Horizon expanding

I visited a friend this afternoon who spoke of wanting to do something memorable in 2013. Having an interest which may lead him in to unfamiliar territories perhaps. I mentioned the book "round Ireland with a fridge" and we started to talk about us setting off together on a mini adventure next year. Basically its a case of having something to look back on in the future. I am interested in doing something that involves travel which I would never do on my own. The whole idea appeals to me greatly. Now we are brain storming places which we would like to visit. My son would be something I would have to work around though. Maybe we could start on Saturday nights first until Sunday evening and let the idea grow.
I think it could be a great idea that gets us both some good memories out of it.
Getting off the couch is something I would benefit from I'm sure.

Tiny improvements ...

I'm starting to drink more water before the new year even starts. This way I won't see it as a resolution. I resolve to keep off Facebook so much as I've already Instigated.
I will wander through this next year like a shadow. I will bathe in myself and my son only.
Or to put it another way, I will block other people's shitty opinions and only listen to my own shitty opinions. With moisturising here and there and letting my hair grow a little longer, I hope to retake a little 'youth' back in to my look. If it doesn't work then fuck it.
I love this cave which I created for my existence and along with not having been sick all year, I also didn't have any drama or self loathing. A result.
More sleep and more water should improve my year vastly.
It's an awesome time to be me right now.

My body, the prison.

I sat down to watch something as mundane as Coldplay MX world tour documentary and during the concerts build up I connected with the build up of the intro music. The crowds excitement swelled with anticipation as I saw their faces light up as the first song started.
I actually shivered as tears swelled but didn't fall. The concert goers who were daubed in fluorescent make up let all there enjoyment show.
And there came my realisation.....I cannot SHOW my emotions. I mean the tears welled and I held them back but in my life, I don't allow myself to express physically. Why? Because I'd be in tears all the time. I stand like a statue at gigs and try not to laugh out loud at films or comedians for example.
It's as if the feelings are Too much for me to harness.
Ironically the first Coldplay song was Hurts Like Heaven which I read as a song about this kind of thing among other things, but then we bring to the song our own meanings.
But the problem was identified , I struggle to SHOW not FEEL as has been my understanding in the past until my son was born and I realised that I can love my child freely.

It's like there's hurt in me as well as joy but they are intertwined. I cannot seperate joy and pain. I think I finally allow myself to be self critical enough to say that my teenage pains especially were invented , but this fact also makes me sad that that element is in me.
All this makes me feel so small.
This post is a tiny splinter which will be lost in the forest which is the Internet.
"Lost like tears in the rain" as they say on BLADERUNNER.

My voice is useless to most, but to my son its important of course and that is all it takes to make my life have purpose.
I feel trapped in my own body in so many ways, whether it is this struggle to emote or to love freely, or how plain I look, or how uninteresting I am etc. my physical body can't even do the activities which I enjoy doing, such as drawing or writing. I do draw and write anyway obviously but when others do it, its done better.

My body is the prison, not my mind or my dreams.

Post Christmas Day.

I've had a number of days with my son and its felt non stop. Although other than go to a second Christmas Day do, all we've done is play make believe, watch films and play systematically with new presents.
Actually since starting this entry we ventured to Leeds and bought further superhero villain toys to use in our games. I'd lost track of days and thought that tomorrow was a full day and a sleep with him again but he's going home for a day and a half at dinner. His mum hasn't seem him for days with her working, that can't have felt good for her.
But he and I had the best time so it's been great for us. Tiring though.

I believe we have plans to go to a museum before he goes home and then I have two films to watch at the cinema. It's been a great break actually and maybe the new year will arrive without upset.
The new year will see me become more invisible than this year and I believe even happier because of it.

