I awoke once again with my heart beating fast. The dream lingered carrying with it, the emotions of being trapped. I'd dreamt of being in a relationship once again and being overwhelmed with the desire to escape it. It saddens me in a way that I don't fully grasp. Last week was self harm awareness week and that brought up a lot of memories. Infact it made me think hard about whether I was fully recovered from the desire to cut myself up.
The truth seemed to be that if I drank alcohol, I would probably lash out at my body again and the flood gates would be open once more.
It made me realise that my darkness isn't conquered, just controlled.
I thank myself lucky that I at least have it under control.
I guess I'll never be recovered fully.
I also imagine it may be a fight I have to fight in later life as my son and saviour gets his own interests and leaves me sidelined. He needs to do that, I understand but my brain will turn on me.
But for today, I shall have another blissful couple of days in my beloved sons company. 4 is such a great age and he's such an amazing person. The gift that keeps on giving. I pray he isn't self destructive. I'm sure he won't be.
I have come to collect him without needing my coat so the weather must be on the turn.
I feel alone in life. But that's for the best. We can never be truly NOT alone. We are one body, and in that we reside until it stops working.
A man on the news celebrated his 116 birthday today making him the oldest man ever so far. He retired at 64 thinking he was nearing his twilight years.
We never know whats around the corner.
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