The fireworks crackled into life as stupid o clock. It must be the New Year. 
Ahh I've waited for this moment all year. 
2012 has arrived with its new slate. I say I want a quiet life every year but this year could be the quietest yet. Free from judgement. Free from emotional baggage. 
Full of joy with my son. I do not wish to improve but I want to stay the same. My son will start pre school this year and so these last months of nursery are golden to me. Not that it will really be the end of an era for him. It's not as if anyone looks back on their days at nursery. 

The mountain that I have climbed in my life  seems to be underfoot now. no more heights to climb. So I intend to sit and stare down at the others for twelve months at least. 

Tick, tick tick. Time waits for no man. 
I've achieved all I wanted to. So now it's just plain sailing. 
I love me and I love my son. 

I watched ''The Way" this morning. It is a film about a walk called the Campino De Santiago. A father walks this iconic trek after his son dies while on it. It's emotional to say the least and yet inspirational. I cried within minutes of it starting. I wasn't really sure why but I used the two hours to weep here and there and get whatever baggage I had built up, out. Not all out crying you understand but tears on cheeks and reach for the tissues crying. The father son stuff hits me the worst but it was cathartic too. Once it had finished I dusted myself off and showered and now I feel refreshed both inside and out. I even googled the walk. I felt something if a calling, as if an invitation from the idea. 
I realised that I am compelled by isolation and loneliness. Other films that deal with such issues also resonate strongly with me, such as 'Into The Wild', Grizzly Man and even '128Hours'. 
Maybe I will forget about the film and the idea but we will see. I love the idea that I will one day walk it too and if I could walk it with my son then I would be delighted. 

I feel I have made such a spiritual journey just this year and all it took was to move to Silsden. I know how that sounds but I mean how I have 'found' myself by taking myself out of the life I was in. 
I am happy. Yes, that is Chris Whitehouse saying it. 
I AM HAPPY
Any writing prior to my thirties are grim and twisted. 
In a way I do see it as a miracle. Who do I have to thank? Not God, but my son. He gave me the strength to be me. 

The best bit of Christmas is the gap in between the event and the end of the holiday. That is now. Presents are being put away and the tidy up commences. The only niggle for me is New Years Eve and it's forced reminiscences. My family are getting together for a short early do but it's just rather than doing nothing so there's no pressure to live it up. I have my son on the EVE since I don't drink anyway. 

But for now I get the free time to do as I please like I did yesterday. I went to the cinema and watched two films in a row and then played Modern Warfare 3. The time is going a lot quicker than I had expected though. I thought I may be twiddling my thumbs at times but that is simply not the case. 

I had a Christmas pudding with brandy sauce that tasted really strong and was still not at all tempted to indulge after. People tell me it's a really good move but couldn't actually do the same. I've been there. 
So before I have my son again later, I shall watch some stuff and read a bit if I'm strict on myself. 

Ahh, Christmas eve. I squeezed in two episodes of BBC's MERLIN and then set off for my son early. Therefore I find myself sat in the van overlooking Keighley, listening to a film review podcast as rain falls heavily. Twenty spare minutes revelling in this solitude. I am dropping my step kids' presents off and taking my son back to my house to put food for Santa under the tree. Then when I take him home this afternoon I will walk to the pub with my step kids for a chill out pre Santa. 
I noticed that the cinema is showing films each day as usual and I am enticed to go just to be different. 
I worried about being sad but I'm not, well not at the moment. 
My family are getting together for a Christmas present swap that I will not be attending. The family Do's are reduced this year because due to fracturing of family factions, we can consolidate the meetings into two rather than four. So I will be able to tackle my Sky recordings. I think many people will be watching boxsets of series. 

11:05pm on Christmas Eve. The world is quiet where I am. Santa is laying out my sons presents at various houses. Children are just about finally drifting off. It's still magical. It's also over quite quickly. There were no shortage of people on Modern Warfare 3 though. 
I was bought a bottle of Jack Daniels by my son. His mum knew I always drank it at Xmas, well anytime I could. But no not this year. It looked like a foreign substance. I am really proud of myself for not drinking but it does sometimes make me think I am an imposter. 
It's got to be doing me some good. 

Well a merry Christmas to every reader. Goodnight.  

