Another 3AM silence

3am. The dead silence of the world outside makes it hard to believe that a single person is awake somewhere on the planet. After waking up from a dream about bombs going off in a town centre, my thoughts turned to tonight's drum lesson with my step son. Over the past month I've become surplus to requirement as we don our linked headphones and I basically just watch him bash out along to new songs he's taught himself. We agreed to have the lessons be fortnightly from now on which will probably stop completely before the years finished. It makes me proud to watch him drum along to songs with the thought that I've in a large way made that possible. The thing I will miss is just the spending time with him and my son in the garage for 45 minutes but I gather there could be another way to spend time together if we thought about it. 

My evening promise to turn off the tv fell flat because of the news that GTA 5 ONLINE was coming and after watching the trailer for the multiplayer, I just had to go on it. So I got 90 minutes playing in before bed. I set these rules for myself and when I break them I have to pinch myself thinking "nobody actually cares what you are doing, you've set these rules for yourself and you're not actually letting anyone down!" So there. 

I feel like I'm standing still and the world is whizzing around me with each person busy in their own hyper reality. Ever since I opted out of living the lie which life's charade is, I notice the separation although it's not really a bad thing. 

Spinning the weeks plates

A fresh week. Monday. No plans as such to interfere with exactly what I want to do. Which plates have I spun the least recently? Well my reading needs to be done for one thing and I've not started our last ghost investigation review or write up. And as for my Medium Interview article, well it's gathering dust. I feel the most bad about that so I guess that becomes the top of the to do list for this week. I have to be mindful of getting my film a day watched too or I'll get too far behind. 

Tonight then I'll have a tv off evening and I'll do a little writing and reading. That's how I roll. 

Slob day

I had promised myself a lazy Sunday for some time now and this weekend I certainly had that. I awoke at 6:41am and by 7 I was watching Educating Yorkshire on the ipad followed by The IT Crowd. I got up around 10 but rather than shower away the evenings grime from my sleep I just pulled my dressing gown on and shuffled downstairs. I grabbed a cuppa and breakfast whilst watching Agents Of SHEILD. Then my GTA 5 session lasted about three hours until I took a break to watch Eastbound And Down 3. It was well into the afternoon now and I still festered in my own sweat. I did manage to brush my teeth but the curtains stayed shut all day. I played Minecraft for three hours whilst listening to podcasts and grabbing some dinner. I was now on top of things more so I chose to go back on GTA 5 for a few more hours. Then as the evening started to creep to a close I watched some more of The Killing. At 10pm I slipped off my dressing gown and laid in my double water bottled bed. 

What a blissful day and tv wise, was a productive day. 

I haven't missed a wash/shower or getting dressed at some point for over 15 years! 

I awoke this morning and had a shower which has left me feeling so very clean and refreshed that today should feel a breeze. A quiet day at work beckons with a couple of workmates off so I still feel relaxed. It was just the tonic I needed. 

Reincarnation

Reincarnation is a concept that's keeping me awake at night at the moment. I grew up frowning at the idea but I'm starting to see its use in being an explanation for our struggles here on earth.  

If you entertain the idea at all, I suggest watching Cloud Atlas which is a recent film about how our souls replay the same decisions throughout lifetimes until we learn a valuable lesson and change our spiritual course. 

Whilst watching the channel 4 programme Educating Yorkshire we meet Ryan age 12 who everyone describes as an old head on young shoulders. His soul is wise beyond his apparent years. 

Whilst playing computer games I respawn my character after making the same mistakes until I eventually do that tricky part the correct way and I'm able to progress. 

There are many cases of even young children in one country describing a village in a country which they have seemingly never been to, exactly. In the cases where these villages are visited later, it is found that the child's explanations are exact in the details. 

Some people are known to be able to speak patches of other languages despite having never learnt them. 

I should credit Sue Rhodes with saying the expression Soul Mates pertains to souls sometimes entwined in a special way as opposed to how we often immediately see other strangers as someone we dislike without knowing them. After speaking to many mediums too, the idea of spiritual growth seems to be of the most importance. 

