for watching CHEF at cineworld. The new allocated seating is shit.

As Coldplay sang on my van radio, the clouds looked beautiful with the dying sun behind them. My eyes leaked a little as I thought how much I loved my child. I think my sadness is still based in the judgement which has been levelled at me via work. 

My face just doesn't know how to show how happy I am inside? Maybe I should do what THE JOKER does and paint a fucking smile on my face just to keep others from telling me I'm unhappy. 

It's odd how a billion people haven't said anything to me and one comment has got to me. Does it matter? Not at all! 

Does it still hurt? 

YES. 

Another re calibration

As much as I see myself as reborn somewhat by the end of my marriage and my relocation to Silsden in 2011, I think surrounding people don't see it. After the judgement from a customer on Friday whilst delivering, I still feel hurt by the matter. It is a constants voice in replay in my head every few moments and I answer back in different ways but non of it does any good. I am seen as moody person even when I am just staying quiet and out of the way. 

It seems steps must be taken to be happier on the outside, to lift the shutters, if you will, so that I shine my inner peace to others. 

As much as the situation bothered me deeply, I have to take my own advice and look forward to the things which I can alter and not back at things I can't. I can't time travel back to Friday and let them be the miserable cunts alone. 

I must defend myself with a shield of positivity and let their negative actions be of no consequence. 

Today I've watched OITNBlack and 'The Soloist'. It inspired me to write a little but as I tidied up I found loads of blank pads and saw It would be of no help to go and buy another new writing book no matter how cheap. 

I also woke with the idea to paint and yet by midday I've kinda lost the belief in myself. 

I think I'm too hurt to paint. This will fade as all things do. 

This afternoon I'm taking my stepson to Cobbles And Clay where we can drink coffee and chat as she paints something. 

I have seen how difficult I am and I think that's what bothers me. I've always known it and hated it but to see it again afresh is a slap in the face. 

I just need to do things as and when I need to do them. Sometimes silence, sometimes specific things. 

I'm trying to simplify my life from July as I turn 40. To use what I have and not yearn for new stuff so often. I have so very much that I shouldn't need another thing. There's water in the tap and a selection of things to cook. 

I have much much more than most. 

I guess I'm going back to square one and learning from the many lessons once more. 

It's all plate spinning as I balance the important things around me. I'm not invisible- I affect the things around me whether I want to or not. 

I will try to shine even if it's just a dull glimmer. 

Harsh and unfair judgement by customer.

Friday morning broke and after a shower I left to go delivering for work which was a nice easy start. It was Friday, I was driving and singing along to my music. My second delivery of the morning was at a place where the car park was far away from the reception but luckily I'd brought a trolley. Hurrah. 

I started to put the boxes outside of the reception under a sheltered part as the weather was wet. I was going to move all of the boxes to this area before entering the reception with all of them together. However as I returned with the next trolley load, a man was carrying them off inside himself. He never acknowledged me with a hello and so I just said "there's three more to bring" as I set off back to the van. When I entered there was just a pretty girl with her back to me who seemed to be getting on with the work. I started bringing the boxes inside and when I was finished said "are you ok to sign this or do I need someone else?". She signed it and I thanked her and left. It's true that I didn't say goodbye and neither did she. I had a third drop at a school to do before a got back. When i got to work my boss collared me and asked for my opinion on an e mail from the middle customer who along with complaining about the job being printed wrong, had a pop at me for having a bad attitude and not being happy in my work. 

I was shocked. I wracked my brain over what I'd done and I found nothing. 

The more I thought about this slur, the more annoyed I got. 

I said I would return after work and apologise but state it was misjudgement on their part. 

My boss said I wasn't allowed, I just had to take it on the chin. 

I was judged harshly and had no way of speaking for myself plus this email could have put my job at risk- they didn't now that it did not. 

Well, needless to say, I've been wound up since but was in a good mood until that happened. 

The whole thing sucks and I can't do a thing about it. 

Time is all I need (not love).

10:45pm. There's so much 'bad' in the world, that I find it quite overwhelming. I wish my way of dealing with it was better than simply ignoring it. But then, one person can't make it all go away. I've had a quiet night in front of the tv tonight but I've still been educated in some way. The world still finds it's way in to my home and into my head. 

I worry sometimes that my life isn't progressing as far as experience and such but tonight I can see that it is. 

I am doing things that I will look back on and hopefully have happy thoughts about. I feel good (if you ignore the prickly heat on my wrists especially). 

I'm always making slight adjustments to my life, often due to the influence of something I've recently watched or read. At this moment I'm wanting to reduce my waist size and cut my sugar intake down. It always seems an easy task after I've chomped a packet of sweets or biscuits. It's always tomorrow that I'll start eating better or exercising more. 

How many times have I dreamed of sitting down and writing a story. I write this blog and my diary easily enough but can't seem to devote enough time to switching the tv off for long enough. 

But then, what are my strengths? 

Watching films is my strength. I can consume film after film all week long if I put my mind to it only a little.  

Mondays have turned into a 'tv off day' after I've had my son. I get my writing done for PPS. Sundays are cinema days and Thursdays are PPS investigations at times. Everything is a balancing act. 

What I actually need is some overtime again. Something to balance the books easily. 

But as ever....what I need most......is TIME. 

Thursday June 26

It's a Thursday afternoon as work draws to a close. The weekend can be seen from here if you stand on your top toes. 

I return to my film watching tonight after Watchdogs drew my attention elsewhere. My lime juice continues to aid my prickly heat trouble. 

I'm just the right side of busy now. I hope to find time to read again soon and I've not watched Orange Is The New Black for a good week. 

I've hopefully got a chance to investigate the house from WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT in July. I have many investigations arranged for the rest of this year actually. I may be burnt out by the end of it. 

I'm looking forward to a good sit down when I get home tonight. My body feels heavier than normal. Maybe it's a lack of coffee energy.