I've had little free time as I have mentioned. But Sunday night brought an investigation in Hebden Bridge where we set up our Ouija board in a hotel room and had names and addresses given through the board  etc so we can try verify the details. Once the 
Ub was enclosed downstairs then we tried having the spirits tip and shove the heavy pub tables. It took about two minutes for them to get the hang of it. These were very heavy and yet as our hands rested on top, the table shook and lurched across the floor and round in circles. Now comes the evidence review hassle. I was lucky enough that circumstances deemed it possible for me to have my son sleep at mine an extra night this week. I can hear his breathing as I write this. 
He is changing each week and it's a joy to watch. I won't go on about it as you know how I feel about him. 
My head is swimming still from getting in last night at 1:30AM and yet starting work at 7AM. 
There's one thing I don't enjoy about sleeping alone and that is the lack of other body heat in bed. I have to stay stock still on the runway warmth of my own body. As I tussle in bed, I feel the uninhabited places brush my skin and I get a chill. 
I decided not to get worked up about being behind with my writing each day whilst I have so much on. None of it is actually important. 
It's nearly December and my year of rehabilitation is almost up. Lessons learnt. No love lost. New horizons set sights on. As I may have mentioned, this is the top of the mountain, and the view is good. Life is quiet above the clouds. I will emerge from my chrysalis into 2012 looking the same but with brighter innards. My software will have changed, maybe that's a better way of putting it. 
Speak to you soon, overtime permitting. 

This week has been a black hole so far. The speed of me juggling all the stuff I want to cram in plus responsibilities plus working over fourteen hour days where possible has meant that writing has pretty much not reached out of my atmosphere. I'm so far behind on writing up my movie reviews and ghost hunt findings that I may as well just draw a fresh line in the planetary sand and start from NOW.

'Modern Warfare 3' landed today so after my overtime I got home and started the campaign. It is awesome. I'm worried that I will plop through it too fast though. Online is still getting some tweaks so it wouldn't connect today. I have a pile of DVDs to watch including whole tv series that will consume time on their own. I haven't finished 'LA Noire' yet either. But this is a moan that I love. 
I can stuff my eyes with all the visual content I like without anyone saying "can we turn it off now?".
Bliss. 

The days black clouds shuffled in overhead whilst I worked, until the heavens opened and pissed on the lands, washing away the dirt of autumn. There is a palpable sense of change in the air as snow is tickling the Scottish highlands. I hope we don't get any so I can still have my boy. 

Well back to my little spare time for this Friday evening before work on Saturday. There's no rest 
 for the wicked. 

Excessive overtime hours and the late nights and early rises are maybe starting to play havoc. It's a good job I'm sober as alcohol on top of this scenario would be a killer. But as long as the money keeps getting raked in, the more relaxed I can become about each small amount I spend. I think the headaches that I am suffering from is due to a continuation of fix or six hour sleeps each night. But sod it, I will rest over the festive season. There are pleasures outside of the world of beer which continue to entertain me. My happiness continues to increase each week and my inner self belief is soaring. When the new year begins I think It will be the most contented I have ever been. 
I have emerged from the blackness of my soul and I stand in the light, purring downwards into the abyss from which I emerged. My life has been transformed in the last twelve months and the pain of that rebirth  is almost gone completely. There is just the cobweb residue to brush off and we can start the last half of my life. I feel like my life is a mountain and I am maybe reaching the pinnacle where I can see where I've been as well as where i am headed. Towards the end of my life I will take up drinking again and throw all that I have learnt onto paper. Painting, bleeding and writing my life force I to a number of images that will out live my body. 
The only thing that stands in the way of this master plan is the element of surprise. 
But maybe expecting a surprise will also take the surprise out of it when it comes to mess my plans up. 

I dared to look at the clock through the night. It didn't feel like it was time to get up but there's only so long that you can stare at the back of your eyelids before fatigue sets in. 3:04AM, damn it. 
"control your thoughts Chris, relax and you will drift back off......just don't think about work, oh god. 
What woke you? Maybe I am unsettled by the phone call from my sons mum. Oh shit I'm thinking about that now." maybe I will just lay here. Next thing was I was finally e mailing my long lost sister. The nerves in my body were fast asleep and so it felt easy. 
4:30AM. Why don't I watch 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' on itv player since I missed it.? Ah, because after that it will be only one hour until I get up for work. 
Anyway I did watch some of it and then managed to get an hours sleep. 