As I've mentioned before, my own personality seems fixed a certain way since birth rather than changing through experience as I've grown up. I simply don't need people in my life, they feel surplus to requirement. Maybe I have been very social for many lifetimes and now need to concentrate on growing inside myself in some way. My life has been extremely 'soul searching' in the extreme as if this time on earth has been only about learning how to become a happy person (which my sons birth has proven to me so much about myself which I thought wasn't possible). 

So I'm starting to see whatever hand we are dealt as being just one shuffled deck of cards (our life's circumstances), as just one lesson to be passed. Maybe there's only a tiny speck of truth in this idea but it's another piece of the jigsaw which is making living a little easier. 

Feel free to chip in ideas for or against this view. Everyone's journey or lesson is different anyway. 

Bedroom tv

When I finally got home yesterday I sat down on GTA 5 for maybe three hours until I'd acquired a new Safehouse up in the posh hills of Vinewood. After totalling 20 hours or so play in four days I felt the itch had started to feel scratched and I could step away a little now. So I put on Minecraft due to a promise to my son that of build a portal to take us to The Nether. That only took 40 minutes which was cool. 

I decided at 9pm that I would go start my old laptop up and see if I could burn a disc of something I needed. This old beast always takes an age to start up but this time it wouldn't perform my request of burning. I half expected this to happen and so I'd put Eastbound And Down series 3 on in the bedroom as I fiddled with laptop. I really enjoy watching Kenny Powers and Stevie. 

I enjoyed watching tv in my bedroom and I've not been giving that tv as much of a run as when I first got it. 

I need to catch up with reading my book too so I can move on to the next one which I may like better. It's all constantly spinning plates.

I wouldn't get half of this stuff done if I was in a relationship. 

The weekend is here as of this afternoon and I'm looking forward to it. My life has no shitty bits currently and I'm very happy about that.  

Private Island

The end of September 2013 finds me in good spirits and very much back into gaming on the PS3 and XBox 360. A new dawn of game machines approaches and the world coppers up wondering when they will get to upgrade to PS4 or stupidly named X Box ONE. 

In other news, my sisters wedding is nearly here. I wish her well but know that the chance of it working as well as she deserves and for as long as she lives, is remote because people change, especially from 20-35. But we all make our own mistakes. 

My Christmas present buying doesn't present a problem this year as I have it mostly planned out already. So I feel everything is plain sailing into 2013. The school run went good this morning as it does every week but today it segued into delivering for work which meant a good podcast window for me. When I get home this evening I'm gaming on GTA V and Minecraft and films have had to take a back seat for a week or so. I'm thoroughly happy in my own world although work's a little slow. So I'm enjoying my place in the universe right here right now and I'm not letting tiredness interrupt. 

I hope you can find your own private island too. 

Currently all is well

I've entered a world of GTA 5 and Minecraft, which will be joined by Call Of a duty: Ghosts later. I simply don't need others to entertain me. I'm happily contained in my own company with the doors locked and the curtains drawn. 

So all productivity has drawn to a halt. 

I led myself to a Scientology site yesterday and from what information isn't under lock and key, it looked pretty interesting. I mentioned it in PPS Facebook site and then became worried I may have started a religious argument but I hadn't, yet. 

So as of today I'd like to report that things are going pleasantly and I am most unaware of any crisis slowly approaching which are mentioned in future blogs. I'm trying to be appreciative of things. 

Tonight I have a close friend visiting which I'm looking forward to as I hardly see him these days. 

Life In A Shaving Mirror

I remember every bath I would have as a kid would involve me putting bubbles on my chin while looking in the mirror and using a plastic cup to either scrape off the bubbles or just pour water on my face with. I'd imagine my shaving as if I was a grown up. 

Later I would see my face slowly turn adult and hear people say they hated having to shave or they still didn't have hair grow in all the right areas as adults. I didn't suffer either of those things. But I do remember thinking my face looked a sickly grey colour. I wasn't eating properly in my early to mid twenties and it showed. A decade later and the face staring back at me was looking for the first signs of greyness creeping into my heads sides. It wasn't long before there were more and more single 'blond looking ones'. 

Looking in a mirror today at 39 years of age I see my slowly ageing face have to be moisturised and cleanly shaven to have any hope of looking happily back at myself. 

Still, at least I have a face. 

