Radio indifference.

The Aire Do festival got underway yesterday lunchtime. The sun was out on a lovely warm day. There was also another festival locally which was covering the same weekend. Our radio station was at both. We had a terribly timed meeting about it the whole weekend at two festivals, on the night before they started.
Hardly anyone turned up to it.
I arrived to find that the leaflets I had printed to be handed out were left back at the studio. This started a long list of failings that grew more irritating as each one was unveiled. Then as I handed out some leaflets I met the crowd. They were like I am when I am handed a leaflet, inconvenienced. It was a free entry event and beer was allowed. The local REAL alcoholics we're already there as they had probably woken up in the park, laying in their own piss.
Come midday, the bands were ready to play, except in our radio tent, we were three hours behind. Once again I stood handing out leaflets which nobody wanted and just kept thinking "I hate society". People of all different levels of scum and villainy were present and I had some foreign piss takers come amd talk to me and walk away laughing as they insulted me. Vile. I wasn't bothered by that actually, I expected it.
It all got too much for me so I went home to listen to the broadcast as it was played out live on our station. It was awfully crackly as the stage mic distorted with each loud vocal. Then it would go off entirely. then it would skip like a vinyl record.
I and been advertising this shite.
So let's see what today brings.
There is a Silsden gala today and so my little man and I are going to look around that....hopefully I won't bump into any ex girlfriends at that. I wrote an e mail to my sub management colleagues and said I resign from the group.
A small group of people can't make a huge difference against a tidal wave of indifference.

Egomania is an obsessive preoccupation with one's self[1] and applies to someone who follows their own ungoverned impulses and is possessed by delusions of personal greatness and feels a lack of appreciation.[2] Someone suffering from this extreme egocentric focus is an egomaniac. The condition is psychologically normal.[1]

So that's what I am.

No man is an island?

A lovely Friday alone. Finished work and stumbled in to the cinema to watch 'The Lorax'. Home to post a Soundcloud track and finished reading 'Catching Fire'.
Then I watched '2010' and 'Mother's Day'.
A little bit of Modern Warfare 3 with my new map upgrade now.
Not a bad day all in all.
Tomorrow is festival day as Jam Radio has involvement with The Aire Do and Woodfest. I will be there for a bit, hopefully recording audio from the crowd.
I do believe that my confidence has grown over the last few months. Also I am noticing how many different things I am contributing towards as well as creating.
I've gone from being boring about how shit everything is, to being boring about how good it's all going.
They say no man is an island.
I am , and it's fucking cool.

Coasting along...

It's frustratingly quiet at work this week and so I took the opportunity to write a couple of links for the show I will do in October where us dj's swap shows for a week. It made things a little easier for me. When I'm at work and full of coffee, there's nothing which I would like better than to sit and write.

My son and I started to watch 'young justice' tonight which is Justice League jr in cartoon form. It was good to both be into a programme together. I read him some Mr Men books at bedtime and he went down nicely. I then watched a good portion of THE HELP, which got me mad at the ignorance of white people from long ago.
I have some delivering to do tomorrow and so it will be a pleasant day once again right into the weekend. I love the quiet life at the moment. I seem to be in control of all segments at this current phase.
I think the answer to my happiness lies in being separate from the world in general. I am in control of the few cast members in my life, and those that are not in, I'm not fretting about anymore.

38 years old and coasting comfortably along waiting for bumps in the road. I'm sure they will come.

Tuesday, bonus content

I did indeed go to the studio tonight. I stayed there and completed my show edit and therefore never made it to the film. But instead I was pulled in to the studio as it was broadcasting live. The guest was a psychical illusionist and I was asked to contribute about our
Paranormal stuff. The guest and I had become mates a week or two earlier anyway and so it was no big deal. It was cool though, especially as he gave my film show a really good rating.
Www.jam-radio.co.uk, podcast, Whitehouse film club......if you are interested.

Anyway. I got home and read as I had planned and then wrote a couple of film reviews. Now I'm chilling as I get tired. Listening to VCMG, which is a side project of DEPECHE MODE.
Probably a quiet day at work tomorrow. Boss is on his holidays anyway.

Tuesday in july

Our English summer July Tuesday gives us little sunshine but a very warm level of heat.
Once I have finished delivering I pop into the shop to buy workmates an ice cream... I'm not a total shit.

Driving is not the usual pleasure because the more flesh on show women don't interest me these days and also the van speakers are broken so I can't play music or podcasts.
Mustn't grumble though.
A trip to the radio station tonight will be followed by a cinema trip. SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD is what I'll be watching.
A nice relaxing evening will hopefully finish by my finishing reading CATCHING FIRE (the hunger games 2)
Or getting close.
What will tomorrow bring?

