I awoke as my son joined me in my big bed and luckily he then slept for a further two hours. I listened to his breathing as I watched his bright blond hair bunch out from beneath the duvet. It was a blissful way to start the day, just the two of us. Then at breakfast we rewatched 'Monster's Inc'. Afterwards we got ready and went to Ilkley,which is an upperclass place to live with over expensive shops and tea rooms. But we walked through the park and past a lovely rover to feed the birds and ducks. We ended up in the play area which even had a large clean sand pit. The huge bouncy castle was erected near us so he had a go. Then we enjoyed a picnic and a play. The sun baked us at times so we took shelter and then went around the shops (just to look). I felt fantastic spending such a good time with him and for so little money. I think it was up there as one of the best moments that I've had, certainly in recent years. 

As my son has an afternoon nap after watching Power Rangers Ninja Storm, I am copying photos of him to a disc to give to his mum. It seems only right that she too should share them. I am having him for three days over the weekend and so we get to do all sorts, but he is tired out already. 
I rechecked my eyebrow hairs (for those of you keeping up with HAIRWATCH). What I found was even more startling. This time one eyebrow alone exhibited four thick vine ropes which all pointed downwards (perhaps under their own weight), I was mortified at the solidarity these hairs are starting to show. They were longer than ever. These ones I plucked yet again, Sellotaped to a piece of paper and dated. The hair on my head hasn't grown back at it's previous rate since the hairdresser misunderstood my directions and practically took all my hair off. When I said to him "I need my hair cutting badly", this was not what I meant. It's as if my hairline is retreating from my face, perhaps scared of my thick eyebrow hairs. 
At work we got talking about me staying single for ever and whether my attitude will change. I cannot see what a female has to offer me anymore. But if I need to be stopped enjoying myself or I have a persistent good mood, I do know where to go. 
Eating cheaply through cooking and then freezing the 
Leftovers is going well. Also I haven't had a beer for three weeks and I am not even trying not to. I just won't buy any firstly because I would rather have that money to spend on food etc for my son. Secondly because I have my son so many times a week, I always either have him or am about to have him. Then on top of that I am up all night doing my ghost stuff and driving. Whatever the reason I am not drinking and it's all for the good of my boy and myself. 

A long but pleasant working day ending in my collecting my son from nursery. I received a call from my grandma (96) telling me she had a letter for me from East Riddlesden Hall. My gran lived and worked in the now listed building/museum in 1945 as a cook for the resident family with my Granddad. With my ghost interest she tried to help me get a foot in the door at the National Trust location. The letter turned out to be a contact name to approach but fingers crossed we can investigate eventually. My Gran has been asked to do a talk at the Hall in January about her time there for the people who meet up for coffee mornings etc. She is one of the last surviving people who lived there since 1945 was when the National Trust took over. 
My son really took to her today, telling her all sorts of ramblings that my Gran couldn't make out. She has finished writing her life story finally with photos. She had inspired me to start mine in the 90's and I did the first 20 years of my life so far and then met my wife to be and it all paused. I kinda knew that one day I would be single again even if it was through my wife dying and that I would work further on it. If not then there was always my diaries to fill in the gaps. 

Working day was another hot one with this strangely warm weather. Once I was home I set about watching 'Eastbound and Down' which I was really impressed with...and  I do like Danny McBride. Then I started play on 'Mafia 2' on the PS3 and I really got into it. It struck me afresh what a peaceful and pleasant time I was having (as much as I always miss my boy when he is not with me). 
There are some great sunsets at the moment and they always remind me of the nineties when I would stare out of the window of my bedroom at our old house whilst listening to The Orb on repeat. My mind would have trouble contemplating the future. Would I get married and have kids or become depressed and end it all. There are lots of strong emotions when you are a teenager, its like there are no half measures. This is before I got my hands on drink and drugs too. I am almost returning to that time of my life nowadays as my mind has time to think things over again on an evening when I am alone. There was a world of possibilities at Seventeen and now I have reduced it down to two options. Happiness alone of misery with a partner. This has made the rest of my life easy to plan. This way I get to concentrate on my son and have time to please myself doing what makes me happy. I write this also knowing that in ten years time I could well read this back and think I was talking shit. 

