Do you ever stop and wonder where your life's path is taking you.
That's how I feel recently. I am wandering in a straight line but don't feel completely sure that I am on course.
I suppose I should take comfort of the fact I am NOT feeling uncomfortable with my lot.
It's probably the dark nights which bring on the reflections of the year just gone.
Also I'm becoming less busy and that means the darkness within me has more power to speak to my brain.
I must endeavour to be busier before my demons smoother me.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Disconnected
I've arrived at 7pm to see a show at 7:30. I'm sat in a so far mostly desolate auditorium to see a Facebook friend perform his 'Mentalism' show. He is a similar mind illusionist to Derrin Brown or the more local Dynamo. I've been on Jam Radio with Liam a few times as he is a friend of a ghost team colleague of mine.
I came to show him support, although I do have a strong interest in what he does and how it can help me prove the existence of spirit as we as disprove the use of fakery.
It came down to a toss up between this and seeing the new film, Stitches which stars Ross Noble. Noble was simulcasting to 125 cineworld cinemas after to do a Q and A. That sounded good but in the end, as I say, I may be able to use Liam's experience in the future.
The metal seats could be the death of my arse cheeks though. Much like they were during the cult films which were shown locally recently which I attended. The seats there were torturous.
Well there's a suitable hypnotic soundtrack looping in here as more people arrive. I guess it sets the mood. It's unfair to say its cheesy... It's necessary I would say. Although its looped once now I think, unless they all sound the same.
Under the stage curtain I have seen a pair of black shoes steadily pacing the length. I hope this has not been a reveal of a blindfold trick which is now spoilt.
You have to try and guess how these things are done , it's like the rules of illusionism etc.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Well firstly Liam just walked on to zero applause because he didn't get introduced or indeed introduce himself a la many stand up comedians. I cringed terribly on his behalf. One live wired mic and and one wireless mic which wasn't working which meant Liam had to leave the working mic and continue to cross the stage and deliver some lines without the aid of electric.
He ploughed on like a pro seemingly unfazed.
As for the mentalism itself he did his stock tricks but mixed them up with each other. Fair play to him... And my respect.
He asked one member of the audience to choose a short name which they did. It turned out to be Rosie. BUT he had actually written Rosey. Now yes that's the same name so it's impressive but misspelling it takes away the pizzaz.
He started with a ball throw into the audience which went to nobody and no one wanted to get it. CRINGE!
But then his act went on to demand about ten different volunteers. It was like pulling teeth to be honest and I just looked away.
It was a thankfully short first half.
Then behind the curtain there was music and then none. Then too loud and then too quiet. Following this was a tap on the wireless mic which was followed by "I'm sorry about that" from the venue guy.
The second half is to be about mediums and 'Victorian spiritualism'. He knows what I do and hopefully I'll enjoy that half more.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The second half consisted of more mic trouble and reluctant audience participation. I tip my hat to Liam for pursuing what he loves. I'd seen this act on Derrin brown DVDs but I still don't know how he does it.
As soon as it was over I was home again.
I felt anxiety disappearing. I had been locked in a state of tension more than I knew. I looked on Facebook and felt I was searching for human interaction in a way. My ex girlfriend had been on and I liked a couple of her posts.
I can't quite shake the feeling of social separation which I felt this evening. But then I could easily still have been married and society would still feel distant, more distant even.
I did what I always do....I put a film on. PUSHER 2. I'm tired now
I think I use films as a drug substitute to push reality away every time.
I'm starting to feel DISCONNECTED with life and others. It's probably not healthy.
I came to show him support, although I do have a strong interest in what he does and how it can help me prove the existence of spirit as we as disprove the use of fakery.
It came down to a toss up between this and seeing the new film, Stitches which stars Ross Noble. Noble was simulcasting to 125 cineworld cinemas after to do a Q and A. That sounded good but in the end, as I say, I may be able to use Liam's experience in the future.
The metal seats could be the death of my arse cheeks though. Much like they were during the cult films which were shown locally recently which I attended. The seats there were torturous.
Well there's a suitable hypnotic soundtrack looping in here as more people arrive. I guess it sets the mood. It's unfair to say its cheesy... It's necessary I would say. Although its looped once now I think, unless they all sound the same.
Under the stage curtain I have seen a pair of black shoes steadily pacing the length. I hope this has not been a reveal of a blindfold trick which is now spoilt.
You have to try and guess how these things are done , it's like the rules of illusionism etc.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Well firstly Liam just walked on to zero applause because he didn't get introduced or indeed introduce himself a la many stand up comedians. I cringed terribly on his behalf. One live wired mic and and one wireless mic which wasn't working which meant Liam had to leave the working mic and continue to cross the stage and deliver some lines without the aid of electric.
He ploughed on like a pro seemingly unfazed.
As for the mentalism itself he did his stock tricks but mixed them up with each other. Fair play to him... And my respect.
He asked one member of the audience to choose a short name which they did. It turned out to be Rosie. BUT he had actually written Rosey. Now yes that's the same name so it's impressive but misspelling it takes away the pizzaz.
He started with a ball throw into the audience which went to nobody and no one wanted to get it. CRINGE!
But then his act went on to demand about ten different volunteers. It was like pulling teeth to be honest and I just looked away.
It was a thankfully short first half.
Then behind the curtain there was music and then none. Then too loud and then too quiet. Following this was a tap on the wireless mic which was followed by "I'm sorry about that" from the venue guy.
The second half is to be about mediums and 'Victorian spiritualism'. He knows what I do and hopefully I'll enjoy that half more.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The second half consisted of more mic trouble and reluctant audience participation. I tip my hat to Liam for pursuing what he loves. I'd seen this act on Derrin brown DVDs but I still don't know how he does it.
As soon as it was over I was home again.
I felt anxiety disappearing. I had been locked in a state of tension more than I knew. I looked on Facebook and felt I was searching for human interaction in a way. My ex girlfriend had been on and I liked a couple of her posts.
I can't quite shake the feeling of social separation which I felt this evening. But then I could easily still have been married and society would still feel distant, more distant even.
I did what I always do....I put a film on. PUSHER 2. I'm tired now
I think I use films as a drug substitute to push reality away every time.
I'm starting to feel DISCONNECTED with life and others. It's probably not healthy.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Tuesday 16th October
I was walking through Bradford town just one hour after clocking out at work and I'd been home, showered and changed. Everyone else seemed to be only just exiting work onto the steadily darkening streets. There was a cold in the air and my shoulders arched to keep it out of my clothes. The drive through to town with just one speaker had been a revelation in audio enjoyment. I could listen to a podcast whilst driving.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
Tuesday 16th October
I was walking through Bradford town just one hour after clocking out at work and I'd been home, showered and changed. Everyone else seemed to be only just exiting work onto the steadily darkening streets. There was a cold in the air and my shoulders arched to keep it out of my clothes. The drive through to town with just one speaker had been a revelation in audio enjoyment. I could listen to a podcast whilst driving.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Melancholic Cyborg Love
Finally my van was given a check by the garage next-door. The strange noise which I had reported months ago had turned out to be a wheel bearing, oh and the clutch was about to collapse, oh and some of the engine was rattling on the vans body.
None of this had concerned me as much as not being able to turn on the radio without the ear splitting squeal the speakers made. But yesterday they had taken one offending speaker out and ordered me a new one.
So I drove away with one working speaker and no strange wheel bearing noise.
I was in absolute heaven. I had my music back. This means that when my new iPod touch arrives this week I will be back to my podcasts whilst journeying to and fro. Life is pretty awesome in my bubble right now.
But with the music and the having dropped off my son, the combination made me a little melancholy. Music is such a wonderful thing but it comes with a retread of memories and plays me like a guitar. Play something happy and I'm up. (Play something sad and I'm down.
Play something halfway up and I'm neither up nor down......oh that's just being silly now).
So I loved having music back, but I had to skip a few tracks (memories) on the way home.
I had to verbally tell myself out loud "oh that's enough now.....you live alone because your marriage was wrong and you have time to devote solely to your son and solely to yourself... Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
It worked for the most part.
