Justify

Late nights seem to be in of late, followed by chasing coffees through the day and then an early night. The house is quiet but for the tapping noise which my writing app makes as I strike the keys on my IPad. I had a thought today, as I listened to a podcast mention a mother reading her son the storybooks of Star Wars before he'd seen the actual films. The speaker referred to a memory of this which was retold now that he was in his thirties. Just a simple memory retold....but deeply engrained and personal to the speaker. 

I considered how my son would have tales to tell of memories of our time together which would be offered during future conversations where he recounts his youth. It was only yesterday that my son said "I know how you feel about me Dad and i'll never forget it". It seemed poignant at the time, but more so as I write it out. I feel comfort reselling him how I feel each time I see him and hearing him tell me he's heard and understands. 

Does my life before his existence really have any weight or meaning? It doesn't seem to. My life is quantified by the things I do for for myself each day but rather how my 'doings' will be retold after the fact. That will give them more weight. If my son expresses that he felt like the single most important thing in the universe to me, then I'd done my job. Everything else is trivial. 

That area which is 'the rest of my time alone' is the area which I've been in for the rest of tonight since he went home again. I feel torn about it. A bit of guilt for not being around him 100% but also guilty for knowing that I also love my time alone to concentrate on myself and what I want to do. 

I've done an awful lot of sitting today which parts of my body have made me notice. I can see that for others, I'm boring to be around possibly. But to be in me, doing those things, it's bliss. 

Now it's time to sleep. 

Goodnight my son, I love you.