Time is moving so hang on tight.

I'd no sooner closed my eyes after finishing work at 11:15pm and getting to bed, that it was 6am and time to go back. Luckily my body had found enough time to sleep and feel ok but my limbs ached with a longing for stillness. I gathered my limbs and got to work saying to myself .."you're a machine".  

I can't wait to leave work and enjoy my extended time with my son. 

You have to embrace every moment with your kids especially when they are kids. He seems to be slowly becoming less of a kid each time I see him. Time moves without a care for your opinion. I guess we should move with it without a care too. 

Self empowerment

My evening was taken up with playing two player KNACK with my son on ps4 and then playing KNACK VS AVENGERS as ourselves throwing cushions at each other. I put him to bed and sat in my bed reading. Being in bed makes me tired so it wasn't long before lights out. I gave him breakfast in bed as usual and took him home to finish his week off school with his mum. I was very happy to be asked to have him both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. He was too. 

We have plans to play DRAGON ISLAND which is a game we are going to make up with his toy dragons, pirates and my bed cover. 

Work today has been one long job which will take me into overtime for sure. I look forward to being able to put my headphones on when everyone else has gone. But until then I'll keep whipping out my iPod touch and writing bits and bats as Starey Stareson (a guy at work) watches me trying to make me feel guilty. I don't feel guilty as my machine is printing as I write- therefore I'm working. 

I feel good inside and yet can feel my face hang in a miserable fashion as always. There seems to always be a disconnect between my new found happiness and my facial muscles. But then there's also a revolt happening to my body hair which I'm personally against. My chest hair has many white ones now, my nose hair wants to be seen, I have several eyebrow hairs which are fatter and more unruly than the rest and my forehead seems to be moving higher up. 

I don't like looking at myself in the mirror as I feel it's cheating on me. 

I feel better but my body looks worse. 

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Well it's overtime right now and I'm fuelled by Pearl Jam, Puddle Of Mudd and Embrace amongst others. Oh and caffeine. It's dark outside and I'm alone but this is like a second home to me now. Plus since I've done a handful of paranormal investigations here, I feel I know the ghosts on a first name basis. I'm safe. 

It's gonna be a later night than I at first thought due to printing complication but it's cool. When I get paid it'll all be worth it. 

Just enjoyed a lovely self hug whilst having a sway dance with myself. With no lover to hug me I guess it's up to me to love me. So I wrapped my arms round to my back and it felt lovely. That's weird isn't it. But fuck it, it felt great. I felt so much more empowered by myself that I'll do it more often. Self congratulation is a stranger to me. Hell, any congratulation is foreign to me. 

NOW

I'm not sure there will ever come a day when I don't delight in the fact that I live alone. The hours are entirely mine to fill with different things that bring me joy. I'm never told to turn it off or stop earlier than I wanted. There's no sharing. No compromise. I love every tiny thing about it. But it wasn't always that way. As a teen I would stare out of my bedroom window at the clouds as the night sky turned to starlight and wonder what the world had in store for me. It was different than what I'd been taught by film and tv would come my way. A model for a wife and a large house in the country never happened. I searched hard for someone to love and years and years of torment passed until I discovered the who I loved was inside me. One of whom was the real ME and the other was what became my son. Now I love two people in my life, me and my boy. I wish I could go back and tell myself that everything would be ok one day. 

So if you wondering the same thing about your own life. I am tljng you that EVERYTHING WILL BE OK SOMEDAY so enjoy now while you have it.  

Pre working

You know that feeling about working over, when you don't want to do it but know you'll be glad that you did? That's what I had yesterday. Thirteen and a half hours was managed by having my headphones on and listening to Embrace 'This New a Day' and Kate Nash 'Girl Talk'. It was my body who threw the towel in not my mind. 

I have some large runs coming in at work so I guess I need to stay in the correct mindset for longer yet. 

I'm three quarters of the way through reading Divergent and whilst I thought 'how can they make a film out of this?', I watched the good trailer and saw all the bits I'd read look cool. 

This week I've drank more tea than coffee and it has been much nicer and enjoyable. Also a glass of water a day is creeping back after I let it slip for three weeks. 

