The Ring

1092 days ago I buried my wedding ring deep in a tin of ink at work. I did so without malice or anger but merely new it was a meaningless item marking out a something which had rotted into a meaningless relationship.  

Maybe a year later I thought my ring burial had been harsh as I am quite a keeper of tokens from my life. This one should've probably been kept more than many others , certainly above cinema ticket stubs and other useless tat which I can't throw away. 

Anyway, the ring was long gone. 

So what? Gone is gone. 

Three days to go until it is three years ago that I became a happy single man again. 

This morning I pull out my works scarf from my works bag which only  contains my scarf, emergency deodorant, emergency book and emergency fluff and grit (which I don't remember stashing).

I lift out my scarf and see a glistening object is sat upon the scarf as it raises from within my bag. I recognise it instantly as something which I got rid of. 

So I guess the natural explanation is that firstly I never submerged it in ink at all and just pictured what it would be like to do so. But f I had kept such an item I know from being predictable that I would not keep it safe in the bottom of my works bag. It would be kept in my 'keep things safe' cupboard which is in my bedroom. 

Plus the only thing to raise out of my bag on a daily basis is my scarf which I had stuffed in the afternoon before and shouldn't have a ring neatly sat on top of it. 

Am I to take this as some kind of message from the universe? 

Is it a message from the universe that I have won this award for finally being able to move on to pastures new? Is my guardian angel proposing to me? Just how does something you got rid of come back to you? 

 

It's odd. But odd things have been happening to me recently as if someone is guiding my thoughts to where they should be. 

I just wanted to log this occurrence as these little impossibilities happen now and again and for some reason we forget them soon enough. 

If it's a sign that I am going to remarry one day then I'm not certain I'm happy about that. I've been punished enough. 

Greedy guys

I awoke before my alarm today and enjoyed my half hour lay In before the school run. Twenty minutes before setting off time I called out my sons name and heard movement followed by one of my favourite noises of all- his pitter patter of feet into my room for morning cuddles. We were cutting it fine leaving my house and with traffic lights and other obstructions I chose to go to work a different way which led me to be 7 minutes late. Since I'm currently working over I guess it'll be let off.  

I have eaten a lot today and worst of all pizza ordered for dinner at work which I'm still picking at. My tummy is pushing forward over my belt towards some invisible goal....unless it's the cheese and crackers we bought yesterday. 

Early 2014

Last night I went to the cinema after having my son for a few hours. But I didn't go alone, I took my sister. Since she moved out of our mums I've seen her only twice as a normal visit. We went to see 12 Years A Slave and knew it was going to be an uncomfortable watch. 

Now that she's married, this may be the best way to see her when her new husband is working. I don't want to lose our semi closeness. 

I know only too well how moving out can stop everyone from bothering to visit or stay in touch. 

After seeing my aunt, gran, step children and sister over the past week and a half, I realise I should congratulate myself on being 'the visitor'. I will be mentioned in the short lists of people who do visit when the inevitable realisations occur for the stated people who live alone. 

No sooner had I done the calculations that made me realise my large overtime additional cash flow was set to cease come February, did it get said to me that there is overtime available should I want it. It took all of three minutes to switch my mind out of 'what am I going to do when I leave' to 'what's the latest I can leave'. 

That too deserves self congratulation. 

 I'm starting to learn the way I work in my head and benefit from that knowledge. 

Tonight also, I'm doing the PPS teams 3rd investigation of 2014 at a rugby club. I am still trying to put the team ahead of film watching this year. So far so good. 2014 is great so far. There's a spring in my step even though I turn 40 this year. It's others dying that I worry about. I'm at that point in my life. 

Plodding on

I arrived home after an hours overtime and made a point of reading the book I'd neglected to read for a few weeks. I even set a timer to mark thirty minutes. Fortunately it went off mid long chapter, forcing me to finish and read longer than planned. Then I turned my next half hour to listening to audio from my locked off dictaphone in the cellar of The Picture House investigation. As I listened to the hum of boilers etc I heard a very loud noise from my recordings which I can't explain. It may well be nothing paranormal. 

I was drawing the comic which my son and I storyboarded at the weekend as I listened. Two birds- one stone. 

Once my timer announced it was time to change again I sat down meaning to watch  2 Perks And Recreations but ended up finishing the last 5 of series 1. 

Then one hour of Minecraft led to 2 and it was time to retire to my electric blanketed hot bed. 

Slept very well. 

My working week is simply the act of putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with each shitty difficult  printing job. .... I'm thankful for my job obviously. 

The hours run out on the clock and then you get to choose who to spend your real time with. 

I spend it mostly alone. 

Cosy night alone

I wrapped myself up in bed last night as early as 8pm and watched the end few episode of The Wonder Years series 3 before starting Perks And Recreations. It was pretty damn enjoyable, although being it bed causes you to be sleepy. I'm trying to attack a series whole rather than switching between three or four. This is my life now, it's a part of being single and happy. I can change my mind spontaneously and nobody gets annoyed about it. Hell, I can breathe and nobody gets annoyed about it- now that's progress. 

