Reincarnation and the meaning of our existence

Had another great Monday tea time with my son at his grandmas as we played iPad Batman Lego game. We make a great team. I told him I loved him as ever and he said he wanted to live with me one day plus the usual 'I love you more than mum' to which I always say 'don't say that to mum'.
Then I said 'do you say to mum that you love her more than me?' And he said 'no- ill tell her that I don't love you then, to make her feel better'. I said 'don't do that! What if mum then tells dad that you said that you didn't love him?...how would I know you we're joking?'
He replied ' I'll warn you!'
Conniving little so and so and he's only four.

I just heard a song on the radio which evoked a strong memory.
I don't know the artist but its called 'Thats Just The Way It Is (something's will never change)'. I remember one Sunday morning in the 80's I think, listening to Radio 1 as my mum pottered. I was sat at our round dining room table with paper and pen trying to write a story. This song came on and I churned out about three a4 sides as the song inspired a 'feeling' which I'd never genuinely had myself but could understand. It was the same feeling which watching The Wonder Years gave me. (I have now started watching The Wonder Years again and that same feeling of reflection resonates through my bones, except now I reflect on watching it the First time also).
I was born soul searching, that's all I know. Why? Well it's interesting actually. I'm not sure if in doing my ghost/medium work/interviews I have stumbled upon a theory which to me, holds water. Basically, do we have the option to resit life? Life seems to centre around spiritual learning and evolution/progression. Be it through religion or otherwise. We learn, we progress. If we resit earths existence we essentially have our memories wiped but some fragments remain. This can cause déjà vu in some cases or even past life recollection. It feels to me that in my personal case, that would explain a lot.

My life now and especially my inner soul feels so incredibly complete, or should I say, more compete than I ever thought possible,(there's always room for growth). I wish I could share my happiness like a 'happy fairy'- ok bad example. BUT there's only one way from here, down! And god knows life will kick me in the testicles before long.

A letter to alcohol.

Transcendence through Tarot readings.

The sun broke the bedroom blind this morning in the mistaken belief that I had to be somewhere like work, but I didn't. But hey I got up anyway. I shoved on my headphones and listened to a few podcast whilst cleaning pretty thoroughly in the run up to my sister visiting to discuss 'bills and how to pay them'. She's never lived alone before and so needs a breakdown about how it all works. Now although I'm no authority on how to get the best deal, I have experience is doing a wrong and learning from it.
So I had my first family visit to mine in two years. We had a productive chat and I only touched upon the future breakup which may or may not happen and the boredom which inevitable will definitely happen.
It wasn't long after I'd finished watching 'Compliance' that my mate arrived and helped me move an old tv to the local tip. It was damn heavy.
More Netflix followed along with making food to share out over the week and final bits of straightening up.
I finally learnt my final Tarot cards meaning and arrived at the time for my first practice reading for myself. I shuffled the cards thoroughly, or so I reckoned. When I laid out the spread, they were all Major Arcana cards which were close together. However I just read them as found. To me utter pleasure they read something along the lines of....
The here and now....positive things connected with fate are happening right now.
Desires......to be a hermit and doing some soul searching.
Positive aspects......an inner strength is pushing me to be the best I can be.
Outcome....the perfect idealised version of love ahead. The embodiment of the romantic ideal.

Of course it could well be bollocks, but I loved the truth which seemed laid out in front of me. There was also a warning to enjoy the good times right mow as times change constantly.

I've said that same thing on these pages. I believe with my son being four years old that this is the pinnacle of our innocent times together and I embrace that fully. I love being single. I love not drinking and having just enough cash to cover what I need.
Balance and restraint are rewarding me with a constant pleasure which I hope will stay forever. Whereas I tell myself that my evolution has reached it's peak....the cards suggest I will transform further and into a higher state.

Naturally, I choose to believe that.

So hallelujah!

Although maybe the only way is down from here. But while I'm near the top, I'm going to enjoy the view.

Cinema and sports thoughts.