Games

Our 3rd visit to a local cinema with PPS gave us interesting results as we did a ouija board in the cellar. A dwarf from a theatre production came through as did her husband who treat her badly. It sounds laughable but there you go. I will probably post the write up on here. 

After that though, I decided to go to Asda to buy GTA5 which came out the midnight before. All that was left was the cardboard stand where they had been. Lets be honest, I never finished GTA4 and had loudly proclaimed people queuing up on day one as idiots."I can wait, if I get it at all!"

And then I saw a live stream of people playing it and the detail of the thing made me want it. Battle as I did with the thought that I needed new clothes more urgently, I lost out to the desire for the game. So now I wait for restock, convincing myself of the saving I've made by not getting it but by mocking myself for wanting it more. 

I'll not make the same mistake with call of duty ghosts. 

In the meantime I will try and finish GTA4 but I'm concerned I will only turn my nose up at it. 

Achieve or not?

Do you ever wonder if you'll ever achieve anything? Having a child is my best achievement and will always be , but I mean on a smaller scale. 

If watching many many films was an accomplishment which people regarded favourably, I'd be satisfied but I fear they don't count that. 

I'm stumbling through life with a frown as I fight through the tide of modern society in the streets. Internally I'm really happy but most of what exists outside of my head grates me generally. 

So if being a good, friendly, sociable person is looked on as an achievement then I'm outta luck. I always feel I should be doing something more worthwhile but I don't know what that would be. 

Sister writer

My sister sent me a couple of chapters which she'd wrote after enjoying the film The Great Gatsby. I'd heard it was surprisingly well written and when I read it, I too was impressed and then annoyed at myself for not being able to manage such prose. 

She did need some promoting with how the story would progress which I helped a little with but her word selection and ordering thereof was great. I get the feeling that she, like me, will forgo the 'rewriting' though which is a mistake. 

I'm hoping to visit the cinema to see a film today before I investigate the building's cellar straight after with the team. Two birds, one stone. 

The weekend gone

My weekend played out fine. My son and I spent Friday to Saturday playing make believe and gaming. Then Saturday night I led a ghost event at work for a handful of Facebook followers I know. I was glad when it was done and out if the way I must admit. Then on Sunday I went to watch Percy Jackson 2 which I thought was fine but couldn't make out what age group it was aimed at. I then went to my Aunt's for lunch to drop off her story and my notes on it before getting back to the cinema to watch Rush with my friend. But he'd forgotten our arrangement and so I enjoyed it alone. While I waited to go in I heard a young girl say to her equally idiotic boyfriend "you'd feel we'll sad coming to the cinema on your own wouldn't you" 

No, is the answer. I don't actually think it was aimed at me because It looked as though I was waiting for someone at that time-which I was

I headed home for tea and no sooner had I thought 'right its time to do something else other than stare at a screen', I found myself watching The Killing on Netflix and playing Minecraft until bedtime. 

I enjoyed it.   

Weds night

I finally received my copy of Minecraft for Xbox last night. I'd expected a disc but it turned out to be a digital copy from a polish guy which I didn't really understand. In the end I had it finally. I turned it on in the knowledge that my evening was now written off. Sure enough, the next move I made in the real world was to go to bed. 

I awoke at 3:41am and thought of getting up to play it for a bit but opted instead for watching film trailers on IMDB. 

The working day a few hours later was a steady one with no stress. Tonight I imagine two player Minecraft with my son will swallow our waking hours together. 

Bad back

I awoke and did my usual in bed stretching by bringing my knees up to my chest and squeezing them tighter towards me. No problems so far. But by 11am I felt an annoying tightness start followed by a throbbing as I stood quite still. I let out an audible Ouch and dare not move for nearly two minutes. Being at work I felt no option but to work through it. I wanted to lie flat on the floor but was not in the surroundings to do that. I had done a hell of a lot of sitting yesterday after my two hour walk but was that to blame or was the over stretching? Either way, exercise has hurt me. I vowed never to do anything to try remain supple as this is the third time out if three that I e almost crippled my body in pursuit of health. As long as I can stand for work, sit for driving and lie in bed, I'm fine. 

My body rejects anything else. 