But as I drove and thought about a LIFETIME of being alone, I remembered that I had CHOSEN to plot my life that way. So if I decided to get changed, go to a pub, get pissed and shag ANYONE, I could!
With this pressure off myself I felt free again.
If I meet a beautiful girl I could start relationships again and re-enter the world...opt back IN to society.
But in truth there is no woman, even in my fantasies who I could love. I am a loner. I've lived for thirty eight years and never NOT felt at home in someones company. On top of that I am terribly distant and fail to convey emotions or affection. It would be like they were going out with a stone.
So it's Catch 22.
Even if I changed my tune and went dating again, they would be unhappy and in return annoy me by pointing out my failings and then I would be hateful of them and myself and swear to be single forever again.
I will just cut out that unhappy circle and stay alone.
It's the best place for me.
I'm such a damn awkward person I realise. But must be true to myself and my abilities.
The sad and shallow thing is that once I get my new iPod I will forget about women again.
Electronics have always excited me more because they love me in return.
I could always shag a cyborg!!
None of this had concerned me as much as not being able to turn on the radio without the ear splitting squeal the speakers made. But yesterday they had taken one offending speaker out and ordered me a new one.
So I drove away with one working speaker and no strange wheel bearing noise.
I was in absolute heaven. I had my music back. This means that when my new iPod touch arrives this week I will be back to my podcasts whilst journeying to and fro. Life is pretty awesome in my bubble right now.
But with the music and the having dropped off my son, the combination made me a little melancholy. Music is such a wonderful thing but it comes with a retread of memories and plays me like a guitar. Play something happy and I'm up. (Play something sad and I'm down.
Play something halfway up and I'm neither up nor down......oh that's just being silly now).
So I loved having music back, but I had to skip a few tracks (memories) on the way home.
I had to verbally tell myself out loud "oh that's enough now.....you live alone because your marriage was wrong and you have time to devote solely to your son and solely to yourself... Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
It worked for the most part.
But as I drove and thought about a LIFETIME of being alone, I remembered that I had CHOSEN to plot my life that way. So if I decided to get changed, go to a pub, get pissed and shag ANYONE, I could!
With this pressure off myself I felt free again.
If I meet a beautiful girl I could start relationships again and re-enter the world...opt back IN to society.
But in truth there is no woman, even in my fantasies who I could love. I am a loner. I've lived for thirty eight years and never NOT felt at home in someones company. On top of that I am terribly distant and fail to convey emotions or affection. It would be like they were going out with a stone.
So it's Catch 22.
Even if I changed my tune and went dating again, they would be unhappy and in return annoy me by pointing out my failings and then I would be hateful of them and myself and swear to be single forever again.
I will just cut out that unhappy circle and stay alone.
It's the best place for me.
I'm such a damn awkward person I realise. But must be true to myself and my abilities.
The sad and shallow thing is that once I get my new iPod I will forget about women again.
Electronics have always excited me more because they love me in return.
I could always shag a cyborg!!
Monday, 15 October 2012
PPS and the stolen cars 2
Sunday morning. I woke in bed to a nervous feeling. The first thought was of a possible stolen car or two the previous night. My sleepy mind half dreaming a possible scenario for Monday morning as the garage men would stand conversing and scratching their heads at they pointed at the empty car spaces on the inside of a locked up yard. "looks like an inside job" the policeman would concur. "let's question everyone who has access to a key".
I was awake and so I looked on Facebook. The team congratulated themselves on a great night. I wished I was one of the ones who had merely attended the evening as a guest and could wash the stolen car story from my mind.
But no. I showered and played out further scenarios.
I wanted to shake some of the blame but whatever line of lie I spoke in my head, the policeman in my mind (also me obviously in my mind) outfoxed me.
I could shake off the thoughts for a few minutes as I told myself that there's nothing I can do about it until Monday morning.
But what then? Think goddam it think.
"Mr Whitehouse, because you opened that lock at some ungodly hour, thereby putting the BMW and Vectra at risk, you yourself will have to compensate the car owners."
FUCK.
Or....
"Chris's boss, because your employee opened up, I have no alternative but to fine your company...."
FUCK.
I envisioned myself in a prison. I was looking through the bars as my son visited me for ten minutes each month. He just sat there shaking his head slowly at me.
His only words to brake the silence being "Dad.....you cock"
I wouldn't be able to live through prison life. I watched BANGED UP ABROAD every week so knew what lay in store for me. Day in day out, working in the library and then getting buggered by Frank the double hard bastard who was leader of the wing.
I actually asked God for help.
(Look God I know I take the piss out of you sometimes and I've often said you're a cock but if you could somehow magically change the outcome of this story, I'd be so fucking happy, oh and sorry about the cursing)
But then another version of me stepped forward tearing down the scene as I dared to reach for the soap for real in the real world.
"don't talk bollocks" he said.
"All you did was go to work, you have a set of keys and are allowed to be at work at your discretion"
"cars get nicked all the time and it's not Antibes fault".
I tried to calm down. Jail now seemed far fetched.
I needed to go to work to check if I had put the alarm on in my haste to lock up.
So with a cinema double bill planned, I set off.
I turned down a road which led to work. As I approached I saw two cars now parked where the gates were. Instantly I panicked. That seems like a strange amount of activity for a Sunday at 10:11am.
Maybe the cars had been returned after they had been joyridden. That would have been a plus in a way.
I drew nearer. One of two women talking seemed to staring at my approach. I was heading to check the alarm at work but what was this? I turned right up a side street and stopped looking.
Now what? What if she recognises the van and it's peanut headed driver.
FUCK! now I was circling the fucking crime scene!
Then to make it more suspicious I was driving off.
I guess I could still say later that my journey to the cinema innocently brought me passed work. Yes that seemed fair. But what of the two ladies conversation at the moment. It had to be about last night didn't it?
As I drove off against my will in a way I thought "so so I really expect to sit and enjoy two films today?"
I pulled off and did a U turn. I had to go check the alarm RIGHT NOW.
I could always park around the corner and walk to work passed them. No...too suspicious.
I pulled up outside the work gates no more than two minutes after I saw two cars there and two women talking. But where were they? There was no one and no cars.
I looked at the gate and saw NO padlock. The women were inside the yard. I got out and noisily opened the gate and closed it again.
A woman soon looked at who it was. "oh Hi" she said in a friendly way. That relaxed me into a 'pretend you know nothing' mode.
I walked past that lady and yet from inside one of the cars I heard "excuse me!"
I instantly about faced and hurried to the open car door.
"Were you here yesterday?"
Don't lie.
"Yes i was", "did a car get stolen?" I asked.
"Oh right...no I'm so sorry, it was my car"
BOOM.
It had barely hit my brain when I seemed to deflate.
"oh my god" I blustered, "I'm SO glad it was you're car"
The lady explained that as the PPS team mate ran towards the car and yanked the door open, she just couldn't get the words 'it's my car' out of her frightened mouth.
The world seemed to impossibly fold in on itself.
Had God come good on the deal?
I felt as light as a feather. I breezed into work to turn the alarm ON. I had not activated it in my worried state the night before.
We had a brief further talk about how it's all cool now then and I was off.
"you've no idea how relieved I am!" I said.
I added "I'm going to have such a good day now"
So that was that. I smiled to myself (almost) as I drove towards Bradford. I enjoyed my cinema double bill and kept having to remind myself that I was in no trouble at all.
I would see the sky another day and my son could still look at me fondly.
And as for Frank he would have to catch some other poor victim for his bum fun.
Thanks God I owe you one....( But you are still a cock.)
I was awake and so I looked on Facebook. The team congratulated themselves on a great night. I wished I was one of the ones who had merely attended the evening as a guest and could wash the stolen car story from my mind.
But no. I showered and played out further scenarios.
I wanted to shake some of the blame but whatever line of lie I spoke in my head, the policeman in my mind (also me obviously in my mind) outfoxed me.
I could shake off the thoughts for a few minutes as I told myself that there's nothing I can do about it until Monday morning.
But what then? Think goddam it think.