Christmas Day 2012

My Christmas Day started with waking up alone and going downstairs to put on Black Ops 2 at 8am. The idea being that ill be playing all the people who have only just got it and that will ensure me to get the most points and progress faster. I played for three hours before pulling myself off it and going to my mums. I was there before midday and the yearly guests still hadn't arrived.
Family members grew and the space in the front room became less and the anxiety that I felt also grew. As further members landed in the afternoon and I shrunk further into my chair, I began to feel tense. I feel the loneliest in crowds strangely. When I finally left and drove home, as much as I enjoy spending Christmases at my mums obviously, it felt a relief to be alone and in safe company. This scenario covers my whole life. One on one is fine with me and more than that, the worse it gets.
But it's only once a year and I'm not knocking it. I'm just sharing the anxiety with you.
But I've had a pleasent Christmas Day which was rounded off with Black Ops again. I came first as planned. Whoopee.
Tomorrow is when I collect my son and have a second family gathering with a crowd which is smaller and made of closer members of my family. That is my true Christmas Day.

Xmas Eve and the best of both worlds.

I thought I had set my alarm clock for the last time on Friday but I had to collect my son from his mums as she was working Xmas eve. He got into the van in his pyjamas but under his coat.
When we arrived home we played superheroes and made three different masks while he made a Xmas card for his mum. We did a lot of play fighting as rival heroes as some sort of way to vent our excitement. We watched a lot of Netflix as the morning turned afternoon and we played quite a lot of iPod too. After three pm I picked up his brother and sister and well went to the local pub which is the only real option when there is four of us.
It was great to be with them all as its not often I see more than one of them at a time. I liked seeing how my step kids and my son interacted with each other. I was pleasantly surprised.
We had to stand for the two hours pub visit as all the tables were booked for eating.
I dropped off my presents to my step kids at their house and set off home after once again explaining to my boy that I'd ring him in the morning.
Although I don't see him on Christmas Day, I will be having him for four days straight afterwards.
It's 10:35 on Xmas eve and I'm alone. .....I'm just saying , not complaining.
Its just another day right? I've been playing B Ops 2 up until level 41 so its not all bad.
I guess I better be asleep by the time Santa comes. Goodnight. I

Christmas Eve's eve 2012.

It's Christmas Eve eve and I spent the first half of the day watching some tv stuff such as the pilot movie of Warehouse 13 and then listened to podcasts as I cleaned my house top to bottom. Because I have my son from very early in the morning I indulged in stuff that I won't be doing such as Black Ops 2 and also Terminator 3.
In the afternoon I met my mate for a ghost investigation at his friends home.
There was a complaint of clothes being tugged and a general sense of unease. The female occupant felt one attic room in particular was odd and she had once ran out if it.
Upon looking at it, the roof beams and general shape of the converging ceiling parts gave it a look as if it was hanging over you and that probably constituted the feeling of oppression.
We did protection and an EVP session which came up with nothing on review.
The Ouija board communicated quite quickly though. The spirit was a lady called Mary who had moved in to the house in 1940 and had lived there for 35 years. She had no problem with the new tenants but didn't like the previous ones. Mary wasn't keen on the renovations which were going on but I reassured her that the occupants wanted to bring it back to its original look and surely that was good.
Mary requested that brown curtains be out up instead if the blinds at the windows. The home owner agreed to do this as a compromise for sharing the home in a respectful manner.
It was a relatively short session but a very friendly and amicable exchange between living and dead tenants.
I sometimes forget how unusual it is to spend my time this way.
The breezes I experienced in the closed on room were the strongest I've felt so far during these sessions. Mary agreed to stay hidden from the kids which was good.
I went home and reviewed the evidence and sketched out my write up.
So now I can return to Black Ops 2 before bed.
The fun all starts tomorrow.

Fri/sat in December.

Well it would appear that the world and all existence didn't disappear up its own arsehole. Strike off another religious sect as bollocks talkers.
Meanwhile in the real world......
My last day of work and my sons last day at school was celebrated by us high five ing and playing with superhero figures at our leisure. We both kicked back and relaxed in the knowledge there would be no more early mornings for a week or so.
After my time with him was up I decided not to go to the cinema and actually watch some Sky recordings and play Black Ops 2 and Gears Of War 3 until I was tired enough to go to my bed, which I sit in now at 11:41pm. I feel that i should stay up till midnight each night to make the most of my holidays. I've stayed off Facebook etc on the whole and its been refreshing. I'm sure there are people who are lonely at Christmas but I simply am not one of them. It's blissful living on my own even at Christmas.
I plan to have a thorough clean tomorrow while I listen to podcasts through my new Denon headphones. In the afternoon my friend and I are visiting a local house to see if they have a ghost. I hole that goes well although I feel awkward being selected as seperate from the rest of the team. There was an investigation last night which I was left out of. That's fine by me but also has the knock on effect of making me realise how little I'm in the mood for it at this Christmas period.
I know that I will enjoy it when I'm there.