I woke up with what I identified as slight excitement in my belly as it is the last day of work today. That makes today Christmas eve eve eve! (two days before Christmas eve). I'm looking forward to going for a drink with workmates (non alcoholic) and being able to come and go on my own terms. Last year for example there was a pressure from my other half at all times to not enjoy myself.
I have my boy today which will be great as always and knowing I have a lot of spare time to come with my feet up feels fantastic. My face will not look excited as it never does though. 
I'm lost in a world of Modern Warfare 3 online for hours at a time and I await all the newbies who will join me after getting it as a present. 
Last night I finished a ghost write up which had been hanging over me. There is still one outstanding but it's the one where I thought my team had gone all show biz on me and I said something. An awkwardness lingered about it. It seems to have evaporated since but I don't want it revisit it particularly. Then again if i write it up as straight as it happened then maybe the team will see my side when they read it. These outbursts were put down on being 'affected' by spirits which,I hate to say it, slightly feels like a cop out. Maybe I will blame anything I do wrong on that too. Hey, it was just a weird night for us and really I feel nothing but respect foray team. It's all supposed to be fun for us anyway. I'm sure they will have problems regarding me too. 
Well with this renewed free time about to kick in I guess I will be talking to you guys more. 
Have a good last few days of work.  

The pre Christmas arrangements on top of normal life have meant little time to blog. With work and xmas wrapping and overtime on top of having my son and fighting to get Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 3 to work online, I have been busy. After getting into SoundCloud I found myself revisiting my iPad Korg music making app and posting some pieces of music I had drummed up. The hours disappeared easily. Then I also got in contact with my new sister via email and so that occupied my thoughts. I'm not going into details though. All I can say is she seems pleasant and I like writing to her. 

This is the final working week and so although things are grinding to a halt, it is also a time for rushing to get all work out of the workplace. It will be strange not being at work after barely taking any holidays this year. 
My step son has asked me to teach him to play the drums which are in the garage. So now I do that once a week too. It's a good chance to stay in touch too but I doubt he will stick at it, I hope i am proved wrong. 

The twenty six hours with the mans son had ended. I guess it had only just dawned on hIm. He felt lucky to have been asked to collect him early even though the boy had been under the weather. There had been more luck at the time of returning him as an extension was requested by his mother. 
The man had cuddled and laughed with his son more times that weekend than he counted. A bond, an amazing understanding and sharing of jokes was there but hard to explain. The little boy had left his fathers side twice during this time together. Once to play whilst his dad cooked tea when the father had listened to the animated conversations from the kitchen. The second time was when the boy asked to play in his bedroom. The man had not wished to disturb his boys play, but was left redundant, sat in the adjacent bedroom looking lost without his friend. Pathetic? 
Independence is very important to the man and wants it to pass to his son but when the man himself is on the receiving end of being sidelined, he doesn't like it. 

So once alone, the man preceded to catch up on the half watched programmes which he deemed important before he took a hot bath. His legs were red under the water. What damage to a body was this doing? It couldn't be healthy. But he read and was happy doing so. It took a lot of motivation to read at times. But once it was underway the man always made a promise to himself that he would do it more frequently. 
The man rose from the still hot water and with one palm scraped the steam from the old mirror. An old face looked back. The red face took a second to recognise. The hairline was receding and with it swept backwards there was no hiding it. The silence of the house was deafening. 
Bedtime was unwelcome every Sunday evening. 
The routine of the week was welcome once underway but never on a Sunday. 

Alcohol had been mentioned this weekend as the man had attended a little get together with a friend at the friends workplace. It was just gone 5 months now since alcohol had entered the mans system. 
"Oh I don't even think about it now" had erupted from the mans lips. He had meant and believed it as the words sat awaiting to be spewed out. But once they left his lips, it seemed not as true. 
It was thought of in the company of others. As he had spoken he could smell and see wine being poured. 
Later now, he thought of it as he wrote. But the truth still stood. As much as he would probably enjoy a drink, it would be back to the downward spiral and it just would be such an obstacle in his driving based life as it was these days. 
Maybe when his son had well and truly stopped playing with his father and visits were far down the list of important duties to the boy. Then, yes maybe then, would the liquid devil seep into the innards of this frail spirit. It's pollutants firing the creativity anew. But the demons laying dormant, along with them. 