"Mr Whitehouse, because you opened that lock at some ungodly hour, thereby putting the BMW and Vectra at risk, you yourself will have to compensate the car owners."
FUCK.
Or....
"Chris's boss, because your employee opened up, I have no alternative but to fine your company...."
FUCK.
I envisioned myself in a prison. I was looking through the bars as my son visited me for ten minutes each month. He just sat there shaking his head slowly at me.
His only words to brake the silence being "Dad.....you cock"
I wouldn't be able to live through prison life. I watched BANGED UP ABROAD every week so knew what lay in store for me. Day in day out, working in the library and then getting buggered by Frank the double hard bastard who was leader of the wing.
I actually asked God for help.
(Look God I know I take the piss out of you sometimes and I've often said you're a cock but if you could somehow magically change the outcome of this story, I'd be so fucking happy, oh and sorry about the cursing)
But then another version of me stepped forward tearing down the scene as I dared to reach for the soap for real in the real world.
"don't talk bollocks" he said.
"All you did was go to work, you have a set of keys and are allowed to be at work at your discretion"
"cars get nicked all the time and it's not Antibes fault".
I tried to calm down. Jail now seemed far fetched.
I needed to go to work to check if I had put the alarm on in my haste to lock up.
So with a cinema double bill planned, I set off.
I turned down a road which led to work. As I approached I saw two cars now parked where the gates were. Instantly I panicked. That seems like a strange amount of activity for a Sunday at 10:11am.
Maybe the cars had been returned after they had been joyridden. That would have been a plus in a way.
I drew nearer. One of two women talking seemed to staring at my approach. I was heading to check the alarm at work but what was this? I turned right up a side street and stopped looking.
Now what? What if she recognises the van and it's peanut headed driver.
FUCK! now I was circling the fucking crime scene!
Then to make it more suspicious I was driving off.
I guess I could still say later that my journey to the cinema innocently brought me passed work. Yes that seemed fair. But what of the two ladies conversation at the moment. It had to be about last night didn't it?
As I drove off against my will in a way I thought "so so I really expect to sit and enjoy two films today?"
I pulled off and did a U turn. I had to go check the alarm RIGHT NOW.
I could always park around the corner and walk to work passed them. No...too suspicious.
I pulled up outside the work gates no more than two minutes after I saw two cars there and two women talking. But where were they? There was no one and no cars.
I looked at the gate and saw NO padlock. The women were inside the yard. I got out and noisily opened the gate and closed it again.
A woman soon looked at who it was. "oh Hi" she said in a friendly way. That relaxed me into a 'pretend you know nothing' mode.
I walked past that lady and yet from inside one of the cars I heard "excuse me!"
I instantly about faced and hurried to the open car door.
"Were you here yesterday?"
Don't lie.
"Yes i was", "did a car get stolen?" I asked.
"Oh right...no I'm so sorry, it was my car"
BOOM.
It had barely hit my brain when I seemed to deflate.
"oh my god" I blustered, "I'm SO glad it was you're car"
The lady explained that as the PPS team mate ran towards the car and yanked the door open, she just couldn't get the words 'it's my car' out of her frightened mouth.
The world seemed to impossibly fold in on itself.
Had God come good on the deal?
I felt as light as a feather. I breezed into work to turn the alarm ON. I had not activated it in my worried state the night before.
We had a brief further talk about how it's all cool now then and I was off.
"you've no idea how relieved I am!" I said.
I added "I'm going to have such a good day now"
So that was that. I smiled to myself (almost) as I drove towards Bradford. I enjoyed my cinema double bill and kept having to remind myself that I was in no trouble at all.
I would see the sky another day and my son could still look at me fondly.
And as for Frank he would have to catch some other poor victim for his bum fun.
Thanks God I owe you one....( But you are still a cock.)
Sunday, 14 October 2012
PPS and the stolen cars 1
The weekend has been full of mini miracles, twists of fate and almost standing in dog shit. A varied existence if ever I heard of one. Firstly Friday, my son and I were having a weekend totally in, except we and to go out and let my currently ex ghost team into a building I and keys for. I arrived as punctual as ever. No one else did. I rang my friend and in a moment it all because apparent that I had got the wrong day. The white noise in my head and the blood in my eyes meant I was in a mood. The sooner my son and I got out of this dangerous and dark building, the better. I knew tomorrow I would be over it, I can never carry bad moods over through a sleep, but there were still some waking hours yet. My usual response started. That is, regretting that I had agreed to help at all. I'm such a sulker as soon as something doesn't go my way.
Sleep came and the mood evaporated.
Saturday was another great day having wars with all my sons toys out. We and our bubble and it was bliss hanging out in it as ever.
We both felt a sadness as he was summoned early by his mother as she and new family was going to Newcastle. I dealt with my feelings about that in the usual manner, I mentally turned off.
Because I had got the PPS night wrong, I had to cancel all plans I had made for the cinema.
It was my fault though so I endeavoured to make it work for me. Hey, I thought, I cill just go to the cinema on Sunday instead. In fact, why don't I watch my DVDs which are pilling up?
So I did. I had to break the evening up to go and let my old team mates in. A part of me did want to stay and felt I would be missing something, but the largest part wanted to do my new plans. I did feel uncomfortable about letting people into this building and me not being there, but surely nothing would happen.
I recovered a phone call at 9:30pm. The team had heard people outside. They had thought that someone was breaking in to their vehicles and so gone to look. Two vehicles were now gone.
I suggested that it sounded like they could have been stolen. I hung up and pondered the situation. There was no getting away from the fact that I had opened up the gates to my work and also the other garages which we share our yard with and two vehicles had been stolen. Add to this the fact that I was actually not even there. How to explain that cars were gone and yet the locks were not broken come Monday morning?
I surely had to lie in some way to lessen the blame or escape it altogether.
Could they have just been taken by their owners? It seemed a stretch because it was late at night and how would they have keys to the gates?
I made the decision to go down at closing of the little ghost event.
They had enjoyed their night which was great but all I could thin of was the trouble I was about to be in. Maybe if I told the garage that I had been there too and it was just one of those things, I would get away with having the gates open. NO. No ideas washed with a good explanation. The thing is that whilst I have brought a group in to my work before and given my boss money for it, I didn't exactly ask this time. I didn't mention it at all. Maybe I could okay it down and say "oh yes I was messing about in there alone that night". But I felt awkward saying I let a group of people I know and a group of strangers mess about in work for five hours whilst I went he and watched a film, oh and cars were stolen.
Self preservation was all I could think of. But every scenario led to the police being brought around and that would lead to me being asked if I was here that night.
I felt sick whenever I tried to wriggle out of some kind of blame. But for gods sake, I hadn't stolen the cars!!
(But i had made it easy for them. The car owners had entrusted the garage with them for a day or two and expected that they be under lock and key whilst the garage had them. )
When I went down to lock up the team told me that one of the team had heard people in the yard and so they had banged on the shutter. Then that team member had thought they were breaking into his van and so gave chase in the yard. There were two cars which sped off but not before the team member grabbed onto the door handle shouting "what the fuck are you doing?". It turned out to be lady driving the BMW and the other was a Vectra.
It sounded strange that a lady would be stealing cars but then I also was aware of what utter bitches some of them could be.
I work next to a massage parlour and so strange people and shifty comings and goings are to be expected even late at night. I clung on tightly that it could all be explained but if I'm honest I didn't believe it myself. Although one other factor comforted me slightly. No broken glass or sign of forced entry. But why speed off?
I said if I saw you running at me out of a dark building, then I'd speed off too, especially at night.
There was nothing I could do. I could just lock up and regret that I'd been so stupid as to allow people in. The truth is that even if I'd been there myself, it would still have happened but it made it worse with me being at home.
Ultimately, everyone else were not in any trouble. I was the only person having to explain how this had occurred and try as I might I struggled to come up with a lie.
Music was going to have to be faced on Monday morning.
Sleep came and the mood evaporated.
Saturday was another great day having wars with all my sons toys out. We and our bubble and it was bliss hanging out in it as ever.