It's the end of the world and we know it (isn't)

The word which is everywhere today is that the Mayan calendar stops because this ancient religious group predict that today is the apocalypse.
I have lived through many predicted doomsday prophesies so far including Mother Shiptons and Nostradamus who interestingly gave more than one.
It seems like as good a day as any to stage the final showdown but I wonder if tomorrow will have Mayans rushing to the shops to buy all the Christmas presents which they didn't bother buying. It would seem new calendars are top of the present list.
I think seeing the end of the earth would be a privilege, much the same as seeing the creation of the earth during the Big Bang.

I have only these words to express if they are right:
"I love my son".

The closing year..

It's been a harder push to complete the final working week of the year. I guess this is how Ranolph Fiennes felt after climbing THAT mountain.....actually it probably wasn't quite as hard as that.
Anyway, the last day is tomorrow. I've only taken one day off this year and so it will make a nice change. I took my son on the school run this morning and he had his school party to look forward to. I don't know where the running gag of his comes from, he keeps saying he had a dream about a sexy lady putting her bum in his face. Weird. I'm not sure if he's kidding.
Black Ops 2 is all consuming and before I know it my thumbs ache.
I had to go to Home Bargains today for work and I happened to look at toys even though I'd finished Xmas shopping. I found THE FLASH figure along with THOR and GREEN LANTERN for such a small price that I bought six more presents for my son and it only came to eleven quid. He will be so happy and so I will be happy too.
My spirits remain high by my new quietness and keeping to myself. If I was the last man on earth, then I would be at peace. I plan to put my written dairy in first place next year and so my blog may or may not lessen in its updates, we'll see.
This year has been a record year for my watching films and the total is currently over 300 and still going.
Really,I need to turn the tv off once a week and read.

Happy sort of birthday.

This blog is kinda two and a half years old.
That even shocked me if I'm honest. Readers pass through during their own lives as keywords crop up which the search engines match from my blogs.
I think having the surname WHITEHOUSE sends traffic my way often.
As I writer without the talent to write, I find this place a healthy and much needed place to unburden anything I like.
I try and put things honestly on here but even I am only 90% giving over the real versions of my thoughts.
I still maintain that Facebook got big from reading other people's mundane nonsense and so stand by my mundane blog entries.
I find other people's thoughts Interesting and so believe that the less you know me, the more interesting these entries will be.
Thanks for reading.

A change in resolution.

New Years resolutions? Usually I make none. But with quitting drinking and showing a surprising amount of restraint this year, it feels like anything else is achievable. I think it's perhaps more a case of Not dropping the ball in 2013.
Of course 2013 could contain a death or an illness which will rock my world and with each year passing that becomes ever more likely.
But until the cataclysmic event presents itself, it's business as usual.

I seem to have replaced alcohol with Sugar in puddings or sweets and human conversation with a wife/partner has become a stronger online presence on things such as The Book of Faces. I'd like to reduce my sugar intake as well as my social network postings. I don't include this blog as social networking as its not written for YOU and nobody gets in contact with me through it. This blog continues even without ever being read at times. It's a way of expelling my words and feelings. It's therapy.
These pages will begin to show that life and people change in slow increments. I'm not the person who wrote the first entry and I'll change in the years to come.
We continue to evolve......but it's getting BETTER that concerns me.

To be truly free.

