I am on a pub crawl of sorts. My new area of Silsden has a smattering of pubs which I am curious about seeing the insides of. On my journey if the moment is right, I shall present my OI business card to. My first stop 'The Robin Hood', has a roaring fire and a claim of free WiFi in the window. A young lad made me paranoid at the bar, coming back from the toilet and giving me a sneaky glance and then making a phone call and going outside. As I write this it sounds like an unsubstantiated claim of possible aggro, but I am in the one pub I have been warned about. I am a new face in these pubs and it feels like it.
The language is questionable in here. Snippits include "Spunk on the bonnet and pubes in the doorhandles", and I am not joking when I say that it was said loudly by the barmaid. I have used the free WiFi and exhausted my updates. I really miss it at home. I had a message say I have an 8 day wait for broadband at home. 

Wow, pub number 2, 'The Red Lion' is like a waiting room for death. No music or heating. Three men pissed talking about nothing. They are slagging off the pub that I've been to previously and one further on which is also a wasteland. The men continue to talk about the demise of this pub as the strong smell of disinfectant fills my nostrils and makes my stomach swirl. Apparently "this is a real pub" said one of the men. 

I got up after two sips of watery beer and arose during their talk to put my pint on the bar and say "that pint's horrible" and then leave after putting it on the bar. That pub will not be around for long. Although it may be down to my taste buds as it was just regular John Smiths and not extra smooth. But to he'll with it, those old moaning fools needed my bombshell to shut them up talking about what a great pub it was. That was worth wasting three quid. 
Now I am in 'The Punch Bowl', which I have been in before and it's a nice atmosphere and there's music and tv on.
Ohh, awkward, I just saw a man turn and do an overall wave at the bar area saying "see you later" and nobody responding. I had a sense that the batman could have responded but chose not to bother. There seems to be a noticeable  honesty to these pubs where everyone is ok to your face but as soon as a person leaves, what follows is a truthful tear apart of their character.

In the 'Kings Arms' now to find a jovial fivesome halfcut and having fun. It's a breath of fresh air. Just as I thought, this is my favourite pub in Silsden. Ofcourse the free WiFi helps. 
Listening to this conversation is fascinating. A very posh crowd talking about servants living in their top floor. A posh clientele with their guard left down due to alcohol. It seems everyone is the same, we like to get pissed to forget the pain sometimes and in the morning we focus on a different pain(hangover). 
There's a surprising amount of cackling from these posh ladies which I find quite refreshing. 
I wondered what it meant by 'Open Mic' as I entered this pub. It would appear that it means you can turn up and do anything and noone can do a thing about it. I can hear cover versions being done by White haired Status Quo. The posh totty in the corner are enjoying it purely as they are inebriated. Ok, I'm off to my home now without the Internet. I will bore you later. 

I feel like my separation from my marriage has been a re birth, a big bang or near death experience. One which will take a long time to fade. But, that said, I intend the rest of my time to hold no surprises. I want the same day to replay itself over and over. Nothing else to rock the still waters of my life. I am still fragile from it. Even after a life saving operation, the body is still sore and the pain of the process is still real. This is an observation without any melancholy to go with it. I am sat here quite happily watching 'The Social Network. 

Tiredness has put me to bed at ten pm to watch another episode of 'Spaced'. Great programme. Earlier a girl knocked on my door about monthly payments towards deaf and blind families. She left with my business card and an invite on a ghost hunt. She seemed interested in that sort of thing. Hopefully it's another addition to our website. 
A long day with my son and over night too from tomorrow followed by a days resting. Then an investigation on Saturday night.

Most of today I have edited my last investigation footage. I had already identified words by overlaying the text but once I trimmed some footage out, the text was in the wrong places. 
Still, the disc is currently burning in the background with a time scale of 303 minutes to complete. I pray it will actually play on something. I have all the components to play my laptop through my tv but for some reason I can't actually get it to work. 
Roll on the Internet connection at my house. 
I read today during the day which was one of the images that I had in my head at the start of the separation idea. It's great having time to indulge as well as have my son thoroughly. It seems to be best for all. The first half of tomorrow contains going to the park with my son and I'm free for the latter half. Today I brought four toy boxes to mine that I had refused to throw out as my step kids became pre teens. I knew I would have a kid who would play with this stuff. He has loads of toys now and it's his birthday in soon.  

