As my Sunday evening draws to its quiet conclusion, I rose out of the bath and stared at my 38 year old body for a second as I dried. Not fat, not old looking excepting a few white chest hairs. It's my hairline which always catches my attention, its not that its disappeared, but more that its remained forwards in the middle of my head. I had to chuckle at myself as I asked "what are you doing here living alone?" As if this was just a stubborn phase as a means of expressing my childishness. But no. It's not.
With the weighing up of why I am indeed living alone I feel a sadness briefly that it turned out that way and yet its mixed with a euphoria of having had the balls to save myself, to perform a 'controlled explosion' as it were, and pull the plug for both our benefits. One of the main problems with having a bath is that you get time to reflect.
Marriage itself is like the final stage of a computer game......the baddie boss which you must beat, if you will. Well I couldn't beat it. I had to out the control down and shout loudly..."what is to be gained from finishing this game in the long run?"
So yes, marriage is a 'game which I never finished but on the other hand (to continue the analogy), I've gone outside to play alone instead. I don't see it that I don't have a partner but rather that I have every partner at once. I am free to talk to anyone, all the time.
I hold the reins of my life in my two white knuckled hands as I squeeze tightly on the leather straps keenly making sure I don't drop them again. I don't hear the silence, I never have. It's only when there is a second person with me that the 'noise' becomes overwhelming. The feeling of wanting to step out if the room is strong in these moments. I like interaction from afar. The digital age suits me entirely. I've always wanted my friends, family and colleagues to be be made with a switch off button so I can control their attentions.
So lets thank this less personable world for bringing us closer while putting a larger physical gap between us.
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