The Void 4

Dear The Void,
Last night as I watched Silver Linings Playbook, the film felt like it was giving new cuddle. It was like a voice telling me I was doing fine and to be proud of my recovery from the abyss.
But it came at a price.
I realised as I sat staring at the screen, that I physically would have liked a cuddle whilst being told "it's all going to be ok" .

I grew up in a family devoid of such overflowing acts of emotional support. I never knew any different until a succession of girlfriends pointed out that my family never hugged or kissed goodbye as we visited each other.
I am known as being a less than reassuring partner when it comes to affection of any kind and how often stated "I don't get anything from it and don't know what others get from it that I don't"
Cold

Living alone has massive benefits as regards happiness or rather 'lack of shit bits' which bring you down on a weekly basis.
But I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be hugged.
Now it's been two years since received such a hug and even the I wouldn't like to have probed what derogatory thoughts had gone through the givers head but nonetheless it had been nice enough..... Followed by my thought "alright get off now!"
But yes, for that moment I missed it.
I guess it made me a little sad whilst I prepared my two hot water bottles for my bed since they are used to keep me warm through the night much like a physical lady person used to.

Oh well. It's a small price to pay.
If loneliness does follow in the Christmas weeks to come then I only have to walk round Asda and listen to the men being put down by their partners to remember why I'm doing this.

Keeping Control

I rushed out of work and headed to the cinema for a double bill. I got snarled up in works traffic en route and tried not to stress. I was only going to see Nativity 2: danger in the manger, after all.
I had taken a change of clothes in a bag but at the last minute had decided it would use valuable time.
I mostly managed to stop worrying how scruffy I looked in my inky clothes by hoping that staff would recognise my face.
But the real problem was that once I'd taken my front row seat, I could smell my chemical splashed clothes and if I could smell it then surely others would. Most of the time I don't notice the smell until I've had a shower and pick up my work stuff.
I bated with the embarrassment and hugged my jacket closed through the films.
Nativity 2 was adequate and I left straight away to sit in Silver Linings Playbook. This film had me from the start. Bradley Cooper is bipolar and has emotional/anger issues to do with his wife.
I connected with his character in a lot of ways. Therapy, a twisted sense of reality and no filter on what he said.
Jennifer Lawrence enters the film and captivated me also. Sheridan and said things which I also bought into and the whole film seemed to echo a certain 'lost' time in my life as I hit rock bottom.
I've since sprung up again but I've had to work at it alone.
It evoked a phase that has passed but also possibly lurks around every corner. I fe in love again (or for the first time) with Lawrence's character and it effected me so deeply that I dreamt about meeting a girl and wanting to have a relationship with her.

I'll leave it at that.... It seems I'm still damaged on the inside but the key is that I forgive myself and accept it and that's how I remain in control.

Keeping my mind busy.

I started today off with a shower which invigorated my system into working. The steam got my mind working so that when I arrived at Jam Radio at ten AM, I was ready for my guest to record a show. It was lunch time before I finally arrived at the cinema which felt really late. The first film that I was in time for was GAMBIT which, in a word was dull.
I leapt out of the chair and into the lobby/bar area and began to write my review until END OF WATCH started. That film was much better even with the shit end.
The feeling that I was just trying to keep my mind occupied came back but I ignored it.
I drove home to the sounds of a movie podcast and bought some red bull which I had a strange craving for.
Once home I watched the last hour and a half of the four hour Documentary about 'a nightmare on elm street'. It's 9:46pm now and I've written a review or two towards my next show which will help out.
Sunday nights are possibly the loneliest of the nights each week. The problem being that there is no one I'd want to spend it with either who is female, obviously.
I thin its ok to admit that I looked at the alcohol in the shop as I bought red bull and coffee and I actually salivated. The feeling of being pissed is not something I've ever forgotten but neither is it a road I wish to walk.
I still have some writing to get in order before next Sunday so I need to concentrate on that first and foremost. ...infact there's no time like the present actually so that's what I'll try and do now.

