Nights anxiety.

Every once in a while I get these evenings where I wake at 3am. Here's the latest one. Having worked all Sunday, had a busy day with the kids after work on Monday, worked 14 hours Tuesday, had my son which led to a school run and then more overtime on a stressful job, I've found this week to be one of being at full throttle. Add to this that I am one day away from my sisters wedding which I find a daunting prospect to sort out my son, my self and my step kids for. My head is full of wondering how things are going to go. I finished GTA 5 last night, which if anything, was an anticlimax. Our ghost team seems to have run out of steam at the moment as our team leaders passion seems to have evaporated. It's a tiring time for all as summer ends and the dark, wet English autumn takes hold. My personal bubble remains intact which reminds me of a line I heard in 'The Iceman' last night. Chris Evans's character said "I only feel alone around other people" which sums me up wonderfully and so makes the wedding day seem like a very lonely proposition. 

I think once next week is upon me I will feel some relief. Christmas isn't a concern I'm very happy to say. 

I feel omnipresent at work having worked so many hours overtime this year and it's been greatly rewarding financially but hard on my mind mentally. I don't take my holidays currently in favour of the cash and it means I never get a really good rest for a few days. But I'm not complaining , it is as I choose. Just saying I'm a bit dazed. 

I also think this wedding has sparked up thoughts of my own and it's always with a tinge of regret that it faded the way it did. My son remains a constant joy and pillar of strength for me and I must congratulate myself on still not drinking nearly two and a half years on. I'm at my strongest, I believe. I've also rediscovered music this year after keeping it at a distance for 18 months for fear of it leading to bad thoughts or sadness. 

But Eminem's new single Rap God for example, has lit the fire in my belly once more and I feel alive again. Bands like Losers and others have injected some much needed passion into me. Passion for life that is, not for women, as women are destroyers of living. I should say partners of either sex really as I don't mean women only. So it would be better to say 'relationships'. We got there in the end eh? Maybe I should try sleep some more. 

03:23 am.