I seem to have my life well balanced and that makes me happy. My son is at his holiday club today and will spend the following two days at home with his mum which I'm glad about. I feel sorry for him being on the school premises when not at school. 

Well I better get back to it. 

Completion of Medium Interviews?

I greeted the day with a "Morning day!" And then realised that Darren Day's partner says that every morning. Last night was as productive as I could have hoped them to be and I finished our last investigation notes and review. I even commandeered our websites build codes so I could post what I'd written on there myself from now on. 

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Well I'm still at work due to my printing machine needing its grippers resetting as it was ripping up paper. Out goes any chance of my hair cutting tonight. One hours overtime won't prove too much of a distraction from my writing tonight. 'Roll with the punches'. 

I haven't been to the cinema nearly as much as I feel I should've. I have a floating thought that I may go tonight much later though. 

It would be nice to only watch cinema stuff for a spell so that I'm ahead of the game, I don't have sky tv after all. 

My son will be having his karate lesson tonight. I'd love to see him in his gear punching some pads shouting 'Saa!'. He's so gorgeous and tells me not to tell him so, so many times. 

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My good lord , have I actually just finished my Medium Interviews? It feels like it. I've sent a copy to the contributors to look at and approve. 

Now I get to watch tv. 

The best ME?

I greeted the day with a "Morning day!" And then realised that Darren Day's partner says that every morning. Last night was as productive as I could have hoped them to be and I finished our last investigation notes and review. I even commandeered our websites build codes so I could post what I'd written on there myself from now on. 

Tonight is also a writing night mostly and I'm looking forward to getting further on in my work. I'm surprised at my own ability to structure my time accordingly. 

My father is still e mailing me on the whole and I reply straight away although I still have to wait for a week before he replies and it's usually as if a new conversation has begun rather than a continuation. It is what it is. 

Is this latest ME the best ME I've ever been? It's close for sure. There were times when I was going to the gym and so in better shape but that was also when my soul inside was shattered. 

I am well aware of how life is a continual shift through 'phases' and that makes me enjoy 'now' all the more. Kids are growing up, friends growing old and elders dying. Everyone is on a slow hill slide until we all drop into the abyss. 

So for fucks sake, cheer up. 

Feeling fine

This Monday feels like my working week will be normal hours and I welcome that. After finishing a ghost write up yesterday I have decided to put my energies into finishing my Medium Interviews by working on it each night. Playing second fiddle to that is my finishing Arrow and Breaking Bad series 5. It will feel good conquering those. 

Spring can't come fast enough for me. 2014 has started with such a fresh buzz of joy and its made me be the most productive I've ever been. I bloody love my life. 

Tonight I will see my son for tea and I've chosen a pirate ship toy for us to play with as our entertainment. I'm sure he'd rather we were at mine playing Lego Movie PS3 game.   

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As ELO's Mr Blue Sky plays over the radio and the clock ticks to signify only 45 minutes of work left, I'm in good spirits. 

Work has elements which I have to ignore but ignoring stuff is one of my strengths. On the whole I'm even happy at work. 

I simply don't recognise my life from even 8 years ago. 

Hell is other people. 

Mid February weekend 2014

My son dictated that our time together would be dominated by playing his new Lego Movie PS3 game and even cancelled us going to see the movie itself for its second viewing. We did follow through with our promise to go to Eureka in Halifax to see its new exhibition called 'Space Is Ace'. It wasn't ace. Just sayin'. 

We still had a good time in the usual fun of the museum until I had to drag him home to his mums and pick up his brother. I took my stepson straight to mine and we ate pizza as he played Assassin's Creed Black Flag on PS4. This went on from 5 till 11 pm and I was glad to hit my bed. 

I got up on Sunday and watched 3 episodes of Vic and Bob's House Of Fools which left me scratching my head. 

Once again I watched my stepson play Black Flag until it was time to take him home and drive to meet PPS leader friend in Haworth. Our meeting at the tourist centre went better than planned as we met a ghost walker guy who we can work with in the future and also help out ourselves. Buoyed up by this fortuitous meeting, my friend and I went about our loves once more leaving me to fly to The Dalesway where I met another mate who I enjoyed a bottomless coffee with. I'd vowed to return home and write which is what I did. It was a good feeling getting this task completed and posted on our Facebook page (Pennine Paranormal). 

