I finished work at eight pm yesterday and got up for work at five thirty am this morning. It's been a full day since it is the last day of the month. I've been fuelled up on caffine and now I'll be glad to get home and write the script for tomorrows radio show recording.
I'm looking forward to picking up my son so we can play with the new stuff which he got for his birthday at mine.
Also going to watch Snow White And The Huntsman and PROMETHEUS.
As usual I'm looking forward to being alone. People are so exhausting to be around. I'm looking at Facebook less and less too, which is satisfying.
You can't beat the sound of locking the door on the world outside and sitting in your pyjamas in peace.
Later this day I wrote a 5000 word script for tomorrows show recording and then read more of the hunger games 2 book.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Autism dementia
I worked a twelve hour day and it was easy because it means I can go to my son's induction to his first school later in the year.
The overtime passed breezily as I was lost to my iPod classic. Each song was like a different season and each one conjured up a different take on life, from feeling upset to feeling elated and full of beans.
Music is power never mind knowledge.
I arrived home and ate, then watched a programme about autism which started with a person saying that a common thread of autism is a disinterest in other people. I think that sort of thing is in me but a light version. I also watched this programme and felt guilty for thinking I'm,ughn have it when these diagnosed people have it bad. I think I like people with autism the most as I admire their structure and organisation skills. I think I'd get on with them.
The second programme was about dementia. That was sad. The memory is a brittle thing and easy to get lost in, ala Inception.
I have to get a lot of writing done for the show's recording on Friday afternoon. I guess it'll be fine . I worry for my own sanity in the future if I stick to the plan to be on my own from age 36 forever. There will be no one to catch me when I fall.
The overtime passed breezily as I was lost to my iPod classic. Each song was like a different season and each one conjured up a different take on life, from feeling upset to feeling elated and full of beans.
Music is power never mind knowledge.
I arrived home and ate, then watched a programme about autism which started with a person saying that a common thread of autism is a disinterest in other people. I think that sort of thing is in me but a light version. I also watched this programme and felt guilty for thinking I'm,ughn have it when these diagnosed people have it bad. I think I like people with autism the most as I admire their structure and organisation skills. I think I'd get on with them.
The second programme was about dementia. That was sad. The memory is a brittle thing and easy to get lost in, ala Inception.
I have to get a lot of writing done for the show's recording on Friday afternoon. I guess it'll be fine . I worry for my own sanity in the future if I stick to the plan to be on my own from age 36 forever. There will be no one to catch me when I fall.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Two wrongs DO make a right
How did I help produce such a wonderful child? My son enjoyed his birthday recently and the day just seemed too short for him. He acquired loads of superhero things mainly. He enjoyed his cake and candles being blown out a lot and I did my best to make him happy. It seemed to work too as he turned to me from not saying anything and said "Daddy i'm happy". Any parent knows that it doesn't get much better than that.
But he is a constant surprise to me that his is not horrid at times.
I guess he could have it all to come later. I don't think I was a fuck up until I was seven but its not for me to say is it.
We put his new height on the height chart on the back of his door.
I took a photo with him holding the number four and we also played Harry Potter Lego on the iPad. He is just awesome to hang out with.
Why are most people so objectionable?
But he is a constant surprise to me that his is not horrid at times.
I guess he could have it all to come later. I don't think I was a fuck up until I was seven but its not for me to say is it.
We put his new height on the height chart on the back of his door.
I took a photo with him holding the number four and we also played Harry Potter Lego on the iPad. He is just awesome to hang out with.
Why are most people so objectionable?
Sunday, 27 May 2012
My darling
An amazing day with my son.
We walked to the shop and bought picnic bag and sandwich stuff and then got packed up for our drive to Ilkley.
The hot sun was baking our sun creamed bodies as I pushed him along the path by the river and then back to the huge play area. We ate our picnics under the shade of a tree and then walked to an ice cream van where we sat under another tree to get brain freeze.
We played with our ball and fought with sticks freshly dropped from the trees and he also went on the bouncy castle. Then it was briefly home to mine before going to his uncles to collect his birthday presents.
