The shops are heaving with the weight of people trying to spend their 'winnings' from Christmas. It's chaos out there. I took my stepson on a quest to find a case for his new iPod and we had to battle round shops which had all sold out. Eventually we got one and we were glad to go back home. Vouchers have been sold in vast quantities this year, caused by the rubbish weather. My shoulder is giving me hell as I need to lay on it to sleep and I can't do that due to pain. So I find myself writing this in an otherwise pitch black room. I haven't bothered with Facebook as my wife has troubled with it existing at all. I was enjoying it but the enjoyment has been over powered by her annoyance at it. I started drinking bitter yesterday at half past three until half ten and I didn't feel drunk and I've not got a bad feeling at the moment. I do have cotton mouth since I took a sleeping tablet an hour ago. It's 3:48 am and it's unusual for me to be up. My son has had a restless night too. Tomorrow is another day without plans. I hope to watch a film at least and entertain myself some whilst I have holiday time. 

We had to get the kids out of bed Christmas morning like every year. With the expensive electronic presents this year it would have been over and done with too quickly. My little boy opened his slowly though and it was good to help him. I drove us around the various fragments of family until eight pm. Then I had large quantities of whisky whilst I played call of duty online. I have really hurt my shoulder though somehow and today's drinking session is cancelled for me so I'll be driving today again. It doesn't help that I sleep on it. There will other chances to drink. 

I went for a couple of beers after work. As I arrived I found that the Christmas conversation had already started. Our secretary seems to be sexually harassed  in my opinion and crude comments were made about her being a woman. To be fair she played along, not that she really had a choice. I certainly didn't join in but instead took the part of sober driver being a stick in the mood. Maybe if I'd have called her a big titted whore, then I would've been commended. So yes I felt a little out of the loop but I've never fit into that scenario since the back of the school bus. And the 'jokes' were exactly the same. Let me say I do enjoy going for our Christmas drinks every year as brief as they are with me living so far away. I get on well enough with my work mates so I guess I'm quite lucky for that. After all the words which were thrown about, eg. Flange, wound and Cumming,  I was surprised at the disallowance of the word Cunt as I described my dad to a fellow friend. A strange set of standards. 

They seemed drunk very quickly. Strangely quickly actually. I bid them farewell to go pick my son up from nursery. My wife and son and I went for a drink at our local. We drank into the night but my feeling drunk never arrived. Bitter, it seems doesn't  go far enough.

Christmas eve and we finalised our shopping. Now it's cleaning, films and then the best part of Xmas eve. Leaving things for Santa. I had the novel idea of convincing my son to leave Santa twenty quid and some new blurays. We'll see.

The last day of work began with a trip to Leeds to find the place closed. On returning to work I discovered our second guillotine in two days had broken. Soon enough one of them was repaired and I could print my final job of the year. It's not been a bad year at work. I think it's been four years since, by Christmas I had not got it into my head that I wanted to leave. I think the iPod has had a lot to do with work being pleasurable. I don't feel as though I have done any less work than usual. So soon enough we will venture to the pub and then later I will pick my little boy up which I am looking forward to. 

At work we have various boxes of chocolate etc as we are in the final working week. I have picked fir days now from nine am till half four. My teeth hate me and my mouth shrivels at each chocolate I stuff in. I believe my trousers will be falling out with me soon. I am not going to watch what I eat other than to check it's being directed towards my mouth. Alcohol shall fall on top of yesterdays and the circle of life will continue into January. Lifes too fleeting to worry. 
The wrapping is 98% done. The food shop is almost completed. 
In other news I have got the skeleton of a story down on paper. Now I can sit down and work on it. If I complete it I can then analyse what I am rubbish at. I've always wanted to be a writer so now I intend to become better than mediocre. I failed English. I write this and never check it back for mistakes which I accept there will be. Sorry reader. I hope to improve over all in the future. But I also intend to drink myself to an early grave...... Oh well you can't have everything.

As I arrived home from my journey through the snow after work,  my little two and a half year old came running to me with his face beaming. He presented me with a Christmas card which he had made at nursery. It had a painting of some description on the front and two small bells and a tree stuck on randomly. Inside it read "happy Christmas daddy". Well it warmed the heart of this miserable sod. There's not much that has made me feel like that.  We had a cuddle as he told me that he loved Santa and that he had sat on his red knee at nursery. It's the little things that bring the most pleasure sometimes. We watched Happy Feet together. After five minutes I wanted to turn it off but he said No. Then he started to get upset because he thought that the baby penguin had lost it's parents but it hadn't. He came round in the end. It's great watching films with my little man and I'm really looking forward to Christmas. Even I can't stay miserable for a full year.

