Sunday morning. I woke in bed to a nervous feeling. The first thought was of a possible stolen car or two the previous night. My sleepy mind half dreaming a possible scenario for Monday morning as the garage men would stand conversing and scratching their heads at they pointed at the empty car spaces on the inside of a locked up yard. "looks like an inside job" the policeman would concur. "let's question everyone who has access to a key".
I was awake and so I looked on Facebook. The team congratulated themselves on a great night. I wished I was one of the ones who had merely attended the evening as a guest and could wash the stolen car story from my mind.
But no. I showered and played out further scenarios.
I wanted to shake some of the blame but whatever line of lie I spoke in my head, the policeman in my mind (also me obviously in my mind) outfoxed me.
I could shake off the thoughts for a few minutes as I told myself that there's nothing I can do about it until Monday morning.
But what then? Think goddam it think.
"Mr Whitehouse, because you opened that lock at some ungodly hour, thereby putting the BMW and Vectra at risk, you yourself will have to compensate the car owners."
FUCK.
Or....
"Chris's boss, because your employee opened up, I have no alternative but to fine your company...."
FUCK.
I envisioned myself in a prison. I was looking through the bars as my son visited me for ten minutes each month. He just sat there shaking his head slowly at me.
His only words to brake the silence being "Dad.....you cock"
I wouldn't be able to live through prison life. I watched BANGED UP ABROAD every week so knew what lay in store for me. Day in day out, working in the library and then getting buggered by Frank the double hard bastard who was leader of the wing.
I actually asked God for help.
(Look God I know I take the piss out of you sometimes and I've often said you're a cock but if you could somehow magically change the outcome of this story, I'd be so fucking happy, oh and sorry about the cursing)
But then another version of me stepped forward tearing down the scene as I dared to reach for the soap for real in the real world.
"don't talk bollocks" he said.
"All you did was go to work, you have a set of keys and are allowed to be at work at your discretion"
"cars get nicked all the time and it's not Antibes fault".
I tried to calm down. Jail now seemed far fetched.
I needed to go to work to check if I had put the alarm on in my haste to lock up.
So with a cinema double bill planned, I set off.
I turned down a road which led to work. As I approached I saw two cars now parked where the gates were. Instantly I panicked. That seems like a strange amount of activity for a Sunday at 10:11am.
Maybe the cars had been returned after they had been joyridden. That would have been a plus in a way.
I drew nearer. One of two women talking seemed to staring at my approach. I was heading to check the alarm at work but what was this? I turned right up a side street and stopped looking.
Now what? What if she recognises the van and it's peanut headed driver.
FUCK! now I was circling the fucking crime scene!
Then to make it more suspicious I was driving off.
I guess I could still say later that my journey to the cinema innocently brought me passed work. Yes that seemed fair. But what of the two ladies conversation at the moment. It had to be about last night didn't it?
As I drove off against my will in a way I thought "so so I really expect to sit and enjoy two films today?"
I pulled off and did a U turn. I had to go check the alarm RIGHT NOW.
I could always park around the corner and walk to work passed them. No...too suspicious.
I pulled up outside the work gates no more than two minutes after I saw two cars there and two women talking. But where were they? There was no one and no cars.
I looked at the gate and saw NO padlock. The women were inside the yard. I got out and noisily opened the gate and closed it again.
A woman soon looked at who it was. "oh Hi" she said in a friendly way. That relaxed me into a 'pretend you know nothing' mode.
I walked past that lady and yet from inside one of the cars I heard "excuse me!"
I instantly about faced and hurried to the open car door.
"Were you here yesterday?"
Don't lie.
"Yes i was", "did a car get stolen?" I asked.
"Oh right...no I'm so sorry, it was my car"
BOOM.
It had barely hit my brain when I seemed to deflate.
"oh my god" I blustered, "I'm SO glad it was you're car"
The lady explained that as the PPS team mate ran towards the car and yanked the door open, she just couldn't get the words 'it's my car' out of her frightened mouth.
The world seemed to impossibly fold in on itself.
Had God come good on the deal?
I felt as light as a feather. I breezed into work to turn the alarm ON. I had not activated it in my worried state the night before.
We had a brief further talk about how it's all cool now then and I was off.
"you've no idea how relieved I am!" I said.
I added "I'm going to have such a good day now"
So that was that. I smiled to myself (almost) as I drove towards Bradford. I enjoyed my cinema double bill and kept having to remind myself that I was in no trouble at all.
I would see the sky another day and my son could still look at me fondly.
And as for Frank he would have to catch some other poor victim for his bum fun.
Thanks God I owe you one....( But you are still a cock.)
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