I awoke on a Friday morning and work consisted of delivering mostly. It was another hot day but sunless. Once home I painted a piece of hardboard in preparation for an oil painting that I have planned. Then I cleaned the house top to bottom whilst catching up on Podcasts. There is something very satisfying about cleaning. Once I have finished and sat down, it's a great feeling knowing that it can be a while until you need do it again. 

You know I'm not actually writing about the elephant in the room. The elephant in the room is not always here, infect most days it isn't but today it trod on my foot and I couldn't help but feel it. 

Earlier this year my marriage dissolved finally. I mean it was dead from the start but it FINALLY was put to sleep with little emotion from either party (thankfully). Obviously I am not going to divulge more details than that. 
BUT what I will say is that a simple discussion with her can really upset your day. The quiet altercation that we had never reached raised voices or real anger but it still stung. I can't bear the fact that she has the power over me and my day. I am not mouthing off about her. I am purely observing the POWER that an Ex Lover has at their disposal. It's this power that will keep me from fraternising with another female in an emotionally intimate way. I watch too many films as it is and have been sold a lie by Hollywood. But the 'truth' that I discovered in real life about LOVE is something that I cannot understand. Why would anyone put themselves close to another person after the heartbreak I felt from a loveless relationship. The early years bring pain through pining to be with that person. Then comes the inevitable arguments over petty shit. Then the boredom and being taken for granted followed by the suffocation. 

I spent years chasing the dream  of love and yet with the other hand I refused to put both feet in incase I got hurt. If you open yourself you are vulnerable. Vulnerabilities are used as ammo at some point by your partner against you. 
Since the separation from the marriage I have continued to avoid difficult conversations but one came up today and although it has been resolved now it was incredible painful to take part in. I am not cut out to have those moments. 
I am always told I don't have emotion of any kind. But the shell I wear is actually because I am too sensitive. 
So that is the final answer, i feel things too deeply to be involved and could never express it to that person if I allowed myself to feel it in the first place.
Hey I can write it .... But try be my partner and have me say it, no chance. 
I cannot communicate.
And yet..... I am an open fountain of joy with my child. Infact I cannot write about it or talk about it without welling up so that's the end of that.  
So bury your weaknesses and hide your vulnerabilities away from the world. The world blossoms like a flower at times and has moments of beauty. But it's a passing moment only before time withers it and the decay takes over and all you are left with is hands covered in a pissy flower liquid.

Now I have written that, it is exorcised. I feel much better. This is my therapy and you read it at your own discretion. I tell these pages only. If others read it that is just a byproduct that I have little control over. 

Ok I feel good now.
Thanks x x