A feeling of excitement ran down my back as the cinema screen at IMAX said I was watching the latest state of the art cinema systems available. The screen grew from it's tiny square to it's epic proportions. Tron Legacy was good fun. A visual treat but a kids film at heart. There is something more when watching a film at IMAX. It's worth the ten quid.

Here begins the final few working days. I'm thirty six and I don't get more than two Christmas presents so all that Christmas represents to me is time off work and alcohol. But this year I've been drinking so much that buying alcohol in for Christmas, has only upped the alcohol purchases slightly more. It's more like those around me drink up to my level. That is something for me to think about... Thought about it, where's my drink... Yum.

All this snow is not going to stop me seeing Tron Legacy at IMAX tonight. Really looking forward to it. Today I've finally finished reading a book by Clive Barker  which has took me over six months, but I have finished books whilst supposedly reading that one. I do enjoy reading books but I have to either have it totally silent or have music through ear phones to make me focus. If the tv is on my eyes are pulled toward it too. Plus reading makes me really tired so the odds are stacked against me but I still manage to finish around six books a year. This always inspires me to write too which isn't bad for me. So this last week of work will be mixed with winding down and getting worked up. The pre christmas week holds most of the magic especially with a two and a half year old. The magic will grow for the next few years until he gets to seven or so and other school kids spoil it. I remember my thoughts to this day about the unveiling of santa's real identity. I had trusted my parents implicitly up until it was shown to me that I had been deceived and lied to for their entertainment. I mean what difference did it make to me if it was adults or Santa? But it was the fact that they had maintained that he existed when my doubts were raised. I remember I then grew distrust towards them. 
I was eight. Maybe this speaks volumes about my fragile state. This was the time of divorce too. It all mixed up my world at the same time and I put reality second place from that point. I still had control of the fantasy in my mind. I still avoid reality where possible. 

Maybe two years ago I was watching the music channels at Xmas time and Silent Night was on. It brought a memory to mind and so I said it. 
"I remember being in bed aged twelve and my mum was working in the pub and I had sat in bed and sang Silent Night out loud, and I cried and cried."
There was a silence in the room until my wife said loudly, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!". 

Today the snow arrived as predicted. We had to go and do some final shopping so we ended up at the White rose centre. I struggled to park for the first time ever. I look at every person thinking that every one of them has Christmas morning and is on someones list. I'm closer to being in the Christmas spirit. 
I started writing a project to read back and work on and analyse if I can improve with practice. I think writing anything can improve my low skills. I will also be writing a review of a film and then trying to make it better so I can get better. 
This blog, comes out unedited as you can tell. But I do need to write more if I am to consider myself as a writer and not someone who likes to write. Fair play to my wife for asking about what I had written that day and taking an interest. That's all I ask.

We Went to the Tron Legacy launch night at our local media museum. It was dead at first as we entered. We were invited straight away to have our photos taken against a green curtain holding a Tron disc and have the picture put on the website. If I'm honest I did want to do it but infact it was my son and stepson who did it without inhibition. They had the new xbox 360 game of Tron legacy and the original arcade 80's game. We stood with our back to the old 'classic' as the HD image of the newer one held our interest. My wife asked what Tron was and as I explained it was a computer mainframe she interrupted with "no, I mean I've never heard of it, is it a film?"
I only saw Tron the original movie in the last twelve months strangely enough but I'd known of it since 1982, it's just that I watched Star Wars instead every time. I saw no people dressed amusingly in homemade outfits but then it was a few hours until the midnight screening and maybe the dedicated viewers would roll up then. 
I couldn't sit through a film until two am ever. I have got tickets for Sunday evening instead.

My brother turned up last night all excited about buying his first car. He has bought a BMW estate and rang up asking if I was in and saying that he would be up in ten minutes. My first thought was "who's died?". But no one had. I looked at his car from the doorway but then this thing occurred that is considered normal.
"do you want to go for a drive around the block?"
Why, i thought..."yes" I said.
So I was driven a few miles wondering what my role was in this situation.
"yes it's a nice car isn't it....er...it has all those buttons and that. Oh.. A cd player....mmmm..it's comfy"
And I was back home again. You see I have a van and my wife has a car which I also drive. So the shine of vehicular travel has lost it's amazement for me. Maybe someone who had never been in a car would fully appreciate being taken for a spin. 
I imagine if someone turns up after buying a hot air balloon or a spaceship and says "do you want to go for a spin?"
I would reply "do I ever!!!!"