I then noticed that my e mail had been bounced as if it was spam. I contacted my older brother who said he would sort it. There was a moment where it became apparent that he had been the first of my brothers to contact this new relative. I had planned to be the first but it was probably better that I wasn't. 
Now I get to rewrite my e-mail 'sans' animosity towards my father. 

I worked three and a half hours over on top of a day where as much as I tried to do good work, the artwork I had been given was imperfect and I didn't spot it. I had the displeasure of being grunted at for not spotting it. In fact I had spotted it now and the person responsible had no idea and was getting no grunts his way. Hey it's all part of work and I'm lucky that I like my job. 

I should write more but L A Noire needs attending to as I've got Modern Warfare 3 arriving this week. 

The grey mists swirled in the head lamps of my van this morning as I navigated my way to the cinema. Sleep had stopped as if I was going to go to work. My body doesn't understand that things work differently at the weekend. Idiot body.
The cinema lobby was quiet apart from like minded singletons stood waiting for their early morning escape. I had travelled to see 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn' (PT 1) and I the few faces I noticed were all females. Surely I could watch this film too right? No need to feel daft? If they could come to watch Jake or Edward then I could come and watch Kristen Stewart or whatever her name is, Bella Swan. 
The trailers this time had a better one for 'The Darkest Hour' which I really think I will enjoy and yet fear the usual disappointment. The girls near me said that it looked too scary for them. It doesn't look Scary!
Jesus how do these people cross the road if these things are scary?
In Twilight there was a wedding scene which involved families getting chocked up through being happy and proud and such but I found myself taking the odd line and thinking of how proud a father I was and I welled up a couple of times. This made me feel so stupid. What if the crowd thought I was teary because Edward and Bella were getting married. "oh now I look a right fairy" I thought. Then a baby was born later and I welled up again as the proud parents spoke of how much they loved it. (oh for fucks sake, I'm welling up again!) 
Will I ever not nearly cry when I think of my love for my son?. I hope it will settle but I fear it won't. 

Anyway afterwards I went home and played 'Modern Warfare 3' and 'LA Noire' on the PS3. Another lazy day to myself. Another wave of guilt that I am not sat in the same home as my son. And so yet another going over of the reasons why I did the right thing. It can be a little like purgatory for me. It's just another form of self harm I think. 
I watched 'Peep Show' and saw them getting pissed and I pictured myself getting drunk. I just know that it would be petrol to a small flame. So I had another coffee instead. It was mid afternoon when darkness crept across my window and made it feel like it was night. 
So I played some music that I liked but that only makes me want to drink too. I don't think anyone appreciates my battle with drink. I think I underestimate it. First the drink then the moods and then the self harm? Maybe I don't give myself the credit or maybe I feel so happy without it that I fear losing this pleasant life I have created. 
God I'm so fucking reflective sometimes. Even as I write this I am not feeling down at all. 
Just guilty that I'm not with my son. 

Oh I need to read in the bath for a bit.  

I bore myself. I need to keep my mind busy but then when I sit watching tv and films all day I wonder if I am wasting my time......it looks like I am not. 

Whatever makes you happy right? 

If you know how to make yourself happy, you should do it. 

My son's nursery told me that they may be taking some of the kids to the cinema soon. I wondered if it was too loud for children so young but I also didn't want to not be the first to take him. 
So we went to the one pound showing of 'RIO' which I had avoided on its original run due to the annoying orange phone tie in commercial before every film around the time of its release.
I explained to my son that we were going to watch a big telly. He didn't really get it until I showed him on google images. On our way there I could tell that he was excited at the idea, asking if every building was the cinema. We got sat down amongst the other parents and children near the front. He had said that he would be quiet through the film. So he sat and enjoyed the mediocre animated story whilst eating and drinking his contraband that I had smuggled in. It was a proud moment being the one to take him first. Shame about the film but he loved going. As much as I love films, I am not going to inflict it on him all the time as I think it can be loud and uncomfortable for you when you are so small. 
I do look forward to taking him again though now he knows what it's like. He wants to see 'Arthur Christmas' but that is what nursery is proposing to go to. 

