Another re calibration

As much as I see myself as reborn somewhat by the end of my marriage and my relocation to Silsden in 2011, I think surrounding people don't see it. After the judgement from a customer on Friday whilst delivering, I still feel hurt by the matter. It is a constants voice in replay in my head every few moments and I answer back in different ways but non of it does any good. I am seen as moody person even when I am just staying quiet and out of the way. 

It seems steps must be taken to be happier on the outside, to lift the shutters, if you will, so that I shine my inner peace to others. 

As much as the situation bothered me deeply, I have to take my own advice and look forward to the things which I can alter and not back at things I can't. I can't time travel back to Friday and let them be the miserable cunts alone. 

I must defend myself with a shield of positivity and let their negative actions be of no consequence. 

Today I've watched OITNBlack and 'The Soloist'. It inspired me to write a little but as I tidied up I found loads of blank pads and saw It would be of no help to go and buy another new writing book no matter how cheap. 

I also woke with the idea to paint and yet by midday I've kinda lost the belief in myself. 

I think I'm too hurt to paint. This will fade as all things do. 

This afternoon I'm taking my stepson to Cobbles And Clay where we can drink coffee and chat as she paints something. 

I have seen how difficult I am and I think that's what bothers me. I've always known it and hated it but to see it again afresh is a slap in the face. 

I just need to do things as and when I need to do them. Sometimes silence, sometimes specific things. 

I'm trying to simplify my life from July as I turn 40. To use what I have and not yearn for new stuff so often. I have so very much that I shouldn't need another thing. There's water in the tap and a selection of things to cook. 

I have much much more than most. 

I guess I'm going back to square one and learning from the many lessons once more. 

It's all plate spinning as I balance the important things around me. I'm not invisible- I affect the things around me whether I want to or not. 

I will try to shine even if it's just a dull glimmer.