Weekly recalibration

I surprised myself by having slept in until 9am. I sat up in bed and for some reason started working on another bit of music to put on my soundcloud. Once I was up and showered, I surprised myself by donning my earphones and setting off on a two hour walk along the canal. I'd been sat playing Minecraft for an hour or so and I realised that I was in a lazy mood because I was somewhat tired. Then I remembered that I'd been on the walk and it had knackered me. 

I've read and walked and played and done all sorts of bits....anything but actually what I was supposed to do, which was write. There's still time but so far...I just haven't. I'm considering going to the cinema later...but again ...I thought I'd made it so I didn't need to today by going to a double bill on Thursday. 

Ok it's 20:18pm on this Sunday night and I didn't go to the cinema in the end which I'm glad about. I watched Breaking Bad series 3 to the end which gave me a sense of triumph as finishing a series always does. I thought I has six episodes left of The Office US but there was actually eight to go so I left that alone. Having time left to fill before bed I could no longer avoid sitting down to write my dragon story. I'd exhausted all other avenues and naturally, now, I feel good about having thrown a thousand words down for that. My things for tomorrow are all laid out ready. My walk has still got me feeling lazy as hell but good about myself for also having done it. The light outside my shutter has faded to black now. I'm lit by the small lamp at my living room writing table. The only company I have is the clicking of typing and since I'm using the IPad, the clicking is a digital representation anyway. The silence of living alone is always a bitter sweet sound. I find myself stopping as I walk around my home and wondering what other families are doing as they bustle around each other in their shared homes. I wonder what my son is up to. That's usually when I stop thinking. 'I saw him yesterday and i'll see him tomorrow' a voice reassures me. I see my own son a lot more than many other fathers see their kids. I'm lucky that my time is split 50/50. The knowledge that kids stop having their parents around soon after thirteen is something I cling to to make myself feel better. When I see my boy I give him all my attention which makes up for when I don't see him. He has no problem with it so I should be cool with that. 

I recalibrate  on these quiet Sunday evenings. What will the following week bring and how do I keep strong internally? Organisation and time management is what I find works for me which is why I hate surprises or the unexpected. Surprises are fine if they are planned in advance!

And to think my ex accused me of not being spontaneous. "Spontaneous is just another way of saying disorganised' I remember replying. 

Probably just one of the contributing conversations to making me single again. I watched Spock on Star Trek Into Darkness yesterday and recognised his robotic emotional interplay with his captain and his girlfriend. It felt like a mirror. 

However, I'm not here to wax lyrical about that aspect of me. Not today. 

I guess I shall allocate half an hour to reading and then perhaps a film to round off the day. 

I bid you all a good coming week. 

Justify

Late nights seem to be in of late, followed by chasing coffees through the day and then an early night. The house is quiet but for the tapping noise which my writing app makes as I strike the keys on my IPad. I had a thought today, as I listened to a podcast mention a mother reading her son the storybooks of Star Wars before he'd seen the actual films. The speaker referred to a memory of this which was retold now that he was in his thirties. Just a simple memory retold....but deeply engrained and personal to the speaker. 

I considered how my son would have tales to tell of memories of our time together which would be offered during future conversations where he recounts his youth. It was only yesterday that my son said "I know how you feel about me Dad and i'll never forget it". It seemed poignant at the time, but more so as I write it out. I feel comfort reselling him how I feel each time I see him and hearing him tell me he's heard and understands. 

Does my life before his existence really have any weight or meaning? It doesn't seem to. My life is quantified by the things I do for for myself each day but rather how my 'doings' will be retold after the fact. That will give them more weight. If my son expresses that he felt like the single most important thing in the universe to me, then I'd done my job. Everything else is trivial. 

That area which is 'the rest of my time alone' is the area which I've been in for the rest of tonight since he went home again. I feel torn about it. A bit of guilt for not being around him 100% but also guilty for knowing that I also love my time alone to concentrate on myself and what I want to do. 

I've done an awful lot of sitting today which parts of my body have made me notice. I can see that for others, I'm boring to be around possibly. But to be in me, doing those things, it's bliss. 

Now it's time to sleep. 

Goodnight my son, I love you. 