Life on the light side

The Friday clocking out of work couldn't come soon enough today. Work was fine but it was great to have my afternoon. I walked round to the massage parlour next door, NOT for that, to discuss our ghost team investigating there in the new year. It was a different lady this time and do I left quickly, just leaving my contact details.
I called at Jam-Radio and edited my show for tomorrow. Before leaving I helped one of the bosses restructure a leaflet to promote show sponsorship. I seemed to be of some help which was good.
I picked up an Avengers advent calendar en route to get my son from school. I thought I was quite early but judging by how far from the school I had to park....I had been slow arriving.
My little boys excited face is a highlight of my day every time I see him, which I have to admit is more often than many dads see their offspring.
My own father actually said "Christmas is rubbish when there aren't young children to enjoy it too"
I just thought "fuck you too! Are we not worthy to make Xmas good now were adults" He is a bit of a pillock unfortunately.
Anyway.. I digress....

My son and I made a Hulk mask which he demanded be red.
The evening went by surprisingly quickly tonight.
He is sat enjoying Netflix in his new dressing gown and has his new mini hot water bottle to look forward to.

I have a dozen films to watch over the next week and also agreed to take my step daughter to see Twilight breaking dawn 2, even though I've seen it already. I have loads to write up after reviewing investigation evidence. I need to get to a straight edge in time for next weekends second interview with a medium.
It's good being so busy. I'm rather enjoying myself actually.

Thursday morning started off great with my little boy coming int my bed as my alarm went off and giving me a cuddle. The working day was long and grating but it passed quietly enough. I had to stay back to finish a job off and so I rushed some tea down as I prepared to go ghost hunting to a private house. It was a cold and blustery evening and a spiritually quiet one unfortunately.
All that's left is sleep. The weekend is here tomorrow and ill see my son again which is great.
I'm feeling a little happier than I was the other day. I don't need a woman after all.

Time used well.

I had my evening become free last night so I set about tackling the latest investigation review and write up. After fifteen minutes I heard a spirit voice copy my friend but in a different voice, and in a whisper. I was excited about that enough but then later there was a loud HELLO out of nowhere which was clear on the recording but not at the time. We carry on speaking as if nothing had been shouted, because we never heard it.
The whole writing process was a lot easier due to my notes on the night. Unfortunately as I jumped up to ring my team mate, I broke my headphones and they were only a few months old. Gutted. But it's too late now... Move on.
I emailed the clips to team mates and didn't get responses as they were not on Facebook which was annoying for me as I was so excited about the clips.
So hopefully today, someone will share their thoughts.
I only have a third left to go through and that was a very eventful section of the night so I look forward to that. I have my son tonight though so I plan to squeeze a film in after he's in bed.
Tackling the write up straight away was a definite plus and I shall do that in future as it makes things run smoother.
I need to stay ahead of my dictaphone recordings especially as I'm doing the medium interviews too. I awoke with a spring in my step this morning as if I'd achieved something. It kind of washed any ideas of sorry for myself solitude away as I had produced something with my time.
The whole radio programme thing is hanging in doubt as I consider jacking it in after Xmas.. But I may feel differently soon.

Mid Movember 2012

My return to the ghost team included my friends coming to see what we did. The evening had some interesting evidence come for us and seemed to contain our first 'crossing over' of a spirit. As I write that I feel conscious that it didn't really happen but I have to say it all went how as would have expected to. Spirits moving into the light is something we've seen on tv etc but as I said , genuinely , the whole process correlated in the correct order and the glass did as it should.
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.


I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.

Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me. I also wonder what will become of me. ...living alone, dying alone. Have I chose this life or is it something that just has to happen this way?

If times a great healer, why doesn't it heal my face?