After a night out in Leeds with a friend, I awoke with a headache which I refused to embrace. So I stayed in bed until it had been extinguished. Two friends drove over to see me in my new abode. It was nice to not have plans for a change. We ended up in The Kings Pub up the road which I had been in before but hadn't realised that it was bigger than I at first thought and it also had free WiFi. After that I used my slow cooker for the first time. As I stood chopping up the veg, I felt like I was finally living my new life. I like it here I found myself thinking. Sky tv had helped and the Internet will also cement my pleasure for a while. I did speak of moving in the future though, closer to my son. I watched tv and two films which I thoroughly enjoyed without interruption. I am not seeing my lad until teatime so I will edit more ghost footage tomorrow.

Awaiting internet at home.

I find myself at work awaiting my breaks being mended. I noticed that when i used the breaks there was a scraping metal noise and i guessed that my breaks were down to metal. I was right.
I had been convinced that i had grit in them and hoped it would fall out but it didn't. Because i drive my son around i detoured to sort it once i was worried. I literally have been 'grinding to a halt'.
Luckily i have no travel plans above collecting and dropping off my son. No internet as of yet at home annoyingly.

I find myself at The Big Blue Frog with my son and free WIFI. My boy finds a ball to happily play with and when thrown other children pounce on it. Luckily my boy takes it in his stride, but I feel a protective feeling. "give him the ball back you little shit" I shout in my head. My boy will share but I admit I hate sharing, even at 36. Everyone should have one each of everything. If there's a God up there then why couldn't there be one of everything. Is that too much to ask? I thought the idea of life was to keep things fair. 
So sharing proves God doesn't exist. So therefore it is safe for me to call him a twat. 
(Although if you are listening, you are not a twat). 

There is one thing that is proving to be problematic about my living in Silsden, that is the distance away from where my son is. Well let's be more specific, the diesel I use in order to see my son and return him home. This has been modified recently and I think it will be reduced more so in the coming months. But I really need to cut out any unnecessary mileage so as to not take the piss out of work. If I lived in Denholme I would be between my son and my work. However by living in Silsden I am helping my boss with the other hand. I guess I will refine this as I go. At the moment I'm clocking the miles and trying to discover a way to improve on the quality and quantity of my van usage. It's heartbreaking that I can't live with my son. But he will grow up and move out eventually anyway so If I see him lots in the next fifteen years then I couldn't do much better. It's more quality time when it's just us two also.  
Geez I'm so tired again. Let's see if ten pm can offer sleep. Goodnight. 

A twelve hour working day led to a swift three ciders as I unplugged tv etc for damp work tomorrow. So I was left with cider brain on top of tiredness and music blaring. Cut a long story short I had the cathartic evening which I had promised myself for two months and I finally cried. Not a debilitating tear test, but more of a cleansing. Five mins later I felt fine. I guess that is the situation expelled. Music cures the savage beast but Radiohead IS the savage beast and sometimes best avoided.
So now I can play with my son tomorrow and feel in control of my destiny, certain that it is the way forward for all concerned.  I will be glad when this house is completed of work. My boss says the bathroom will be replaced sooner rather than later. 
Ok I'm off to sleep now, I am tired. Goodnight.
"long live the new flesh". (videodrome) 

