My body, the prison.

I sat down to watch something as mundane as Coldplay MX world tour documentary and during the concerts build up I connected with the build up of the intro music. The crowds excitement swelled with anticipation as I saw their faces light up as the first song started.
I actually shivered as tears swelled but didn't fall. The concert goers who were daubed in fluorescent make up let all there enjoyment show.
And there came my realisation.....I cannot SHOW my emotions. I mean the tears welled and I held them back but in my life, I don't allow myself to express physically. Why? Because I'd be in tears all the time. I stand like a statue at gigs and try not to laugh out loud at films or comedians for example.
It's as if the feelings are Too much for me to harness.
Ironically the first Coldplay song was Hurts Like Heaven which I read as a song about this kind of thing among other things, but then we bring to the song our own meanings.
But the problem was identified , I struggle to SHOW not FEEL as has been my understanding in the past until my son was born and I realised that I can love my child freely.

It's like there's hurt in me as well as joy but they are intertwined. I cannot seperate joy and pain. I think I finally allow myself to be self critical enough to say that my teenage pains especially were invented , but this fact also makes me sad that that element is in me.
All this makes me feel so small.
This post is a tiny splinter which will be lost in the forest which is the Internet.
"Lost like tears in the rain" as they say on BLADERUNNER.

My voice is useless to most, but to my son its important of course and that is all it takes to make my life have purpose.
I feel trapped in my own body in so many ways, whether it is this struggle to emote or to love freely, or how plain I look, or how uninteresting I am etc. my physical body can't even do the activities which I enjoy doing, such as drawing or writing. I do draw and write anyway obviously but when others do it, its done better.

My body is the prison, not my mind or my dreams.