I'm looking at another fourteen hour day at work. I'm happy to put the hours in if I get the money for it back. The job I chose to print is running like a dream so I am happy about that too. My Christmas presents for others have started to arrive today so I should be all done by December. My work mate says he hates people like me who are so organised. He's a Christmas eve shopper. 
The questions about whether I will be drinking alcohol at Christmas still keep coming. I wonder if heroin addicts get asked if they will be partaking of a line at Xmas. 
I.     Don't.   Drink.  

Perhaps there is a Christmas rule I don't know about which means you can do anything and not have it count. 
So maybe they are right. 
Maybe I will be discovered with a prostitute snorting drugs whilst a smoke cigarettes and gamble. 
"ah don't judge, it's Xmas so none of this counts!"

A fourteen hour working day on my feet ended with the reward of apple crumble and custard whilst watching 'Max Payne'. Recently I have noticed a lot of mentions of people reflecting on their lives and saying that it has flown by. The other day on the radio it was said the Michael Jackson died in 2009 and that is frightening as it seems much more recent. Anyway it got me to thinking that people who live life to the full and enjoy themselves a great deal probably have their lives flash by because they are so full. I on the other hand have always shunned 'Fun'. Fun is disappointing because it never lives up to its promise like so much else. These people who are adrenalin  junkies will see the years pass by scarily fast whereas I believe my life will actually pass at a slower rate. Of course it's all subjective.
Fun size chocolate which are dished out at parties are too small. "all the fun of the fair"...fun fairs are cheap and nasty. 
Yes I look forward to seeing each moment trickle through my fingers whilst I document it and stick it in a scrap book. 

Now may second point is once again the merits of living alone after having a 'loved one' make you miserable. I come home each night and never have anyone say that I am 'in a funny mood' and i never address myself in a funny tone of voice or give myself a snappy answer. Now even if I did come home in a bad mood it would be difficult for me not to be ok with that state and therefore I would as good as never notice it. No one to tell me about the conversations which happened at work which I have no interest in. No one to point out my foibles as if they are doing me a favour. 
I am king of my own universe. For a selfish person that is very important.  

Sleep didn't come easily. I was still buzzing from my long day of doing whatever I wanted. But eventually, come it did. Two minutes before the alarm went off I looked at the clock. My body knew the routine. I believe I was dreaming that I was talking to Ricky Gervais. That was a first. Usually I am good mates with Chris Martin from Coldplay. He trusts me and asks me advice in his kitchen. Nice bloke.
Work was seven hours of problems that stopped me from jumping into print action. Then the last hour plus was rushing to get done so that I could see my son for tea. Tomorrow will be a long working day but as I left work I still felt guilty. 

Three blogs in a day??
It must be the copious amounts of coffee I've drank/drunk. Plus the 'inspiration' factor. 
I have finished two paintings today and written stuff as well as watched 'pearl jam-20'. I was never into Pearl Jam at the time but I find many music documentaries inspiring. Other things can inspire me to put another pebble on the pile of creative rocks. 'Exit Through The Gift Shop' gave me a burst of creativity plus most recently (before today) 'Howl'. It would seem sobriety can be a good head space for artistic splatterings. Add music to the mix and I find my feelings come to the fore. This would normally lead to drink and it certainly came to mind today but it's not what I need....I think I am afraid of it a little now. Maybe I believe if I drank I would be let ting my son down. 
I took a photo of may son and I together and I saw it on my iPad today and it made me so happy that I was overcome and almost cried. I think if I was here on my own for a week with nothing to occupy me I would lose myself too deeply in my head. I've enjoyed today and it has been productive and therefore I am ready to work the next week, overtime as necessary too. I'm seeing my boy again tomorrow too which is fantastic even after having him for a day and a half this weekend. 
It's absolutely awesome being able to see him and have time alone. It's the perfect balance and so I know it will not last. Someone will alter the balance and I will look back on this time as golden. 
EVERYTHING CHANGES.