I took him home where his mum showed me the trampoline that she had bought for him.
I left in good spirits knowing I had made myself take a photo of him holding a number three as the next time I would see him, he would be four.
He makes me happier every day and I tell him I live him every day. I actually need nothing else from the world than that.
We walked to the shop and bought picnic bag and sandwich stuff and then got packed up for our drive to Ilkley.
The hot sun was baking our sun creamed bodies as I pushed him along the path by the river and then back to the huge play area. We ate our picnics under the shade of a tree and then walked to an ice cream van where we sat under another tree to get brain freeze.
We played with our ball and fought with sticks freshly dropped from the trees and he also went on the bouncy castle. Then it was briefly home to mine before going to his uncles to collect his birthday presents.
I took him home where his mum showed me the trampoline that she had bought for him.
I left in good spirits knowing I had made myself take a photo of him holding a number three as the next time I would see him, he would be four.
He makes me happier every day and I tell him I live him every day. I actually need nothing else from the world than that.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Today is sun filled
The sun shines on the righteous. The sun also shines on the shitheads.
The scum and the pretty crawl out of the cracks on a sunny day like today.
I am an hour away from collecting my beautiful son and having a wonderful time with him no doubt.
You find me sat listening to my iPod on shuffle and making notes of music for my radio show. I had a great recording session yesterday where I entered the studio with just my written script and the I recorded it all and edited it to its finished article in just over four hours which sounds like a long time but that's the quickest way I've found so far.
I've wrapped my sons birthday presents for next week and it always makes you want to just give them early but I won't.
All is good still in my life and I try to keep it going like that in the knowledge that something will threaten the peace eventually. Hell, i'll be dead someday.
Whatever I'm doing...I just ask myself if I'm getting pleasure from it.
I have everything balanced and I choose what I do. Life is sweet.
Who the fuck thought I'd ever say that?
The scum and the pretty crawl out of the cracks on a sunny day like today.
I am an hour away from collecting my beautiful son and having a wonderful time with him no doubt.
You find me sat listening to my iPod on shuffle and making notes of music for my radio show. I had a great recording session yesterday where I entered the studio with just my written script and the I recorded it all and edited it to its finished article in just over four hours which sounds like a long time but that's the quickest way I've found so far.
I've wrapped my sons birthday presents for next week and it always makes you want to just give them early but I won't.
All is good still in my life and I try to keep it going like that in the knowledge that something will threaten the peace eventually. Hell, i'll be dead someday.
Whatever I'm doing...I just ask myself if I'm getting pleasure from it.
I have everything balanced and I choose what I do. Life is sweet.
Who the fuck thought I'd ever say that?
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Whilst at the radio studio for five hours today, I completed a recording and complete edit of my next show. I was collared by someone who runs the place and asked of I would be interested in being the interviewer in a bi monthly tie in with the local playhouse in town. It struck me that I had said when starting this venture only recently "well you never know where it could lead to next". It seems that I've had a sign and rather than be put off again by the worry that I may not be able to do the task, I accept and will push myself so that it does work. I also put a mention in of having a two hour radio slot rather than one and was told, when ever you're ready. I had a spring in my step from that moment on.
In other news I am over the moon at being able to have my son sleep at mine on his birthday this year which was unexpected. That makes me the happiest of all. If this is the good fortune that no drink and no women bring then I will stick to this way of life.
God bless caffeine.
It looks like this will be my last year of ghost busting after all. Destiny is pulling me further forward and I have to keep up.
In other news I am over the moon at being able to have my son sleep at mine on his birthday this year which was unexpected. That makes me the happiest of all. If this is the good fortune that no drink and no women bring then I will stick to this way of life.
God bless caffeine.
It looks like this will be my last year of ghost busting after all. Destiny is pulling me further forward and I have to keep up.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Control
I arrived at work today with a flat tyre. When I change a tyre, I feel like a proper man, which I am actually not. Except because the spare tyre bracket and the wheel bolts had rusted a bit, I had to employ the help of an actual man thus robbing me of my masculinity.
Then I went straight to the tyre place to have it repaired where I always feel very unmanly as I mince about the forecourt whilst the lads talk about 'Birds'.
