I awoke to the sound of the alarm clicking on to the radio and the over enthusiastic DJ talking about what a great a day it was going to be. Within ten minutes I got up to escape his inane chattering. Fifteen minutes later I was driving to work, the previous evenings preparations for today's dinners had saved valuable minutes. I drove staring but not necessarily seeing the traffic. Any unexpected movement could have been fatal. I got to work unscathed though and set about my job whilst wiping the sleep from my eyes. Did this substance I was wiping away contain fragments of my dreams?
I became robotic at work slowly moving from one printing run to the next, going through the motions.
While I took a delivery from a wagon I felt the warm sun on my upturned face and it didn't feel like November. One day is so different from the next at the moment.
I was willing to work over today with not having my son today but it wasn't really called for. I told myself that I would work on footage review and write ups from our ghost adventures. Instead I ran a hot bath and read as I shaved my face. I wondered if that really was my face behind the steam on the mirror. The hair line still shocks me these days. Has the last two years really had such an impact on me or is my face just like the Arctic ice face, crumbling into the sea large chunks at a time. With the heat of the water my face was flushed and it made me look younger and healthier again briefly.
I tidied up a growing pile of clothes which were hanging on a recently broken clothes horse. Even the strong metal had passed its best from the weight of its purpose. I wore my pyjamas as I tidied my sons bedroom a little. I will see him tomorrow. As I did this I wondered if I was a good dad. I hoped so.
It was yesterday that I had asked him if his mum ever played with him and he said "No" with a detectable sad tone. I said "Daddy plays with you doesn't he". He happily said "Yes" this time with a tone meaning 'a lot'. I was happy even at the memory of our exchange.
I had not yet had the tv on at all and found that little time had passed so far. It was strange how slow time past when not watching a film etc. I made my tea and saw a picture of my son on a calendar for this year. His new photos have been taken at nursery and I said I would pay half for them. They are very important to me and he looks lovely on them. As I looked at him in the picture I knew this picture was in fact a year old and that he would never be that old again. I saw his orange crocs on his feet and remembered a few weeks ago he had been upset because they had finally broken. Since then he had worn his new blue crocs mostly. Time had moved onwards. EVERYTHING CHANGES I thought. It's as simple as that. Even this moment of my life as I had my tea tonight and once again justified putting myself in this position, would change eventually again. They might only change slightly but it happens none the less.
Time is fleeting so I revel in every moment I see my son. I never take him for granted.
It was pure coincidence that the love film I received today and watched was 'Everything Must Go' which was a film about a relapsing alcoholic who loses his job and finds his belongings out on the front lawn when he arrives home. So he lives on the lawn drinking, powerless to turn back the clock.
It resonated with me although I am not really in the same position as the character. But I could empathise with him and I think that was one of the first time I ever noticed i felt empathy.
20:29pm now. The TV is back off and time is slowing again. But it won't stop.
I have my boy stopping tomorrow and I can't wait. I love him so much that I don't need a woman in my life. He is the only other star in my universe.
20:31pm and I will enjoy being in his presence as long as I am welcome.
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