After slagging people off for hunting for a pumpkin on actual Halloween night, I found my son and I driving round doing just that. It worked mind. We took one away and carved it. 
It was a last minute idea and it was worth the trip. I won't take him begging on people's doorsteps though cos its not right. I probably mentioned last Halloween how it seems wrong to demand money from people whilst you wear a mask. If its ok to do today why can't I do it next week without getting arrested? 
Tiredness is crippling me. I should be asleep now but I have to write to you. I've just been to see the new Tin Tin film and it washed over me but left no impression. It was like looking at a wonderfully constructed painting and then forgetting about it immediately as soon as you leave the gallery. At least I've seen it. 
Today I received a photo of a potential shadow person from our Halloween public investigation on Saturday. My friend was very excited about it understandably but I felt it was actually me who had been in the frame. It's outline looks like my shape to me. Especially the clothes I had on would make that shape. Plus there is what seems to be my torch in my hand too. It's all too much like me to convince me otherwise. 
We'll  see better on my tv. 

Is this it? I sometimes ask myself as I sit alone. Is this what we have to be grateful for? As a sperm I beat millions of competitors to reach the egg and the prize is moderate. There doesn't seem to be a goal to being alive that you can put your efforts in to. Humans flock together like animals but they don't gel as well as they like to pretend. As a straggler to the flock I get to indulge myself  in every thought and hobby, yet still there is just the ticking of the clock as a guide. Man invented the clock and so really as I exist for my seventy plus years there's only the silence of the universe. Is it better that there is no point. How can you go wrong if there isn't? 
Sometimes I feel like we all buzz around doing things that will just be forgotten. Our tiny light in the sky will blink out and not be missed amongst the busy cosmos. 
Ps. I am in a good mood, but tired. 

Tired again tonight. Overtime is knocking it out of me as I'm not used to it. Did some footage reviewing tonight. My team mate was stopped in Morrisons and asked about paranormal stuff because he had seen us in the paper. That sounds like a good thing. 
Good luck to my boss who gets married again tomorrow. 
The thought of myself getting remarried gives me shivers. 
Marriage itself is like a warm slipper, nice. But being married to the enemy is terrible. I know they say keep your enemies closer but it does get you down. If you don't get on then there's no winner. 

I was happy to see my friends neighbours had already put out my wheels bin today. When I tried to put my bin bag in though, I found it full of cardboard boxes I hadn't owned. Cheeky sods. I just hoped that the boxes didn't contain severed heads which would be traced back to me. So here it is in writing. I didn't do it. 

I was ironing my three year olds jeans when I noticed that the pocket contained something that I presumed to be a sweet wrapper. I emptied out a ripped Bionicle advert out of Argos's va talkie and: a twig broken in two. It was very cute. I showed him what I'd found and he nodded saying "Thems mine". Like father like son, very attached to useless bits of crap. 
I really need to sleep if I'm to do another twelve hour day on my feet. 

I picked up my boy from nursery. He had said he was hot, maybe with a fever. He stood there in jeans and a vest looking like a miniature John McClane from Die Hard. He perked up when we played though. I dropped him at home and then took my step daughter to see 'Paranormal Activity 3'. I felt that I wanted to tell the crowd that I'd seen it like waving a badge of honour. The room was three times busier than when I had first seen it. It was a teenage room and there was a lot of talking and giggling. It didn't spoil it for me second time but there was a lot of shushing each other and even some turning around and glaring, which amounted to nothing. 
Over time springs back into action this week so things are looking up in time for Xmas. The money will also pay for my iPad so that's cool. I'm looking forward to xmas since I have only had three days off this year. 

There was also the development of info gleaned from a spirit calling herself Victoria Quin from Saturday nights investigation. A train fan had said that Albert Quin had been from Keighley rail service and was moved to Halifax line where he got crushed between two traction engines. Was this linked to our spirit and the old photo of a man on a train found in the cellar? 

Big paranormal event on Saturday in Leeds, I'm looking forward to it especially as my sister is lending a hand. 

I had my son over as usual and we spent loads of time playing together and reading. Then we started to make a robot out of cereal boxes. All good fun came to an end as I dropped him off at his mums. He was tired after the journey home and he wouldn't relinquish his grip on my neck. I had to prise him off me and basically just go. I heard him shouting my name as I shut the door and it was heart wrenching. Don't get me wrong when I text later he was fine and playing with moon sand but it still hurts for a long time after. 
I guess that won't get easier. It must upset his mum too. 