I drove (carefully) to the cinema to watch IRON MAN 3 and can report that its brilliant. Just which Marvel superhero movie will drop the ball? Thor 2? Captain America 2? I may go back and see it in 3-D with my son yet but we'll see. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend with my boy actually as the weather forecast isn't great. On Sunday I'm giving the cinema a miss (I think) as my sister is coming to my house to talk about paying bills when you live in your own home. Plus I have my mate coming to move a behemoth of a tv to the tip in his car. Still a quiet one I think you'll agree.
I'm feeling the pleasures of living alone but the one thing you don't get is the option to share your pleasure with a partner. The idea of two of you both witnessing a relaxing afternoon is a good one but not possible. A/ because I'm single and B/ because inevitably the second person doesn't quite see it how you do anyway.
But if life were perfect then two people could feel EXACTLY the same feelings at the same time.
10:59pm.
Sometimes I don't recognise myself. I guess I'm so used to being a fuck up that when I'm plain sailing through life I think I must be missing something. I've had no bad moods or had others mess up my day recently. This laying low was definitely a good idea but the upshot is you feel literally invisible. But since that is what I aim for generally, I'm not going to moan. If no one can see me then no one can spoil my day.
How long have I been sober now? Erm coming up 22 months I believe. No drink or drugs or silliness has put me wrong in all that time. No tears, no depression, no self harm............am I fixed? No, not deep inside. I'm not wired any different it's just that certain destructive circuits have been without power (alcohol) for so long they feel utterly inactive and powerless.
Oh before I go I must tell you this.
This morning on the school run my son was saying "why do girls do gymnastics instead of PE? It's just moving!" This made me realise that I've said that about the Olympics pretty much (glorified playing out), and he shares my observations without us having and that conversation. Dancing and sports and just pointless 'moving'.
Anyway , I'm off to sleep.

Van repairs/TV fix.

My recent and previous to that, van bumps, were finally fixed yesterday. My boss paid in the end which seemed mightily unfair on work. I will endeavour to take better care of it all round from now on. I'll be forever grateful of having a works vehicle since having to get the train home the other day. I'm very lucky.
I couldn't live the life I do without transport and to get it for free is beyond cool.

My son is sat next to me in bed watching 'Big Bad Beetleborgs' and eating cereal. He has a school trip to go on an Insect hunt today. The weekend together is almost upon us. So I've just got this overcast Thursday to tackle today which includes a school run and watching IRON MAN 3.
I've been tacking some heavy tv watching this week.
Including...
Game Of Thrones series 2
Warehouse 13 series 2
Wilfred (Elijah Wood)

So being alone is very enjoyable as ever.

York

York.
Today I'm going to York with my friend for the day. This trip and others are designed to create something to look back on at the end of the year and have something we say we did. It's very easy to see a year pass by with little to show for it. I don't think my friend would mind me saying this applies to him more than me. But together we both will share a trip or two a year (hopefully) and enjoy doing something cultural rather than sitting at home or in a boozer.
So it's a 9am set off for us on our 'pilot episode' if you will.

We went to the national railway museum, Jorvik Viking Centre, museums, art galleries, minster and wetherspoons for a coke. It was a different but rewarding day out. My legs were painful after yesterday and we walked a lot.
We spoke of going to Hadrian's Wall next maybe. We were lucky with the weather for one thing as it showered back home. By seven pm I was sat on my couch watching 'Grabbers' which I enjoyed.
By 9:30 pm I was in bed lights out.

So the day was a success and probably one of my best weekends.

The best day ever.

My son and I chose today to go to Yorkshire Dales Ice Cream and wow what a great day. The children's play area is awesome as it is made up of wooden structures such as castles, tractors and boats etc. he spent ages playing in their before we enjoyed our picnic in the van. When we started to get bored we payed for him to go in the barns where they have tube tunnel slides and role swings constructed on stacked bales of hay. I had to throw him up the bale steps each time as I struggled to climb up myself. Then I'd go the bottom and fill the bottom of the slide with the foam brakes which were used as a crash Matt. We were there for four tiring hours as the sun shone on the day.
He said "this is the most awesomest place ever!"
We got back to mine for a couple of hours of playing with his toys in his bedroom before I drove him home. We both had great fun and had created a memory which will hopefully stay with us for life.
At his, my ex's latest bloke was decorating the living room. It seems they are making their fresh mark on the place together. Deleting signs of us I guess which is what you do isn't it. I chuckled, I don't ever have to do shitty decorating again thank god.

