It was 1995 April 20th and it's a thursday evening. I was sat alone in my bedroom at my mothers surrounded by my belongings still in boxes from the move here and waiting for my first new house to be available to move to alone. 8:56pm my diary says. I sat at my black ash writing desk with a glass of southern comfort in my hand. Drop Dead Fred was playing on my tv. As the drink flowed and the bottle liquid reduced in content I slowly wrote in my diary as follows;
I FEEL LIKE SHITE.
I NEED A GIRLFRIEND...NOT 'WANT'A GIRLFRIEND. WE ARE TALKING 'NEED' A GIRLFRIEND.
I WANT MY OWN SANCTUARY.
DO I WANT ATTENTION? WELL, NOT FROM MANY, JUST ONE.
AM I REALLY A LOSER WHO CAN'T ADMIT IT OR HAVE I SOME HIDDEN TALENT.
PAIN MAKES YOU ALIVE.
WHY DO I ANALYSE?
I AM HOPELESS. I DON'T FEEL SUICIDAL. I JUST FEEL UNOPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE.
A few glasses more and accompanied by listening to nine inch nails, I wrote more....
I FUCK MYSELF UP, REDUCING MYSELF TO A PILE OF EMOTIONS ONE DAY, WILL I FIND LOVE? IT SOMETIMES FEELS IMPOSSIBLE.
AM I A FAILURE? I NEED MY OWN HOME BUT WOULD THAT MAKE ME WHOLE OR WILL THAT MAGNIFY MY BAD PARTS?
I NEED SOMEONE TO BE WITH ME BUT I'M LONELY AS HELL!!!!
It was at this point that I took a knife of some sort and cut BROKEN into my forearm.
Now....19 years later, as i sit having grown up and not had a drink for almost three years, I see it as more pathetic than I ever thought I would. I was broken in a way. I saw a huge unknown chunk was missing from me inside. In actual fact it was this missing element which actually makes me who I am. If you will, it's like the anti matter in the universe which is invisible but is the GLUE to our existence.
With age you learn. Relationships were vital to me but the end game (Or so it appears today) was that I didn't need another to make me whole. The scars have luckily faded from those days and I have evolved into a superior version of myself. Single, yes, but whole. My feelings and thoughts were actually my best features. Perhaps only from my perspective but that's all that counts.
I was teetering on the brink of a big fall and trying to numb myself of the pain i knew was about to start. Living alone was going to see me swim with my own demons. Now I've met my demons I learnt where they get their powers from. This led to me knowing what to take away to take their powers too.
The demons are in me but haven't been fed and watered for years.
It's other people who throw food at them now even though the sign says "Please don't feed the demons".
Time is indeed a healer and the solution is often found out by mistake. HOLD THE FUCK ON AND KNOW YOUR DAY IS GOING TO COME.
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