During our average of eighty years on this rock, we compete with each other to get a job, meet a partner and buy shit we don't really need. Religion pushes us apart rather than bind us together and we don't truly represent our truest thoughts openly to each other for fear of being judged.
I think the beauty of it all is that our lives are meaningless in the history of our universe. Our insignificance grants us a freedom to do something, everything or indeed nothing. If I embrace anything at all, then it's the freedom to be myself.
I hope you are free enough to do the same.

Positivity, day one.

The freezing weather had caused the world to have a protective shield as I left the house for work. The worlds protective shield of ice made walking across my yard quiet easy and painless, however the two foot slope to my gate was misjudged and I would have been over on my arse, had I not slammed full bodied into the gate. The driving was just as bad but with it being so early in the morning, the cobbled street to work was empty of cars. I bounced the van off the curb twice and had to really push to get over the cobbled bridge. Unlocking works gate on a hill was a comical affair but again, no one saw.
I had a few deliveries dropped on me in the afternoon but I knew to take it in my stride and be ever appreciative that I had a works van at all.
This was the first test of my new positive attitude.
We shall see how it fairs on Sunday as I battle with pond scum at the White Rose Centre.

New horizon.

After closing down my film show and deciding to help overlook the whole station, I wound up on Radioactive on Jam-Radio tonight reviewing films. I felt like I'd pushed in to be honest but I also enjoyed it too. The host wants me to return each week but I want freedom to come and go. I and my ghost team friend ring me for a catch up of news and locations etc too which was good.
I explained that I was trying to live a quiet life if possible with no distractions except for what I choose. We'll see how that works out eh?
The cold cold weather and the dark dark nights, hang over us all, like a disease which nips and claws at us.
I need to catch up on the rest which was stolen from me last night by the mistakes of the cinema.
Goodnight.

Saturday morning

I do love Saturday mornings. My son woke up and watched iPad Netflix with me in my bed. Then we went to watch the cheap showing of Ice Age 4 but they had cancelled the showing as the film reel wasn't working. So we watched The Lorax instead. I enjoyed it more than the first time actually and it helped knowing how long was left. Since we were in town we looked around the toy shop and he wanted it all obviously. Currently we are watching an old Spider-Man vs Venom cartoon on Netflix whilst having sausage and mash.
Lovely.

to try

I want to try and reprogrammed my mind and my expectations. I'm too fast to be look at what I haven't and over look what I have. If I need a goal at all, then let it be to learn to feel lucky. I want to enjoy my freedom with a fresh vigour. My son is happy and safe. My stepson even expressed that I had a job that paid my bills and gave me a vehicle and so that is enough. I agree. I don't need to alter that scenario. I merely need to appreciate it all again.
I will try and not be negative. I will try to see the good in things and hide from the bad.
I can't promise to succeed but I can promise to TRY.

The dawn of spare time.

I have finally decided to no longer do my show for Jam-Radio each week. This has led me to feel that I want to commit to a different role at the station. If I'm not tied in to writing and recording each week, then I can perhaps be the glue that runs the whole station over all. Key words being Caretaker and Producer perhaps. I'm not sure what the role will become in reality but it frees me up actually whilst still holding on a position to be proud of and still feel I'm achieving something rather than going backwards.
Black Ops and Battlefield 3 have exhausted me today since I got home from Jam. I was there for five hours putting the final three shows of this year together. I can always take a show on in the future if I so decide. The fact that I won't have to write reviews unless I want to hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't gone to the cinema today because I've been on the Ps3 loads instead. I'm only really missing Alex Cross. Anyway I'm going to the preview of LIFE OF PI tomorrow so I don't need to go today.
I am looking forward to spending more time at home actually. I will have the time to watch more films I bet albeit at home.
I think I will become less of a presence on Facebook etc at least till Xmas and just submerge myself in my inner cave out of the way. I love my own company.
It's my stepsons 15th birthday today and we went to the cinema last night to see SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. It was very good.

I've just turned the tv and PS3 off because I've been in it hours.
I'm milking the last of the days relaxation out if it.
Just sat (and writing this) and listening to music feels like a novelty. Having spare time to waste is a marvellous feeling.
I had a great weekend with my son although it left him clingy as he had to go and so he cried. Tiredness played a part too. He'll be fine now of course and the feeling was mutual. Xxxx.