We both felt a sadness as he was summoned early by his mother as she and new family was going to Newcastle. I dealt with my feelings about that in the usual manner, I mentally turned off.
Because I had got the PPS night wrong, I had to cancel all plans I had made for the cinema.
It was my fault though so I endeavoured to make it work for me. Hey, I thought, I cill just go to the cinema on Sunday instead. In fact, why don't I watch my DVDs which are pilling up?
So I did. I had to break the evening up to go and let my old team mates in. A part of me did want to stay and felt I would be missing something, but the largest part wanted to do my new plans. I did feel uncomfortable about letting people into this building and me not being there, but surely nothing would happen.
I recovered a phone call at 9:30pm. The team had heard people outside. They had thought that someone was breaking in to their vehicles and so gone to look. Two vehicles were now gone.
I suggested that it sounded like they could have been stolen. I hung up and pondered the situation. There was no getting away from the fact that I had opened up the gates to my work and also the other garages which we share our yard with and two vehicles had been stolen. Add to this the fact that I was actually not even there. How to explain that cars were gone and yet the locks were not broken come Monday morning?
I surely had to lie in some way to lessen the blame or escape it altogether.
Could they have just been taken by their owners? It seemed a stretch because it was late at night and how would they have keys to the gates?
I made the decision to go down at closing of the little ghost event.
They had enjoyed their night which was great but all I could thin of was the trouble I was about to be in. Maybe if I told the garage that I had been there too and it was just one of those things, I would get away with having the gates open. NO. No ideas washed with a good explanation. The thing is that whilst I have brought a group in to my work before and given my boss money for it, I didn't exactly ask this time. I didn't mention it at all. Maybe I could okay it down and say "oh yes I was messing about in there alone that night". But I felt awkward saying I let a group of people I know and a group of strangers mess about in work for five hours whilst I went he and watched a film, oh and cars were stolen.
Self preservation was all I could think of. But every scenario led to the police being brought around and that would lead to me being asked if I was here that night.
I felt sick whenever I tried to wriggle out of some kind of blame. But for gods sake, I hadn't stolen the cars!!
(But i had made it easy for them. The car owners had entrusted the garage with them for a day or two and expected that they be under lock and key whilst the garage had them. )
When I went down to lock up the team told me that one of the team had heard people in the yard and so they had banged on the shutter. Then that team member had thought they were breaking into his van and so gave chase in the yard. There were two cars which sped off but not before the team member grabbed onto the door handle shouting "what the fuck are you doing?". It turned out to be lady driving the BMW and the other was a Vectra.
It sounded strange that a lady would be stealing cars but then I also was aware of what utter bitches some of them could be.
I work next to a massage parlour and so strange people and shifty comings and goings are to be expected even late at night. I clung on tightly that it could all be explained but if I'm honest I didn't believe it myself. Although one other factor comforted me slightly. No broken glass or sign of forced entry. But why speed off?
I said if I saw you running at me out of a dark building, then I'd speed off too, especially at night.
There was nothing I could do. I could just lock up and regret that I'd been so stupid as to allow people in. The truth is that even if I'd been there myself, it would still have happened but it made it worse with me being at home.
Ultimately, everyone else were not in any trouble. I was the only person having to explain how this had occurred and try as I might I struggled to come up with a lie.
Music was going to have to be faced on Monday morning.
Friday 12th October
I awoke with that Friday feeling which is .....'oh it's Friday today'. I just had enough work to stretch me for the hours I had to work. One great bit of news is that it looks like my van faults will be fixed next week because someone else drove it and said it sounded funny and the radio is broken. My boss suggested I had not let him know but I think in the end he was convinced otherwise. Whatever...I just want my stereo working.
I went to jam radio and tried to complete the next two weeks shows but was slowed down by a fellow presenter putting up balloons in the recording room where I was trying to work. I kept polite because I had tomorrows show in the bag already so I will just return to sort next weeks later.
I went to jam radio and tried to complete the next two weeks shows but was slowed down by a fellow presenter putting up balloons in the recording room where I was trying to work. I kept polite because I had tomorrows show in the bag already so I will just return to sort next weeks later.
Friday, 12 October 2012
Thursday 11th October
Thursday 11th October
In the morning, my son and I left my house for the school run five whole minutes early. We posted my Lovefilm disc back and set off on surprisingly quiet roads to his school. Mid journey we hit traffic lights in Denholme which held us there for ten minutes thus undoing any good in setting off so well. Although we would have been MORE delayed of we hadn't set off early. God was undoubtably laughing as he ate his breakfast and stared down at this kick to the human testicles.
I still completed my journey back to work on time due to my knowledge of our local English hillbilly back roads. Who needs a Sat Nav?
Once the shackles of work were broken free, I flew home (I didn't, I drove) and then shot (drove) back to the radio station. I had a guest in for this weekends show and we chatted so much about the top ten and news that I had two shows worth. BUT, with everything I do it always comes out at forty percent of what I expected.
So I was dismayed as usual to hear my guest perfectly clearly through my headphones but sounding distant on the recording. But by the time I was cutting the show together, my guest had gone. Not only that but it wasn't something that could be done the same again.
So I've had to roll with it. But I do feel annoyed at myself. It all comes down to a tiny REC button which only comes into play when a guest is present and it's not something I was shown in studio training. It's something I've fallen foul of.
But I always learn better from messing up as I don't forget it.
But now I have to cringe and squirm through the next two broadcasts before I can redeem my show. Not that it's ever without faults.
I couldn't delete the show for another reason. My guest actually used the phrase "any hoo" without any humour.
That just has to be broadcast. Classic.
My evening was rounded off by watching The Cabin In The Woods for the second time. It's so clever that I love that film.
Then I slept.
In the morning, my son and I left my house for the school run five whole minutes early. We posted my Lovefilm disc back and set off on surprisingly quiet roads to his school. Mid journey we hit traffic lights in Denholme which held us there for ten minutes thus undoing any good in setting off so well. Although we would have been MORE delayed of we hadn't set off early. God was undoubtably laughing as he ate his breakfast and stared down at this kick to the human testicles.
I still completed my journey back to work on time due to my knowledge of our local English hillbilly back roads. Who needs a Sat Nav?
Once the shackles of work were broken free, I flew home (I didn't, I drove) and then shot (drove) back to the radio station. I had a guest in for this weekends show and we chatted so much about the top ten and news that I had two shows worth. BUT, with everything I do it always comes out at forty percent of what I expected.
So I was dismayed as usual to hear my guest perfectly clearly through my headphones but sounding distant on the recording. But by the time I was cutting the show together, my guest had gone. Not only that but it wasn't something that could be done the same again.
So I've had to roll with it. But I do feel annoyed at myself. It all comes down to a tiny REC button which only comes into play when a guest is present and it's not something I was shown in studio training. It's something I've fallen foul of.
But I always learn better from messing up as I don't forget it.
But now I have to cringe and squirm through the next two broadcasts before I can redeem my show. Not that it's ever without faults.
I couldn't delete the show for another reason. My guest actually used the phrase "any hoo" without any humour.
That just has to be broadcast. Classic.
My evening was rounded off by watching The Cabin In The Woods for the second time. It's so clever that I love that film.
Then I slept.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Wednesday (wrote Mr Kipling)
Wednesday. I got away with delivering for the last hour of work which is always a bonus. It would be more so if the damn radio wasn't broken. It's been about a year since it started to shriek when it was on. It wouldn't go off even if you turned the radio off. In fact the only solution to stop the infernal screech was to stop the engine of the van and start up again. Because the radio is not an integral part of the vehicle, the boss understandably couldn't give a flying fuck.
I am allowed to mention it upon it's next service.
I collected the greatest person in my life from his school and we journeyed towards our home. (we call it OUR home as we both like it that way)
Traffic lights in denholme delayed our travels by twenty minutes. He was kept occupied by my ipod and I had to stare at cows and cars.
We had a pit stop (or should I say shit stop as he needed the loo) at my mums to drop a present off and then we made it home about six pm.
The dark nights seemed closer this evening. How long before rain, sleet or snow?
