Last day of 2013. Tick tick tick.

It's 8:15am and my mind is wondering about what to do with 2014. But the real decision I've already made is not to pressure myself. My first thought of the morning was to 'live in the present' which is harder that is sounds. Our brains are forever 'remembering' or 'planning ahead' for the day. I just want to live day 1 as day 1. That's not to say planning won't take place on a day to day basis .....but I want to be free of hang ups from the past. 

Today however, is still 2013, so I can still reflect. 

I have set my daily ipod reminder to do two things: tell me daily to drink one glass of water and tell me monthly to take a photo of my son in the same place, holding a little card saying 'January 2014' and so on. Achieving these two tasks will really improve my life and they are so very easy to do......if reminded. On top of that....less is more as I have been saying. Less rules set, the better. I want to not weigh myself down with tasks such as 2013's 'watch 365 films in 365 days', which although I completed, was still quite a weight on me. I want to allow myself to waste a little time. 

I spend each hour spinning plates, for example. I'll watch an episode each if three or four Netflix series and then watch a film, followed by washing up or something with my hands. Whilst doing the chores I will listen to my podcast which I have about four of weekly. It's like Tarzan jumping from vine to vine. To find myself just sat....even for ten minutes...I fill with a dread that I'm allowing my life to drip away down the drain. While it's probably mostly a good thing, productivity wise, it does go too far. I'd like to have a light walk sometimes but I view it as time wasted when I could be watching a series or getting further in a book. But exercise is important and something I don't attack full on. I'm much better at sitting still. Sitting still would be my super power if I was a shit superhero. 

Well there goes another 15 minutes. That is my writing done for the day if I want to leave it at that. It's much easier to write when I'm off work. 

I have my son at lunchtime, over night and into New Year's Day. Today or tomorrow we may eat out somewhere. I'll see what he says. 

I hope to be also leave all negative thoughts towards myself in 2013 too. I'm happy in myself and it's up to others to embrace that for themselves. 

It's been a good year......but 2014 will be better. 

Writing burst

Well here is a 'writing burst' exercise where you write for ten minutes, not worrying about the quality. I write everything pretty much that way anyway. Today i awoke at 4am and watched 3 episodes of The Office US before switching on my new electric blanket again and dropping off until 10am. i got up and washed my bedcovers along with my sons so that i could bang them on the radiators to dry. I believe i read for 35 minutes-Abarat. i still have to finish off my second reading sitting after writing this. I then turned on my ps3 and played The Last Of Us until i reached the part with the 'clickers' which i could not kill easily until a lot of attempts and a little help from YOUTUBE. It is a spare day to myself today and im utilising it as best as i can. i considered going to the cinema to see The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty but decided i would make better use of the time by watching The Wonder Years on Netflix- 3 episodes. 

This writing exercise is just one attempt at getting properly inspired to write....well......anything. i have half baked ideas, especially as i read myself, but they come to nothing. like everything else (except film watching), i don't keep up the effort required to finish. Watching 380 films this year has been my biggest achievement. I am setting no goals for the coming year. 

well thats 10 minutes......

catch you later. 

End of 2013 thoughts

It must have been past ten pm last night as tiredness crept into my eyes as caffeine subsided and my thoughts turned to my newly warmed bed. I had received an electric blanket from my mum for Christmas and had soon wondered how I'd lived without one. Anyway, as my legs agitated me even while on the footstool, I swapped my unused leather armchair with my much used and worn cushioned couch. A few inches too wide for its new location, my couch sat awkwardly at an angle which made it look daft. My armchair was nicely positioned right in front of my tv. I cast a glance to see if the couch would go across the opposite wall to where it currently sat and set about moving it a second time. A tidy up followed and then I sat for another half an hour with my newly set up front room. It felt good having a change in my surroundings. 

I awoke at 4am from a dream where I was an actor who kissed Jennifer Lawrence on the cheek. Also in my dream I heard 'Stand Inside Your Love' by The Smashing Pumpkins- a great song. I watched the last two episodes of Breaking Bad series 4 on my ipad in my bed. Then I returned to sleep once more. 

At 8:30am I got up and tidied some more before reading Clive Barker's 'Abarat'. 

It's too early to vacuum but that is next on my agenda. With this year drawing to a close, my mind is looking to my favourite day of the year- New Year's Day. I think my approach to next year is to not have any other direction other than 'not to be so hard on myself by making resolutions'. I want the year to be a breeze and an escape from my own expectations. I'm not ready to have a new partner, that much is clear, but more of an interaction with society- friends in particular- would be a step forward. 

I'm in hopeful spirits today that next year will be a good one (although bad news must be an ever more likely prospect mustn't it? As time moves on)

 

Xmas eve

Christmas Eve and all through the house, 

Not a creature was stirring ....

But I was... I'm off to work god dammit

All is well

The weekend before Xmas 2013 was a welcome relax alongside taking my son to a birthday party at The Big Blue Frog play area and delivering cards to friends and family. I also spontaneously bought a final gift for my boy, which was a Nintendo Wii of all things. 

My present to myself was a Bose soundlink mini, which rocks my world currently. Today is my only hurdle. I have a rubbish job to print before my time off begins- but I'll get through it and what's more, I'll be glad when it's done. I'm juggling watching netflix (breaking bad 4 and Arrow 1) with playing Call Of Duty Ghosts and Beyond Two Souls plus reading Clive Barker's Abarat (again). 

These things are bringing me lots of pleasure. 

I'm really looking forward to the new year. ALL IS WELL...which is awesome. 

