I can be normal

The weekend held many treasures. Amongst them was swimming with my boy, playing vampires with him also in Halloween costumes and listening to various podcasts as I cleaned my home. Sunday was not spent at the cinema as I was ahead with the films. So I took care of all the odds and ends that sat waiting for me to get around to them. It felt like a spring clean in a therapeutic way. I finally typed up an investigation report which the ghost team had done weeks ago. Having opted out for a while, it was actually enjoyable to do it with no pressure or time restraints.
It still doesn't feel as if I've cut through the cold shoulders of fellow team mates yet but I'm optimistic they will thaw.
A friend called yesterday and another is calling tonight.
Someone visiting is rare.
Family are strangers to the inside of my house. Maybe they don't know where I live. But I refuse to care...I cared about that for too many years already and I won't do it further.
So I sit in my castle and write or watch films etc. Savouring my own company while others view me as awkward company. I have my path in life and they have theirs. I'm not built for human relationships , that much seems apparent.
Do I feel lonely? No. But there is still a person inside who requires acknowledgement of some kind. I guess I always strive for someone to say I've done well. Someone to make me feel good about myself. But I admit I'm terrible at returning the favour. Being self obsessed means I'm like a black hole that can't see outside of itself. But I credit myself with the control of my thoughts which has only happened since becoming single again. Leaving drugs and alcohol alone has helped me no end, no matter how much 'enjoyment' they brought me.
Even if my personality grates some people like sandpaper, I feel as comfortable in my skin as I think is possible. Aside from my son, and my step kids if they ever needed me, everyone is just an extra in a play where I am the lead role. On the one hand that makes me sound horrid, but in my defence I try and hole myself out of everyones lives.
I think I can quantify me threshold on company.
One hour. That's when my mind starts wondering what I'm doing next or what I'll do when I'm alone.
That's not very tolerant of people is it?
But it's usually not much longer than that they say something that makes me annoyed.

That's why I look out for number one and my son who is my lord and savour. He shows me that with the right person... I can be normal.