But just as we know everything changes day to day...we can do a little piece of something every so often which when viewed in the future, will add up to something monumental. I have my diaries to show for my life. I have all sorts of pieces of footage of my son which is turning into a montage of his life and he's only three. Now there is someone who will have his life documented as if he is famous, because to me, he is. 
No fucking doubt he will take it for granted because we all rebel against whatever is out on front of us. My mum has done so much for me and yet now I have come to take it for granted as part of her responsibilities as my mother. Even though I am adult enough to acknowledge this, it doesn't stop me from regressing back to an infant in her presence. 

I feel free from the trappings of life at the moment. I have created my son and so I have done all that I can to make a difference to the circle of life that Elton John sang about. When I stand before almighty God to justify my time on earth I shall present my little boy as my life's work. 
"Before he was born I was lost O Lord. After him I saw who I could be. He showed me the way to be a better person and yet also see worth on myself that I searched for from others. If he loves me then I am complete. So..for you to stand there and judge me Lord, is a bit fucking cheeky. I asked for your help for thirty years and I was forsaken. You gave me life but it was a life that was less than awe inspiring. I will go as far as to say you are fucking useless as a father figure and I don't want to be in your gang anyway. I suppose you knew I was going to say that aswell since you know every word I am going to utter. Life must be like one big repeat for you and you only have yourself to blame."

And with that he will smite me dead. 

So be it. 

I woke up and watched 'Fuck' and then some Sky recordings to start with. To follow I wrote a blog and then posted some film reviews to my tumblr pages. It was before 9am when I received a text from my brother informing me that my father had met his daughter finally. Due to this meeting I had been given my new (half) sister's e mail address. Although I am keen to get in touch I also have a wall stopping me. Because I am self obsessed and inward, I worry that I will throw too much detail at the poor women too quickly and not consider that she is the one who needs to be dealt with carefully. It must be a bit of a head fuck for her to get in contact with her REAL family after 44 years or so. It's the kind of shit I've seen on TV and thought it would rarely happen. 
So I will leave my dad and her to have their meeting sink in. I imagine it would have been upsetting for the, or at the very least provoking of a lot of hidden feelings. 

It's all weird. My dad is still a dick though.  

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

This morning I watched the 2005 documentary film called 'Fuck'. Obviously it's about language, and the F word in media and on the streets. It is apt that I had a run in with the word this weekend as my three year old repeatedly said it whilst climbing the stairs. I heard him say it but I was unclear as to whether he had actually said it or if he was just making a similar word up. I heard him say it about four times by the time he joined me to brush his teeth upstairs.
"What did you say?"
"Fucking" he said. 
"YOU DON'T SAY THAT WORD" I shouted. 
He smiled at me and giggled, thinking I was joking. I don't shout at him ever really unless we are just fooling around messing. 
"No, I am not joking" 
I went to get his clothes for a minute and when I came back he said.
"I said it quietly dad" 
"What?" 
"Fucking!"
I smacked him and shouted again. 
This time he cried. We reconvened downstairs and I told him that it is a naughty word that must not be said. I calmed him down but did not apologise for smacking him. I hope that memory will stay with him enough to not say it again until much older. 
I am not against swearing. But I'd rather he was 13 or so before he needed to use it and not in front of me. I first learnt swear words when I was 7 from the school playground. I used them in certain company from then on. I love language and choosing words though so I have an appreciation for swearing. If swearing didn't still carry any power and effect then I wouldn't bother using them. 
Here on this blog I am allowed to swear because you are a guest in my domain. There is a warning which you had to agree to before you entered and you can leave at any time. 
I don't want children subjected to it on the TV but I want to accept that they hear it on the streets from friends. As long as they know it can be offensive I am ok with it. 
They are words only though. Just a sequence of letters which can never be as hurtful as a punch in the face. I would not hit anyone through choice and yet I will write CUNT on here. It's a word. It is the power that you give them which makes it offensive. If I read that word for example then I know others may balk at it but I won't. In fact my ex wife and I both use that word for effect but NEVER for the female anatomy. 
We use it to mean horrible person or idiot. 
Bad language is everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. Sex is everywhere. It's just a matter of them being in their correct places. 