Giddiness and smellyness

Giddiness prevailed this evening as my sons happy and hyper mood led to us commentating over Spiderman 3 in funny ways. We were both laughing hard at each other till we could barely breath. The Christmas excitement has set in tonight. 

Whoa! Hold the front page! I've just found I can download Minecraft to my ps3 for free! I'm off. 

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I went to bed and watched Ghost Lab which made me order a camcorder from  eBay which I hope I receive before Christmas. I never got around to showering away the white spirit smell from work and since I mostly are garlic bread for tea tonight..... I stink. 

It's 3am and I'm awake again which is going to be a massive mistake given that I'm  watching Anchorman 2 tonight until midnight. 

Only two more normal days at work though so sod it. 

A Romantic Fear

Hello Blog. I've been living 'in the moment' so much what with overtime engulfing my many waking moments that it's meant I have little time to formulate ideas, let alone write them down. Money is rolling in and I'm really happy and grateful. The exhaustion of the moment is making me a walking zombie though. Today is Sunday and I jumped out of bed and got to work at 6:50am. The work itself almost physically wore me down to the point of personal injury. 

So after that, late in the afternoon, I raced home, showered and jumped in the van to go see Don Jon followed by In Fear. 

I'm currently awaiting the second of those films. I may try and watch Gravity again after that but we'll just have to see. 

I've become rather isolated by life (of my own making) recently and it's made me question what will become of me. The film Detachment had a line about senility where an old guy asked how he was to make new memories while in the old folks home's bedroom. 

The same kinda goes for me. I'm only 39 and having signed off on relationships, have I signed off on life? 

I worry that I'm going to miss opportunities to live. But it's only in the hope of avoiding further pain. 

Life and living scares me. 

That's the basic truth. 

After wave of feeling.

Am I in the corner of the universe looking out at all the weirdness of others or is the universe looking into the corner to see me sat alone being weird? Certain obligatory meetings I have with others always leave me feeling bad about myself. I'm uninvolved in others trivial lives. I am always distant and I pass through their lives at odd times like Haley's comet. 

I've had a good weekend which today involved my stepson and I going to watch the high frame rate version of The Hobbit which I didn't enjoy the look of as it seemed I was on stage with the actors rather than the characters. 

I'll just stick to my local cinema outings for the foreseeable future. It's good to be so close to him (and my step daughter) still, it makes me feel I have more of a value in the world. I mean well and that should count for something. 

Whenever I've been in company I get this string feeling of needing to redress the balance. I don't want to be seen as anti social but the distance grows with each passing month. I'm missed less too which helps from their perspective. 

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Just don't ask

Life on this side of the planet is pleasant. No earthquakes or killer animals to be concerned with. The UK is a quiet splat of rock sticking out of the sea. My part of England is a tree lined countryside. My life within that area is quiet and happy. What have I got to moan about? 

Too much overtime at work? Don't have an iPhone? Can't quite work the central heating right? 

First. World. Problems. 

I'm happy to say that I do stop myself from getting to moany of late because I appreciate that many have it worse. 

But like anyone else, if you ask me what's wrong, I'll think of something. 

Quick catch up

I worked another Sunday this weekend which means I still haven't had enough rest. After finally fulfilling my ambition to watch 365 films in one year I spent my few spare hours playing Lego Marvel Superheroes opening up new characters for my son. 

My boiler is being replaced and that's left me with no hot water or radiators for days and so I've had on one plug in heater and water bottles. It's not been too bad, but I'll be happy to have a warm upstairs again. I'm looking forward to having Christmas week off and relaxing. 

Happy  birthday to my wonderful stepson. We are meeting up tonight for a few hours. It's been thirteen years since I met him. 

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We went to the Vue cinema in Halifax to watch Gravity 3-D (my third viewing). The screen was every bit as big as the price = £25! 

But it was an all round good experience. The screen and surround sound was better. But being allocated a seat was weird. 

My heating is working now too so all is returned to normal, well, overtime still hangs around. 

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After our PPS visit to The Locks on Saturday night we found that a camcorder which never works properly at this location, works perfectly when not there. Was something stopping us from recording? I still have audio to review for EVP's. 

December 1. 2013

This weekend has been a lovely chance to reset the clock on my routine. Just having a proper weekend for a change has been just the tonic to balance my energy levels and get a grip on myself. The last weeks have been tough on me and the work has been shit. But I'm ready for more this coming week. I've watched a few films this weekend and I'm out of the door in a moment to watch the remake of Carrie. I've been so organised that even though it's only December the 1st, I've stared wrapping presents up for Xmas. My son and I had a great time as ever playing as characters who were actually also playing the PS3, which is a but if a headf***. I've lost some hours to Call Of Duty ghosts which I find better than the multiplayer mode. I think it's my job to be apart from the world, at least I know where I belong and I'm ok with it. There was a minor disappointment last week but even I can see that the bigger picture shows things going more my way. Christmas will be pleasant. 

The double cinema trip to round off my weekend made for an enjoyable but weepy end. Saving Mr Banks had us all wet eyed in the dark. Even listening to Neds Atomic Dustbin on the drive home had me almost in tears. I think this being single and withdrawn is making me feel that my life is over BUT the thought of being in a relationship with reality is just not going to happen. I feel like I've cashed in my chips ....but I'm sure I'm happier than the other side of the fence. Maybe it's just loneliness. But nobody could actually share my feelings exactly as I need them to. I go round on circles.

I know one thing.....my son is the flaming torch which keeps the demons away. I came out of 'Banks' wanting to create even more memories with him. 

But now it's bedtime.