Once I'd done my written work I treat myself to starting to watch Breaking Bad series 5 and continued with Arrow series 1. I'm guessing that I will have a week where overtime doesn't steal hours from me and so I have plate spinning plans for each evening. Reading, writing and tv watching all feature. One week of hibernation is due I believe. I'm just enjoying the boredom peacefulness of my life in the knowledge that stormy seas will be inbound one day. 

I've had my spends for the year and now intend to recoup my outlay as well as create my Medium Interviews project into a final item so that it will no longer hang around my neck. 

Pre weekend.

I got home from relatively short overtime and watched ten minutes of Paranormal Asylum and three minutes of Mrs Brown Rides Again Live before ejecting them and wanting to snap the discs up. Utter garbage. 

Instead I played Minecraft and was over joyed to finally find my way to the Ender Dragon. That was satisfying. 

I ended up reading in bed shortly after. Sleep soon overcame me. 

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I woke up with that Friday feeling or rather the feeling that it was Friday- which it was. 

I'm glad to be alive today. Actually I am everyday but I think I'm more appreciative of it today as people in my  vicinity lose loved ones.  

It's valentines day today. I refuse to say anything bad about that so let's move on. 

A full and enjoyable weekend lies ahead of me with my son, stepson and friends. Shame the weather is so rubbish. I'll tell you about it next. 

Facebook video

Cancer, illness and death seems to be around every corner at the moment. None of it is in my personal space but I'm seeing surrounding people in my life as well as in the news at the moment, having to deal with bad news. I want to put all that out if my head but this shadow is leaning over me. It makes me appreciate what I have but clouds things also. 

I'm working over once again and gathering money to repay my ps4 purchase. I'm happy in myself but fighting being introspective. Facebook showed me my last three years in a short compilation video and 99% of it was my son which is accurate. I was actually on Facebook long before but I changed my name to a comedy false moniker when I was at the end of my marriage and this only chapters when I changed once again to the real me.  

Growing old at different speeds

I have been and bought a PS4 since it was my every consuming thought. Now I can move on with my life. I had a good go on it this weekend but still played hours on Minecraft xbox 360. I did no writing work and sort of felt guilty about that. I'll do it during the week instead. Monday has been ok so far. 

I'm going bowling tonight with my step daughter. 

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My son entertained his mum and I as he read out his karate promise excellently. Then explained what a 'split digraph' was. 

My step daughter went for two games of bowling where I beat her both times even though she had the bumpers up. Luck. 

She impressed me with her already mature outlook on life. She just wants to spend her short time on earth being happy in herself. I thought 'she's cracked it already!' These next twelve years will feature most of her 'living her life' before she finds her own little hobbit hole to live out her existence. Everyone is growing old. 

It doesn't always feel like at the same speed though. 

Tiredness / in memory...

My eyes are tired after another 14 hour day. I trawl the internet for PS4 deals in the hope of seeing something that convinces me to rush out and buy one today. Instead I bought PS3 version of the 'Lego Movie' game. I have much to do as regards hobbies etc but watching Minecraft videos seems to be the inky thing I successfully squeeze in before bed. I've just seen a group of friends post about their mate who died from cancer recently and he was younger then me. To see a picture of him with his three kids has truly heartbroken me. For the sake of his memory and that of his kids, I will try and live a better happier existence. 

 My boy had his first karate lesson tonight and his mum told me he loved it. I've been asked to help out with the funds for his lessons as they are £65 per month. Very expensive, but I doubt it will last forever. It's what you do for your kids isn't it? 

It's unlike me to have Lovefilm discs laying about for more than two days but after last years film marathon I'm just doing other bits. Or rather I would be if I wasn't doing overtime. But I'm back enjoying it and I'm not complaining. 

Self published possibilities

After making good headway with my Medium Interviews project, I asked my boss for a price on printing a digital printed run of it once I put it into pagination form. It suddenly became a real consideration that I may hold a book which I'd written in my own hand. I was buoyed up by that idea all day and just wanted to get home and work on it but it was a late one at work. There's no time limit I guess but I'm excited about this thing being realised. This would be another ambition acheived...to have written a book. I believe it qualifies. Also when I see how easy it is to self publish my own work, I may be spurned on to do something else written. 

