My life is my playground

Friday. 30th August 2012.
Well after my working half day I had to deliver to Bradford which left me near the cinema which was a good thing. I got my ticket for THE WATCH and was pleased with it really. It made me laugh in places. I came out of that screening and bought a ticket for THE POSSESSION which is a horror produced by Sam Raimi's Ghost House Pictures. That was pretty average to be honest. Since it was now about half past four and I had nothing to go home for I went to see TOTAL RECALL in order to see the very beginning which I was late for on Tuesday at the preview. I actually stayed for all of it again. Although not based enough on the Arnie version I think this delivers In other ways. When I came out if that and saw that I only had one more film to see of the new releases excluding two Bollywood films, then I talked myself into seeing A FEW BEST MEN too. I fidgeted through this film due to having been sat for hours but also because it was shit.
I came out on a high and found a few answer phone messages about stuff and drove home finally knowing that if I got to the cinema at all next week, that I had done enough all ready. I have a busy week next week and so it's good to know that i can miss it.

This was my last Friday to myself as my son starts his first school on Monday and I will be having him with me every Friday as well as other days. So this was a treat to myself.
Talking to a wagon driver at work this week I said "I don't need holidays as every day is a holiday for me" it's true, each hour is for me to decide what to do with. No compromise. Time with my son is golden and when I have to give him back, well, that is golden for a different reason. Work? Well....I'm happy at work to the point that I don't have any bother going at all, I haven't for over ten years. ...what a fantastic thing to be able to say.
The radio stuff is great at the moment and the ghost hunting is a success still. What's not to like?
How the fuck did i go from drink and drug fuelled depression to a non drug/drinker (14 months sober) person who split from his wife because she gave me no option?

Life has never been better. I am living a wonderful, controlled life.
I never saw it coming. I would never have believed it possible.
I'm alone now at 6am in bed. I was alone last night ......and thoroughly happy and content!!!
My life is my playground.

Last nursery drop

Well things are looking up once again. Tonight our ghost hunting team had a private house visit which went well and we had the Ouija board give out some great results which corresponded to what the residents already knew. We have to go through the audio recordings now and see of we caught anything of interest.
I also have to do a wrote up of clients claims of activity and investigation results. (on top of writing a full radio show script by Saturday dinner)

I'm downsizing my efforts in some areas so that I can push forward In others.
For example....
I interviewed some cast members for a production of a play recently and I had expected a free ticket to the performance as a thank you but none came. So now the next six interviews are without my involvement I've decided. There's absolutely no reward or incentive to make me do it. It's not as if I don't have shit loads of other stuff to do instead.
This weekend I have six potential cinema releases to see.
I'm never going to see all those.

This morning was the last morning that I will ever set foot in my sons nursery as he is starting school on monday. I avoided having to say goodbye to the girls...I just treated it as if I would see them again. I dot like goodbyes....never have....I'd rather just ignore them.....strange right?
People skills? None.
Historical moments such as today just pass by in a boring fashion until you look back and they take on more significance.

Leaving do/Bollywood

Yesterday afternoon I went to my sons nursery for his leaving party. He actually has one more week to attend but nonetheless his leaving 'performance' was then.
My ex wife 'to-be' was there too. Absolutely ZERO awkwardness as ever between us, in fact we were laughing and joking like the old times. My one concern was 'DON'T CRY...DON'T CRY' when the kids entered and lined up upon their paper graduation hats and received their rolled up paper parchments. I was so glad to be there for this ultimately pointless procedure. I had been led to believe that they were doing a sort of play or something but in actual fact they sang three very short songs and then had tea outside. Still it was nice watching him not know which one of us to beam a smile at first. As his mum and I caught up on each others family bullshit my son would be heard shouting "my mummy and daddy.....look at this"
It's such a big deal to me that she and I can spend time in the same room without a hitch. There was an awkward moment of heartbreak almost when one of the nursery girls gave us a binder from his first weeks at nursery called 'my family'. The girl said "Now I realise things might have changed since but this is his family folder". Thinking about it now makes me want to cry ....at the time I didn't even look at it.
But back to the good side, I was glad that there was no performance from the kids as I would have been in floods of tears.

After that I went to the cinema and watched my first BOLLYWOOD film ever called EK THA TIGER. The ticket seller pointed out that this was a Bollywood film and asked, did I realise that?

I really enjoyed it I'm glad to say and will give it a glowing review.
It was a shame that straight after I watched KEITH LEMON THE MOVIE which was utter shite.

Pick a persona

Some days I feel like Eddie Brock inside the Venom Simbiote from the spiderman.
I'm trapped inside a costume which controls me against my will.
I have moments of self doubt.... Well days and sometimes weeks. Yet another me has an unfaltering self belief who believes if I only put one small foot in front of the other, then I can achieve anything.
These two people in me think that the other one is an idiot. So this third, uncertain, narcissistic projection of me. Who is writing now... Gets caught in the cross fire of the though patterns of the two stronger characters.