I went to the cinema to see THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES which I knew little about. What unfolded was a masterpiece in my eyes.
It made me appreciate again what a blessing today had been.
I actually think that today has been my best day ever so far. Plus add to this the knowledge that as my son gets older and I have a more detailed level of communication with him, our love will be more pronounced which will result in even more rewarding days ahead.
My spirit is lifted high today.
I love my son. He asked me how much I loved him as part of our little game. I made up a huge number and he made a longer one up and said I couldn't change my answer. Then he told me that I could remember that he loved me that much forever and hold it inside me if I ever got sad.

What a truly fucking amazing kid.

Scar tissue

I awoke once again with my heart beating fast. The dream lingered carrying with it, the emotions of being trapped. I'd dreamt of being in a relationship once again and being overwhelmed with the desire to escape it. It saddens me in a way that I don't fully grasp. Last week was self harm awareness week and that brought up a lot of memories. Infact it made me think hard about whether I was fully recovered from the desire to cut myself up.
The truth seemed to be that if I drank alcohol, I would probably lash out at my body again and the flood gates would be open once more.
It made me realise that my darkness isn't conquered, just controlled.
I thank myself lucky that I at least have it under control.
I guess I'll never be recovered fully.
I also imagine it may be a fight I have to fight in later life as my son and saviour gets his own interests and leaves me sidelined. He needs to do that, I understand but my brain will turn on me.
But for today, I shall have another blissful couple of days in my beloved sons company. 4 is such a great age and he's such an amazing person. The gift that keeps on giving. I pray he isn't self destructive. I'm sure he won't be.
I have come to collect him without needing my coat so the weather must be on the turn.
I feel alone in life. But that's for the best. We can never be truly NOT alone. We are one body, and in that we reside until it stops working.
A man on the news celebrated his 116 birthday today making him the oldest man ever so far. He retired at 64 thinking he was nearing his twilight years.

We never know whats around the corner.

Just another day.

These past couple of days, I've felt on edge. A nervousness in my gut which I can't pin down. Maybe it's my high sugar intake or just tiredness. Whatever it is its making me feel 'looked at and judged'. But don't I always feel like that?
I'm sure it will pass but I just thought I'd mention it. I'm going to York for the day very soon with a friend, I hope that shakes the cobwebs off.
If I had a super power it would to be invisible and I'd use it right now.
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It's a few hours later now and the feeling mentioned above has passed. Hmmm
I'm going to concentrate on working on my aunties novel again tonight. Some editing and drawings are needed. I feel its 98% her baby but she pushes it at half and half. It really isn't.
But I'm putting some time into the project at the end of the day.
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The Life of our fading soul.

Let's say we get seventy years, generally, of empty years on which to paint our lives. We have no real rules about what we fill this time with, although society would probably have it that we procreate perhaps at some stage, but that's not true for all. It was upon returning from taking my stepson to see a cinema double bill this afternoon that this 'blank canvas' struck me. He'd stayed over last night and we had finished our time together, and I'd dropped him home after sampling my usual Sunday. When Sundays hours slowly tick by especially, there's the sense of having to use your time wisely. But then I realised that who's to say what is a wise use of time. My four hours in the darkness of the cinema was undoubtably a waste of time as viewed by the dog walking couple which I drove past. I guess you have to ask yourself what's a good way to spend your time. Time is finite, or at least that's the best thing to assume. But also we mustn't bring ourselves into a manic way of thinking, which may drive us crazy as we get stressed about our activities. Does it really matter if we do fuck all? Does it really benefit us upon dying If we explored the world from top to bottom in our life? Would we remember after death? So what is the outcome of this conversation? I guess we merely procreate and give others the opportunity to have a go at this ridiculous 'life'.
I spend the time on writing this blog, but for what? No doubt it will get deleted or simply unread after I die which is the same. I am but a speck of dust, temporarily important to family, only for the older ones to start dying and forgetting you. Then you die and are deleted further. Followed by your children's children thinking less and less of you as the generations fade. We are ultimately forgotten from our conception in ever growing amounts. So I guess we can safely mess about as we try to achieve a happiness or merely a level of contentment whilst here on this rock. Religion? I guess you can follow that structure if it leads to happiness as explained before.
I'm lucky to have over half my life yet (hopefully) to fill and obsess over, before I check out. I don't know if I can see the 'point' of it all clearly or if I am infact a bit screwed up with all this introspection. Is it unhealthy to think too much over and over? Surely its unhealthy to saunter through life and let the moments pass by unused or unwitnessed. My diaries account for every important and unimportant event which my life clocks up. On my dying day I can pull up memories from across my time and hold my life in words in two outstretched arms. My spirit will be embedded in these words until they are destroyed too, along with the memory of me.