Karate is so 80's

I had a call last night from my sons mum telling me he is starting Karate lessons soon. I was dreading it being in time I usually had him and that she was going to say I'd see him less. But his lessons are a day I don't see him although I heard her theme tune down the phone.."can you get him to bed earlier because everything he's been at yours he's knackered". 

I was also told that his name is down for swimming lessons and thus may encroach on my end time with him at the weekends. Upon after thought, I've realised I could offer to take him there and in effect have him longer. Plus swimming won't be forever and neither will karate. Karate is so 80's. 

I did get asked to help towards buying kit etc and that's not a problem. I think taking your kids to clubs is a huge part of parenting. It's often against your will too but it's time with them. I quite relish the idea of sharing these interest with him and so If I take him it will be remembered as our time. I freaked out a little bit initially when I thought "I knew he would one day put hobbies and friends ahead of me but not as soon as he was 5". 

I think embracing it is the answer. 

Tuesday February 4th

It was a strange feeling last night having left work and had tea with my son, only to then take him home and find myself on my way back to work for a second time. It was a painless necessity but strange. I got home and crawled into bed and forced myself through 50 pages of reading rather than watching Pain And Gain in its entirety. 

This morning I start a long day which will stretch into overtime. Money money money. I brought milk to work without realising that I'd run out of cereal.   Think it may be cheese and crackers at 10am. 

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My day went quickly even though I stayed at work until 9pm. That's 14 hours work. I crawled into bed after visiting Asda and managed one Minecraft video before sleep. 

Live

As with Paul Walker and Lou Reeds death, waking up hearing Phillip Seymour Hoffman is no longer alive was a sobering affair and made getting out of bed easier knowing today could be my last. 

There is nothing in my life to grumble about. 

We all die so we must all LIVE. 

Sunday morning becomes Sunday night.

Last night after my son had returned home I had settled down to watch Inglorious Basterds for only the second time. I enjoyed it more on this occasion and after that went about working my way through the ps3 games on my downloaded list to see if any were good. In the end I deleted all but minecraft! even going so far as to download the full game of it, even though I have it on xbox 360 already. As much as I was ready to go to bed fully tired. Minecraft managed to squeeze two more hours out of me until I had to retire for the evening. 

8am was when I looked at the clock again. My intention had been to lose three hours in bed watching Gangs Of New York as a start to a lazy day. But instead I made a cup of tea and read 50 pages of Shaun Hutson's Death Day in the hope that the first half of Sunday would see me do some of the writing bits I keep putting off instead. 

I have some reviewing to do from visit 4 to The Picture House and our brief visit to Utley Rugby Club last week. If I don't at least get the notes done then I will deeply regret it. 

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I worked on my Medium Interviews project plus watched video footage of PPS investigation. I watched most of Gangs Of New York followed by setting off to a local cafe over the duck pond at the end of my street, only to find it closed. So I settled into Minecraft on xbox fully knowing that hours would be swallowed. Next up I decided to catch up on ARROW series 1. It's been a productive day all round in my view today and I still seem to be doing a little part of bits and bats. I'm loving this feeling of my own time being my own to fill with my interests, it simply doesn't get old. 

10:10pm now and I'm in bed doing a little Empire reading and writing this obviously. Having still found I had a few hours relaxation left I hit Minecraft hard again building and tunneling for ages. This was prompted from watching Vikkstar123's 23 rd episode of his minecraft series on YouTube. The game is so addictive. 

I have so many different things to keep me occupied that is damn near impossible to fully get on top of everything each month. Keeping busy is the key though, it makes me see that I've done something with my time. I had amazing news last week at work. The large customer who has made us so damn busy has a job I've been printing which will now be getting farmed out to a printer friend of ours meaning I don't have to keep doing it on my press. I'm overjoyed. Maybe now I can concentrate better on the other jobs which need my attention. As well as daydreaming, as daydreaming is a big part of my working life too. Well it's nearly time to lie down and sleep. I guess I should brave myself for overtime this week as ever if I want to have bonus cash in March paycheck. I'm enjoying eating out or buying treats for my son and I on a weekly basis. It doesn't hurt the credit card either. 

Well, goodnight.