A lovely time with my son playing together and making masks led onto an evening where the cinema times didn't match my plans. This was fine though and although i deliberated going to the gym to do cardio, I in fact cracked on with films and TV followed by Destiny gaming. It's always bitter sweet once my boy's gone home. I miss him immediately but take heart from the knowledge that he wouldn't want that. I know it's only a day and a half until I see him again. I often have to check my thoughts and remind myself that many dads have to wait until the next weekend.
I also have to acknowledge the fact that I am selfish at heart and need time just for me.
This is why the current breakdown of time works forms so well. But it doesn't lessen the guilt, especially when he himself says he doesn't want to go to his mums again.
When I feel like this I usually ask to have him two nights in a row.
I went to the gym this morning and pushed it as far as I could. I'm giving it my all and eating like a horse. It takes so much effort to change your body, it's staggering really. I went to visit my grandma and she described her skin as being like paper and told me 'not to get old'. This was because she'd taken a plaster off only to rip good skin off with it. This was on top of the story of her older sister who now doesn't recognise my gran when she sees her. Her sister talks about invisible animals in the room amongst other nonsense. The only way to avoid getting old is to die before it and I plan on avoiding that. If I can watch films then I'm still good.
It's made me desire even more than I try, to enjoy time with my young son whilst innocence still shines from him untainted by the darkness of the world. He is already a better version of me and I dread the corruption of his character by others hurting him. Although isn't that the only way which our soul learns skills and therefore progresses?
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