With a 50% rise in blog reader visits I have decided to not check my stats for the next few weeks as it clouds my judgement. I have to believe that what I write will never be read for it to be open and honest. However if I check the stats and see no one has visited, I admit that I feel down hearted. I guess that this exercise is just another way to seek acceptance from others. 
This past week has seen me watch full series from when I was about 19 and upwards. Lovefilm had sent me 'The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer', 'Bang Bang it's Reeves and Mortimer' and 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie.  These were TV episodes which were watched repeatedly in the same fashion as Monty Python once was, but these guys were more our era. It's all about the word play and the Englishness of the delivery at times. But when there were 'special' guest on these, watching them almost twenty years later just shows how time flies and that we are all slowly rotting. The tv showed me some faces that were very much 'of that time' such as model Caprice who was in the news this week in a story about how her looks had finally left her except for the plastic surgery which she eventually gave in about. 
I caught the top of my head in a mirror reflection at work and thought it was someone else. Scary. 
I like my hair short but can not get used to seeing this obviously older version of myself. It will only get worse. I think as Christmas approaches there will be more soul searching done. 
My son rang me tonight after I dropped him home because he had stood at the window waving but I didn't know and had not waved. I apologised and told him that I had just been and bought him a Christmas present sack and so I was forgiven. It was great hearing his voice even though we had only been parted for thirty minutes. He really is the centre of my universe and all that I require. 
22:36pm on a Saturday night and I am in bed droopy eyed. I promise to rise early though. Night.x

I picked my son up from nursery as soon as I could because he had a cough and so I wanted him home. 
We played games amongst watching his tv programmes and he says so many things which make me genuinely laugh that it's always a pleasure. Then we bought felt tip pens and made hand made Christmas cards for family. He can write his name at age three and its legible and he makes me so proud. Anyway, Bearing in mind that it is not the middle of November yet, we went to the garden centre to look at the decorations which are already advertised outside. We did not expect to see Santa Claus himself sat in a rickety wooden structure for all to see, this early in the season. My son, after looking around the rest of the shop, came back to Santa and paid our £2.50. We stepped over the invisible threshold and sat down next to him. My boy was given a badge with his name crudely scrawled upon it by the elderly keepers of saint nick. My son acted shy and whispered answers to Santa but I could see he was really happy. We took our Christmas present and headed for the exit. He was really pleased with his soft hammer which made a sound effect of smashing glass when struck. With his new toy and talking point, he headed home happy. 
I am looking forward to Christmas but I feel I have become overly prepared. I have bought advent calendars and a Christmas tree as well as having completed half my present shopping and so the six weeks weight will inevitably take the shine of the Xmas season by the time it arrives. 

Tonight I had settled down to watch 'Bang Bang it's Reeves and Mortimer' when I remembered that I had a private ghost investigation to attend. A part of me couldn't be bothered but I also knew that once I was returning I would be glad that I'd gone. The experience was much better than I had imagined. 
Having a new gauss meter to use propelled the night at the beginning. Down stairs our K2 meter flashed for no reason but then would only flash again one tiny blip on request. We used our Ouija board in the attic the house to contact the spirit which we had briefly conferred with last time. 
My gauss meter shrieked constantly at differing levels for a good five minutes reading some electrical energy where there had been none as we sat to the board. My team member first saw a flashing light in one corner and then my other team mate had her hair played with as another person saw a movement there too. 
Best of all was when we asked for the table to be tipped or thrown and slowly the table rocked then span under our fingertips before it was dragged around the small attic and rocked violently as we asked for it to be levitated. Finally we caught a good angle on video tape to review. It was a really good night for evidence and will be spoke about with enthusiasm for weeks to come. That is why I followed this path. 

Sometimes you need a little reminder why you do things in life. 
The only real downfall is that coffee I agreed to at 10:15pm. Plus I seemed to have a glorious nights sleep until my little boy came into my bed at 5:15am. 
I could be shattered tomorrow and It looks like I will be working over. 

Only a week into November and I've got a good start on my Christmas shopping. It feels good to be in control rather than out of control. Four months off the booze...well done me. My mental health is as stable as I can make it. I secretly look forward to New Years Day so that a clean slate is a little more quantifiable. The test will perhaps come during the Christmas holiday as liquid fun is drank excessively in front of me. Hopefully having to drive to pick up my son will keep me sober. There's is always the worry that I will have too much spare time alone in the break and that's when I lose touch with reality (I have learnt to my cost).
I got in from work and watched more of a Tin Tin box set which I have borrowed. I watched the episode which Spielberg has just filmed and it made the movie seem much better. I don't feel I will ever be a real fan of the series because I don't like the lad but I have a new appreciation for the whole thing and can understand what others see in it. 