I notice and understand more and more that I am a person have only ever puts one foot into anything, leaving one foot out incase I need to escape.
A commitment-phobe?
Certainly an irritation to others who try and rely on me.
That's why I distance myself from everyone..... So that I reduce their disappointment and frustration in me.

It's like rolling dice each day and not knowing what personality I will embody.

The awkward boy

The world feels like something I am once again shying away from. My team mate has started to really make some good connections for us in our local area. But I am feeling less enthusiastic about it than the rest. I feel like I'm dragging my heels or more correctly they are dragging me with them.
I wouldn't budge on my rule of not changing my days which I have my son in order to do a ghost team event. I'm now beating myself up about it but I'm also proud of myself for sticking to my guns and being upfront about it.

I am in a good mood in myself still but I have that feeling in my bones of wanting to clock out from the world even further and sit doing nothing.
In some ways every second of my life is a relaxing time which I control. But in the other it seems that I'm always writing or planning etc.
I'm having a funny turn in the light of expanding with the radio work and the ghost investigations. My mind tells me we will look a twat soon. Something will not go as planned in the future because less planning is being done.
We are operating with luck on our side but that luck will run out soon.
I feel like the member of a band that is getting famous and I don't want the fame, and yet, don't want to stop the others from getting famous. I'm an awkward sod.

There's no pleasing some people and I'm one of those people I'm afraid to say. I'm just cut from a different cloth.
With 'fame' comes less freedom by the sounds of it.

Don't cross my line...

An enjoyable weekend doing what I stated I was going to.
I've been given a title at the radio station by the manager of our little management team. Something like Quality and training manager. Ridiculous.
Id rather be known as an untitled nice guy than a guy with a title, who's a twat.
I have listened to about twelve podcasts this weekend by the station presenters. Some terribly edited shows and some laughably funny shows filled with swearing tracks.
It's been quite an eye opener.
I got let down a second time by a new presenter who I was going to train. He wasted two of my evenings this week.
Another guy has taken over a month to get two actors and a director together on one day for an interview I was meant to be conducting for their theatre performance. I have a line in the sand ....if you're on the front side of it, I can be nice and patient ...but once I grow tired of that, I flip and all my energy disappears.
Other people.....ficking bane of my life.

Yes I know ,i'm just all about myself....but that suits me, why not try it?

Because of my freedom in life. Everyone else seems in different stages of walking through mud. I can make a decision in a split second whereas everyone else has to ask three people first.
Each to their own.

I hope you are all ok out there! Thanks for reading. It would be nice to get a comment or two one day, what the hell's taking you?

Good busy.

It's the end of the week again, commonly known as the weekend. Once today's working day is done I shall finish recording tomorrows radio show and then decent on the cinema to watch THE WEDDING VIDEO. Last night I watched THE EXPENDABLES 2 and my god l enjoyed it.
This morning at five am I watched BEING ELMO which I also loved.
Tonight the team are ghosthunting at a local mill with a private party and I'm looking forward to that.
Tomorrow I am recording a future radio show with a returning guest and then going to the cinema yet again, most likely to watch my first ever Bollywood film.
The day will close on a high as my son is staying at mine and it's always a delight.
Once our games are finished on Sunday I have to return to the studio again to train a new dj in how to put a radio show together.
So busy busy in other words. But hugely enjoyable.

3 AM

3am again and my mind has decided to process the events of the day. Myself and the rest of the ghost team were at an open day at East Riddlesden Hall for an open day. My team mate and I also were supporting the radio station too. We sat for hours and chatted to some people, but it was more our presence at the event which was important. We had a small amount of interest in both sides of these things. But our ghost team was most interested in finding someone to allow us in to the hall to investigate at a later date.
We also met a man who had contacted by way if a nice e mail about his mediumistic powers. He seemed like a nice bloke but then all mediums seem totally grounded at first.
After the long day I went home and ate food. Then I had lots of hours spent going through my iPod whilst making notes of tracks which I want in my show. Firing music into my brain does seem to always have the after effect of them repeating in my head later, like songs do.
So anyway ...I now lay awake finishing listening to a favourite podcast whilst thinking over how to attack future ghost investigations.
I guess the small hours of life is when the best work gets done as their are no distractions from others.

I have radio training this week with a new guy and there has been
Talk of not just rolling over and allowing any Tom, dick and Harry have a show regardless of if they are any good.
The station seems to free wheel with any level of skill being used. If you are crap at it....it's still fine. Well that won't do if we are wanting to progress with the station especially since financially it is struggling.

I managed to get my son to the studio and had him record some voice work ( once he stopped crying). So I look forward to his lovely little voice helping me out on air.
He continues to inspire me every day. My ex gave me a bit of a telling off when she heard he gets in with me some nights. I guess I do need to be more strict with him as he grows up.
Anyway ......that's it for this night.
Let's try sleep again.