That night I had a second ghost investigation at Cavendish Court and at 1am we had a steam train noise come through from the baby monitor. The mic end was in the cellar which was strange, but awesome. Where we were used to be the stables for horses that were connected to the old train yard next door. It made the night worthwhile. 

Sunday was film day. 'Real Steel' which took a real effort not to cry over in the cinema when it was the father son moments. Then 'Contagion' which makes you think about how easy it is to pick up germs from door handles etc. 
Then home to more tv and a relax in silence. 
I am looking forward to seeing my son again tomorrow night followed by a return to see 'Paranormal Activity 3' for my second time with my step daughter. 

My heating stopped working last night as my son sat with a bit of a cold. I tried to work out the problem but my boy was pulling at me to play games. I was getting stressed because I felt guilty about him being cold and him not understanding the situation. 
He slept in bed with me and that was fine until we got up. October is rife for boiler issues since they have been off during the summer.

I went home to the boiler pilot light being out again. Upon relighting it I saw the heating kick in successfully so finally the house warmed. I left for a cinema double bill of 'Paranormal Activity 3' which was awesome and 'Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark' which I'm seeing in twenty minutes. 
I waited at the ticket machine for the 6:30 to flick over after not being allowed free parking last time at 6:27. I couldn't believe it when the lady said I might get charged for parking because it has to be after half six, as in 6:31 at least...wankers. 

I feel like the world around me is trying to fuck with my head. I was walking through town to look in a shop and three people were walking my way. I squinted into the sun and avoided them to the side. A female voice simply said "You look like a weirdo you!"
I walked on thinking that it had been said directly to me. Who says that out loud to a stranger?
It baffled me more than anything especially as she was pretty nice looking. 
It made me chuckle but obviously self conscious. 

As I reflected on it at home I checked on a website which I had entered a writing competition on. I had to search key words for the competition only to discover it had been cancelled due to lack of interest. Two fucking weeks I had slaved over that. So the world can go fuck itself (except you, reading this, you are in my cool book). 

All this on top of being told I can't see my son if it's dark outside. 

I need a beer.....but if I do, anything could happen.  

The wind was howling and the rain pouring as I returned my son home after we had enjoyed playing together at his grandmas. 
It gave his mother a great opportunity to finally spit out the thing she had been trying to say for weeks. "it's not a great idea this seeing him on a Monday thng is it?" 
"Why?" 
"Well it doesn't seem fair dragging him out in the dark and cold"
Jesus if he isn't allowed out in the cold or the dark then I won't see him until next July. If it snows....I get the point but otherwise I feel a bastard again for that decision being made by his mum when it effects he and I.  Will he think I have deserted him? 
I have no say in the matter because the stupid fucking law says that even though she made my life unpleasant, she gets to piss on my parade too. 
Equality...balls. 
At least she finally got it out though. 
I have one person in the world who I give my love to and an outsider rules how often I can see him. 

The world is one fucked up place people. 
I have to bounce back. I remember pointing out in my marriage how unfair it was that should anything come between us she would only lose me, the object of her problems. But if she pissed me off it would be I who had to leave and I would lose four people. Is that fair? Is it fuck. That's why men end up henpecked because they see it's better to keep their mouths shut than lose everything. 
Evil, pure evil. 

(I am mad at the situation more than personally attacking my Ex, who I actually get on with ok)


I just want to have a comfortable and stress free life. I am not the villain. 



Something I noticed today had me scratching my head too.
Here was the scenario;
I had to go delivering at some point but then the customer decided that they would collect.
Firstly I was told "the customer is now coming to collect that"
I answered with "oh are they?"
Now this is the wrong way around. The answer was given first and then I still followed it with the question which had been answered a second before. 
It happens all the time, eg "I going out tonight" 
"Are You?"
("Yes I just said I was didn't I? Idiot") Thats what should happen but it's become acceptable to do it the wrong way. Now I noticed it, it annoys me further. 