With one of his feet across the house threshold he started "right dad, you be.. And I'll be...."
The games commenced. Vampires, superheroes and giants were all roles which I inhabited with full vigour.
With food in our bellies and games done, we sat and watched cartoons until it was pyjama time. This also meant it was story time. He opted for one downstairs and one in bed by torchlight. We only managed half of 'Pirate Penguins and the Sardines of Doom' before he said enough and went to sleep.
And so once he was off I could watch 'Re-Cycle' which I was told was like a cross between Labyrinth and The Ring. That was a spot on verdict. Except it was quite dull.
Then it was my turn to go up the wooden hills to bedfordshire.
I am allowed to mention it upon it's next service.
I collected the greatest person in my life from his school and we journeyed towards our home. (we call it OUR home as we both like it that way)
Traffic lights in denholme delayed our travels by twenty minutes. He was kept occupied by my ipod and I had to stare at cows and cars.
We had a pit stop (or should I say shit stop as he needed the loo) at my mums to drop a present off and then we made it home about six pm.
The dark nights seemed closer this evening. How long before rain, sleet or snow?
With one of his feet across the house threshold he started "right dad, you be.. And I'll be...."
The games commenced. Vampires, superheroes and giants were all roles which I inhabited with full vigour.
With food in our bellies and games done, we sat and watched cartoons until it was pyjama time. This also meant it was story time. He opted for one downstairs and one in bed by torchlight. We only managed half of 'Pirate Penguins and the Sardines of Doom' before he said enough and went to sleep.
And so once he was off I could watch 'Re-Cycle' which I was told was like a cross between Labyrinth and The Ring. That was a spot on verdict. Except it was quite dull.
Then it was my turn to go up the wooden hills to bedfordshire.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Tuesday 9th October
Tuesday was a day off from needing to do anything and I had plans to finish work and head to Bradford to go to a different cinema to see a crazy film called HOLY MOTORS. The coldness of the morning had put that in doubt as I realised I would have to park in my usual spot and walk across town to this alternative cinema. Also I would have to pay full ticket price.
This caused my change of plans. Instead I decided that I would leave work and have a nice uninterrupted evening at home. And so it was that I finished watching the end of PULSE, the end of a programme about musician Jeff Lynne and write a review or too. I enjoyed eating my tea also and wrote some other bits on the iPad. Tiredness crept up on me as I had avoided coffee much more than usual.
One thing I did of note was finally give in to the temptation and pre ordered my new iPod generation 5. The one I currently use is only a generation 2 and it doesn't have a camera for one thing, but for another, ever since I dropped it and the screen shattered, it hadn't worked great. The repair man used double sided sticky tape to fix it and this pressure may have helped towards the head phone jack not working any longer.
So, no camera like the more recent models, no headphone use and no modern apps because it can't handle having the latest versions.
It's fair to say that it's served me well.
I'd like to think it'll still get used but I suspect that when I get a new one, this one will be forgotten like a ginger one night stand.
I went to bed and purposely left my iPad downstairs so that I didn't drag out my early night by listening to any podcasts etc.
I feel better today for some extended rest.
I dreamt about kristen Stewart a little but she was a younger version. I'd flicked past her in an early film during the weekend and this must've registered.
I mention this to just say that even in my dream...she looked miserable with her trademark frown.
This caused my change of plans. Instead I decided that I would leave work and have a nice uninterrupted evening at home. And so it was that I finished watching the end of PULSE, the end of a programme about musician Jeff Lynne and write a review or too. I enjoyed eating my tea also and wrote some other bits on the iPad. Tiredness crept up on me as I had avoided coffee much more than usual.
One thing I did of note was finally give in to the temptation and pre ordered my new iPod generation 5. The one I currently use is only a generation 2 and it doesn't have a camera for one thing, but for another, ever since I dropped it and the screen shattered, it hadn't worked great. The repair man used double sided sticky tape to fix it and this pressure may have helped towards the head phone jack not working any longer.
So, no camera like the more recent models, no headphone use and no modern apps because it can't handle having the latest versions.
It's fair to say that it's served me well.
I'd like to think it'll still get used but I suspect that when I get a new one, this one will be forgotten like a ginger one night stand.
I went to bed and purposely left my iPad downstairs so that I didn't drag out my early night by listening to any podcasts etc.
I feel better today for some extended rest.
I dreamt about kristen Stewart a little but she was a younger version. I'd flicked past her in an early film during the weekend and this must've registered.
I mention this to just say that even in my dream...she looked miserable with her trademark frown.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
The Void 2
Dear The Void,
It's me again. I took the evening off tonight to gestate on a few trinkets of feelings and ideas which have been rattling in my head of late. Sometimes I need to just stop and let all the moving parts settle. So that's what tonight was. Even my seemingly slow paced life can move enough to make it seem like I am missing some vital piece of information. What I gleamed from tonight is how I miss music in my life since some audio components in both my home and my van have broken. All will be righted sooner or later.
Music is food for the soul. Tonight I posted my 21st track which I have made, on to Soundcloud as Chriswhitehouse1. It feels good to spew out anything which I have created as it comforts me that my time has been given towards something I can quantify. It gives my life worth.
I am alone in my home with the world at my fingertips. By that I also mean that because the world is at my fingertips, that would also mean the world is at 'arms length' which is the best place for it. I like to dip my toe into it once in a while but I generally find it too cold to enjoy for long. Coffee consumption is making me dehydrated and also not giving me the required sleep I need. My nights have crept earlier recently since resting my ghost hunting efforts and the rewards are starting to be felt physically. Of course my energies are ultimately put into something else. I'm never just twiddling my thumbs.
I'm still single. Still happy in myself and still sober and drugs less.
Of course I probably haven't become any better at relationships in the intervening months because nobody has put me to the test. But that is a door that remains closed. The scars of closeness are not something I feel I want to pick at yet, or ever.
I am trying to be a better person from day to day and I believe I'm doing well, just as long as its on my terms.
Thanks for listening
CW
It's me again. I took the evening off tonight to gestate on a few trinkets of feelings and ideas which have been rattling in my head of late. Sometimes I need to just stop and let all the moving parts settle. So that's what tonight was. Even my seemingly slow paced life can move enough to make it seem like I am missing some vital piece of information. What I gleamed from tonight is how I miss music in my life since some audio components in both my home and my van have broken. All will be righted sooner or later.
Music is food for the soul. Tonight I posted my 21st track which I have made, on to Soundcloud as Chriswhitehouse1. It feels good to spew out anything which I have created as it comforts me that my time has been given towards something I can quantify. It gives my life worth.
I am alone in my home with the world at my fingertips. By that I also mean that because the world is at my fingertips, that would also mean the world is at 'arms length' which is the best place for it. I like to dip my toe into it once in a while but I generally find it too cold to enjoy for long. Coffee consumption is making me dehydrated and also not giving me the required sleep I need. My nights have crept earlier recently since resting my ghost hunting efforts and the rewards are starting to be felt physically. Of course my energies are ultimately put into something else. I'm never just twiddling my thumbs.
I'm still single. Still happy in myself and still sober and drugs less.
Of course I probably haven't become any better at relationships in the intervening months because nobody has put me to the test. But that is a door that remains closed. The scars of closeness are not something I feel I want to pick at yet, or ever.
I am trying to be a better person from day to day and I believe I'm doing well, just as long as its on my terms.
Thanks for listening
CW
Monday 8th OCT 2012
Well Monday at work was much like any other. Steady.
But once it was time to leave, the race began.
I flew over to collect my son from school and have him for just a few hours. Now that he has a tea of sorts at school, it really messes with my feeding him. So I have to present him with puddings which makes me look a bit careless. All the kids leave from having their tea with it all over their faces. It surprises me that no teachers etc clean them up. So when you get your child, there is congealed food on their cheeks.
Once I had played vampires with my boy and done some game where whatever we drew came to life, we headed back to his so I could give my stepson further drum lessons. I had a job to do first though. I had to change the bulb in the garage even though the new guy was obviously in the house. It's all a bit weird... But for the best.