It all took two hours out of my working day though so that was good. Now my machine is running again and Keane plays on the radio over the buzz of my machines compressor.
It's Friday, hurray, and I'm going to the radio studio to do my show. I'm loving it a lot especially as I see my first show received 42 downloads to date.
After that I have my son tonight which is always brilliant and he continues to amaze me.
I am in control of my life still and that is where I find my happiness.
CONTROL.
Then I went straight to the tyre place to have it repaired where I always feel very unmanly as I mince about the forecourt whilst the lads talk about 'Birds'.
It all took two hours out of my working day though so that was good. Now my machine is running again and Keane plays on the radio over the buzz of my machines compressor.
It's Friday, hurray, and I'm going to the radio studio to do my show. I'm loving it a lot especially as I see my first show received 42 downloads to date.
After that I have my son tonight which is always brilliant and he continues to amaze me.
I am in control of my life still and that is where I find my happiness.
CONTROL.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Enjoying the moment
So now that my first radio show is downloadable, I feel a sense of excitement. (www.jam-radio.co.uk, podcasts, Whitehouse film club)
My show has been listened to by twice as many people than I hoped for and so I am happy.
I am spread thinly over all the things I do but I am enjoying it all. I'd like to give this blog some more attention.
I am the king of my world at the moment because I don't let others in too close. Unfortunately I still seem to pursue compliments from fellow humans which means I am unable to stay offline for more than one day.
A warm summer would sit just nicely at the moment and perhaps a few hours overtime to chase away a piece of my credit card, but I don't want to lean on fate too hard.
If I were to believe in Karma then I would tell you that the first thirty odd years was down to a punishment for former bad things I did and now that my payment is settled I can enjoy a life without vices and that includes the love of a partner.
Alcohol and women are both fruit of Satan in my bubble.
"Let thyme enemies stay at a safe distance."
My show has been listened to by twice as many people than I hoped for and so I am happy.
I am spread thinly over all the things I do but I am enjoying it all. I'd like to give this blog some more attention.
I am the king of my world at the moment because I don't let others in too close. Unfortunately I still seem to pursue compliments from fellow humans which means I am unable to stay offline for more than one day.
A warm summer would sit just nicely at the moment and perhaps a few hours overtime to chase away a piece of my credit card, but I don't want to lean on fate too hard.
If I were to believe in Karma then I would tell you that the first thirty odd years was down to a punishment for former bad things I did and now that my payment is settled I can enjoy a life without vices and that includes the love of a partner.
Alcohol and women are both fruit of Satan in my bubble.
"Let thyme enemies stay at a safe distance."
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Busy
My son joined me in bed last night at 2AM. He had leaked a bit of wee so I let him stay.
As wonderful as the cuddles off him were, I was awake for the next two hours whilst he made contact with me.
I cannot sleep if my own feet are touching each other and less so when someone else is.
The alarm sounded extra loud at six o clock.
I dressed him whilst he was still horizontal and he ate cereal bars in the van. I'd just finished telling him that I would not see him tomorrow when his mum asked if could pick him up for a bit so that she had time to get home from work.
That cheered us both up.
He waved enthusiastically from nursery's window.
Until tomorrow son, until tomorrow.
A wet weekend seems to lay ahead as my first radio show gets broadcast. I have mentally plotted out show 2 and will record it on Friday afternoon. I look forward to more music in the next show.
I'm also ghost hunting this weekend and trying to catch up on the new releases at the cinema.
Busy busy busy but it's all good fun.
As wonderful as the cuddles off him were, I was awake for the next two hours whilst he made contact with me.
I cannot sleep if my own feet are touching each other and less so when someone else is.
The alarm sounded extra loud at six o clock.
I dressed him whilst he was still horizontal and he ate cereal bars in the van. I'd just finished telling him that I would not see him tomorrow when his mum asked if could pick him up for a bit so that she had time to get home from work.
That cheered us both up.
He waved enthusiastically from nursery's window.
Until tomorrow son, until tomorrow.