I was going to go late night shopping to get the final bits after the rush hour had passed and my tired wife already was wanting to stand in the way.
I sat around waiting for her say so to leave and when it was given took my iPod from my son who had been doing colours for over half an hour. I had told myself earlier that I would play my film podcasts on the journey. When I took my iPod my wife said "leave him on it he's ok"
I said "no I want it for my journey"
She said "don't worry I'm not going to go rooting through it, you're obviously hiding something on there"
I shouted "I AM LISTENING TO MY FUCKING PODCASTS"
I was told that after all that with Facebook ( having a woman from Ghosthunt on my list) that I was up to no good and not to be trusted. 
All I wanted was to listen to MY podcasts on MY device. It was so unbelievable that I thought well I will stick to my guns. The truth is that I am doing nothing wrong. Why should I change that behaviour to something else? If I'm already in the doghouse why also go without a podcast? 
I had reason to call her about my purchases  so ice had thawed although I was fuming. If rows happen as often as mine it makes more sense to actually speak your mind. I may as well be mad at for my own opinion. But as I returned home quietly ready for part two , she didnt start again. We had an unrelated conversation which patched things up enough. But I tell you all know, I'm done being a shrinking violet and saying what people want to hear. Life is too short to be ducking bullshit accusations as well as things that you've done which are facts. 

I reinstated my 'book of Faces' account. Maybe I am setting myself up for a fall again but it will be based on innocent activities. 
I was involved in a conversation about other halves pressuring men constantly over nothing. 
For example my friend at work watched American football and had his wife stood over him watching him watch it and saying "how longs this on?", "why are you watching it?" and "why do you support Washington Redskins when you've never seen them play?"
His wife sat with him for the full three hours and my friend stoke to his guns all the more. Good for him. Wives seem to take great pleasure in picking apart what they don't understand about their husbands. It's like when I play my 'silly games' at night or watch my 'stupid ghost programmes'. Why don't they just go and do something that they enjoy in peace.
I think women are addicted to questions and men are addicted to answers. Women= what time will you be back?, where will you be? Etc 
Women will be talking to their husbands to get it out of their systems and the men will just be saying "well next time just do so and so.." men always thrust solutions at women when they are just wanting to vent. It's like when my wife is worrying about paying a bill. She will be talking and talking and I will just come out with, "well just pay it"
  but that is not what she was getting at. 
We are just different. Men are from Mars and Women are just fucking nuts.

I took my wife and child to Wetherby Christmas Adventure as the evening drew in on saturday evening. A lot of fields were used as the car park so it was very muddy. We followed the pedestrians to this winter wonderland not sure what to expect. I could hear the Carol singers ringing out of a sound system. There was a huge queue to a ticket office and luckily we didn't need to join it. We came across a garden centre and shop with the usual Xmas themed tat and a large greenhouse area full of real trees. So we walked on and found a cafe, then a ferris wheel, then I false ice skating area and then dry ski run. So basically nothing for our family of any merit but more of a posh family's affair. Christmas adventure had misled me. This wasn't so much A snowy wonderland as snobbyland.

I finally broached the subject of reducing attendance of family do's this festive season. From christmas to new year we can be in five 'get togethers' with the same faces. So two have been dropped. It's the same conversations all through the holiday if you meet to often. 
I said to my wife that I don't find it too easy to talk in person but it's worse if someone phones. 
I find people ring our house and speak to my wife not me, including my family. I dread phone calls being handed over to me as I'm unprepared. I have had people ring me up and then be silent. They thrust a phone call upon me and expect me to fill the silence. If I wanted to talk to them I would be doing the ringing. My wife says you should talk about the weather. This is the default topic for an Englishman. So I shall take note of the weather today so that when someone rings me I can say
" do you remember this one day in December when I it was particularly clement?"
And they shall it seems reply " fascinating do you have any more weather observations"
And I shall say" no, maybe you should just watch the weather, oh and by the way please stop ringing"

Finished works deliveries and went to Huddersfield to buy my wife a Christmas present and I'm currently enjoying a relaxing pint in a wetherspoons where I have fathomed out free Internet, who needs an iPhone?
This reminds me of the good bits of single life. I hope to finish Christmas shop tomorrow by getting loads of vouchers. I've got a hair appointment tomorrow with free cigarette breath shampoo at my local stylists. Then I will be ordering myself new clothes from my wifes Next account. I will be like a new man ( on the outside). I'm looking forward to a drink tonight or tomorrow even though I am enjoying this one too. 