Regrets....part 2.

The following days passed as unremarkably as any teenagers life does. I was in my bedroom listening to music when my mother shouted to me that the girl in question's father was at the door. I had as good as forgotten what we had done.
The presence of this man at my door made something certain, his visit was probably in relation to the crude drawings I had done in relation to his 13 year old daughter.
I reached and turned off my stereo as if to buy me another second. I remember the blood must've rushed to my head as I felt light headed as I made to walk downstairs.
I played the odds until the last second and put on my most unsuspecting faces, which probably translated as guilty if it was an expression of anything but miserable.
The father in question was six foot but old. He was a fireman by trade and as soon as he came home we had to leave his home to let him have his home back.
He was either at work or at his one position at one end of the sofa. Never at my door with such a snappy tone.
"****** has been up to the moors and has seen writing saying "w****** are twats"
I had been proud of my alliteration and almost said "I think you will find, I wrote 'W**** are wankers'" but decided against it. I said "yes I wrote that ... Your daughter calls me and (one of my accomplices) Gay, but it's all just good teasing" "it's just joking around"
He came back with "well you should think yourself lucky that I didn't catch you up there doing it or I would've grabbed hold of you and...."
My mother intervened..." Well YOU should think yourself lucky that you didn't catch him up there, because if you had laid one finger on him, I would've had the police on you"
She continued.."I grew up in London and I remember writing stuff on Walls snout people, I think most kids to at some point"

"yes...well... I think you owe our family an apology and my wife, perhaps, a letter written by each one of you."
"no problem... Like I said I've been friends with your family for years. It was all just fun.....your daughter calls us gay and we call her names"
He left.
I was very proud of my mum. She never said anything more about it.
I wrote the letter and grimaced with a mixture of guilt and embarrassment. Posting that letter was the final footstep I took onto their drive. I was about for the next year or three. I never mixed with any of them again. Childhood was over.
I have had guilt ridden nightmares about the upset which I had caused ever since.
It is something which I thought I would never tackle in my blog, but seeing them in person made me feel such a cock that I needed some sort if closure for my own piece of mind.
So twenty years on .. I am sorry for what I did.
I will continue to be sorry and have guilty dreams about the family.
But now that we have all grown up, I also think they overreacted.
Maybe I'm wrong though.

To be honest though, I've had worse regrets since.
"regrets....I've had shit loads" as Sinatra sang. Or not.

"Regrets..I've had few"

I went to the village where I was raised yesterday for the local village gala. Like any gala, the notion of FUN was in the air but the reality of was absent. I had taken my son to just kill some time really but i ended up regretted it.
First I went to where it was held last year. It had moved to a different field, my old middle school's field actually. The school has been modernised beyond all recognition since. In the years gone by it had moved out of the realm of SHIT and HOLE and become something quite nice. As we walked down the street to the school, I told my son how his daddy had walked up and down these streets when I was a little bit older than he was now.
The ghosts of years gone by walked around with me until something worse happened.
I saw a face that looked a bit like it could've been one of the girls I grew up with on my street. She carried a child and looked suitably more haggard than I remembered twenty years ago. Then I saw her still living grandma and witchy mother following behind.
I took evasive action in a way to not alert them to my presence. The reason? Well it's a long regrettable story from years ago. Nothing sexual you understand. But definitely hormonal. There were too girls on my area of road, one was extremely plain and the other was fat and ugly, which made the plain one seem like a beauty queen, especially in the dreams which would creep into my mind as I dreamed the dreams of a wet youth. (yuk).
She was three years younger and so there was a chance that I was in one day.
Not true, not true at all. I don't think she could be less interested. But since I seemed to hover around her and was older , I think she enjoyed the ever less discreet attention I payed her until one day I just said "can I snog you or what?"
Fuck the charm games I thought , just fucking ask.
"No" she said.
I hate the word NO, it's just so...well, final.

I'd like to tell you I took it well but I didn't. Her sexual powers had pissed me right off and the illusion had shattered. "Hang on" I thought, "I don't even really like you".
There was truth in this , but also a little untruth.

I'm afraid to say that I went up to the moor tops with two accomplices and we all wrote with stones on rocks, what a slag she was. (bizarrely).
My friends just copied me in an act of boredom. But they were spreading my twisted reactions across the landscape. I even went as far as doing crude drawings on the rocks along with words which slept out what had been put where.
But the strangest thing I did of all... Was sign my name under it. What a cock!
I was that fucking mad at her and yet my ego would not allow something I had created to not be in part, attributed to me.

