A strange feeling is hovering over me of late. It feels like a fog of unease resting its tendrils on me. I can't put a finger on what's wrong. Maybe it's just a sadness that has always been there. I guess it is a downside to choosing to live my life alone. Maybe I'm forgetting just how dreadful living with someone is. Maybe not drinking is leaving more of a gap than I let on.
.....there's just some...emptiness or doubt , yes, doubt! I have a feeling of doubt but I don't know what about.
The radio work is on amber alert since its becoming increasingly difficult to get a show recorded in the studio. Writing it also takes a lot of work.
My place in The ghost team has been resurrected and I'm worried about how I'll fit back in.
I think I am a ghost to others, but I purposely promote that idea so that I am protected from societies put downs as I fail to deliver what they want from me.
My son and I had a tough love moment as he created in Asda over some new clothes. He awoke on Sunday a much calmer child though.
I've started thinking over death a little more than normal. I think it's a midlife thing....I'm kinda half way through. But I believe I am exactly where I want to be right now.....so why complain? I actually told myself off recently because I was once again in tough with an ex girlfriend whose child had cancer and it shook my world to its core. Just the notion that she had been through hell and I hadn't. How the hell could I moan? It made me feel bad about myself rather than snap me out of it.
I am a natural moaner. Woe is me.
But that is what I am a VICTIM of...that oppressive feeling. I understand that I shouldn't feel that I way but I DO feel that way. Some people have a happy disposition but I never do and it's a curse really. I even lock myself away from others so I don't have to have them tell me I'm miserable.
I think a caffeine fix is in order today to blast my brain with creative, constructive thoughts.
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