All typed out

Well hello there... You find me stood very hot at the end of a working day. Where I will soon hot foot it to the radio studio to pre record some of my links ahead of time. This is because I am now the guy who trains new dj's how to work the studio. Every piece of my time outside of sleep seems to serve a duel purpose.
I can't even sit on the loo without reading a bit of the paranormal book which is on the bath.
Even relaxing watching a film means writing notes throughout it in case I want to talk about it on my show.
I shouldn't complain, but it's in my nature.

I think we need delve into my diaries soon. A bit of therapeutic memory embarrassment works wonders.

Pre sleep blog

Just a little blog then before I go to bed.
Swimming with my son was the highlight of the day.
He abandoned his arm bands in the baby pool and sunk as I told him he would. But he was very brave for trying. He does seem to float well without them but his confidence got the better of him.
We had a great day together and today I left him without any sadness. After all I see him tomorrow anyway.
As usual his mother was not yet home when we arrived. What followed was the usual awkwardness as we sat outside being stared at by the children playing out. They knew I once lived at this address and they knew that I no longer did and had in fact been replaced by a new man.
It was awkward when she did arrive with her not-so -new- man and I had to avert my gazes he waited for me drive off.
I complimented myself on still not looking at him. He is invisible to my eyes. I really have never seen him.
I hope that she feels like time has stopped still when she wonders what I am doing nowadays too because when I think about what she might be doing , I too realise I would have no idea.
It's been 18 months ish since we split. But since I have not entertained a new lover , time for me has frozen.
I am in locked in stasis it seems. I love it too.
Three times this weekend I had people suggest that I may have a new lover one day. I told them all NEVER with a defiance that was every bit as fully believed as when I first stated it.

After I and prepared my things for the early work start tomorrow and read about hypnosis along with suggestibility, I was at a loose end. I set off to the station only to discover it closed.
I had known deep down that I should not go , yet go I did. I wasted fifteen minutes of my life.
I didn't have a coffee in the evening either in the hope of having a good sleep tonight after my son broke my sleep a few times last night and it culminated in him peeing on me in my own bed.
Kids eh?
Anyway, I enjoyed listening to the show I did with my brother this afternoon. I also finished writing my next one which I will record on Tuesday.
Here starts another week of busy thoughts and not enough sleep.
Bring it on.

APOLOGY again

I occasionally re read a blog page and see that spell check makes it appear like I'm an idiot.
I know I should re read it before I post it...but I don't...so there.

Where will it lead?

The day has been a long one. I did my days work and then called at my mothers for their birthday. Following that I called back in at work building to discuss a banner for radio station. This left me time to shower and clean up in order to arrive at the station in time for a longer slice of radio training, training.
But I ended up helping to carry a shelving unit to a different building. Four hours later and I was dirty and sweaty amd just about to start what I had come for. I stuck at it and didn't complain as I was now management. I think that in the end it put me in a good light. When home, there were phone calls to make and e mails to send still regarding the station so this really has turned into a full time job almost.
But my worry is that I still need to construct my show each week which takes nearly seven hours with the inclusion of writing it.

But it is a new phase and one that I embrace.

If I was walking a road before , that I didn't know where it lead......them I have now jumped on the bus at least.

Where will it lead?

Balance restored

The structure of the radio station wavered and nearly fell tonight. But in the end I think we all need up on the same page.
I was made official management with others. I believe the station will benefit from my orderly approach.
The paranormal stuff is kinda in hand and a meeting is planned.
So it was a shame that my darling son had a bump of heads with another nursery child today and bust/cut his lip quite badly. He is ok in himself but it's never good getting a phone call from nursery to report such events.

I hope to have another quiet couple of months without life throwing clods of shit at me. I guess I better get my head down and write some show scripts ahead of time. Anyway I'll bore you with that another day. I'm trying at work..I'm trying at station...and I'm trying with ghost stuff, so hopefully life will reward me with a quiet peace filled existence.

Love between two people.

Did someone once say "stick to the road less travelled"?
Well that feels like what I am doing.
I see people who are in relationships that are in differing states of failure. I see some who would love the opportunity to fail at it who can't appreciate the stain that failed relationships leave on your soul.
I walk between the paths on a nice flat but grassy path. Yes others have already walked where I am but not many.
Is this what it's like being a superhero I wonder. Having to chose to have no loved ones near in case harm comes close to them.
NO it's not like that. Not unless my super power is to sit alone with a coke and a film, whilst stretching out my arms and saying"ah this is the life".

I catch myself stopping in my home and listening to the silence. I remember when that silence was filled with the chatter which was either directly telling me how shit I was or dowsing the seemingly natural conversation with undertones of how shit I was.
Ah marriage. Cornerstone of any agreement which exchanges who you are really inside for a cold and hard ball of resentment.
But hey. Relationships offer more than that don't they?
Come on what about the good times!
Coming home to find someone already waiting for you..."I thought you were meant to take the rubbish out but I've done it now"
Or the cuddling up in bed on a night with another person.
"if she doesnt let me get in my sleeping position soon
, I'm off to sleep on the fucking couch"

You can keep it.