A long day again after having my son for tea and then taking him home. After that I went to see a ghost hunt friend nearby and that meant I finally arrived back home after nine pm. I need to stop arranging to see people. Nothing personal against who I ever visit but I want to have people visit me too. 
Amy Winehouse died at the weekend, left in a slump in her home after a large binge on drugs. It was a surprise to hear and yet always a possibility. 27 years old and addicted to drugs. So many talented people get into drugs because of the money and fame. But people like Amy W are already into it before they cam actually afford it. If I was famous I would be a drug addict and alcoholic. No doubt about it. Fortunately i cannot afford drugs or drink and therefore am as close to sober as I have ever been since my first pint. Coffee is my drug as of now. Who knows what the future holds? But for now it's a surprise to me that I am so free of the need to drink. 

Spent the day mostly catching up with my Sky planner. I ticked off many 'to do's' today. Then I had my son and we played with his 'Cars' toys whilst watching 'Cars'. It took me back to my playing and watching Star Wars. I managed to mostly miss another sunny day too by barely leaving the house and finishing washing clothes and bedding. I believe they call it 'pottering' and it's great being able to do it. But of course these days I get to do it often. Its been a strange thing not having had a drink really for over a month or two. I refuse to spend money on it since buying this iPad. That was the deal that I made myself. All money is not for spending for the rest of the year. I need it for Xmas. 
Where have the months gone already? 2011, it's a joke how it drips away quicker. All I can say about where I am in my life is that I am HAPPY. I never believed this situation would leave to my happiness.

I awoke on a Friday morning and work consisted of delivering mostly. It was another hot day but sunless. Once home I painted a piece of hardboard in preparation for an oil painting that I have planned. Then I cleaned the house top to bottom whilst catching up on Podcasts. There is something very satisfying about cleaning. Once I have finished and sat down, it's a great feeling knowing that it can be a while until you need do it again. 

You know I'm not actually writing about the elephant in the room. The elephant in the room is not always here, infect most days it isn't but today it trod on my foot and I couldn't help but feel it. 

Earlier this year my marriage dissolved finally. I mean it was dead from the start but it FINALLY was put to sleep with little emotion from either party (thankfully). Obviously I am not going to divulge more details than that. 
BUT what I will say is that a simple discussion with her can really upset your day. The quiet altercation that we had never reached raised voices or real anger but it still stung. I can't bear the fact that she has the power over me and my day. I am not mouthing off about her. I am purely observing the POWER that an Ex Lover has at their disposal. It's this power that will keep me from fraternising with another female in an emotionally intimate way. I watch too many films as it is and have been sold a lie by Hollywood. But the 'truth' that I discovered in real life about LOVE is something that I cannot understand. Why would anyone put themselves close to another person after the heartbreak I felt from a loveless relationship. The early years bring pain through pining to be with that person. Then comes the inevitable arguments over petty shit. Then the boredom and being taken for granted followed by the suffocation. 

I spent years chasing the dream  of love and yet with the other hand I refused to put both feet in incase I got hurt. If you open yourself you are vulnerable. Vulnerabilities are used as ammo at some point by your partner against you. 
Since the separation from the marriage I have continued to avoid difficult conversations but one came up today and although it has been resolved now it was incredible painful to take part in. I am not cut out to have those moments. 
I am always told I don't have emotion of any kind. But the shell I wear is actually because I am too sensitive. 
So that is the final answer, i feel things too deeply to be involved and could never express it to that person if I allowed myself to feel it in the first place.
Hey I can write it .... But try be my partner and have me say it, no chance. 
I cannot communicate.
And yet..... I am an open fountain of joy with my child. Infact I cannot write about it or talk about it without welling up so that's the end of that.  
So bury your weaknesses and hide your vulnerabilities away from the world. The world blossoms like a flower at times and has moments of beauty. But it's a passing moment only before time withers it and the decay takes over and all you are left with is hands covered in a pissy flower liquid.

Now I have written that, it is exorcised. I feel much better. This is my therapy and you read it at your own discretion. I tell these pages only. If others read it that is just a byproduct that I have little control over. 

