Thoughts of drink and romance are unwelcome

A fairly easy working day today if I'm honest which even finished with a two hour drive delivering to Wakefield. My son came out of school with a golden sticker on his jumper for doing excellent Numeracy and Literacy. Proud. 

All he wanted to do was play KNACK tome more and he finally achieved vampire knack who he had been after for a week or so. In a moment we are starting to watch Digimon cartoon from the very start as he hears about the toys at school but isn't especially clued up on them, and neither am I. 

I had a handful of good story ideas this morning whilst at work and it was frustrating not being able to sit and write instead. It felt like I'd hit a mine of my own imagination. I'm still tired from working late last night and will probably not have the energy to write much tonight after my sons gone to bed. He's right next to me now refusing to get off KNACK. I tell him I love him every time I see him. He is simply everything to me. 

I must report that last night I had the thought of what it would be like to start drinking again and luckily for me I had enough memory of why its shit for me to drink. It's also a damn sight cheaper not drinking. I think it was due to a friend of mine sending me a picture of a film we made together and the pic showed me having strapped empty beer cans to my head as if they were large rollers. This mad spell looked like a lot of fun but actually I was at my lowest and falling apart inside. I think I'm probably thought of as the boring one now that I don't drink but I don't cut my body to ribbons because I don't drink. I know I am the better person now albeit a boring one. I believe I have found where the grass is always greener. My mind also asked myself about future relationships as I realised I had no one to talk to about my day when I got home on an evening. Nobody to talk to about anything. I imagined hard what it would REALLY be like to have someone at home though and remembered that only I love myself as much as I think I deserve. Other people have no interest in others. Relationships are temporary and the good parts are half truths which you interpret as something special. Look back at those times after you've split and you'll see what I mean. 

I'll continue to not drink or settle down for longer still now but I'll always have the thought of living my life differently. I'd love for a woman to change my mind and to have enough money to drink to excess and not have it make me a looney. But it'll never be. 

Anyway I fucking live my life as it is.