Saving the world.

As the Christmas hits of yesteryear slowly start to infiltrate the radio playlist, the band Wizard sing about wishing it would be Christmas every day.
The reality of that would mean Christmas hits forever. This would be horrid and would drive me to pour concrete in my ear canals.

Having bought the time consuming Black Ops 2 this week I may have jumped in too soon as Battlefield 3 arrived from Lovefilm. I may as well just cross life off for the foreseeable future. The world needs saving, twice .. .and only officer Whitehouse can do it.
And then after that. Maybe the universe will need me in Halo 4.
Like I say, I'm busy.

6/12/12

I didn't turn the tv on until I had completed the most recent 3500 word write up for our ghost investigation. That was a massive tick off my list and then when I also finished playing Uncharted 3 campaign it left me with no excuse not to buy Black Ops 2.
My son and I read and played together and once he was in bed with a mini hot water bottle switched on the PS3. Many hours will be lost to this game.
As for today, I have to visit Jam-Radio and finish my links for Saturdays show.
My recent show featured a guest who linked that episode to his webpage and currently It's had fifty downloads. A part of me suspects that someone may be leading me on with the figures but I can't be sure. Just as I think of no longer doing it due to lack off listeners, my figures go sky high. Suspicious or am I being daft?

The cinema beckons tonight also if I can resist Black Ops 2 till I arrive back later. The beauty of it is I have to consider no other person in my decisions.

I emailed my newly discovered elder sister yesterday to just keep contact up. I imagine she's disappointed that my brothers and I aren't more 'in touch' as people. We aren't a close family as I've no doubt said before.

So this is a slightly historical moment. As I write this blog entry, there is no released HOBBIT film, but as of six days time there will be one at the cinema.
Life moves on and things change. You just have to embrace it a little.

Self preservation above all

The nightmare happened again last night. I was back in a relationship and felt conflicted and trapped. I find these dreams unfair on my ex wife to be.
In real life we have no bother but in my dreams she is at her worst, stirring up my self hatred. I awake in a cold sweat and thankfully in an empty bed. Then I feel sad that the memory of being married has led to a 'nightmare' at all.
It all seems very over the top.
But it obviously has effected my very deeply. I am still sworn off relationships as I write this almost two years after the separation but that also brings with me thoughts of being ALONE forever until death.
But when I think hard about it, it's the more peaceful option.
I couldn't bear to lose my partner and this way I don't have to.
Even I think I'm strange.
I'm always running away from life that's my problem.
Self preservation is key.

Xmas run up 2012

I made my son be the celebrity to turn on my Christmas lights in my house at the weekend. I gave him a proper introduction and everything. He was happy.
We also saw Santa Claus at the local Methodist church where my boy received a present which turned out to the sweets. "That's not a present" he said.

I recorded my radio show in a freezing studio and vocalised my thoughts on not continuing in the new year if I didn't have any listeners anyway. Its a lot of effort for nothing.
After that I picked up a local lad who has 'mediumstic' abilities and interviewed him at my house. He interested me and made it quite a rewarding process. I feel I'm networking and learning at the same time.
The cinema held my interest on a couple of trips too and listened to podcast en route so as to kill two birds with one stone.
I had a nice chat online with a friendly ex girlfriend. It always messes with my head a little but I also find it cathartic and rewarding in ways. Ill never get used to them talking about their current relationships though. I guess ill always feel possessive of my ex's, which is strange. I think I'm more possessive when I'm not with them.
It's good to have any contact at all though and I respect her.
I'm not sure I would like to be in his shoes though or how he's feel to know we were having these friendly conversations.
They are totally harmless chats but I know how they can make the other person feel.

I don't want that but then I've nothing to worry about.

I'm in a really good head place at the moment providing I'm left alone. Christmas will be good with my son and I relish the first day of the new year. A new page in a new diary. 2012 has been kind to me. But that also means upset is closer still as nothing stays the same forever. All I need is my son. He completes me.