Ok I feel good now.
Thanks x x

I awoke to a text saying "Don't come near my property" from the lady who I suspected of having issues. I didn't reply at all and went into avoid mode. Then at work my boss had a chat with me about my other woman problem that crept in yesterday so at least now I am pre armed in case I get hassle from my sons mum. neither of those issues can I go into further. 
My boss helped me also by dropping off new couch cushion inners which mean that now my body is actually higher than my foot rest which is brilliant. It's the little things that give me the most pleasure. I was yet again in the newspaper today for the third time in two weeks with mention of the Ghost walk we helped out on. From that piece I contacted The Picture House cinema in Keighley. This time there was potential for interest as the lady manager was willing to ask the owner if we can do something. If we get a yes off him then we should be ok to go his other five cinemas around the country. 
I arrived home and caught up on my Sky recordings and enjoyed a bath and a read. I rebelled in the peacefulness I found in being alone. I'm afraid I'm having one of those days where I look perplexingly at couples, whilst I try and understand where the pleasure is. This year is still being quite a stressful one to forget in the long run but when you are doing it at the time, it doesn't feel like such a strain. 2011 has been a rebirth for me and I feel free of shackles I used to put on myself and I am using my weaknesses as my strengths. I make no apologies in my search for happiness and I hope that you all find yours. 

Surprisingly today's watch word was Stress. I had a lady call with claims that her house was being bugged. She believed that she had hidden cameras and audio recorders taping her every movement. This seemed to caused firstly by things going missing around the house where she lives alone with animals. At first she thought she was being haunted but then the paranoia of being watched came through. Now I have agreed to go round and find something paranormal or find hidden electrical equipment or find nothing. 
Secondly my ex tried to get more money from me in a bizarre twist of judgement. I have no money to give though regardless of the proposed reason. It all stressed me briefly though. The calm of a mill pond has been regained though. 
Some days, the world finds a way to piss on your shoes even if you are hiding. 

Tonight I watched 'Jackass3' and then went to the cinema and saw the final Harry Potter movie. I was tired by the end but feel satisfied that I saw it to it's conclusion in the cinema where I started with it. The circle is complete. 
What I didn't understand was the round of applause at the end. Who is that for and are they going to hear it? I don't know of people who stand in art galleries clapping like seals because they appreciate a painting. Nor do I understand the people who sit through all the twenty minutes of pre film adverts and trailers, only to go for a piss as the lights fade. 

I had my son overnight tonight which is not normally part of the routine. It was great though, he is such fun to be with for me. He genuinely makes me laugh when we play together and in these four Walls it's me who feels safe in his company. I was behind on watching The Apprentice about five weeks and was trying to watch two episodes at once to catch up. Then I opened the newspaper to see what was on tv tonight and there stood the winner. So now I will delete the unwatched episodes and try to keep up next time. 
Today's tv watching schedule is. It what it used to be. No one watches programmes one week at a time anymore. It's hard to have the discussion around the coffee machine the way we used to. Too many channels also means we are less likely to watch the same stuff at all. 
Over saturation is now the plan. Nothing is lost these days that can't be re seen somehow. 

I finally fulfilled a visit to paint with my Aunt which we had always had on the cards since I was around thirteen years old. I went over and we spoke about watercolour techniques and then tried some work with acrylics. I thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon and produced a painting that I am happier with than all the other watercolours that I have done. I will definitely be doing it again. The second project that I need to do is to work on my Aunt's book. She asked me many times to lend a truth to the dialogue which she had stiltedly wrote for a young male character. She felt that her writing his dialogue had not done the boy justice. Anyway I will hopefully be able to put some time into that too. 
What I am lacking at the moment are evenings where I have not planned a visit to see someone. I think I must draw a line under a fortnight where I only see my boy. This weekend I had my stepson over to stay and we watched 'Due Date' and played golf against each other and then Black Ops online. It was good fun and good to keep in touch. 