I have a lot of audio and video footage to review from our second investigation this year but I have failed to even start- hopefully I will tonight , although I'm wanting to go and see The Railway Man too. 

Sunday

After an investigation into the small hours, I got up and in to work on the Sunday for 10:30am. I got a job out of the way of tomorrow's list. 

I found my way to the cinema to see The Wolf Of Wall Street and loved every minute. I had bought some new clothes from Asda and had to return them for a bigger size an hour later. I almost didn't take them back at all. 

I'm in a happy place still and balance is restored. That's not to say that all the drink and drugs in today's film didn't make me want to go back to my old ways, but ultimately I'm just where I need to be. Sober. 

Wobble

Is it because I'm turning 40 this year that I'm kicking myself down a but about being old? I've got time to enjoy yet. I need to get out more and experience things with my son and step kids. I'm weighing up my life without a partner and seeing if I'm ok with it. Truth is, I am. But I think other peoples views are altering my own. 'Too young to be alone' they say. "Too young to be happy?"  I ask.  

There's no one I want for a start. But I guess its kinda normal to be asking myself if I'm truly ok. 

My life is being justified in my thoughts but if I stop and think back to when I was 15, 30 or any age- the answer is I was always reflecting on myself. 

I guess I should just roll with it. At least I want to not mess up.  

Pre and post investigation

I'm in Oakworth, sat in my van waiting for our first investigation of the year. A warm up if you will. The rain is falling on the van roof and there's just the metal plink noise as drops wet my vehicle. 

I don't know if we will make contact with any spirits tonight. The house does not come with any claims as we would normally expect. 

It's a house who's owner is an elderly relative of a ghost team member. The family member has been housed elsewhere and only the shell of the home sits silently. It seemed like a good opportunity to try out. 

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Well oddly we interacted with a spirit dog-possibly. The other half of the team were upstairs with the ouija board and they contacted a male but I have yet to watch the disc. I started reviewing the footage from last night and feel good that I got Into it so soon. 

Currently I'm watching 'Frances Ha'. 

Things are going good. 

3AM importance

What is so important at 3:30AM that my body wakes me up for? Bubbles of thoughts pop in my brain and I wake up thinking of random stuff. The two to three hours before your early rise for work is not a time to wake up and watch tv etc but what else do you do? 

I woke to a mental evaluation of my existence by my brain. 

I told my brain to sleep but it didn't listen. Instead I watched a further Minecraft video. 

Ok let's try sleep again. 

To live in the present

A whole Sunday to myself. I awoke at 7:40am and sat upright to watch an episode of Walking Dead series 3. I followed that with a chapter of Abarat. I've chosen to go to see American Hustle at lunchtime and tie in a walk into Bradford to perhaps purchase some new clothes and if I'm lucky, a coat. I do enjoy full days to just roam and please myself. I can never decide if if it's a sad thing to enjoy. I awoke from a dream of being married to my sons mum again last night. A weekly occurrence. I was overjoyed to be released from the suffocating feeling. I'm sure she would have similar dreams. I mean nothing against her in the real world. She could be replaced with any woman and I'd feel the same or so I tell myself. I don't think there's a woman out there who would fit with me any different. I'm not lonely, I can say that with honesty. People piss me off, it's really that simple. Just like a wasp annoys you in summer while you drink sugary drinks in the sun. 'What a miserable twat' I imagine folk must think about me, but the truth is quite the opposite. My maker has designed me to be fully functional as one complete unit. I say this with the knowledge that this only works now that I have my child. He is my electricity. 

There's a silence in my bedroom today but it's charged with a hum. I can hear........electric? Static? I'm not sure. Hey I've just had a wonderful thought. I could go for a coffee in Bradford today and feel quite the artist. I do feel a sense of poetry as I sit alone and contemplate in a coffee shop. 

But it does sound like a good idea to be amongst people more. Near, not interacting with. To feel like I exist alongside society but I can walk away unnoticed at any time. 

My fathers female cousin (I think) has joined my film club via Facebook and it's good and a tiny tiny bit odd to be in contact with someone who I've had so little to do with, but who is family non the less. 2014 has had a great start so far. I want this year to be that of simple pleasures and no stress. To read, to walk, to think and to feel if possible. To enjoy the days and embrace the moment. To simply LIVE in the PRESENT. 

   

Gran visit

It's 6:15 on a Saturday afternoon and I'm stood in a hospital corridor about to visit my gran in hospital. Her broken leg has landed her with a long stay here and then she will spend weeks in a home, temporarily. I am 15 minutes early for visiting it seems. I'm told she has had enough of being here and mostly confined to a bed. 

I feel sorry for her. I'd hate it too. 

I hope my present of a book to read will give her some escape, at least for her mind. 

These corridors are creepy. It feels like its a place which is much closer to death. 

It's a rubbish place to even visit, let alone be confined to. 

The lobby is starting to fill up with visitors now and I'm glad I've come. It makes me appreciate being: healthy, free to come and go, single, young/middle aged. I've everything to be thankful for. I'm blessed. I guess it takes a change of perspective to see things clearer. 