2011.

Being on my feet at work all the time, I give my footwear some hammer. So I purchased some work trainer type shoes of a more expensive variety in order to get more wear out of them. As usual these new work shoes frowned down on my older 'decent' footwear. So I made the decision to relegate my 'decent' shoes to become for work. My new and cheaper footwear seemed to gloat at the underling pair as the sat side by side in my kitchen. I felt sorry for my old faithful decent shoes after their 18 month service. During a hail storm after my working week, I walked back to the van to leave for home. My left sock felt the cold wet cuddle of rain water. It was obvious that I had sprung a leak. One week at work had rendered one shoe holey. I put my trolley back and squelched my way to the van again. Was my second foot having sympathy for my first? No I really did have a second wet foot. BOTH shoes now had sprung leaks within minutes of each other. It was like when elderly couples have one die and the other gives up the will to live. I looked underneath both shoes and upon squeezing them saw the bubbles of air  coming from the souls. My new shoes had won hands down. As I arrived home and threw my broken footwear in the dustbin in front of my new ones. 
They looked smug, all dry and clean. 
Well fuck you new shoes, I thought. What I didn't tell you was that upon purchasing you and leaving the store a week ago, I spotted AIRWALK footwear for the same price which I wanted an excuse to buy. Now I have my reason. You my friend are instantly cast down again to be my work shoes as intended and the AIRWALK ones are going to piss on your chips, ha ha, you can't cheat fate my toe carrying amigos. 

Shoe war

Being on my feet at work all the time, I give my footwear some hammer. So I purchased some work trainer type shoes of a more expensive variety in order to get more wear out of them. As usual these new work shoes frowned down on my older 'decent' footwear. So I made the decision to relegate my 'decent' shoes to become for work. My new and cheaper footwear seemed to gloat at the underling pair as the sat side by side in my kitchen. I felt sorry for my old faithful decent shoes after their 18 month service. During a hail storm after my working week, I walked back to the van to leave for home. My left sock felt the cold wet cuddle of rain water. It was obvious that I had sprung a leak. One week at work had rendered one shoe holey. I put my trolley back and squelched my way to the van again. Was my second foot having sympathy for my first? No I really did have a second wet foot. BOTH shoes now had sprung leaks within minutes of each other. It was like when elderly couples have one die and the other gives up the will to live. I looked underneath both shoes and upon squeezing them saw the bubbles of air  coming from the souls. My new shoes had won hands down. As I arrived home and threw my broken footwear in the dustbin in front of my new ones. 
They looked smug, all dry and clean. 
Well fuck you new shoes, I thought. What I didn't tell you was that upon purchasing you and leaving the store a week ago, I spotted AIRWALK footwear for the same price which I wanted an excuse to buy. Now I have my reason. You my friend are instantly cast down again to be my work shoes as intended and the AIRWALK ones are going to piss on your chips, ha ha, you can't cheat fate my toe carrying amigos. 

My son awoke from a twelve hour sleep and we went to nursery and then work. It was a nice surprise to have had him overnight last night. The snow never made it round my way today luckily. 
Work passed unremarkably. I weighed up the decision over buying new wireless headphones and came down on the yes. So i did. An evening to myself started with completing another case of L A Noire, I now have three cases left until I have completed it. Then whilst enjoying my roast veg and sausages for tea I enjoyed watching 'Hall Pass' with Owen Wilson. No....he hadn't popped round... He was in the film. 
Then with time on the clock, I wrote some bits whilst playing through the new Fall album 'Ersatz GB'.

I'm looking forward to the spare time that the Christmas holiday will provide. Maybe there will be enough time to lose myself though in my indulgences. Music film painting gaming and writing. 

Still no word from sis. 

My otherworld investigations uk t-shirt arrived today andi like it a lot. Next week we are taking our new medium to the West Riding pub to try her out, no pressure. I think next year i need to focus on our team as my mind is not fully on the write ups and footage reviews. It's as if my mind has shut down for winter. 

