Dear Void,
You don't know me because I am a shadow. I slip through the cracks of society and am hidden in plain sight. I feel that at 38 I have opted out of the usual life choices. I obsessed about relationships and loneliness to breaking point and once I was faced with my marriage breaking down against my will, I did a u turn and went with the tide. I ended up throwing in the towel because I had heard enough threats of being left.
I am not saying any more about that here.
From that moment I regressed/evolved to a mental state which gave me the mindset that I NEVER want to share my soul with another human being. No relationships at all with women. I will die single. In my head I will always be married and my (ex) wife, step children and son will always be my one and only family. To get remarried would devalue that first marriage.
I don't know where my NEED to be in a relationship came from in the first half of my life. I also don't understand how it fit alongside my NEED to be alone in my own space.
Now that I've had time to reflect it seems like I need people to know I exist. But I'm terrible company. I'm completely happy when I'm alone and in full control of what I'm doing. The exception is my son who has given me courage and strength beyond my wildest dreams.
I accept my failings where others don't, but I still struggle to make sense of them. But these days I have the courage to stick to the path that my inner self dictates. It doesn't matter who doesn't 'get' me or my needs. I will die having lived by my rules of attaining happiness and that's what is important to me. Society is a crowd of sheep who are still struggling with their own desires. I am different because I have worked out what makes me happy and that is why I am viewed as 'different' or 'socially awkward'.
I look forward to chatting to you void, in the future.
Thanks for listening.
CW
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