Past January 1st posts to compare

(Here's January 1st posts from. 2012 and 2013)

Sunday, 1 January 2012

The ability to 'compartmentalise' my activities is a real useful tool in my life. 

I rigidly set a timer of one hour onto my phone while I read a book. Then I allow two hours to enjoy a film. Maybe two half hour sections on a box set I'm working my way through. 

These examples have stretched too far though and it's something I need to reign in. 

I seem to have applied rigid rules to my every move and it's crippling me for no good reason. 

Let's say I eat my breakfast and I already plan to eat dinner at 12pm. 

That means if I have a snack it has to be eaten at 10am. If I have a yogurt then it has to be eaten at 2pm because I will eat my tea at a predetermined time too. 

So you see that I sometimes have to stop being so daft. 

If I'm hungry I should eat then. If I want a yogurt earlier then I should just eat it.

The problem is the feeling I feel when I have set rules and not followed them. It's ridiculous. I need to lighten up and I am trying. Spinning plates of recreation is a good way to cover all bases and utilise time the best but when it becomes all consuming, it's a bad thing. 

I can be a prisoner of myself. 

I will endeavour to be easier on myself. 

I saved a shoebox for this new year of 2012 so that I could save cinema ticket stubs and other momento's which will paint a picture of the year so that I can build up a collection of shoeboxes which itemise every year. I will write on a piece of paper inside any important results as they happen. It will be like The time capsule boxes that are popular with schools which they bury on the school grounds. 

Yeah just another thing I commit to for no really good reason. My diaries keep needing to be written. My blog seems to be still somewhere to throw any excess thought. The only thing that seems to have reduced in content is Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. However I now post music I have made on Soundcloud which is more time consuming than the others combined. 

But all things considered I still feel EXACTLY where I want to be. 

Posted by Chris Whitehouse 

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day one....again.

The first day of 2013. My slate is clean. I can only look forward to the next 364 days and hope they keep me happy. I bought my three diaries which structure each year throughout. 

So now as the sun descends on the day towards four pm, I sit watching my first film of the year, IN BRUGES. I have all my work things laid out in good time so that it doesn't feel like a bad thing later as my holiday comes to an end and the only thing left is to prepare for work. 

So now I have hours of cramming in holiday relaxation and straight to bed before the welcome return of the routine. I'm so very lucky to like my job which allows me time to think, write and even read throughout. 

I started the day with a glass of water which I hope to turn into a routine too, but lets not make to a fucking 'resolution', ok? 

Christmas had moments when I was surrounded with alcohol or with people consuming it. I looked at the liquid fun and imagined drinking every person's drink which they held. 

The feeling shite memory has faded but luckily the knowledge that I hate hangovers still lingers. Maybe my path will cross with alcohol one day in the future ( and so also self destruction) but not yet. 

I'm controlling my actions even tighter than ever this year. I will be a ghost locked away in an empty castle and only I will know my comings and goings. 

Solitude will be a closer ally. I will continue to blog and so you are one of the few who will have access to what the solitude leads to. Think of it as an experiment in the benefits of keeping others away. On the flip side I hope to do at least on travel weekend with my friend which I pray will put something new in to my brain and may lead to further evolution for my soul.

Completeness

New Year's Day. A clean slate. My son finished Amazing Spiderman on ps3 by 10pm last night and didn't wake until 9am which gave me a good rest also. I had gone to bed at 11:30 because missing the new year starting makes me avoid any melancholia which may be attached. Hey.. It works for me. 

This is my last Xmas holiday day and I think my boy and I are going to watch Walking With Dinosaurs the 3-D movie. Then there's a day and half of working before the weekend arrives once more. All sounds good to me. A glass of water today will mark an even healthier me. I'm an ever updating version of myself. 2014 will see me reach 3 years of not drinking alcohol and overtime has reduced my credit card by a third and continues to do the same again. A second third at least will be paid off this year. 

How can I not be in good spirits? 

With my son by my side, I can achieve a state of happiness that I never pictured for myself. I am totally at peace. It's only outside sources which put a strain on my soul. 

All I have to think about is the day at hand. Water, read, cinema, PS3 and healthy eating. A wonderful start. 

My son mentioned our trip to Scarborough last year and we both agreed it was a highlight for us. We will go away again in summer, maybe somewhere new or maybe return to scarborough. 

I'm lucky enough to know that as far as home perks go, I have every luxury I could ever need, and then some. Gadgets out of my ears. So much stuff that I cannot see the time when I could exhaust the content of any one device. All that's left to do is to work on the easy stuff such as going for a walk or eating fruit. New clothes are due certainly and most of all a new coat. I've never felt such a feeling of Control and Wholeness. I think of this as 'completeness'. 

I appreciate what I have in the knowledge that things change slowly everyday. Kids grow up and leave, people die, money gets tight and opportunities pass. But the knowledge of this process gives power to the observer. There really is nothing else to attain. Just hold firm and enjoy the ride.