The snow covered windscreen of a dark and wet Monday dawn, was the first introduction to the tone of the day. I drove in a frozen position all the way to work. With my shoulders seeming to be clamped against my ears as I soared down the bypass. I clocked in and did what I do and then I clocked out. I had been informed about the weather conditions of the day and it seemed that they luckily would not stop me from having my son. We happily drove to our Monday rendezvous both laughing like children, he can get away with that of course being three. I have a three in my age, does that count?
No sooner had we landed than I received a request to have him overnight due to someone's illness. I ok'd it with my boss (many many thanks to him) and we had our tea and then set off to mine. We spoke of the snow on its way and how it made for dangerous weather conditions. He understood and agreed that there would possibly be days where the snow would decree it best if I don't collect him. No point in crashing or getting one of us stuck. I was proud of his intelligence on the matter.
When we arrived at mine he was asleep. He stirred when we got out of the van and took up my request that I put him to bed. 
I continued on LA Noire and completed another mission. Then there was a few exchanges over getting in touch with my new sister. There are still technical difficulties. 
I read my brothers exchange with her amd she sounded level headed and nice. I said she must take after her mum. 
Then my overtime allowed me to order this years albums by 'The Fall' and 'The Orb' before pre ordering Trent Reznor's 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' soundtrack. I want to replace the iPod classic I lost in the split. But I keep stopping myself as it seems like spending for the sake of it. 
Now watching 'The Runaways'. 

I went out to the pub for a mates birthday celebration. I have been without alcohol for nearly five months.  The last time I drank more than three pints was new years eve. So entering a pub felt odd. I stood alone and felt awkward with my Pepsi until the crowd arrived. Being able to drive there and back was great for me. I stayed out until alcohol effects had become obvious in every person and conversation was depleted. Being surrounded by alcohol was not a problem in fact having to hold my mates pint whilst he went for a wee made me more sure I didn't want it back in my life. 
Of course I was the boring one, but even when I drank I wasn't the fun one. So for me nothing has changed in how much enjoyment I got out of it. 
As an added bonus, not having the slightest interest in getting a female partner also made it a relaxed evening. I felt sorry for the crowds of relationships who don't have the freedom to come and go that I enjoy. 
I am happy in my bubble and pub life is a closed chapter, for now. I still don't rule it out forever. 
I arrived back home to a feeling of joy at entering my own home to a silence that I filled with playing LA Noire until midnight. 
Once again...bliss. 
A surprisingly good nights sleep too after all that cola. 

Why do we insist of the whole charade of Santa? Kids don't care less that there's a Santa, they only want the presents no matter who the hell gets em. We don't make up shit on the eve of their birthdays do we. Kids and adults are perfectly excited about birthdays without the invention of a persona. It boils down to an excuse to try control their actions in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Why do I celebrate this religious ceremony anyway. It doesn't matter to me what religious persuasion my country's laws are taken from. I have no worthy answer for why I get involved in it. 
It's just something which we all go along with. 
We send each other Christmas cards easier than we genuinely ask if people are well. 
Christmas cards are tomorrows litter and they are unsightly and pointless. 
But what if you didn't send them.....oh you would be thought of as a right bastard. 

I remember feeling let down and distrustful of adults when I learned the truth about Xmas. What pleasure had these so called grown ups got out of lying to me. Trusting others disappeared on that day. The feeling that up until then they had been giggling at me behind their hands for believing their stupid tale. 
Is the truth really worth covering up. 
Don't the parents get any credit. 
I do remember thinking " yeah Santa is getting me loads but what the hell are my parents getting me...nothing". 
Stupid season.  

The world catches Christmas fever slowly as I put my feet up with 95% of my duties taken care of. 
Overtime is in the bag and I can catch up with my hobbies. We have a handful of ghost events sketched out for next year already and I need to write up our investigation findings to keep up to date. 
Movie reviews have also taken a backseat along with having a pile of films to watch on various formats. 
My boy opened his first door on his advent calendar today and seemed chuffed. He approached me the other day about my telling him a story about when I went in a rocket to the moon and got back on time for tea. A girl at nursery had said that I had not been to the moon. 
So he said "did you go to the moon?" after a thought about lying, I couldn't. 
"well...it was a bit of a story", "I thought that if I told you that story it would make you happy"
He mulled it over and said "so you wanted me to be happy and so you made me a story?"
"Well Dad, it DID make me happy!" it was very touching. He was pleased with the outcome and it seemed that his nursery friend could go XXXX herself. 

I'm looking into more journeys into the past to unload from my mind/diaries.