My return to the ghost team included my friends coming to see what we did. The evening had some interesting evidence come for us and seemed to contain our first 'crossing over' of a spirit. As I write that I feel conscious that it didn't really happen but I have to say it all went how as would have expected to. Spirits moving into the light is something we've seen on tv etc but as I said , genuinely , the whole process correlated in the correct order and the glass did as it should.
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.


I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.

Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me.

Weekend plans...

The weekend has started. My son and I sit up in my bed and play on iPod and iPad until we are ready for the day. We both need haircuts this morning. I'm glad there aren't more things that we need to pay for such as if we had to pay for our toe nails cutting or our arse shampooing. (I don't know where that came from ! )
My son has a birthday party which his mum is now taking him to, which means he is home early. So I will have time to prepare for my return to ghost hunting. What was supposed to be my last time is now my return, how does that work?
The night will be a chance to show friends what I have up to for two years. The following morning is my first interview with a medium and therefore in the long run, possibly the worst presuming I will get better and refine it.
Following that is my trip to watch Twilight Breaking Dawn 2.
I had good news that I am being upgraded to get new deals at my cinema of choice. I don't pay extra for 3-D films anymore which means I can 'fill' with these films also as I wait for something I haven't seen to start.
I have a lot of writing to do but I am relishing it at the moment. As long as its through my choice then it's all good.

The path of the righteous man.....

Today my own mortality seemed to be the go to subject of my mind. In 100 years ill be dead. You will be dead and so will all our children.
This puts my trivial thoughts and struggles in perspective.
Not achieved enough? So what?
Achieved loads? So what?
That is what keeps me awake at night mostly...the thought that I need to create something that can be quantified such as this blog. What use can this blog be to others? Well that never comes into it. I do it though a need to write candidly and express myself unjudged. And also it shows that I spent time writing it and attempting to make something to outlive me.
I think about what other friends my age do and it isn't a great deal outside of be married etc.

I however give my son all my time, every two,days. During the Inbetweeners days I am in a paranormal team and I also have a weekly slot on an Internet radio station where I review films. So obviously I also spend a lot if time at the pictures which brings me so much happiness and takes me on rewarding journeys from the safe environment of my seat.

I guess my blog is the book which I'll never get to write, but in small amounts.
I am increasingly busy so that I feel I have something to show for my time on the planet by the time I'm forty. My other inspiration is my child. I want to be the person he can be proud of. It's because of him that I kicked the drinking. Sixteen months sober is not something I take lightly.
I am trying to be the best person I can be. I recently realised that people close to me butter me up or tell me what I want to hear in order to control me a little.
I'm ashamed to say I like these people the most even after realising that they play me like a fiddle.

I guess that I could get in other people's good books by trying to bullshit them in a nice way.
Normally I just avoid human interaction but its something to fall back on.

I feel that the next forty years will provide surprises where I succeed in ways I couldn't imagine.

Radio/psychic/film

I awoke from a deep slumber and it didn't take long for my brain to bombard me thoughts.
I arose after Netflix in be brought me round fully. I showered mostly to warm up and then drove down to Jam Radio to record a two hour show with a regular contributor who was in the middle of Leeds film festival visits. The recordings went well and from there I spun round to a psychic Mediums house who I've met along my paranormal journey of discovery.
It's been over a year since I've seen her and we've both progressed on experience. We discussed my new focus about interviewing local mediums and collating their descriptions together to see if a better picture of the spirit world can be pictured.
I am a no one in this field really but I hope this will start me a reputation of some sort, good or bad.
It became clear that the hard part will be keeping the project on a course I choose and not letting the interviewee go off on too much if a tangent.
I left the chat with a renewed vigour and appetite for the project.
I start it next week after an investigation with friends. I just want to concentrate on one step at a time.

I arrived home and set about watching 'Passenger Side' which rolled into 'The Machine Girl' which rolled onto 'Versus' which rolled into 'Maniac'.
Yes it's been a long day......