A wet weekend seems to lay ahead as my first radio show gets broadcast. I have mentally plotted out show 2 and will record it on Friday afternoon. I look forward to more music in the next show.
I'm also ghost hunting this weekend and trying to catch up on the new releases at the cinema.
Busy busy busy but it's all good fun.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Wild things
Start date 7/5/12 found my step son and I playing Modern Warfare 3 and Halo Reach until I had to take him home, where I swapped him for my son. Then he and I watched 'Where The Wild Things Are'. My son recently got the book from the library and after watching it we acted it out. I put the dressing gown over my head and played Carol. I guess that film kind of some up our relationship when we are together. We are each others world only when we play at mine. I told him we would go to a forest soon and play escapism imagining games like you do when you are young.
I told him that I didn't want a girlfriend because I just wanted to be able to always play with him and he looked very impressed and gave me a huge cuddle.
I didn't mention the fact that I am incapable of executing a proper relationship with anyone who needs to depend on me emotionally.
Once our playtime was over I headed to the radio studio where I have now finished three shows and I managed to get a final playback date.
Next Saturday Is broadcast show one.
I am starting to have thoughts about whether or not I am broken or not. This led me depression in the early 2000's and that's why it's a concern.
I get more reclusive by the week but no less in need of people's praise or validation.
My main worry is that whilst I don't feel that there is a hole left by a lack of a woman in my life, will I eventually see that there is a hole and that it's too late to do something about. You know even as I write that I strongly feel that what I am doing is right for me, and I need to trust myself.
There's a desire to share your happiness with others but I always find that they ruin it for you in the end as they don't care about you being happy as much as you yourself do.
It's a selfish world.
I told him that I didn't want a girlfriend because I just wanted to be able to always play with him and he looked very impressed and gave me a huge cuddle.
I didn't mention the fact that I am incapable of executing a proper relationship with anyone who needs to depend on me emotionally.
Once our playtime was over I headed to the radio studio where I have now finished three shows and I managed to get a final playback date.
Next Saturday Is broadcast show one.
I am starting to have thoughts about whether or not I am broken or not. This led me depression in the early 2000's and that's why it's a concern.
I get more reclusive by the week but no less in need of people's praise or validation.
My main worry is that whilst I don't feel that there is a hole left by a lack of a woman in my life, will I eventually see that there is a hole and that it's too late to do something about. You know even as I write that I strongly feel that what I am doing is right for me, and I need to trust myself.
There's a desire to share your happiness with others but I always find that they ruin it for you in the end as they don't care about you being happy as much as you yourself do.
It's a selfish world.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Blackpool
I awoke with my son to a bright day. We packed up and left for Blackpool. I asked if he was excited and he said yes but I later considered how he could be excited about going to somewhere he had never been before.
He said YES though which was nice.
We went to the Star Wars shop which is a bit if a Mecca for film geeks and he chose three presents towards his birthday. I'd taken a load of 2's for the machines, which nowadays are mush harder to find. I saw none that took 1 pence pieces.
Back to my house for a bit and then home for him. He didn't want to go home.
I raced off to the cinema and watched SAFE and SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN. I had parked half a mile away so that I didn't have to pay for parking. I then had to walk through the rough roads of Bradford back to my van. Pubs were in full swing and looked horrid through my eyes.
I looked forward to my pop and food when I got home.
At the back of my mind is the radio show I recorded yesterday. I am concerned that we didn't speak directly into the mics and rendered the audio unusable. We will see tomorrow.
I'm still feeling unusually anti social.
Excepting that I'm looking forward to having my stepson call tomorrow to stay. He doesn't wind me up.
He said YES though which was nice.
We went to the Star Wars shop which is a bit if a Mecca for film geeks and he chose three presents towards his birthday. I'd taken a load of 2's for the machines, which nowadays are mush harder to find. I saw none that took 1 pence pieces.
Back to my house for a bit and then home for him. He didn't want to go home.
I raced off to the cinema and watched SAFE and SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN. I had parked half a mile away so that I didn't have to pay for parking. I then had to walk through the rough roads of Bradford back to my van. Pubs were in full swing and looked horrid through my eyes.