These hot days are becoming an accepted fact now. They say that we no longer have summers in England but they are wrong this year. I also lose track of time as the late sunlight fails to leave my closed shut window blinds. It's no wonder that 11:30pm sneaks up on me. I hate the sun because I have a skin reaction to it. I don't mean it changes colour like every one else's. When we were in Cypress getting married I woke up to see my eyes swollen almost shut. Of course I look back now and think I was allergic to being married. Life is infinitely better for me single. With having my son every two days though I don't have time to have a relationship, thank f##k. The final Harry Potter film starts in a few days. Have you noticed that there's always some huge movie event around the corner. Next up it's The Hobbit. Then potentially another Star wars believe it or not. With the new technological breakthroughs that digital cinema has brought, I can now have the same excitement about I had as a kid at the spectacle of a new effects film. I remember watching a film every second Saturday in the villages Village Hall where someone had somehow rigged up a projector and thrown eats out. Looking back I can't believe it had legal backing. 

I watched a programme about the creation of life inside the human body. It surprises me that I was the strongest swimmer to begin with. Maybe I really pushed myself to win that first all important race. Now I'm still knackered and ultimately disappointed at the prize. Maybe I'm still annoyed that I didn't get a rosette. 

Just been to a mill where we are going to be doing a full nights investigation. The workers have seen a man fully formed and walking the corridor numerous times. We will be involved in a charity do in the future and also a ghost walk with Malcolm Hanson on Thursday. Things are looking up again. It's all very exciting. The mill is similar to Holmefield Mills in Halifax where I have investigated twice with WYPG. The involvement of Malcolm is a huge addition. It's helped me through my wavering of recent days in the light of people being mad with me over my use of the Ouija board (which is now resolved). 

Human's exhaust me. The mind games and the subtle emotional attacks that are buried in texts or emails. My tv doesn't try this with me. I can rely on my tv. 
We are raised to be polite in the face of criticism and turn the other cheek when our character is attacked. 
I don't react well to conflict. Infact I run from it. Because any annoyance I have is never thrown back at the person. Instead I take that anger out on myself. That used to result in me cutting myself. But know I learnt to not do that. But where do I expel my disgust now? Here on these pages? Sometimes.   
As I climb the pole of inner peace, there's always someone throwing grease at it. The only way to avoid this is to be a hermit. 

I had plans this evening to visit two separate friends but my sons mum was held up at work. I rearranged and got more time with my boy though. We played for hours and it was quality time together. 
But at the moment a few other people are looking at me disapprovingly in my life, all related to the ghost side of things. I always say I don't like other people a great deal, and I am suffering from other people's opinions being thrust upon me. On top of that they comment freely that I'm not doing things their way and I'm still not allowed to have my own opinion. 
I think I have to remember to allow everyone to express their opinions without question so that I too can enjoy just doing or saying what I want. It feels like whatever I do at the moment, someone has a problem with it. I need to reduce my already small gang of contacts and not make visiting plans. My ghost team are good people now but I think we are running out of places to investigate for now. I just am in a mood because I had to apologise for the Ouija board debacle and don't feel as if I actually should have. I just want to be left alone. There's plenty of things I can be occupying myself with. Slipknot were right "people=shit"

Today has all ready been a good day for me. Waking up with my son with me and playing with toys. Then my brothers coming to my new home for the first time. In the afternoon my son and I went to a local Gala. It's like a crap version of a fun fair and a car boot sale. For kids it's ok though, so he enjoyed walking around and he bought an inflatable sword. 
Also in today's news...an Ex girlfriend sent me a request on Facebook and it shocked me. I clicked CONFIRM and then thought better of it immediately. Too late.
I then messaged her not to confuse me with the Me of fifteen years ago (basically the me who her did things behind her back). Lets get this straight, she wasn't the one, but I was confused and desperate to find 'the one' and in-between I would try my hand at anything. Anyway she didn't need that shit to deal with as I walked away. She accepted that I was different but really she was always too forgiving. It seems nothing has changed. 
No real harm can come as I don't want a partner again as you know. 
Then after using a Ouija board with the film crew on Friday, I told my Medium friend and she is now mad with me.I sent her two apologies and feel that should be enough. What about an apology back for putting a comment on Facebook that she wouldn't bother giving out advice from now on. Aimed at me. 
I am continually bemused with other people who cross my path. I just try to avoid people...it's so much easier. 
I bought the KORG app for iPad to create music on and it's fantastic. I can see many hours lost creating on that. 