A Golden Time

2013, mid April. We there's some more of my life gone. I'm still happy and contributing to some fulfilling hobbies so I guess I'm living my life well , by my own standards that is. I watch people around me struggle to get a couple of hours to themselves and sigh a huge sigh of relief as I sit and do whatever the hell I want. Even when my four year old comes round I get to do stuff I'm happy doing. We play consoles and watch tv series together along with playing make believe. I have started to consider this phase of my life a 'golden time' as my son and I hang out together and get the best out of each other. My body is ageing and I won't be able to jump around play fighting forever. He himself will have his own life ten years from now where I imagine I will be sidelined to a good extent. But I'm happy because I'm 'aware' of this and so i embrace the time.
I'm hanging out with my stepson this weekend too which I enjoy a lot. He's currently 15 so I guess I only have two or three years of being able to see him properly. I'm so amazingly lucky to find myself with everything I need and have such freedom of choice. But ultimately I'm thankful for my level of happiness. It took my son being born to emerge from the foggy dark world of isolation that I lived in until then. But we've been over that haven't we.

Tv...the drug of the nation.

I started to watch THE WONDER YEARS again from the start today. It brings back memories of the mid to late 1980's when I'd watch it on a Sunday teats me on my bedroom and find that some if the episodes made me weep with their looking back on a life past subject matter. (I also cried at THIRTYSOMETHING).
Watching it again today I felt that sense of belonging once more and saw just how important the style was to me. The programme is a grown up reflecting and remembering his youth with a bit of an acerbic wit along the way. Now when I first watched this years ago I would already of written a diary. Now we jump to today and I still write my diary and yet I also do this blog which is THE WONDER YEARS through and through. Humbling.
My most recent discovery is a programme called WILFRED which I've been interested in for ages. I love it so far even though its a bit mental. So there's a thirty year span of my life with little tv tastes having changed. With all my various libraries of film, cinema and TV watching I could never leave the house again and still fill my days. Who has time for a girlfriend?
Tv is like a drug for me.
It just makes me so happy.

Childish man/childish talk

Monday night ghost investigations don't agree with me. My eyes have rebelled after their 1am bedtime and 6am rise. I've had less sleep before but it's never a nice feeling is it? I didn't enjoy the 'event' either. Most people gave great feedback but all I ever remember is the bad review. I say review, what we had was a man who seemed bonkers suddenly making himself look a dick and storm out saying he had been thrown out of our event. The truth was that members of the public said "why are you here then?" after he sounded off saying it was all "fucking bollocks" .
I hate doing our public events. I hate it because it seems that we are expected to 'put on a show' for the people or have all the answers. All I wanna do is explore this interest with like minded people. It's not my JOB to convince you of spirit. Plus the tickets were free for fucks sake.

But that is over now let's move on.
When I collected my son from holiday club the other day I watched him via a reflection in a door window section as he ate his tea with his friends. I didn't want him to rush through noticing me. The discussion at the table was about the Easter bunny. My son listened and ate while another boy asked "How does the Easter bunny get inside my house and leave me eggs?"
Another child finished his mouthful and said "Maybe he can jump high?"
Either this youngster had not fully thought his suggestion through or he knew his friend lived a house without a roof. It was amusing and cute for me to watch and listen to. Last night my son was hyper and giddy when I dropped him home and reopened his house door as I was about to drive off
"I love you Dad" he shouted into the street and the. Raised me a trucker's thumbs up. What a guy!

Digital society and self reflections.

