Melancholic Cyborg Love

Finally my van was given a check by the garage next-door. The strange noise which I had reported months ago had turned out to be a wheel bearing, oh and the clutch was about to collapse, oh and some of the engine was rattling on the vans body.
None of this had concerned me as much as not being able to turn on the radio without the ear splitting squeal the speakers made. But yesterday they had taken one offending speaker out and ordered me a new one.
So I drove away with one working speaker and no strange wheel bearing noise.
I was in absolute heaven. I had my music back. This means that when my new iPod touch arrives this week I will be back to my podcasts whilst journeying to and fro. Life is pretty awesome in my bubble right now.

But with the music and the having dropped off my son, the combination made me a little melancholy. Music is such a wonderful thing but it comes with a retread of memories and plays me like a guitar. Play something happy and I'm up. (Play something sad and I'm down.
Play something halfway up and I'm neither up nor down......oh that's just being silly now).
So I loved having music back, but I had to skip a few tracks (memories) on the way home.
I had to verbally tell myself out loud "oh that's enough now.....you live alone because your marriage was wrong and you have time to devote solely to your son and solely to yourself... Stop feeling sorry for yourself"

It worked for the most part.

But as I drove and thought about a LIFETIME of being alone, I remembered that I had CHOSEN to plot my life that way. So if I decided to get changed, go to a pub, get pissed and shag ANYONE, I could!
With this pressure off myself I felt free again.
If I meet a beautiful girl I could start relationships again and re-enter the world...opt back IN to society.
But in truth there is no woman, even in my fantasies who I could love. I am a loner. I've lived for thirty eight years and never NOT felt at home in someones company. On top of that I am terribly distant and fail to convey emotions or affection. It would be like they were going out with a stone.
So it's Catch 22.
Even if I changed my tune and went dating again, they would be unhappy and in return annoy me by pointing out my failings and then I would be hateful of them and myself and swear to be single forever again.

I will just cut out that unhappy circle and stay alone.
It's the best place for me.

I'm such a damn awkward person I realise. But must be true to myself and my abilities.

The sad and shallow thing is that once I get my new iPod I will forget about women again.
Electronics have always excited me more because they love me in return.
I could always shag a cyborg!!