After spending many sessions feeding the ducks the stale remnants of my loaves with my son, I saw an expression on a ducks face that made me reconsider what I was doing. 
It was 9:30 am as we scattered our contribution to the ducks and pigeons on our way to the park. The pigeons were eager to eat up our gift. But as our crumbs hit the water the ducks seemed to look over and ever so slowly and reluctantly made their way over with a look that said to me,"oh for fucks sake, bread again". They swam over and ate the bread half arsed. An hour later on our return journey home there was another man emptying a whole bag of bread into the ducks area. It seems these animals have shit loads of bread given every hour of the day by humans with eager faces watching them eat with excitement all believing that the ducks will be chugged at the offering. 
I don't know what else ducks eat but surely there must be something else as bread is not naturally going to fall into their paths. What is their natural food supply? 
Anyway once the duck pond was full of bread by this new man throwing loads in, the ducks set about the business of eating it, but I got a sense that all they were doing was cleaning up. 
The ducks radiated their thoughts through their expressions. 
"oh thanks for nothing, we had a clean pond and now someone else has thrown their junk in it. I guess we have to clear that shit up now then". 
Why is it that pigeons get thrown chips but not ducks. The next time I have a pizza, I am throwing some to those ducks, in a tidy pile though.  If I ever am that hard up that I'm going hungry I too will loiter at the duck pond in the hope to share this crappy bounty. 

What bothers me about life is that there's no point to us humans. What do we achieve by existing? We worry about settling down with someone or getting a job being happy, but what does this help with? We have meaningless lives which spawn meaningless other lives in a meaningless circle of monotony.
Enjoy!!

I have had a wonderful two days with my son, so why is it that I'm sat feeling sad. Is it because he reminds me that I'm not with him? No, if I was there I would be so so miserable. Infect there would be a row no doubt. This way that doesn't happen but I still feel sad. There are issues to work through but this isn't the time. I guess it doesn't help that I'm having a drink, playing music loud and relaxing to the will of my brains. I have to tread extremely carefully with my emotions and my mental state. I don't want to slip into self pity as I've been there before. Surely it's ok to cry when leaving a marriage and my son behind. But I daren't. 
I saw two girls that I would class as beautiful today. The thing about that, that I noticed was that they were about seventeen years my junior so not only would I have fuck all in common with them, my age would prohibit having the energy or desire to 'keep up' with their zest for life. In other words, although there are girls out there who I would like to be with (which shows there is still a small part of me which has not given up), they are not possibilities so therefore there is no point even bothering. Love just will jot happen for me and I scratch my head at how it could possibly happen for anyone. 
I think it's just me a lot of the time, I am 'impossible' to be around. 
I just feel like a square peg in a round hole. I think my son and I should buy an island together in the dream sea and spend eternity playing. Although in that case I think my happiness would  annoy him as I would forever cuddle him and tell him I loved him all the time, like I do now. 

I dug out my box of Star Wars toys for my son and it was a historic moment as Empire Strikes Back played in the background. Inevitably we had a lightsabre fight. It was 9:50pm by the time I put him to bed and I'm going to bed too. The late nights are catching up on me. I guess I'm more relaxed and settled this weekend too. Putting him to bed he seemed chuffed when I told him that I loved him more than anything in the world. I tell him I love him over and over and he must be sick of hearing it. I find it so strange that I feel so strongly about him and yet there is no second place for my affections, just memories of having to fake love on past girlfriends. At least I can tell myself I am capable of loving someone. I wouldn't have guessed I would ever feel so opposed to settling down with a person. Losing your freedom is like losing a limb. 
Ok, now I really must sleep.

I collected my step son and we went to the cinema to watch 'your Highness' which he liked for it's penis jokes and that level of humour. Afterwards we went to my house and had tea whilst playing Call Of Duty Modern Warfare2 until midnight. He seemed happy with that so that was good. I have to take him home this morning to be picked up by his dad. So I have to wait until four pm before I collect my son from Halifax. I am looking forward to having him overnight again. I am going to get my star wars toys of old out for him to play with. Then on Sunday it's a family get together at mums for my sisters birthday. I look forward to my sister getting more involved with OI. Ghost team. My workmate seemed to suggest we can investigate his parents house when the are away next, plus there is a psychic night being arranged in a shop in keighley  where I hope to follow with table tipping. I'm told a previous owner killed himself in the cellar. My editing of last investigations footage is coming together ok it's just that the discs that are coming out of the laptop are not playing on anything.