As my Sunday evening draws to its quiet conclusion, I rose out of the bath and stared at my 38 year old body for a second as I dried. Not fat, not old looking excepting a few white chest hairs. It's my hairline which always catches my attention, its not that its disappeared, but more that its remained forwards in the middle of my head. I had to chuckle at myself as I asked "what are you doing here living alone?" As if this was just a stubborn phase as a means of expressing my childishness. But no. It's not.
With the weighing up of why I am indeed living alone I feel a sadness briefly that it turned out that way and yet its mixed with a euphoria of having had the balls to save myself, to perform a 'controlled explosion' as it were, and pull the plug for both our benefits. One of the main problems with having a bath is that you get time to reflect.
Marriage itself is like the final stage of a computer game......the baddie boss which you must beat, if you will. Well I couldn't beat it. I had to out the control down and shout loudly..."what is to be gained from finishing this game in the long run?"
So yes, marriage is a 'game which I never finished but on the other hand (to continue the analogy), I've gone outside to play alone instead. I don't see it that I don't have a partner but rather that I have every partner at once. I am free to talk to anyone, all the time.
I hold the reins of my life in my two white knuckled hands as I squeeze tightly on the leather straps keenly making sure I don't drop them again. I don't hear the silence, I never have. It's only when there is a second person with me that the 'noise' becomes overwhelming. The feeling of wanting to step out if the room is strong in these moments. I like interaction from afar. The digital age suits me entirely. I've always wanted my friends, family and colleagues to be be made with a switch off button so I can control their attentions.

So lets thank this less personable world for bringing us closer while putting a larger physical gap between us.

Tick tick tick....who needs friends?

My morning started with a cold feeling and I took that to show that my boiler had blown its pilot light out yet again. I warmed up by watching Breaking Bad in bed before a hot shower powered me to relight it. And then relight it and then relight it.......for two hours. The answer is to try and trick it. Once I lit it and turned it to warming the water only and not the radiators I found success. Then I slipped in to flick a switch to heating radiators when it wasn't looking and it carried on regardless. One to me you metal shit for brains.

I designed a flyer on my laptop for our PPS ghost team. Upon printing it I discovered that the print was blurry as to look like 3-D. It just looked rubbish and was the wrong size. I altered the settings and got further and further away from what I wanted. So two battles with inanimate objects today so far.
Today's excursions are so far cancelled due to my washing my coat finally last night and the radiators not drying it out. So its lunchtime and I'm sat watching another a Breaking Bad and a lot of remnants on my Sky planner. I'm enjoying myself but constantly questioning whether I could be spending my time better today. Well I probably could.........................so? I'm ok with it. I'm fine just slobbing around actually.
Tomorrow night is a PPS event for us in Bingley so I've been charging equipment and basically making sure I'm ready.
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Three hours later and I've done everything I wanted really. This must be what it's like to be elderly day after day. That's why they end up just siting for hours or having a nap. I'm not bored, but I have plenty of time left in my weekend. Usually I would be at the cinema watching three films in a row. That wastes seven hours including travel which is pretty much the main bit of daytime.
I've left the best thing for last.......I've yet to watch a film, so I'm going to put on my home cinema system and close the blinds for 90 mins. Who needs friends when I've got the voices?

No hidden corners

Well today is the day. I'm usually with my son but today he's gone to Essex with his mum. I've come to Leeds to buy my son some presents towards his birthday. I got some cool stuff from Forbidden Planet. Aside from at the new roof on a part of the city, there's surprisingly little to excite me. I'm glad that there's not a load of stuff to spend money on.
I've not been in this city in ages and I barely pass through any city other than to go endlessly to the cinemas. In my first shopping centre I was greeted by a girl with a vast amount of makeup on who said "Hello there, I've got a present for you..." She said this stood in front of a stall advertising something so I was under no illusion that she had been bowled over at the mere sight of me.
"I'm not interested" I said.
Her face dropped and she said "What?" As if she really never expected that response. I walked on. I pondered her puzzled expression thinking 'what was she expecting?'
The streets were quiet due to it being nine am. I headed to the bank to get my boring bank stuff done and was greeted by a pretty girl who was to do my 'bank stuff'. I admired her prettiness and saw my own reflection off a screen over her shoulder. The two images would never go together and I wouldn't be interested if they did. But even though I don't want a girlfriend ever again, I don't feel as DETACHED as I thought I would end up feeling. It's over two years since my marriage ended and I count this as my first journey back into society properly. I've treated myself to a coffee in a chain of Costa. I write this upstairs in there now, sipping on a Mocha Latte, whatever the fuck that is. Whatever is in it, I'm sure I'm being ripped off at £2.75.