It was my stepsons 13th birthday yesterday. He spent lots of money on clothes at the Trafford centre. I can remember being thirteen. I remember that the reality of having sex seemed like too long away although I knew I was not ready. Girls were very much on my mind. I also remember my personal hygiene could have been better. I did use deodorant but I had terrible stinky feet which caused me embarrassment until my twenties if I'm to be honest. Luckily I grew out of it in manhood. I never suffered too badly from spots I must say but girls didn't look my way anyway so it didn't mean much when I had one. I remember the school bus journeys home from grammar school through wilsden with friends. I went the long bus route home to spend more time with friends. Hormones raging as well as wet paper projectiles. I was ashamed of my blazers at school. The first one was a second hand copy which was a much darker copy of the real ones everyone else had. Added to this was the leather patches on my elbows which i referred to as solar panels for success , just to try and take the piss first.I was very happy to grow out of that but was then given a family hand me down from a distant cousin who It seemed was a hulk of a man as this new blazer's sleeves dwarfed me and I was all ready tiny. I had to turn the sleeves up on my blazer as much by as my hand length just so my fingers stuck out. Even my friends would laugh uproariously at what seemed like a blazer on legs had just entered assembly. I will not put my child through this.

Upon entering the art room at work and uttering a 'Hello' to my  hearing impaired workmate, it went unheard. I muttered out loud 'it's like Harry Potter and the Deafly Hellos. 
He heard that and said 'what?'
'morning' was my reply.
It's the small victories like that only I seem to enjoy. Like the time a friend we used to tease about being homosexual was having a cigarette and I said "if you were a film it would be 'Smokey and the arse bandit'. Not the funniest of gags but it was speed at which they jumped to mind I was impressed with.
Come on I'm no comedienne.

My wife and I took her two kids to see Hadoukan! Support Pendulum at Manchester Central. They were allowed to leave our side but as soon as they did, my wife tried to re find them amongst 1000's of silhouettes. My stepson went from the front to the back because he got a stitch after the second song, and that was just during the support. It was a great first gig for them but their stepdad outlasted them as electro punk boomed through the air and amongst the dry Ice and lasers I was taken back to my youth in Tumblers nightclub twenty years ago, when I would throw out some shapes to the latest techno tunes on a Saturday night. I had felt stiff and uncool through the support but came into my own and I believe surprised the others by 'going for it".
The journey to the gig had become frustrating when trying to park and when we returned to our multi-storey car park we sat for fifty minutes before leaving our spot. Half past one in the morning I climbed into bed with my bootie very tired from all of the shaking.

I'm wrestling with myself. Is it right to do what you are asked by loved ones or to do what your heart tells you. I was asked to delete one name from Facebook. I did it. But filtered through my infantile emotions I created a monster. I write my blog in secret because some loved ones would not like me doing it. So now I have to secrets but I don't believe it's right that either should be secrets. But they are my only outlet. I am a rock that cannot physically express emotion well and that caused me to go through self harm and near alcoholism in my twenties. I am able to regain peace with myself by being open through my blog. I see it as a positive in my life. BUT there's still the nagging knowledge that it's a secret waiting to be discovered. Long time readers will he aware of the threat of my diaries being burned upon my death or before. Not by me but by my wife. She fears the contents being read by our child or her two kids and unveiling details best left covered. My written life stretches back to 1989 since my first three diaries were carelessly thrown out in a room clear as a child by my mum. I consider my life to be my property but people seem to try influence that. Anyway I've gone on enough about it, not exactly interesting reading is it this bit. I will keep doing my blog. What's a bit more guilt between friends?

I have a close friend who reads my blog from time to time and he had a concern about what I wrote. My freedom was criticised, I was told that it was one thing to write about myself with an openness of my choosing but something else entirely to write details of others. It sounded a fair comment as he is a level headed man and I a dumbass. So I shall try and sculpture what I say to only give away things about myself. I don't know how successful I will be but I will at least try. 