A sunny afternoon finds me tired from editing footage and doing house chores. I walked round to the local mini supermarket and bumped into a friend of my landlord. I returned home with shopping and after dropping bits off at mine I ventured to the local pub 'the Punch Bowl'.
This pub looks the nicest from outside but seems to have the worst reputation for fights at night. I entered and there was no threat of violence, just late middle aged people watching tv or playing pool. I have a head ache from tiredness. Maybe this pint was not a good idea. 
I am desperate for the Internet turning on now but I haven't heard from the company's engineer. I will have loads to do then. 
With my son coming this afternoon I expect to find myself in the park playing games. 

My little boy slept over and it was great watching tv, playing with play doh and giving him a bath. He's now in bed happily sleeping. This leaves me time to fall out with the laptop till god knows what time. I feel more settled with each day here. I still feel busy all of the time at the moment but after this weekend I should have the routine down. I'm so utterly relieved to be single. 

Thursday
All this driving about using works petrol has got me down today. I need a few hours doing nothing to re calibrate. Late into work after dropping my boy off. So late finish is the knock on effect. I almost feel weepy today but I think it's tiredness. I keep tempting myself with an iPad. But then I tell myself no chance.

I had a newer than my TV arrive from a workmate. This revolutionises my life from the shit feet that was a 14" tv that even my two year old referred to as a "toy telly". So now that takes the edge off needing to shell out on some big fucking behemoth. 
My ex called via grumpsville to say I wasn't prepared enough to have my son overnight tomorrow. I took the power off her by going along with it politely and switching my phone off. Surely she had said what was really on her mind? No? 
Well three hours later, sure enough there were nine missed calls from her. The rug had been pulled from under the arse of this power mad fuck bandit. I had remained calm as she tried to lay down the law and this was not the reaction which she had expected. How could she swim against a tide going the same as her? So she re entered into the fray and tried once again. Through gritted teeth and the fake pleasantness of a company rep I kept upbeat, and "yes I will sort out the medicines and pyjamas that only yesterday had I said I would". 
She is a total cock monkey at times when she is obviously at home climbing the Walls through a lack if confrontation. 
However I was chilling with my workmate and having a couple of beers whilst enjoying a film on my new TV. 
She said I could have my son tomorrow after all but next time blah blah blah snore....(sips beer)...

Number 429 in the Blog Writers Awards, it's a start.
Thanks to those who voted.

My initial feeling of living alone? I feel guilty that I sit alone in a peaceful house when my son and ex and step kids all busy themselves. Although if I was a fly on the wall, the kids would be in their bedrooms, my son would be watching tv and my ex would be reading or on the phone. However, I still feel guilt inbetween Having  my son over. It will pass I hope. I don't miss my previous incarnation, I just feel like I have shirked some responsibility. But I have in fact  put more effort in really.
It will take time to acclimatise. Although doing what I want when I want is priceless. I am just missing the Internet, Sky tv and a big screen.  

I feel unsteady.
Unsure
Afraid??
 
Hey. Fuck it. It will be ok. 

Ok. I believe I have officially moved into my new house. It was very hectic as I had my son sleeping over as I moved in. I had the best time with my son as we went to the park and fed the ducks. It was great putting him to bed in his own bed at mine too. It's been a couple of months since I have woken up with him calling my name. So all soppyness aside, I am now working at work on a Sunday on a massive run, 250,000 sheets intact. I would be doing nothing important at home. Last night I had an investigation so there's a lot of footage to search through on various devices. Got strange lights on the digital camera coming from the table tipping session. The table stood on one of it's four legs and rotated round and round a few times which was cool. I got to bed about 3:30 which was earlier than expected. I was still buzzing so sleep was flimsy at best. A lovely sunny day today again. I met my four neighbours of mine who equate to one thug of a man, one who's not all there and two regular blokes. Parking seems to be an ongoing argument on these small streets though. Parking outside on my bit actually causes more harm than good.
I don't have wifi at home for a couple of weeks so my posts may come and go. But none of us put to much into these things right.  
Speak to you next time.