I see society as a mix of kids growing into adults, couples who will one day resent each other, couples who already resent each other and weirdos who look like they've slept on the streets all night.
On Saturdays over a decade ago I used to do this same 'sit and write' deal but accompanied by alcohol. I feel a progression that I'm not drinking beer and I'm only not with my son due to special circumstances.

I know who I am inside. There are no hidden corners anymore. I only have to see my reflection t see who I am on the outside. I slightly resent this older version staring back at me with his high hairline. I've never looked like the cool hunk I wished I'd been. But then when I was buying vouchers in River Island I looked at all the 'trendy' staff with their wacky ways and not only felt my uncool place in the world but thought they were cunts. Which helped.
Do they really know who they are underneath that makeup or hair spray?

I also realised that I knew where my happiness was to be found....... It's wherever my son is. I could be in the shittest grimy backstreet pub and if he was with me he would be a ray of brilliant light illuminating all the grot away so that I thought I was in heaven.
I look forward to this sunlit mid year so that we can make this Leeds journey together and see different stuff learning about the changing world as we went.

Anyway no more talk of him today or ill cry at his changing my life so amazingly.

I Intend to wander slightly more before I venture to foster square Bradford and buy one more figure of Band from Argos. Then I shall watch at least one film at Cineworld and head home. Then Sunday will have to be filled........ Probably with cinema again. I don't socialise like normal people since I stopped drinking. Or in fact ever ha ha.

Plans afoot.

It's the end of a Thursday night where I actually made the decision to leave the tv off all evening. I didn't think I'd do it but I did it all the same. This meant that I finally dictated my latest interview with a psychic medium from a month ago. That put me at a nice straight edge for our ghost investigation event next week. My son is going on a break with family and it has left me to twiddle my thumbs for a few days. Rather than go slightly mad I've chosen to cruise alone to Leeds. This is something Ive not done in a decade. The last time I was in Leeds when I was single wound have been on a drinking mission with mates. I actually look forward to my coffee and blog experience. I'll miss my boy terribly though. I'm sure the cinema will see my face at some point, that goes without saying. Whatever makes me happy, that's what I'll do.
I hope we finally have a brighter weather situation than we've had up until now.
I've still got a lot to get done on too of these new plans which makes for a busy Saturday. I hope that I get to see my son on Monday evening in the end, otherwise it will seem way too long between seeing him. I guess if he's ok and healthy then I shouldn't complain. I know some kids who have broken limbs currently and I don't have that to contend with at least.
I don't know if its the clocks going forward which has fucked with my sleep or what, but I'm exhausted.
So I'm off to sleep. See yuz guys.

April 2013

What's up guys! I'm Chris Whitehouse and ill be your guide over the next couple of minutes. I enjoyed my Easter break a lot with my son and I playing PS3 a lot. We have bonded even further in doing these games together.
I seem to have fallen into 'lazy' mode after the snowfall broke up my cinema routine. I observe myself chilling out on my couch far more than in the last twelve months. I'm finally managing to live out my 'hermit' existence.
My beautiful son is being taken on a holiday this weekend and our time together will be cut short. The only way that I can handle the empty hours of not seeing him is to make the most of not seeing him if you see my meaning. Embrace it, and if at all possible... Enjoy it.
Its April and we finally have some sun although the snow hasn't totally left us either. It's been a weird year so far. I personally feel like I'm flying so high and separately from society that I picture myself above the clouds looking down at the ants far below and not feeling a connection.
I had the realisation that I'm still in my thirties and how relatively young that still is. I anticipate having six decades left yet, which seems like a long time.
Of course it's possible that I may be cut down before that.
I can't make up my mind if I'd rather be informed of my life expectancy one day or not. If someone have me two months to live, I don't think I'd do anything different. I'm up to date with my affairs which is a wonderful feeling.
On the other hand I also feel like most people's view would be that I'm missing out on life by not drinking or socialising. But I'm happy with how I'm managing my time and believe in my happiness.
I trust it.

So welcome to April readers. 2013 style.