So we had a good lesson and my son played on the iPod with us in the garage. Then I drove home and finally rested for the evening. I watched Pulse the USA version and went to bed.
So there's another long Monday done for another week.
My next concern of the week is the dreaded school run on Thursday morning. I'll relax until then.
But once it was time to leave, the race began.
I flew over to collect my son from school and have him for just a few hours. Now that he has a tea of sorts at school, it really messes with my feeding him. So I have to present him with puddings which makes me look a bit careless. All the kids leave from having their tea with it all over their faces. It surprises me that no teachers etc clean them up. So when you get your child, there is congealed food on their cheeks.
Once I had played vampires with my boy and done some game where whatever we drew came to life, we headed back to his so I could give my stepson further drum lessons. I had a job to do first though. I had to change the bulb in the garage even though the new guy was obviously in the house. It's all a bit weird... But for the best.
So we had a good lesson and my son played on the iPod with us in the garage. Then I drove home and finally rested for the evening. I watched Pulse the USA version and went to bed.
So there's another long Monday done for another week.
My next concern of the week is the dreaded school run on Thursday morning. I'll relax until then.
Monday, 8 October 2012
Sunday 7 th OCT
I awoke at 8AM and went on the iPad in bed. After seeing that nothing of interest had occurred in the hours since I'd slept, I messed about on Korg app and made some music until 9.
I seem to remember blogging too.
Once I got up I watched Red Dwarf series 10 until my stepson got up. When he finally Rose, we played golf. I had the notion that I was going to beat him at golf but I was wrong.
Before I knew it, it was time for he and I to go to the radio station for us to record a few soundbites and compile some music only shows for whenever they are needed. It was an enjoyable hour plus.
The next main event of the day after dropping my stepson home again, was for me to go watch SINISTER at the cinema. It was up there with the best horrors of the year but it's not been the best year for horror.
I rushed home from there with a ravenous hunger.
I threw food together and watched Kairo, which is a creepy Japanese horror which translates as PULSE.
By this time of night, I was gargling salt water. I had noticed a sore Tongue on Saturday morning.
By Sunday I could see ulcers. I had enjoyed far too little sleep during the last week and this was to be the penalty.
It was a good weekend overall. My stepson coming to mine does always bring the pain of having broken up from my marriage closer though.
I asked about her new bloke and immediately wished I hadn't.
I'm happiest in ignorance I think.
As usual, in my own bubble where I can control all the elements. It's always when I try to make others happy that I slip up.
I must remember that.
I seem to remember blogging too.
Once I got up I watched Red Dwarf series 10 until my stepson got up. When he finally Rose, we played golf. I had the notion that I was going to beat him at golf but I was wrong.
Before I knew it, it was time for he and I to go to the radio station for us to record a few soundbites and compile some music only shows for whenever they are needed. It was an enjoyable hour plus.
The next main event of the day after dropping my stepson home again, was for me to go watch SINISTER at the cinema. It was up there with the best horrors of the year but it's not been the best year for horror.
I rushed home from there with a ravenous hunger.
I threw food together and watched Kairo, which is a creepy Japanese horror which translates as PULSE.
By this time of night, I was gargling salt water. I had noticed a sore Tongue on Saturday morning.
By Sunday I could see ulcers. I had enjoyed far too little sleep during the last week and this was to be the penalty.
It was a good weekend overall. My stepson coming to mine does always bring the pain of having broken up from my marriage closer though.
I asked about her new bloke and immediately wished I hadn't.
I'm happiest in ignorance I think.
As usual, in my own bubble where I can control all the elements. It's always when I try to make others happy that I slip up.
I must remember that.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Saturday 6th October
I awoke to the sound of my son shouting that he was having a poo. It is actually quite a historic moment actually as this was the first time he hasn't shouted for me to take him so it was a vast improvement. He also went back to bed himself for a bit.
But later, once light had broken into his room, he came in with me to play the ipad in my bed. It didn't take long for him find BAD PIGGIES game and then start asking for my help as I lay bleary eyed. As we supposedly took it in turns building wooden carts to complete the levels, he decided he would demand I do my turn a certain way, to which I responded "wait for your turn in about thirty seconds".
The next thing I find is him getting angry and stabbing his finger towards the screen shouting "NOOOO".
I turned off the ipad and placed him back in his bedroom. He lost his temper for a bit and so I ignored him for longer. This happened three times throughout the day, with him losing his rag over something stupid.
The day had been built around my taking him to the IMAX 3-D showing of HUBBLE. We raced their and I payed the £15 for us both to see the forty minute film. After missing the first minute or so, we took our seat. He reached out at the screen trying to catch the supposedly floating images. Then he was asking how long was left and saying that he didn't want to watch it anymore. I held him off for another ten minutes. Then he needed a wee and so I had no choice but to take him. Upon finishing at the loo he told me that he didn't want to go back in. Annoyed a little, but not really showing it, we looked around the rest of the museum. Tiredness was amazing him cranky again later, as was his massive swollen finger end which he is on antibiotics for. He got teary as he had to go home too which made him kick off with me and which in turn made him more tired.
Once home, he begrudgingly went in. I did my best to shut out how it made me feel and picked up my stepson.
We went and bought a second playstation controller and played a little Modern Warefare 3 and then Tiger Woods, which he won most of. He seemed in good spirits and that's all that mattered (I lie....I hate losing). Then watched Jackass 2 and kinda did whatever till I called bedtime. I was shattered after the previous week. As I lay in bed I listened to my show which I had filled in for someone else on and my own show which had a different dj filling in for me on. It had made a change but I will be happy to return to my rightful show next week.
Hopefully Sunday will be more of a restful day.
But later, once light had broken into his room, he came in with me to play the ipad in my bed. It didn't take long for him find BAD PIGGIES game and then start asking for my help as I lay bleary eyed. As we supposedly took it in turns building wooden carts to complete the levels, he decided he would demand I do my turn a certain way, to which I responded "wait for your turn in about thirty seconds".
The next thing I find is him getting angry and stabbing his finger towards the screen shouting "NOOOO".
I turned off the ipad and placed him back in his bedroom. He lost his temper for a bit and so I ignored him for longer. This happened three times throughout the day, with him losing his rag over something stupid.
The day had been built around my taking him to the IMAX 3-D showing of HUBBLE. We raced their and I payed the £15 for us both to see the forty minute film. After missing the first minute or so, we took our seat. He reached out at the screen trying to catch the supposedly floating images. Then he was asking how long was left and saying that he didn't want to watch it anymore. I held him off for another ten minutes. Then he needed a wee and so I had no choice but to take him. Upon finishing at the loo he told me that he didn't want to go back in. Annoyed a little, but not really showing it, we looked around the rest of the museum. Tiredness was amazing him cranky again later, as was his massive swollen finger end which he is on antibiotics for. He got teary as he had to go home too which made him kick off with me and which in turn made him more tired.
Once home, he begrudgingly went in. I did my best to shut out how it made me feel and picked up my stepson.
We went and bought a second playstation controller and played a little Modern Warefare 3 and then Tiger Woods, which he won most of. He seemed in good spirits and that's all that mattered (I lie....I hate losing). Then watched Jackass 2 and kinda did whatever till I called bedtime. I was shattered after the previous week. As I lay in bed I listened to my show which I had filled in for someone else on and my own show which had a different dj filling in for me on. It had made a change but I will be happy to return to my rightful show next week.
Hopefully Sunday will be more of a restful day.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
The void 1
Dear Void,
You don't know me because I am a shadow. I slip through the cracks of society and am hidden in plain sight. I feel that at 38 I have opted out of the usual life choices. I obsessed about relationships and loneliness to breaking point and once I was faced with my marriage breaking down against my will, I did a u turn and went with the tide. I ended up throwing in the towel because I had heard enough threats of being left.
I am not saying any more about that here.
From that moment I regressed/evolved to a mental state which gave me the mindset that I NEVER want to share my soul with another human being. No relationships at all with women. I will die single. In my head I will always be married and my (ex) wife, step children and son will always be my one and only family. To get remarried would devalue that first marriage.