I had my step son over on Friday and we went to the cinema to watch 'Abduction' and then to mine where he played 'Heavy Rain' on the PS3. He stayed with me through most of the next day until I dropped him off and picked up my son. So for three days I have had company in my house. I was making lunch on Saturday and it brought back the memory of being part of a family and having people around in the same house. It was nice I have to say. I can understand that side of having someone live with you but unfortunately in my case there was too many disagreements with my spouse. The problem I have with people start when they need something from me. If I can exist in the same space then I'm fine. My ex constantly starts to suggest something and then says "oh it doesn't matter" and so I know that I will not like it. It starts me on a low mood for hours after because it has something to do with me seeing my son I gather. All I have in the world is my son and it upsets me guessing what she will say. 
With me not drinking, on the one hand I have no defences, I don't go and drown my sorrows but on the other hand I don't send myself in an alcohol low mood and do anything stupid that will perpetuate my feelings. Over three months now off drink and drugs. The simple life suits my personality better but it makes some ups and downs harder to manage. Still I feel that I am on the right path as if I drink I am not sure if I would ever stop. 

Phase 1: the year of change is almost nearing an end. Hopefully the whole sorry affair will be slightly forgotten come 2012.
There's not a day goes by that I don't have a practice conversation explaining why my marriage broke down, as if talking to my son or step kids when they inevitably ask. I've come up with near thirty different reasons I would guess to validate myself and yet a sense of guilt lingers. Hopefully I will be vindicated in time and rest easy in later life. 
I do feel like I was a caterpillar who spent thirty odd years wriggling on his belly in the dirt and then went quiet for three months, only to announce that he was now to be a butterfly and that everyone who held him down could Fuck Off. Then that butterfly decided that he would rather fly solo until his dying day than even land his feet on the shit coveted floor again. 
Hallelujah. 
Praise be the winds of change. 

A good day which turned a bit shitty. I had to drop off a pallet today and I arrived at 8am. It was not until 10:30am that they finally stopped unloading the wagons behind me. That pissed me off. Then a mix up which involved my carelessness meant I had taken two random boxes with me to deliver. So tomorrow I will go again with the correct delivery and do it all again. So my idiocy was the talk of work and it bothered me. I drove home and shut the door on the world. 
I medicated myself with a triple bill of 'Date Night', 'Daybreakers' and 'Wall Street 2'. 

A weird thing happened whilst I had the forklift truck driver sign a delivery note which someone at work had  presented me. the guy took it to sign and I saw that there was a hair of the pubic variety sat atop the sheet under his gloved thumb. I was puzzled and mortified as he signed the note. I expected him to get rid of it quickly and in a disgusted manner but it was if he didn't notice it or some other reason. But it felt like an elephant in the room. I knew it was funny but it was  also humiliating. I have no idea how it arrived as it had in front of our surprised faces. 

I feel very antisocial this week. I have had enough of the way people make me feel. Not by their actions but by I interpret their actions and it causes a bad feeling in myself. Who needs enemies when I have a mind that turns the world against me. 

I've been repeatedly let down by an outer circle of new friends this year and I have finally dropped them from my radar. I have a limited threshold for people who waste my time these days, I'm sick doing all the chasing. It also seems people won't cancel on ,e, misted they just fail to tell me that they won't be coming on such and such a night, like that is better than letting me down. Well it's not, I'd rather know you were not coming to do whatever we had planned. 
Spent tonight without the tv on at all and got writing done for another few days. I can't keep track of how I feel at the moment. It seems to change every ten minutes. 
Even as I write this I ave ran out of the motivation to stick with it. 
I will end tonight's entry by saying well done to me, three month sober. 

The ghost investigation had over twenty members of the public enjoying communication with the dead through glass divination and table tipping. My worries of nothing happening was put to bed early on when people felt things around them and the glass moved to 'Yes'. My team went to the cellar but activity was faint. It was the top floor that was the strongest area with Si's group chasing a heavy table around the dance floor. I think everyone left at 3AM happy with their evening. Now that just leaves evidence to review. 