Angry but relaxed birds

My son developed a cough upon waking up today and so we decided to give swimming a miss. We had his shower bath with toys as usual on a Saturday morning and then we just played a combination of Star Wars and Superhero figures as well as Star Wars Angry Birds on both iPad and iPod. It was a relaxing day spent hanging out together.
Once he was home I decided to not go the cinema this week and headed home and watched 'Contraband' instead. This was followed by 'Die Hard 4' and a terrible selection of junk for tea.
I feel to have written a lot this afternoon with one thing and another. Where would I be without my apple devices?
The ghost team leader has spoke to a producer of a ghost tv series on SyFY today and that has been a high for us. This leads me on to tomorrow. I start the day at Jam Radio to record a two hour show with another film lover. Then that is to be followed by a meeting with a medium who will iron out a few questions for other mediums who I'm going to interview soon. I am spreading myself over many different avenues at the moment but its all about doing something rather than nothing.
But for right now,......I'm off to sleep.

Alternative cinema trip

I'm sat in the pictureville cinema listening to two gay guys have a domestic and also lie to each other about stuff. I am not against gay guys or girls , but heterosexual or homosexual, if you sound like an annoying cock, I'm not going to be keen on you.

It's a change of scenery for me to be sat in a different cinema.
It's more up its own arse than cineworld, which is the common mans cinema.
I'm here to watch The Shining US version and messed up the start time. So I'm sat for two hours waiting for a long film.


This feels like the time I went to watch 2001 in cinerama. That was such a treat in my twenties. In fact it was one of the first times I ever went to see a film alone. It felt invigorating back then and now it's my life, which is cool. It sounds daft but if I was sat here with someone else then I'd not be enjoying the wait quite as much. The conversation would be difficult to maintain. Whereas now I can just write on this iPod.


Wow one gay couple left and another replaced them. I think there's a one gay couple at a time policy at this cinema. As I leave there'll just be a queue of gay couples adjourning the street waiting for their turn. Kind of like the 'no more than three kids allowed in this shop at any one time'

Opportunity

An idea was born in my mind yesterday. It came from a comment which I had made about psychic mediums and how it may be possible to have a spirit confirm the mediums abilities to our team.
It is always met with a defensive wall and its always a shame.
Anyway I felt inspired to simply put the boot on the other foot really.
I wanted to present the mediums experiences through a number of typed interviews and not try and pull them apart. Instead I will see what sort of picture they paint of this 'skill' and how their combined stories paint an image of the spirit world in general.
I'm surprised it hasn't struck me before that I am now in a position that I wanted to be in, and yet never thought I would be in as a child. I used to dream of knowing a psychic person.
Today I'm surrounded by them and I don't bat an eye lid.
Yes I guess it's just another vanity project in a sense but I'm just the guy gluing all the hits together. It's as close as I've ever got to putting others first.

Ghosts of girlfriends past....

One of my ex girlfriends is pregnant. Congratulations are due obviously. (You've probably guessed where this is going)

I am lucky enough to have a few ex girlfriends from years ago on Facebook at the moment and have even apologised to two if them for my behaviour back then. The years pass but not ALL the feelings are forgotten. So while I'm happy for my ex, when I see her posts about having a baby, I can't help but remember baby scares we had together etc.
a 'what if' parallel universe kicks in for me.
I've had several baby scares and some have been closer than just scares. These are issues I simply have never dealt with.
But since I am a father these days, thinking of possible children I could have fathered makes for quite a somber affair.

I still have respect for each past girlfriend. But that does also bring old pains too.

The void 3-(Solipsism)

Dear THE VOID 3 ...