Due to the size constraints of my new house, I have found that I have to have my freezer in my bedroom. The buzz of the motor and the occasional break of ice is going to stop me from sleeping I just know it. I don't know what can be done about that.
Tomorrow is going to be a little hectic. I have to deliver a van full of boxes to Dewsbury and then print for a bit. Wash up clean for the weekend and then load up my belongings from work and my mums and collect my son and unload and assemble my things at new house. Cook and clean and entertain my little boy and then try sleep through that Buzz I mentioned. I guess I am not rushing around on Saturday till about half six pm. 
3:27 am. Not sleeping properly but things will start to settle from this weekend. There will still be other things occurring over this month though such as Sky installation and broadband too. Two Walls in the lounge to have damp work, which means there will be plastering and painting afterwards. Finally the bathroom will be replaced and decorated. 
It just feels good to be in finally.
 

I'm clock watching awaiting the time to shoot onto my new house and arrange some furniture/vacuum decorator dust. I anticipate much pleasure from this, such as an animal might take from building it's nest. The sun is shining and the future looks bright. 

Moved furniture until 10 pm. Made two beds up and almost exploded with frustration as I was doing it alone and it seemed to he a two man job. My mum bought me five bags of shopping for the house. Now it feels like home. 
10:50pm guess I'm leaving home once again, I'll have to call back briefly as my bathroom will be put in anew in two months. 
My mother has done so so much for me by throwing newly bought acquisitions my way as I say what I am missing. She really has excelled herself.
So tomorrow is the start of forever, I pray I can handle life with the voices better than last time.

My son and I raced from nursery to my new place to find the gloss paint wet, the decorators belongings all over and my son asleep. My hands were tied and really it had mostly been a wasted journey. But I did pick up some mail etc. 
Ultimately it's one step towards being in. Tomorrow most paint will be dry and my ex gas given me a lot if things for the house. I look forward to vacuuming and cleaning and putting things in order etc. 
Just received a call from my ex asking me for the third time if I'm gonna expect to get money from the house in years to come. I fed up of having to repeat myself. It's like people don't like to hear a positive answer. They push you and push you trying to have some drama in their lives. They just can't handle things going ok, they have to be going through some punishment of some kind.
Just like when I was married.. I get along fine with her when I don't see or hear from her. But when she's about she makes me want to slash my wrists.

I worked a twelve hour day until 7:30 and then dashed on to Silsden to see how my new house's decorating was coming on. It looks so much better all painted. I look forward to the weekend when me and my boy can potter about the place properly. This is also the start of a phase of big overtime which I am going to grab with both hands. I hope to earn enough over the next month to buy an iPad 2. I am filled with optimism but also nervous as I haven't lived alone for nearly ten years. It will all come flooding back to me no doubt. Here comes the quiet life.

A strange time. On the brink of a new phase. 
Time is ticking as usual for everyone but me as I still wait to move in. The painters have started and the furniture has come so it's underway. I saw my son for four and a half hours since his mum was busy. I've got a starter investigation for a select few coming up. Looking forward to it. Not much happening until the weekend. I've got a shit load of overtime coming and it will hopefully be enough to help towards an iPad.

I went to the cinema with my step son. We watched Source Code together as three woman text and chatted in front of us saying how much they wanted to watch this film. I took him home. Then I wrote a small piece for my ghost website as my brothers visited my mum. I was involved in my second forum debate ever. It was about witch craft and spells on Living Spirit website. It was not very informative but there were glimpses of information gleaned. I quite enjoyed it although I didn't know much about the subject. It really took off when I said I had made a ouija board. They were all against it. So now I wait to be tired. Hope things are ok with you.   Why did I put that? I couldn't give a toss.

My poor son has an ear infection and was very upset this afternoon. My ex and I took him together and worked as a team to get medicines etc. It was a nice unison for our boy.
Afterwards I went to the cinema to watch 'Sucker Punch'. I'm obsessed with Babydoll. I really enjoyed that film. Then home to mums for a late tea.
Bought my mothers day gift today too so that's another thing sorted and truly deserved.


Limbo,,,,, that's where I am right now. Hurry up and wait as someone once said. I rush to get into my new house to just sit.