You may think, yeah but , you were miles away on the moor tops. That's true, but as coincidence or memory had it, this was where her gran would walk our gang of kids to every weekend. This was going to be a very traumatic moment for all involved as the ten year plus olds were going to be greeted with my filth when they came to play.

to be concluded..

It's a question of when.

I've built myself a house of cards since becoming single again and living alone.... In bliss I must add.
Without a female voice to tell my ear that I am having myself on thinking that I can possibly achieve anything of interest, I have created the following situations.
Firstly, I created a ghost team called Otherworld Investigations which gave me control of that interest and I found like minded people to play at it with.
From that I ended up getting a radio station slot doing film stuff each week. From that I ended up on a sub committee for the station to try and lend a hand at having stuff run smoother. With three different team meetings running consecutively and having a full tome job and a child, I have stretched myself so thin that I have to be thinking of the next thing days ahead.

With my sensitive mood swings it is only a matter of time until the swaying of the card stack be takes one waver too many and it all collapses.
I thought about writing a script soon but then thought,when?
I need to sleep at some point.
I think it's time to consider backing off next, not taking more on.

Balance regained/Sneaky dentists

The universe has levelled out again as my rage plateaus.
Two good public investigations out if the way.
Tonight's radio show in the bag.
Next weeks shows ready to be written.
Erm....got my son in a few hours and that is always the best part if my day. After a potential shit storm Arguement, I quietly faced the music without putting my side of the argument forward. I always feel proud of myself for taking a bullet just to make my attacker feel,like they've won . In reality it doesn't change the universal fact that they are a prick. So now the balance is regained I will try keep it levelled and put a pretend front on to maintain stability. I understand you don't know exactly to what I refer but it's not worth spelling out either.

I'm busy blah blah blah ....I live my son blah blah blah ......what else have I got....
Women? Still not interested in them. I am in love with the fact that they are meaningless to me . It means I can actually talk to them without hyperventilating. Ok that was never the case but they do present a strong impact if you desire them.
But I don't....so take great delight in seeing their TRICKS miss me completely. flick your hair, cross your legs in that sexy way if you want, it may work for the other makes here but not me, I just see a problem in a dress, like a bear trap with lipstick on.

So this allows me to delve in to reading and writing stuff more. I was becoming a little over whelmed with projects but now feel to have a handle on it. There is a radio show gap of a week soon due to a live festival broadcast so that will make things more relaxed.
We snuck past the twelve months sober day and my coffee maker more time to shine.
Two more fillings in my mouth since I had another new dentist start. Why do they always find work to do after the first visit? It's like they feel that they have to prove themselves. It happens 100%of the time I get a new dentist. Sneaky fuckers....what are you going to say?

People = shit

Annoyed.
Every fucking time I put a hand out to society in general the fuckers end up smacking it. I should wall my front door up and eat out of cans. In a world of social media, I come out of my shell because it means I don't have to actually mix with the people that piss me off.
So it makes me even more resolute in the opinion that I should not mix or talk to or occupy the same room as another human.
I am less tolerant these days.
I am even happier to not look another person in the eye and I don't need another character to enter my life.

Time is all I need

It's the summer of 2012. You can't tell too much by the rain. When the sun does beat down, the park grass remains sodden until it rains again. My son and I did get to the park for an hour last night though.we explored the tree area and he carried a stick which he would stick into the squelchy mud spots as he found them. As a kid, I know this is a pleasure.
We nearly fell out over gravy on his tea but luckily he agreed to swap tea with mine. Unbeknownst to him he ended up having many vegetables that he was not going to have, had I not put gravy on his simple roast veg.
He played THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN game on the iPad which is an open world set up like GTA games.

The writing of my next show on the radio is going to be one long haul. With all the other side projects which I do, it's becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with writing reviews. I'm stuck in a loop and more things seem to be put on me to do instead.
I'm enjoying it all though. But paying to have Sky for nothing.

In myself, my spirits are high. I'm 38 and one year without alcohol. 600 posts into this blog over two years and 26 years into writing a diary. My life has evolved and continues to evolve. I've not had a bad mood or argument since I was married and feel younger in many ways without the oppression that being in a relationship brings to everyone.
Time...time is all I need... Not love.
I wish I could write more in depth on here but I'm cramming it in as and when at the moment. Lucky I have my diaries which can always be dipped in to.
Please keep reading. And thanks.

4000 page views

Thanks to you if you have read my blog at all. Every week I consider pulling the plug on the public being able to read it.
But when someone does I guess I enjoy that too. I wish I could concentrate on this page more but I am spinning so many different plates that it's hard. But as we all know, everything is changing all the time.