The clock was keen on rousing me out of my sleep before I was ready today. I had my lists of things not to leave the house without, wrote large in the kitchen. I grabbed the list and scarpered to work, knowing that I was opening up this week. I forgot my lunch from my fridge. I left work to get my son, leaving his tea in works fridge. It was a day of forgetting things. I think my brain was frozen all day after having to de ice my windscreen in such sudden cold weather. In the evening I watched two episodes of the original cartoon of 'Tin Tin' and was not anymore taken by the precocious little twat. 
10:20pm found me in bed yawning. Tomorrow will be another get up and go day. Today felt so short that I am not sure if there was the correct number of hours in it. 

One thing that was discovered this weekend was my invention. I want to invent half size tea bags so I can enjoy weak tea without the guilt of wasting tea bags. 
Dragons den here I come. 

My stepson and I decided we would go to a bonfire/fireworks display near his house. It was at the side of a busy road and in a field with a marquee and a cordoned off field for the fireworks. At an entrance fee of £7.50 plus drinks at £2.50 each, we decided that money would be better spent eating McDonald's on the hill above whilst in the van. They lit the fire at 6:30pm which was below wall level from where we were so we just enjoyed watching the smoke plumes billow with the breeze down to Halifax town. We found that a nearer field to us also had a fire and so we had two lots of smoke to see and some fireworks from the second site. The fireworks we had come to see were billed as the biggest ever show at this pub though and they would fill the air In front of us. 7pm came and went. We ate our tea in the van complimenting each other for our forward thinking. 7:30 came and went. Surely the fireworks would be set off soon. The live music boomed from out of site ahead of us. We sat and sat. We saw plenty of fireworks but not the ones we were waiting for. At 8:10pm it was four hours after I had picked him up and other then an hour in town as the ships were closing we had pretty much been waiting. 
We looked at each other saying "How late are these fireworks?"
More importantly, how much do we actually give a shit?
We threw on the towel as we ate chocolate and listened to Zane Lowe featuring a live set from Coldplay. 
The thrill of not paying in to the event had gone. We drove passed the throng as we set off to my house. 
The scene was bedlam. Around a mile of cars dumped at the side of every road greeted us as we wove our way through the welly wearing public walking to and from the fire. 
On our thirty minute ride to my house we saw lots of firework displays. We should have sat on a different hill near mine. By then we didn't care anyway. 
Why doesn't anyone else try and blow up the houses of parliament? It gives you instant fame for millennia to come! 
Also, over the last thirty years that I have witnessed fireworks, they have not got better. They go up and blow up. There is only so much that you can expect and whilst fire watching can be mesmerising, I can do that anytime I like. 
So my stepson completed Heavy Rain on the PS3 until midnight when we went to sleep.

I woke up to the rushing around of getting my son ready for nursery today. I love having him wake up here, it's a shame that we have to rush off to nursery on a Thursday. Work passed alright again as I was left to it. The day trickled through my fingers and I found myself sat at home waiting for the rest of our ghost hunting team to pick me up. We went to a private house and listened to their stories before we set up a table upstairs. A spirit came forward and said that she used to live here. She was only 8 and yet she was very strong when moving the glass. Also one of the clients had a male spirit who followed around and he seemed strong too but apparently in a protective way. 

It was good to get the team back to mine to examine some footage and generally chat. 
We are a close bunch who work well together. There are always more places to investigate springing up from each date we book. It's all going very well. Our profits allowed us to replace a piece of broken equipment too Which was a step forward. 
Bonfire weekend this weekend and I have two to go to. I'm looking forward to both with my step son and little boy. Then on Sunday I will probably frequent the cinema. Live life to the max. 