I looked forward to my pop and food when I got home.
At the back of my mind is the radio show I recorded yesterday. I am concerned that we didn't speak directly into the mics and rendered the audio unusable. We will see tomorrow.
I'm still feeling unusually anti social.
Excepting that I'm looking forward to having my stepson call tomorrow to stay. He doesn't wind me up.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Slow time
The sun dropped by yesterday and today is hiding above the grey clouds which giver over England.
I can't tell if yesterday's slight grumpiness has moved out of my head.
Tonight I have to do some recording at the radio studio and I'm looking forward to that. Its nearly always on my mind.
I've been single for for practically fifteen months and sober for ten months.
Alcohol sometimes wanders into my mind.
Women still haunt my dreams.
I awake in a cold sweat when I dream I'm in a relationship. I feel trapped.
It's a relief to wake up.
But I worry that curmudgeonly outlook will restrict my life as regards experience.
But when I look at other couples, they seem to waste a lot of time just wiling away the hours. They are content, but that scares me. I try to be doing something which either creates enjoyment or something which will aid me enjoying myself later.
My life is my own and with cramming so much in I seem to have my weeks pass slowly.
I fear these times passing and continue to log everything in diaries and online etc.
I read a good film quote today,
"I don't believe in happiness but that doesn't stop me from being happy" BELOVED
I can't tell if yesterday's slight grumpiness has moved out of my head.
Tonight I have to do some recording at the radio studio and I'm looking forward to that. Its nearly always on my mind.
I've been single for for practically fifteen months and sober for ten months.
Alcohol sometimes wanders into my mind.
Women still haunt my dreams.
I awake in a cold sweat when I dream I'm in a relationship. I feel trapped.
It's a relief to wake up.
But I worry that curmudgeonly outlook will restrict my life as regards experience.
But when I look at other couples, they seem to waste a lot of time just wiling away the hours. They are content, but that scares me. I try to be doing something which either creates enjoyment or something which will aid me enjoying myself later.
My life is my own and with cramming so much in I seem to have my weeks pass slowly.
I fear these times passing and continue to log everything in diaries and online etc.
I read a good film quote today,
"I don't believe in happiness but that doesn't stop me from being happy" BELOVED
Slow time
The sun dropped by yesterday and today is hiding above the grey clouds which giver over England.
I can't tell if yesterday's slight grumpiness has moved out of my head.
Tonight I have to do some recording at the radio studio and I'm looking forward to that. Its nearly always on my mind.
I've been single for for practically fifteen months and sober for ten months.
Alcohol sometimes wanders into my mind.
Women still haunt my dreams.
I awake in a cold sweat when I dream I'm in a relationship. I feel trapped.
It's a relief to wake up.
But I worry that curmudgeonly outlook will restrict my life as regards experience.
But when I look at other couples, they seem to waste a lot of time just wiling away the hours. They are content, but that scares me. I try to be doing something which either creates enjoyment or something which will aid me enjoying myself later.
My life is my own and with cramming so much in I seem to have my weeks pass slowly.
I fear these times passing and continue to log everything in diaries and online etc.
I read a good film quote today,
"I don't believe in happiness but that doesn't stop me from being happy" BELOVED
I can't tell if yesterday's slight grumpiness has moved out of my head.
Tonight I have to do some recording at the radio studio and I'm looking forward to that. Its nearly always on my mind.
I've been single for for practically fifteen months and sober for ten months.
Alcohol sometimes wanders into my mind.
Women still haunt my dreams.
I awake in a cold sweat when I dream I'm in a relationship. I feel trapped.
It's a relief to wake up.
But I worry that curmudgeonly outlook will restrict my life as regards experience.
But when I look at other couples, they seem to waste a lot of time just wiling away the hours. They are content, but that scares me. I try to be doing something which either creates enjoyment or something which will aid me enjoying myself later.
My life is my own and with cramming so much in I seem to have my weeks pass slowly.
I fear these times passing and continue to log everything in diaries and online etc.
I read a good film quote today,
"I don't believe in happiness but that doesn't stop me from being happy" BELOVED
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