Stood stating out of the window and wondering how to find happiness was something I did from being a teenager. I wondered if I was going to be given the gift of a person who would change my life for the better. I felt trapped and alone with myself. 
I was looking in the wrong direction. I should have been looking inwards because I knew I could be happy when occupied alone. Now I find the most happiness alone as no one spoils it for me. The idea of ' sharing' my time seems preposterous. The notion of spending a long time with another human being is surely going to grate eventually. I have friends who I am close to and feel at ease around, but even we would want a break if we were living together for a year. So solitude in myself is now a proven fact and to top it all off I feel great in myself. It's all a bit strange but it's about what ever works for you. 

I went to have a coffee with Pat from WYPG today. I always learn something new about the paranormal from her. She too had been filmed by the visiting film crew from Belgium. Later I met my team and we set up our equipment and started our circle strengthening. This time we ended up using my Ouija Board and I felt that I controlled it well. Some random bloke came through with an indecipherable message for his two kids. Luckily the glass moved for the camera and the Gauss meter registered when we we sat away from it. It was strange being filmed but easier than I had thought, it all feels so false. We will get to see a copy hopefully through our new contact Tim. It's all good fun. It doesn't cost me anything but tiredness. It's weird how you become blasé about having contacted the dead though.
By 2 am I was tired and wanted to just be home.

WOW....I finally have my new Ipad2 and it is better than any wife or girlfriend. Lord strike me down now as with this and my beautiful son, life will not get any better.
I arrived home and killed twelve massive blue bottle flies as I tried to watch "Voyage of the Dawn Treader". It was as if they were sent to test me. Even now number thirteen is buzzing behind the lounge blind like an electrical noise. I will leave this one for God himself to have killed in a day or two. Well this is me now....a writer. I have no excuses left. It's time that I started to actually write something worthwhile. I'll tell you something my diaries are suffering a lot. I used to scribble thoughts and doodles down in that but know with the few electronic writings that I do, my diaries have become more just a daily set of bulletpoints. I have a busy time this weekend and I think it will cost me nothing. My 37 birthday celebration will hopefully be capped off with the final Harry Potter film which as I have probably mentioned before, measures the length of my relationship with my to-be-ex wife. I will always look upon those films as a very stand out part of my life.
But life is so much better now and that is not bad mouthing anyone.

Three alarm devices were set to awaken me this morning. However I awoke an hour earlier than that. Sods law. 
I also realised why I had bad back ache on Sun/Monday. My son had made me lay on my front and raise my arms and legs off the floor like a skydiver would be positioned. Evidently my body has actually never been in that position before.

Now my son is here again bossing me around until he goes to bed. I remember at school being told to keep your back supple on a weekly basis and thinking it would be easy. Maybe I could become supple again but it would take baby steps if that pain is anything to go by. My body already feels old at 36 so if I live  il I'm 80 then I will be wheeled out in a stood up coffin and left in front of the tv until I'm wheeled back into the cupboard because my whole body has locked with such little use. I think if I seize up in a sat down position then things will be pretty similar. 

To start the day i was late for work. With my phone dead and my iPod on silent, I awoke at 8:10am. I had to make up my time and then got home late. I knuckled down and wrote two investigation write ups. that took the pressure off. A member of my team got us involved in having a Belgian TV crew interview us soon. They are over here making a paranormal programme. On top of that we are promised a funded event next year as part of Keighley festival 2012.  So things are looking up.
This living alone is just heavenly. I can fill the silence with what ever noise I like and I feel at home here. Tiredness is the problem though as I never want to go to bed early. When you live with someone, sometimes the polite way of shutting them up is to go to bed alone. I seem to be suffering from not having someone to wake me up and irritate me out of bed. As of today I have three devices to wake me up. Fingers crossed.