Open days

The Keighley festival was launched out of a shop which the radio station did the music for as others of us manned tables incase people asked about anything. It was quiet but enjoyable especially as I met a lad who is a kinda Derren Brown wannabe. He and I share theories which link to the paranormal and I gained a lot of respect of this person quite quickly. He can put me on top some good books about the subject of illusion and self deception etc.

Our ghost event number 1 was the best yet. All sub teams got good results. It was all quite surprising. Too much to write about here.

There was a radio meeting which consisted of four of us plus radio heads. I made notes and facebooked details.
Then after picking up my son, he chose not to watch ICE AGE 4 and go to mine instead. He did have some toys which he had been given .
After a night where my son had been a little sick through the night and had tummy ache from being unwell , we were both shattered.
However I convinced him to come to the open day of the model railway and then open day at Jam Radio.
I liked the railway because we could stand and watch. But I instantly felt out of place at Jam.
My son didn't want to,talk to anyone and I became increasingly agitated at his discomfort as people entered his private space to try and get him to talk. It was not long before we both wanted to leave.
Once at mine we could breathe again. I like all the people at Jam, fact. But trying to balance them while I have my boy is impossible. People want different aspects from you at the same time.
I took my son home hours later so that his mum could watch tennis.
Then I went to the cinema and then home for a film.
Early night 10:45pm.
Night.

Blog page is two yr old.

Two years have passed writing this blog.
I always wanted to be a writer. But although I can put words into a sentence, I cannot WRITE. I am one who writes and yet not a WRITER.
Years writing to an invisible audience has amounted to nothing. I'm still a no one. I'm not interesting or special. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said better by someone else already. But I still write. I write for the same reason that I used to cut myself. It's a constructive way of letting the built up tension flow out of me. These days, without alcohol I have no moments when I am under the Influence and letting my guard down. No moments when I catch myself behaving out of character.
I will continue to spew thoughts and non thoughts out onto this site regardless of readers. They say that no man is an island but I'm not sure I agree.

Mr insignificance. Mr normal. My speciality is that I am not special.
But I am still filled with a desire to share. Something to leave behind just on case one human thinks I am on to something.
I have given up waiting for a person to love me for who I am.
I just want someone to recognise that there is a creative fire deep within that has never been put out.

Coffee engine

We enter July. The month which I have been keeping at bay for months because of ghost events which I thought could be problematic. Yet....now they are here, I look forward to them.
The weekend took our team to an event called BATTLEFIELD PARANORMAL where teams from around the country got together on the eve of the biggest battle in England, at the actual site.
My Ouija board didn't work great at all and it was all my stupid fault.
But, I managed to have a good time anyway.
It was good to be away with our team as we shave two new members joining from here on in. Two major festival events doing the ghost stuff blurs into Jam Radio stuff too. July is mental for me time wise.
But I'm so glad I'm back on board with the ghost side of things.

Today at work a lad brought in his coffee maker and it was lovely.
It fuelled my afternoon as I flew out of work to the radio station to discuss upcoming events and promotion. Then I sped to the cinema to watch STORAGE 24, from there I drove to IKEA to buy a table and use only the top as a new OUIJA BOARD. From their I got home for tea at 9pm. So I juggled having to send e mails and cooking tea and drawing Ouija board letters and face booking as I started to watch 'CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND'. The coffee I downed will fly me through till midnight onwards. Tomorrow is the new spiderman film with my son, Thursday is a friend coming and that means I miss the last new release of the week, JOYFUL NOISE, but something has to give before our first event on Friday evening. But Friday is work, festival shop to man two tables , radio and ghost ones. Then radio meeting, then event. I can't squeeze more minutes in without stopping going bed.
But I am my own boss and happy. I am still creating something most of the time. I have things to show for my time. Turning 38 soon means nothing. I am satisfied and happy.
I don't have too much time for the voices in my head to gang up on me. The same juggling of needing people's nice comments and yet hating not being alone with myself or my son, still is playing out in my head but I don't have time to dwell.

As the small hours approaches , will the coffee fixes propel me through a mental crash which will bring down this house of cards?
It's all about control. I used to spin three plates but now I spin three on each hand all the time. Even going to bed means that I first have to write my diary and log the films in the back which I've watched that day. Cinema tickets are collected and boxed according to the year it is. This blog has to be written now and again. Facebook, twitter, Soundcloud music made, e mails, writing my radio show including news and reviews.......and there's still loads I want to do each day.

I'm like a machine. To slow is to dwell .
I could keep writing but it's too long already.
Maybe that's the coffee.