I don't know where my NEED to be in a relationship came from in the first half of my life. I also don't understand how it fit alongside my NEED to be alone in my own space.
Now that I've had time to reflect it seems like I need people to know I exist. But I'm terrible company. I'm completely happy when I'm alone and in full control of what I'm doing. The exception is my son who has given me courage and strength beyond my wildest dreams.
I accept my failings where others don't, but I still struggle to make sense of them. But these days I have the courage to stick to the path that my inner self dictates. It doesn't matter who doesn't 'get' me or my needs. I will die having lived by my rules of attaining happiness and that's what is important to me. Society is a crowd of sheep who are still struggling with their own desires. I am different because I have worked out what makes me happy and that is why I am viewed as 'different' or 'socially awkward'.
I look forward to chatting to you void, in the future.
Thanks for listening.
CW
You don't know me because I am a shadow. I slip through the cracks of society and am hidden in plain sight. I feel that at 38 I have opted out of the usual life choices. I obsessed about relationships and loneliness to breaking point and once I was faced with my marriage breaking down against my will, I did a u turn and went with the tide. I ended up throwing in the towel because I had heard enough threats of being left.
I am not saying any more about that here.
From that moment I regressed/evolved to a mental state which gave me the mindset that I NEVER want to share my soul with another human being. No relationships at all with women. I will die single. In my head I will always be married and my (ex) wife, step children and son will always be my one and only family. To get remarried would devalue that first marriage.
I don't know where my NEED to be in a relationship came from in the first half of my life. I also don't understand how it fit alongside my NEED to be alone in my own space.
Now that I've had time to reflect it seems like I need people to know I exist. But I'm terrible company. I'm completely happy when I'm alone and in full control of what I'm doing. The exception is my son who has given me courage and strength beyond my wildest dreams.
I accept my failings where others don't, but I still struggle to make sense of them. But these days I have the courage to stick to the path that my inner self dictates. It doesn't matter who doesn't 'get' me or my needs. I will die having lived by my rules of attaining happiness and that's what is important to me. Society is a crowd of sheep who are still struggling with their own desires. I am different because I have worked out what makes me happy and that is why I am viewed as 'different' or 'socially awkward'.
I look forward to chatting to you void, in the future.
Thanks for listening.
CW
The same old blog.
The clock reads 4:57AM. I woke up at 3:00AM. I kind of expected this would happen since I went to bed at 8:45PM. After my cinema double bill, I had a bad headache (aren't all headaches bad? Hence the word ache!) and yawned which told me I was over tired and perhaps dehydrated from coffee consumption. Which ever was the cause, an early night was to be the best medicine. But at 3am I finally dared to look at the clock. I expected that it was neatly time to rise but my six hours sleep had infact only got me to the small hours. So I decided to listen to some podcasts as I lay still in pretend sleep. I truly believe you can be rested from not moving about a lot and just mimicking sleep. It's all REST right?
But after a couple of hours I shut off the ipad and laid down in the dark.it took maybe two minutes for me to give in to my minds decision to write this blog. The world feels like its on still pause at this hour. It was only last Sunday morning that I did this exact same thing as I wrote my review of Resident Evil 5 at some ungodly hour. If I'm no longer tired, then I may as well do something constructive.
I've nearly reached 4500 views with this blog and I still have little clue who reads it. I imagine 99% of people stumble on it by words they are searching for, such as The Whitehouse in Washington or something and end up with my swearing.
It continues to be very therapeutic for me, even though a downside is that my diary entires get diluted because I don't want to write all this twice. After watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower I am inspired to write entires to the openness of space like the letters that a character writes which all start "Dear Friend..." I do write this blog to no one in particular as it is but to start each entry in a way which is headed as a confessional or as if I'm confiding in some one close, is probably going to be beneficial. The hardest part is not writing the same woe is me or I love my son entires every time. While its fair to,say that the same thoughts and feelings do permeate each one of us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis, its probably quite dull to read over and over. But as I say I do fail to change things up.
I am happy that I still do write on here at all as well as keep a diary still. I only give 80% of myself though due to not including information which would be unfair on other people. My marriage failure for example deserves respect and therefore is out of bounds for ten years.
It will fuel twenty years of writing though one day.
But for now you will just have to put up with the same thoughts that I have.
Thanks for reading.
But after a couple of hours I shut off the ipad and laid down in the dark.it took maybe two minutes for me to give in to my minds decision to write this blog. The world feels like its on still pause at this hour. It was only last Sunday morning that I did this exact same thing as I wrote my review of Resident Evil 5 at some ungodly hour. If I'm no longer tired, then I may as well do something constructive.
I've nearly reached 4500 views with this blog and I still have little clue who reads it. I imagine 99% of people stumble on it by words they are searching for, such as The Whitehouse in Washington or something and end up with my swearing.
It continues to be very therapeutic for me, even though a downside is that my diary entires get diluted because I don't want to write all this twice. After watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower I am inspired to write entires to the openness of space like the letters that a character writes which all start "Dear Friend..." I do write this blog to no one in particular as it is but to start each entry in a way which is headed as a confessional or as if I'm confiding in some one close, is probably going to be beneficial. The hardest part is not writing the same woe is me or I love my son entires every time. While its fair to,say that the same thoughts and feelings do permeate each one of us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis, its probably quite dull to read over and over. But as I say I do fail to change things up.
I am happy that I still do write on here at all as well as keep a diary still. I only give 80% of myself though due to not including information which would be unfair on other people. My marriage failure for example deserves respect and therefore is out of bounds for ten years.
It will fuel twenty years of writing though one day.
But for now you will just have to put up with the same thoughts that I have.
Thanks for reading.
Double Bill tonight
I was all set to have my third visitor in one week tonight which would have been a record, but they've cancelled. So now after I've delivered for work, I will head to watch TAKEN 2 and the THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER. A double bill on a Thursday is sure to make my cinema visits unnecessary through the week.
My stepson is staying at mine on Saturday night and so my visitors record will be broken then. I look forward to hanging out with him.
Im surprised it's come round to being the weekend already. Not complaining though. I was relieved this morning as I completed my hour round trip school run which I have to do each week. Everyone is wanting to get somewhere fast and yet is stuck in traffic because they won't let anyone out in front.
This weekend I told my son that we would go and see a 3-D thing at the IMAX. He's watched a 3-D tv in a shop but hasn't seen IMAX yet. They also have one of those shuttle looking things that move, but has a screen inside. They usually have a roller coaster film inside. I think he'll like that too.
I keep trying to do stuff with him that's inexpensive but still fun.
I hope you are doing something good.
My stepson is staying at mine on Saturday night and so my visitors record will be broken then. I look forward to hanging out with him.
Im surprised it's come round to being the weekend already. Not complaining though. I was relieved this morning as I completed my hour round trip school run which I have to do each week. Everyone is wanting to get somewhere fast and yet is stuck in traffic because they won't let anyone out in front.
This weekend I told my son that we would go and see a 3-D thing at the IMAX. He's watched a 3-D tv in a shop but hasn't seen IMAX yet. They also have one of those shuttle looking things that move, but has a screen inside. They usually have a roller coaster film inside. I think he'll like that too.
I keep trying to do stuff with him that's inexpensive but still fun.
I hope you are doing something good.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Wednesday / further reading
Ah, Wednesday, tent pole of the week. The point between weekends where the morning is a climb from Monday morning and the afternoon rolls towards Thursday (the unofficial start of the weekend).
Last night was spent down at jam-radio training a duo to use the studio in order to make a weekly show of their own. It was good because I learnt a few things myself.
Then once home, I plied myself with a plate of food and watched 'Splintered'. I horror film do wooden that o wondered if that had inspired the title of werewolves in Wales. 11pm crept up on me once again as I listened to podcasts in bed with the twins(two hot water bottles).
What will today hold for me? My son from school to stay at mine later and until then, printing and checking Facebook probably.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
If you wish to read something more factual and reflective which I've written then I would search this blog for A WEEK IN MY LIFE where I keep analysing a week out of past diaries and seeing what can be learnt from then, to now.