A restless night came to an end too soon. My robot body got up and dressed as usual and hit the road to work under cover of darkness. The days hours trickled through my fingers without me looking at my iPod every five minutes. It's becoming easier not to live amongst its pages. Instead I wander the workplace like a lost soul, wearing my footwear down. 
I rushed out of the place at finishing time, over to collect my son. It's always amazing to see him run over to me. We click into playing games as soon as I pick him up, even in the ride home. Darkness crawled its way across the sky as we diverted to collect pizzas for tea at this request. Being in his company feels like home. Being at the marriage home..felt like prison. 
Every god is in his heaven. 
I played with him as always and we broke to watch the programme of what we were playing when we forgot a characters name. My brother called in after working in our area. This was the second visit in nine months so I wondered what was on his mind. Ten minutes in I think I discovered the reason. He too had our long lost sister on his mind. Our father had been in touch with him about it and it seemed to have caused a somewhat frosty conversation between my brother and my dad. 
It was good to hear that my brother was on worse terms with him than I thought and that he too felt disappointment with the old idiot. What does bother me is the fact that when I mentioned it fifteen years ago, nothing got said. 
I'm passed letting it bother me. 
Tiredness overcame my boy as I read him his third story in bed. I watched 'Stakeland' as he slept peaceful in the room I have for him. I still have bitterness in me about life but I seem to be able to be in control of it. I put this down to the lack of alcohol. Maybe I am selling myself short. Anyway I am taking my little hero to a nursery bonfire and then my stepson to a proper fire. I am plate spinning people so that I do my duty to them. I have two other people trying to contact me tonight but all my attention was on my offspring. He comes first.  

I awoke to the sound of the alarm clicking on to the radio and the over enthusiastic DJ talking about what a great a day it was going to be. Within ten minutes I got up to escape his inane chattering. Fifteen minutes later I was driving to work, the previous evenings preparations for today's dinners had saved valuable minutes. I drove staring but not necessarily seeing the traffic. Any unexpected movement could have been fatal. I got to work unscathed though and set about my job whilst wiping the sleep from my eyes. Did this substance I was wiping away contain fragments of my dreams?
I became robotic at work slowly moving from one printing run to the next, going through the motions. 
While I took a delivery from a wagon I felt the warm sun on my upturned face and it didn't feel like November. One day is so different from the next at the moment. 
I was willing to work over today with not having my son today but it wasn't really called for. I told myself that I would work on footage review and write ups from our ghost adventures. Instead I ran a hot bath and read as I shaved my face. I wondered if that really was my face behind the steam on the mirror. The hair line still shocks me these days. Has the last two years really had such an impact on me or is my face just like the Arctic ice face, crumbling into the sea large chunks at a time. With the heat of the water my face was flushed and it made me look younger and healthier again briefly. 
I tidied up a growing pile of clothes which were hanging on a recently broken clothes horse. Even the strong metal had passed its best from the weight of its purpose. I wore my pyjamas as I tidied my sons bedroom a little. I will see him tomorrow. As I did this I wondered if I was a good dad. I hoped so.
It was yesterday that I had asked him if his mum ever played with him and he said "No" with a detectable sad tone. I said "Daddy plays with you doesn't he". He happily said "Yes" this time with a tone meaning 'a lot'. I was happy even at the memory of our exchange. 
I had not yet had the tv on at all and found that little time had passed so far. It was strange how slow time past when not watching a film etc. I made my tea and saw a picture of my son on a calendar for this year. His new photos have been taken at nursery and I said I would pay half for them. They are very important to me and he looks lovely on them. As I looked at him in the picture I knew this picture was in fact a year old and that he would never be that old again. I saw his orange crocs on his feet and remembered a few weeks ago he had been upset because they had finally broken. Since then he had worn his new blue crocs mostly. Time had moved onwards. EVERYTHING CHANGES I thought. It's as simple as that. Even this moment of my life as I had my tea tonight and once again justified putting myself in this position, would change eventually again. They might only change slightly but it happens none the less. 
Time is fleeting so I revel in every moment I see my son. I never take him for granted. 

It was pure coincidence that the love film I received today and watched was 'Everything Must Go' which was a film about a relapsing alcoholic who loses his job and finds his belongings out on the front lawn when he arrives home. So he lives on the lawn drinking, powerless to turn back the clock. 
It resonated with me although I am not really in the same position as the character. But I could empathise with him and I think that was one of the first time I ever noticed i felt empathy. 
20:29pm now. The TV is back off and time is slowing again. But it won't stop. 
I have my boy stopping tomorrow and I can't wait. I love him so much that I don't need a woman in my life. He is the only other star in my universe. 
20:31pm and I will enjoy being in his presence as long as I am welcome.