The realisation I had today came as an epiphany as I thought over and over as I worked.
The fake conversations which circled and spiralled inside my brain stem continued to flow until I remembered that as they would never be real. You can spend hours rehearsing the things you would say if questioned about something....but if its unlikely that the conversation will ever be had then its all for nothing.
Today I was giving thought to the subtle attention which I am receiving off a member of the opposite sex. The future is closed on any further cross gender romantic friendships, or so I say.
No sooner had I received a nice message post midnight from an ex from decades ago, my mind had played out the possibility of being in a relationship.
Humanity is hard wired to settle down with a partner it seems.
As I thought and thought of it and felt what it MAY make me feel like, I analysed it and came to the realisation that I don't have genuine 'feelings' for this ex and never would have.
I met her when she was a nubile and loving specimen. Twenty years on she has hardened and grown world weary like the rest of us. Also, even in her prime, so to speak....I finished with her. I new she was never to be 'the one'.
My first realisation was that any feelings I had ever felt for another person was actually an obsession with their having 'feelings' for me. In other words anyone who expressed that they LIKED me would become instantly attractive to me in a way that was important to me, but which was still not actually LOVE in any form.
My self obsession had always made my relationships stumble in this way.
My eventual marriage had fallen because my wife didn't find me as interesting a person as I wanted her to.
No relationship had ever became important to me because I always found myself more interesting than them.
Being me is a full time occupation. Obsessing over myself can be covered with one word....solipsism.

sol·ip·sism   [sol-ip-siz-uhm] Show IPA
noun
1.
Philosophy . the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2.
extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.


This word had made its way into my brain and vocabulary a few weeks ago and I had actually looked it up in a dictionary. It had literally floored me with its relevance to myself.

Another realisation/quote which came to mind today was "ones company , twos a crowd"
That's how self absorbed I am....i am sat here now and feel like there is more than one person here. I am not lonely because there is at least other voice in my mind which cross questions every thought as I think or speak.
So if there is one other physical person with me then it feels like there are three voices talking. Does everyone else have this too?

Another explanation of why the single life is something that I must live with is the fact that "I enjoy my own company more than everyone else enjoys my company"

People find me difficult whereas I don't (so much)


People talk if me 'meeting the right person' often but even in my head today as I imagined what that may entail, I felt sad. I had feelings of guilt about cheating on my (ex) wife.
I obviously still consider myself married. I can't understand why I would wish to try and make a relationship with anyone other than my child's mum.
Wouldn't it always be a half arsed version of the correct thing.

It seems I am a prisoner of myself too.

Maybe time will unlock some if these handcuffs which I now have noticed.

But only the passing of time will tell...

And if anything changes, I'm sure you'll be the first to know...

DOUBT vs COMPLAINING

A strange feeling is hovering over me of late. It feels like a fog of unease resting its tendrils on me. I can't put a finger on what's wrong. Maybe it's just a sadness that has always been there. I guess it is a downside to choosing to live my life alone. Maybe I'm forgetting just how dreadful living with someone is. Maybe not drinking is leaving more of a gap than I let on.
.....there's just some...emptiness or doubt , yes, doubt! I have a feeling of doubt but I don't know what about.
The radio work is on amber alert since its becoming increasingly difficult to get a show recorded in the studio. Writing it also takes a lot of work.
My place in The ghost team has been resurrected and I'm worried about how I'll fit back in.
I think I am a ghost to others, but I purposely promote that idea so that I am protected from societies put downs as I fail to deliver what they want from me.
My son and I had a tough love moment as he created in Asda over some new clothes. He awoke on Sunday a much calmer child though.

I've started thinking over death a little more than normal. I think it's a midlife thing....I'm kinda half way through. But I believe I am exactly where I want to be right now.....so why complain? I actually told myself off recently because I was once again in tough with an ex girlfriend whose child had cancer and it shook my world to its core. Just the notion that she had been through hell and I hadn't. How the hell could I moan? It made me feel bad about myself rather than snap me out of it.
I am a natural moaner. Woe is me.
But that is what I am a VICTIM of...that oppressive feeling. I understand that I shouldn't feel that I way but I DO feel that way. Some people have a happy disposition but I never do and it's a curse really. I even lock myself away from others so I don't have to have them tell me I'm miserable.

I think a caffeine fix is in order today to blast my brain with creative, constructive thoughts.