Another one is long over due actually.
I don't come any closer to NOW than 2000 though as it's 'too soon'.
Last night was spent down at jam-radio training a duo to use the studio in order to make a weekly show of their own. It was good because I learnt a few things myself.
Then once home, I plied myself with a plate of food and watched 'Splintered'. I horror film do wooden that o wondered if that had inspired the title of werewolves in Wales. 11pm crept up on me once again as I listened to podcasts in bed with the twins(two hot water bottles).
What will today hold for me? My son from school to stay at mine later and until then, printing and checking Facebook probably.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
If you wish to read something more factual and reflective which I've written then I would search this blog for A WEEK IN MY LIFE where I keep analysing a week out of past diaries and seeing what can be learnt from then, to now.
Another one is long over due actually.
I don't come any closer to NOW than 2000 though as it's 'too soon'.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Tuesday at work
Tuesday, the most pointless day of the week. Not yet midweek and too near monday to feel like you've made headway.
Plans to finish watching Game Of Thrones were scuppered. I had a friend call, which was still good be wise we played Modern Warfare 3 online.
It was 11pm when I squeezed in listening to a friend present a different show on jam-radio than normal. Then sleep was a must. The two hot water bottles I bought at the weekend stood in for the lack of a partner in warming my bed up (I mean for the heat, I didn't have sex with them), and they were still hot this morning when I got up for work.
I struggled with my machine trying to print a single colour job. In the end a workmate did it on his machine. Even after twenty us years doing this job I still get tricky jobs. The difference is that nowadays I stop and try to do it better whereas before I just let it run.
As much as I'm happy at work, the concept is still strange to me. My workmates and I have spent years together for hours on end. Where they sometimes describe us all as 'friends', I do not.
Do they not appreciate that I get paid handsomely for being in their company and if I didn't, then I simply wouldn't. It's not like I go round their houses at the weekend, buy them Xmas presents or would urinate on them if they were indeed, engulfed in flames.
Plans to finish watching Game Of Thrones were scuppered. I had a friend call, which was still good be wise we played Modern Warfare 3 online.
It was 11pm when I squeezed in listening to a friend present a different show on jam-radio than normal. Then sleep was a must. The two hot water bottles I bought at the weekend stood in for the lack of a partner in warming my bed up (I mean for the heat, I didn't have sex with them), and they were still hot this morning when I got up for work.
I struggled with my machine trying to print a single colour job. In the end a workmate did it on his machine. Even after twenty us years doing this job I still get tricky jobs. The difference is that nowadays I stop and try to do it better whereas before I just let it run.
As much as I'm happy at work, the concept is still strange to me. My workmates and I have spent years together for hours on end. Where they sometimes describe us all as 'friends', I do not.
Do they not appreciate that I get paid handsomely for being in their company and if I didn't, then I simply wouldn't. It's not like I go round their houses at the weekend, buy them Xmas presents or would urinate on them if they were indeed, engulfed in flames.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Monday 1st October 2012
Well Monday happened as usual. The morning alarm went off too early, or at least that's what it felt like.
I'm good at getting up though and so after my ten minutes were up I threw back the covers and stood up.
That is the action of 'getting up' that people struggle with and it took all of one second. Once stood, you are left with no other option but to complete getting dressed and washed. So as long as you simply stand up next to your bed, the rest will take care of itself.
Work was steady as ever. I'm happy at work and so Sunday blues are something I don't suffer from. Going to work is a pleasure more than a headache. I've had one days holiday in 2012 and even on that day I kinda regretted that I was taking it.
That's all weird, when I think about it but I'm happy I feel like that, most people don't.
After my working day I dropped a birthday present off at a family members and sped off to collect his royal highness..my son. I have to wait for him to eat his tea before he comes out so I have ten minutes here and there to write this or whatever.
I'm good at getting up though and so after my ten minutes were up I threw back the covers and stood up.
That is the action of 'getting up' that people struggle with and it took all of one second. Once stood, you are left with no other option but to complete getting dressed and washed. So as long as you simply stand up next to your bed, the rest will take care of itself.
Work was steady as ever. I'm happy at work and so Sunday blues are something I don't suffer from. Going to work is a pleasure more than a headache. I've had one days holiday in 2012 and even on that day I kinda regretted that I was taking it.
That's all weird, when I think about it but I'm happy I feel like that, most people don't.
After my working day I dropped a birthday present off at a family members and sped off to collect his royal highness..my son. I have to wait for him to eat his tea before he comes out so I have ten minutes here and there to write this or whatever.
I can be normal
The weekend held many treasures. Amongst them was swimming with my boy, playing vampires with him also in Halloween costumes and listening to various podcasts as I cleaned my home. Sunday was not spent at the cinema as I was ahead with the films. So I took care of all the odds and ends that sat waiting for me to get around to them. It felt like a spring clean in a therapeutic way. I finally typed up an investigation report which the ghost team had done weeks ago. Having opted out for a while, it was actually enjoyable to do it with no pressure or time restraints.
It still doesn't feel as if I've cut through the cold shoulders of fellow team mates yet but I'm optimistic they will thaw.
A friend called yesterday and another is calling tonight.
Someone visiting is rare.
Family are strangers to the inside of my house. Maybe they don't know where I live. But I refuse to care...I cared about that for too many years already and I won't do it further.
So I sit in my castle and write or watch films etc. Savouring my own company while others view me as awkward company. I have my path in life and they have theirs. I'm not built for human relationships , that much seems apparent.
Do I feel lonely? No. But there is still a person inside who requires acknowledgement of some kind. I guess I always strive for someone to say I've done well. Someone to make me feel good about myself. But I admit I'm terrible at returning the favour. Being self obsessed means I'm like a black hole that can't see outside of itself. But I credit myself with the control of my thoughts which has only happened since becoming single again. Leaving drugs and alcohol alone has helped me no end, no matter how much 'enjoyment' they brought me.
Even if my personality grates some people like sandpaper, I feel as comfortable in my skin as I think is possible. Aside from my son, and my step kids if they ever needed me, everyone is just an extra in a play where I am the lead role. On the one hand that makes me sound horrid, but in my defence I try and hole myself out of everyones lives.
I think I can quantify me threshold on company.
One hour. That's when my mind starts wondering what I'm doing next or what I'll do when I'm alone.
That's not very tolerant of people is it?
But it's usually not much longer than that they say something that makes me annoyed.
That's why I look out for number one and my son who is my lord and savour. He shows me that with the right person... I can be normal.
It still doesn't feel as if I've cut through the cold shoulders of fellow team mates yet but I'm optimistic they will thaw.
A friend called yesterday and another is calling tonight.
Someone visiting is rare.
Family are strangers to the inside of my house. Maybe they don't know where I live. But I refuse to care...I cared about that for too many years already and I won't do it further.
So I sit in my castle and write or watch films etc. Savouring my own company while others view me as awkward company. I have my path in life and they have theirs. I'm not built for human relationships , that much seems apparent.
Do I feel lonely? No. But there is still a person inside who requires acknowledgement of some kind. I guess I always strive for someone to say I've done well. Someone to make me feel good about myself. But I admit I'm terrible at returning the favour. Being self obsessed means I'm like a black hole that can't see outside of itself. But I credit myself with the control of my thoughts which has only happened since becoming single again. Leaving drugs and alcohol alone has helped me no end, no matter how much 'enjoyment' they brought me.
Even if my personality grates some people like sandpaper, I feel as comfortable in my skin as I think is possible. Aside from my son, and my step kids if they ever needed me, everyone is just an extra in a play where I am the lead role. On the one hand that makes me sound horrid, but in my defence I try and hole myself out of everyones lives.
I think I can quantify me threshold on company.
One hour. That's when my mind starts wondering what I'm doing next or what I'll do when I'm alone.
That's not very tolerant of people is it?
But it's usually not much longer than that they say something that makes me annoyed.
That's why I look out for number one and my son who is my lord and savour. He shows me that with the right person... I can be normal.
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