I rushed out of work and headed to the cinema for a double bill. I got snarled up in works traffic en route and tried not to stress. I was only going to see Nativity 2: danger in the manger, after all.
I had taken a change of clothes in a bag but at the last minute had decided it would use valuable time.
I mostly managed to stop worrying how scruffy I looked in my inky clothes by hoping that staff would recognise my face.
But the real problem was that once I'd taken my front row seat, I could smell my chemical splashed clothes and if I could smell it then surely others would. Most of the time I don't notice the smell until I've had a shower and pick up my work stuff.
I bated with the embarrassment and hugged my jacket closed through the films.
Nativity 2 was adequate and I left straight away to sit in Silver Linings Playbook. This film had me from the start. Bradley Cooper is bipolar and has emotional/anger issues to do with his wife.
I connected with his character in a lot of ways. Therapy, a twisted sense of reality and no filter on what he said.
Jennifer Lawrence enters the film and captivated me also. Sheridan and said things which I also bought into and the whole film seemed to echo a certain 'lost' time in my life as I hit rock bottom.
I've since sprung up again but I've had to work at it alone.
It evoked a phase that has passed but also possibly lurks around every corner. I fe in love again (or for the first time) with Lawrence's character and it effected me so deeply that I dreamt about meeting a girl and wanting to have a relationship with her.
I'll leave it at that.... It seems I'm still damaged on the inside but the key is that I forgive myself and accept it and that's how I remain in control.
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