My back hurts. It hurt yesterday morning as I lifted the chiminea into my van. Then I sat in the cinema seats for six and a half hours, drove home and sat and watched two more things. So I guess back ache was inevitable. I had fun with my son this evening whilst playing in the garden. I finally got home at eight pm and had myself a shower. Now my good friend is coming over for a bit. Tonight was set aside to be footage review evening but there's always tomorrow. A miserable start turned into a very hot day. 
Jesus midnight has arrive yet again... Midnight you are my new nemesis. Why do you stalk me so? There always seems to be a list of things that I haven't done again at the end of each day. I must sleep right away because misjudged brother called morning will be swiftly following. 

Watching 'Aventureland', two things struck me. 1/ Here is another character that Jesse Eisenberg plays who I see as being similar to myself in their awkwardness. It reminds me why I've stopped looking for/ believing in love in all it's forms. 
2/It made me realise that against my better judgement, the love bug in me isn't completely dead and that scares me.
In this film there are lots of stolen glances at a girl. I did that recently. But my thoughts were "If it had been earlier in my life I would have created some obsession with this person. However I am out of the game for good". 
But then I catch myself thinking about this person and I don't know why. I think when you don't know someone very well you can fill in all the gaps with what you would want them to be like. It's only when the reality is unleashed that the flaws bring it all down. But I think I still enjoy the romance of imagining and not knowing. The women in my life are like chapters in a book. I really am not looking to add another miserable chapter. It just isn't like it should be, which is like it is in the movies. I think that's why I watch films all the time. I prefer the fake reality. 

An interesting environment to investigate last night with my group of five. The floorboards were death traps. Equipment went crazy during set up as if a spirit was like an eager puppy. We contacted three of the seven spirits in our limited time there. A barmaid saw a spirit two floors down in overalls in the cellar and ran. We also got some great news about Malcolm Hanson wanting to be involved in our group. He is a well respected author, ghostwalk organiser and paranormal investigator in our area. He spoke of us being involved in future projects of his. 
Today I am having a cinema day. I have just come out exhausted  from Transformers 3 and now I am awaiting Kung Fu Panda 2. A lovely sunny day outside today but I can't sit in it anyway as I have an allergic reaction to sun/sun creams. 
I look forward to my iPad coming maybe next week. I love writing on my iPod touch but that will be better still. Finally I will have everything I want. I mean everything. I will be complete. I haven't had alcohol for days now but most notably I had an idea that from the 1st of July I would try avoid it again, this time without the wife telling me it makes me boring from not drinking. it's more about not spending the money. I am going to take it easy with spending from now on. Coffee or water is going to be first choice and I can eat cheaply these days too. I am into July of this year of change now and hope to be at the start of a new phase by 2012. This is the year that I took my life in my own hands and so far everything is turning out fantastic. Even the bumps in the road prove themselves to be for the best. 

A bright sunny day brought my son and I to a summer fete at the local church. These church related fun days are not something I would normally attend but they had a bouncy castle and my boy went on it and had his face painted like a pirate. There were two lads in their late teens running the disco music but looking bored. There was a paddling pool with ducks in so children could play hook-a-duck. The new village in which I now live is a lovely and tranquil place. There are always lots of Gala days around in the summer  but where I now live seems to carry it off without being too embarrassing. 
Then in the afternoon we went and explored the lovely local park. No gold bullion was discovered. Not unless the treasure that you  seek is empty lager bottles and take away wrappings.
After standing on beetles and putting sticks in mole hills, we were done. The heat was getting too much and by that I don't mean the Police. I sat in my yard for the first time. Pleasant enough for minutes with my boy but if I was alone I wouldn't be sat outside.
I believe that tonights investigation will not be concluded too far into the early hours. However if the ouija board gets going it will be hard to stop. 

Finally got around to completing my footage review of 11/06/11. My little boy went to bed nicely and I listened to dead air recordings of a dictaphone placed in a kitchen for three hours in real time. It was worth it to hear a male and a female whispering to each other over the course of just one of those minutes. 
It seems the summer is here now as we have had a week of sunshine. I intend to make the most of the sun by going ghosthunting on one day and sitting in the cinema all day on the following day. I have a lot of writing to do too and don't want to let it build up more.