The void 3-(Solipsism)

Dear THE VOID 3 ...

The realisation I had today came as an epiphany as I thought over and over as I worked.
The fake conversations which circled and spiralled inside my brain stem continued to flow until I remembered that as they would never be real. You can spend hours rehearsing the things you would say if questioned about something....but if its unlikely that the conversation will ever be had then its all for nothing.
Today I was giving thought to the subtle attention which I am receiving off a member of the opposite sex. The future is closed on any further cross gender romantic friendships, or so I say.
No sooner had I received a nice message post midnight from an ex from decades ago, my mind had played out the possibility of being in a relationship.
Humanity is hard wired to settle down with a partner it seems.
As I thought and thought of it and felt what it MAY make me feel like, I analysed it and came to the realisation that I don't have genuine 'feelings' for this ex and never would have.
I met her when she was a nubile and loving specimen. Twenty years on she has hardened and grown world weary like the rest of us. Also, even in her prime, so to speak....I finished with her. I new she was never to be 'the one'.
My first realisation was that any feelings I had ever felt for another person was actually an obsession with their having 'feelings' for me. In other words anyone who expressed that they LIKED me would become instantly attractive to me in a way that was important to me, but which was still not actually LOVE in any form.
My self obsession had always made my relationships stumble in this way.
My eventual marriage had fallen because my wife didn't find me as interesting a person as I wanted her to.
No relationship had ever became important to me because I always found myself more interesting than them.
Being me is a full time occupation. Obsessing over myself can be covered with one word....solipsism.

sol·ip·sism   [sol-ip-siz-uhm] Show IPA
noun
1.
Philosophy . the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2.
extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.


This word had made its way into my brain and vocabulary a few weeks ago and I had actually looked it up in a dictionary. It had literally floored me with its relevance to myself.

Another realisation/quote which came to mind today was "ones company , twos a crowd"
That's how self absorbed I am....i am sat here now and feel like there is more than one person here. I am not lonely because there is at least other voice in my mind which cross questions every thought as I think or speak.
So if there is one other physical person with me then it feels like there are three voices talking. Does everyone else have this too?

Another explanation of why the single life is something that I must live with is the fact that "I enjoy my own company more than everyone else enjoys my company"

People find me difficult whereas I don't (so much)


People talk if me 'meeting the right person' often but even in my head today as I imagined what that may entail, I felt sad. I had feelings of guilt about cheating on my (ex) wife.
I obviously still consider myself married. I can't understand why I would wish to try and make a relationship with anyone other than my child's mum.
Wouldn't it always be a half arsed version of the correct thing.

It seems I am a prisoner of myself too.

Maybe time will unlock some if these handcuffs which I now have noticed.

But only the passing of time will tell...

And if anything changes, I'm sure you'll be the first to know...