I awoke after only four hours sleep and thought that was all I was going to get. Then I awoke again three hours later. I decided to jump in the shower and head to the cinema since I have not been for weeks. I missed my first intended film 'Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark' and instead bought a ticket for Woody Allen's 'Midnight In Paris'. I am just sat in the Bowling alley cafe awaiting my film, having sank an espresso-horrid. 
As I took the half  mile walk from where I parked I just revelled in the feeling of freedom again, not having to speak to anyone today so far. Being on my own is just ecstasy. 
One thing to mention though, last night there was a girl attending our event who had a glow to her from the first time she spoke to me. I mean that I felt a strange warmth towards her that I don't think I have ever felt before. Perhaps this is a bit of what other people enjoy when in a couple. It was a nice comforting feeling but I knew that it would never last. 
I'm too happy on my own to gamble anyway but it just made me think that I'm not all shrivelled up and cold inside just yet. Being attracted to people is something I still enjoy in the knowledge it will never go any further. 
What a miserable twat, you may well think. I kind of know what you mean but I know that with desire comes all the shite in between the nice bits. 
Long live the world of cinema where I can lose myself in romances that last ninety minutes and then walk away with doing any damage. 

Been frantically writing a lot recently. Then I bought my son two transformer toys so we have been building bases out of boxes and paying a lot. I had to take him to the doctors today to get a flu jab and was very brave for his injection and so we went to the soft play area called Big Blue Frog at Halifax. He was more able to find his way around to the top slide this time. 
Tonight is finally event night at Haworth. I look forward to it being over so I can relax about it. I think it will do the team good to have one under their belt. Then next weekend it's nothing on week so I will really chill out. 
I have to work on finalising short story for halloween competition so that I can hand it in too. 

We were called back to a local home which we visited recently due to a spirit possibly scratching the family who lived there. It didn't quite fit with the spirit we had contacted before and sure enough it turned out nothing to do with it. Hopefully the family can just ignore the deceased grandad of their son. It means no harm, only protection. 
I keep getting anxious about the weekends ghost hunt that we are running but I know it will turn out fine. 
Also I have a lot of writing to do still and yet feel guilty when I don't read 50 pages of a book I'm reading every night. Can't do everything though. 
All is calm today. My mind has finally shut up too. 

In other news my brother had an attempted break in recently and it is something I fear. I've almost nothing of value to steal but they don't know that. If I came across a burglar I believe that I would be so scared I would have to attempt to hurt them so badly that were not a threat to me. It would be my way of diffusing the situation first rather than be a victim. I worry that because this is my default setting in my home that I could end up in a prison cell one day. I'm completely non violent but this is something I know I would do when faced with a stranger in my home. 
I'd rather they knocked on my door politely and we could come to some monetary arrangement. Civilised like.  

For the second time in two years I have completed a short story from start to finish. Now I have to re read it and edit it including re write chunks. But it's a huge step having finished even a rough draft. It's been close to a one week process of taking one chapter at a time and yet tackling each chapter as if it's the first. 
But what is this bug I have always had to write anything? I did below average at school and enjoyed English but failed it. Having a passion for writing doesn't make you good. 
It's so frustrating being shit at something I love. But ignoring the finished article, I love the feeling writing gives me. It releases a chemical in a way. It exhausts me in a pleasing way.  
I will continue writing this for the foreseeable future but if not this then I will just write all the other little projects to be discovered when I am dead. 

Finishing this short story has reignited further a love of writing. My aunt is supposed to be keeping good to her word and having me help work on a story with her. Fingers crossed that should arrive this week. 

A new weeks daylight tried to wake me but failed. It was up to my clock radio to raise me from my slumber. It had been an early evening to bed in order to watch 'Carnivale' on my portable DVD player. But as soon as I sat in bed my eyes wanted sleep only. 
Damn those eyes for being in charge. 
I had to arrive at work one hour early so as to accumulate time towards dropping my son at nursery midweek. A had a long printing run on so I could take my time to wake up. By mid morning my reading of 'Empire' was proving difficult though as my mind was full of conversations that I wasn't really having. 
The most obvious topic was justifying my reasons for my marriage breakdown. In my mind I was answering to my son when he was older and that led to me also explaining to friends and family members. That evolved into hearing my friends talk between themselves about my bad points and how I'm basically full of shit and deluded as to the reasons why I do things. 
But this was all   invented by me so had no relevance. It's been going on for six hours now and so I thought if I wrote it down it might evaporate but I doubt it will. 

The catalyst may have been dropping my three year old off yesterday. He clung onto my neck and wouldnt relinquish his hold in return for his mum. It made me feel absolutely terrible. To my son it probably meant nothing more than he was tired. But to me and my overactive mind it was like a bomb. Guilt flooded into my mind as we prized him off me. I left and heard him calling 'Daddy' as I shut the door. 
I will pick him up again tonight and he will be all smiles I'm sure. I need to see that to reset the guilt button.