Retro gaming

A wet and grey weekend ahead but not one which will dampen our enjoyment of it. No real plans other than having a quiet one really. 

I'm happy to be left very much alone at the moment. Any outside world interference is snarled at as an interruption to my enjoyment. 

Internally, I feel good and positive. 

When my son and I arrived home I ended up buying both Sonic The Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot originals but on the PS3. It's such a muscle memory that I have with these games that I can almost play them blindfolded. We had a good play and then watched The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe which he really liked. 

He went to bed as amazingly obedient as ever. He's so wonderful. 

  

Where've I been?

Minecraft. That mostly where I've been hiding. I've done two paranormal investigations at The Picture House and have the second write up to do for that. I've seen a few cinema releases which has got me back on track with that pastime. A quiet weekend pretty much until another investigation near Beckfoot school. My reading has slipped a little this week and so I may redress that tonight along with a few other 'bits' before Riddick at the cinema. 

Well I went to see Riddick and then entered About Time, the new Richard Curtis film. Hmm, ok but it's the beautiful girlfriends I have trouble with. If only life really did deal such a good hand. This morning is dark and wet. Quite a surprise I must say. 

Sunday cleaning inspirations

I'm not sure entirely what made me clean the bathroom with such vigour this morning. But I suspect it may have been a single seen from last nights 'Jesse and Celeste forever' as Celeste sat in her bedroom with a mac on her lap surrounded by plush girly cushions and lamps. I remember distinctly thinking that it feels good to have cleaned properly and then be able to sit amongst the freshly wiped surroundings and read. I'm a great believer in the thought that if you surround your self with clutter, your mind becomes cluttered. Whereas if you surround yourself with an ordered environment, you feel in control. While I do believe this wholeheartedly, I don't necessarily act upon the notion with just living on my own. My choice is to wipe the dust away every so often and vacuum but get the cleaning products out, bleach and all, infrequently. 

I opened one eye at 8:41am this morning and used the loo which meant that by 9:02am I had bleached the whole bathroom. This led to a tidying of the kitchen and lounge and then a run around with the vacuum. Sure enough, I feel better for it. I sit, IPad on lap as I listen to the church bells chime 10:15am through my open window. I've done my allocated reading for the day. I gave thought to purchasing new throws and cushions this morning but a louder voice said leave it a month until your large overtime payment lands. 

I pat myself on the back for having this louder voice and secondly for listening to it. I know that I must cook roast veg and sausage for the weeks dinners today and at the same time make sausage and mash for my sons tea tomorrow too. I think the day will be rounded off with written work either on my aunts book or my Medium Interviews work (which is staring to irritate me as to its not having been done yet- which as I write that I know must take priority as the louder voice tells me so). Even this act of writing my blog is also actually ticking off my writing practice for the day. 

I keep deliberating not going to the cinema for a double bill in the middle if my day but then it's what I enjoy the most since I've had a spell of not watching so much. My Sky has been unplugged since July and so I've not watched TV (other than via Netflix) for weeks. 

Anyway i'll speak to you later. 

Routine resumed.

I awoke on this Saturday morning and resisted reaching over and playing Minecraft. Things really are that obsessive at the moment. My son stirred and joined me for Ipad in bed around 8am. We had our breakfast and headed to town to take care of a little business for me and then called at the toy shop for him and bought a golden plastic sword. These things continue to please kids even in the age of such technology as iPods. Even as we ventured to Cliffe Castle's new play area and around the grounds, a stick became the new focal point of our play. Imagination is such a great gift. Our midday was put aside to play Xbox and Ipad games between watching a film two. 

My last part of the day led me unsurprisingly to the cinema to watch 'You're Next'. I sat tired, even after consuming two coffees at home. I liked the film and walked out if the darkness back into the light of the afternoon. I could taste the town starting to get woken up for the evening. A group of asian people were loudly shouting at each other as I walked to the van with my headphones on. Just another way to block out the world; a glassy shield against reality between hiding my mind in books or films or just daydreaming. 

I cleaned up a little as my tea cooked and settled down to watch a film and ended up with 'On The Road'. I followed this film with 'Jesse and Celeste forever' which I enjoyed much more. As midnight drew close I decided I'd hit the hay.