Today my own mortality seemed to be the go to subject of my mind. In 100 years ill be dead. You will be dead and so will all our children.
This puts my trivial thoughts and struggles in perspective.
Not achieved enough? So what?
Achieved loads? So what?
That is what keeps me awake at night mostly...the thought that I need to create something that can be quantified such as this blog. What use can this blog be to others? Well that never comes into it. I do it though a need to write candidly and express myself unjudged. And also it shows that I spent time writing it and attempting to make something to outlive me.
I think about what other friends my age do and it isn't a great deal outside of be married etc.
I however give my son all my time, every two,days. During the Inbetweeners days I am in a paranormal team and I also have a weekly slot on an Internet radio station where I review films. So obviously I also spend a lot if time at the pictures which brings me so much happiness and takes me on rewarding journeys from the safe environment of my seat.
I guess my blog is the book which I'll never get to write, but in small amounts.
I am increasingly busy so that I feel I have something to show for my time on the planet by the time I'm forty. My other inspiration is my child. I want to be the person he can be proud of. It's because of him that I kicked the drinking. Sixteen months sober is not something I take lightly.
I am trying to be the best person I can be. I recently realised that people close to me butter me up or tell me what I want to hear in order to control me a little.
I'm ashamed to say I like these people the most even after realising that they play me like a fiddle.
I guess that I could get in other people's good books by trying to bullshit them in a nice way.
Normally I just avoid human interaction but its something to fall back on.
I feel that the next forty years will provide surprises where I succeed in ways I couldn't imagine.
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