The grey mists swirled in the head lamps of my van this morning as I navigated my way to the cinema. Sleep had stopped as if I was going to go to work. My body doesn't understand that things work differently at the weekend. Idiot body.
The cinema lobby was quiet apart from like minded singletons stood waiting for their early morning escape. I had travelled to see 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn' (PT 1) and I the few faces I noticed were all females. Surely I could watch this film too right? No need to feel daft? If they could come to watch Jake or Edward then I could come and watch Kristen Stewart or whatever her name is, Bella Swan. 
The trailers this time had a better one for 'The Darkest Hour' which I really think I will enjoy and yet fear the usual disappointment. The girls near me said that it looked too scary for them. It doesn't look Scary!
Jesus how do these people cross the road if these things are scary?
In Twilight there was a wedding scene which involved families getting chocked up through being happy and proud and such but I found myself taking the odd line and thinking of how proud a father I was and I welled up a couple of times. This made me feel so stupid. What if the crowd thought I was teary because Edward and Bella were getting married. "oh now I look a right fairy" I thought. Then a baby was born later and I welled up again as the proud parents spoke of how much they loved it. (oh for fucks sake, I'm welling up again!) 
Will I ever not nearly cry when I think of my love for my son?. I hope it will settle but I fear it won't. 

Anyway afterwards I went home and played 'Modern Warfare 3' and 'LA Noire' on the PS3. Another lazy day to myself. Another wave of guilt that I am not sat in the same home as my son. And so yet another going over of the reasons why I did the right thing. It can be a little like purgatory for me. It's just another form of self harm I think. 
I watched 'Peep Show' and saw them getting pissed and I pictured myself getting drunk. I just know that it would be petrol to a small flame. So I had another coffee instead. It was mid afternoon when darkness crept across my window and made it feel like it was night. 
So I played some music that I liked but that only makes me want to drink too. I don't think anyone appreciates my battle with drink. I think I underestimate it. First the drink then the moods and then the self harm? Maybe I don't give myself the credit or maybe I feel so happy without it that I fear losing this pleasant life I have created. 
God I'm so fucking reflective sometimes. Even as I write this I am not feeling down at all. 
Just guilty that I'm not with my son. 

Oh I need to read in the bath for a bit.  

I bore myself. I need to keep my mind busy but then when I sit watching tv and films all day I wonder if I am wasting my time......it looks like I am not. 

Whatever makes you happy right? 

If you know how to make yourself happy, you should do it.