Things are better at home. I appeased the gods. Got back into reading since it had stopped. Read Oscar Wilde to try pick up better English grammar etc. He was a bit of a clever arse but his language is slowly growing on me. Picture of Dorian grey was pretty good actually. Or is it Portrait? I've forgotten already. This winter cold is all very good when you can see it from the warmth of a pub window but to walk anywhere in it is hard work. Christmas will be upon us at any moment if we are not concentrating. I've heard Slade do their song this year so it has started. It reminds me of rooting in my mums room to discover a Star Wars toy of the Millenium Falcon and I was so chuffed. Christmas morning I waited expectantly for it. Ah mum was saving it until last! I finished unwrapping and it never came. Mum had been storing it for the woman next door. Bastard! 
I never looked for my presents again.

It was a birthday night out in Haworth on Saturday and I met up with a few old faces. These old faces were on old bodies too. Ten years have passed since this group of youngsters ventured up to Bronte country on their nights out. Stories were swapped with a vagueness which didn't necessarily mean you were or weren't there. Memories had blended into clouds. We all used to go for sure but each pissed night has rolled onto one long memory with only the most significant things standing out. I remember a friend falling over and breaking his bones. Also playing on the 'Telly Addicts' machine every time in one pub. There was a timed race around the dark church graveyard. I once decided that I didn't need a taxi to get home and would walk. I hadn't accounted for my walk including zig zagging and so half a mile away I crumbled onto the pavement and think I rang a taxi. 
I drove with my close friend who I don't see enough of and so I had two pints and cokes but strangely enough had a really enjoyable evening and was out longer than I would've been otherwise. We all swapped tales of body parts not working as well as they should and dreaded to consider what ten years from now would be like. The strange thing was that we were ten years older but had not been replaced by a group ten years older. It still seemed we were the youngest out that night too. People were slurring etc by the time we found a pub which opened until two am. I arrived home and once in bed my wife heard there had been a friends wife with us she asked if she had been invited. 
I knew another argument had started even though it was two in the morning. I am told I am embarrassed to take her out, like I'm ashamed of her. It's just easier to do with one of us babysitting. She was angry anyway. She said that I am secretive which is true. I must speak to her about things even though she isn't interested. She just wants to a part of my life. 
So two player call of duty will be served twice weekly. 

The last few days have been slightly frenzied for me so my blog was halted. I will summarise by saying this much...
After the excitement of  my first Ghosthunt night I  desperately wanted to make myself known amongst the group to hopefully get involved more. So I networked on facebook and joined who I had spent the night with. One lady who Becky and I had got on well with as well as her husband was on my facebook list. Those of you may know that some people activate silly messages that happen automatically such as: love horoscopes or happiness levels. This also includes fake baby info like you will have a baby in august he will have blue ryes and be called boris. 
My wife used my iPod one morning to see this lady's name next to an image of a newborn baby. This is after she saw that I had recently deleted my history on my iPod, which I do once a week so as not to fill up the smallest memory on the device with unhelpful info. From my wifes point of view it looked bad. She blew up at me. I said " the only reason you don't know who this woman is, is that you threw one about me going to another one and told me not to mention any of the people involved or things relating to ghosts. So in my view she had set herself up for a fall out of bloody mindedness.
This was a small row which kicked up the dust and turned into a shitstorm. Both of us resenting the other ones actions. We both feel trapped with each other too since we have a small son to protect.
The usual venom was followed by the usual silence at some ungodly hour of night.
I didn't walk out on her.

Once home unexpectedly I found myself at a loose end. I ended up painting again with my son but after yesterday's poor effort I said I should probably be in charge of the paint brush. Today he didn't scrawl all over my paintings. So then it was into the bath in a slow wind down until bed. My stepson disappeared to bed saying he was Ill. The snow seems to be unchanged at least for now. The house is now warmed to a degree where my clothes are in danger of slipping off. This is what my wife refers to as 'room temperature'.

I finally managed to convince my boss of terrible snow conditions. It took me one hour to get home and the further up I went the worse the road conditions were. I abandoned the van and walked home. I was White haired by the time I arrived minutes later. It's still snowing now. I got my boys advent calendar for him but he wants to eat tomorrows today. On my way home every pedestrian had beetroot red faces and cold expressions. I text work that crawling in traffic up towards my home with snow all over was like " the dullest monorail ever". I followed that text with " I've skidded twice but that might be just be the nerves". I wonder if I will get to work tomorrow.