A week in my life 4

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 4 Part 1)

Friday March 3rd 1995

On this fine week in 1995 you would have found me in the last couple of months until I was due to fly the nest and buy my first house. Brit pop was all the rage and on a personal level, so was southern comfort. I was 20 years old and was surrounded by boxes due to the move that my mother had undertaken in the village. There was little point in me unpacking since I was due to move out.
So I frustratedly sat in a room of boxes as well as the local boozer. It felt like my life was about to start. Was I ready ? Nope. I look back on it now as if I was a chick in a nest atop a high branch whose mother had thrown over the edge in an attempt to teach the tiny chick to fly. What happened was I plummeted to earth without the aid of guidance. # note to self- don't do that to my son#

Anyway, what else was I going to do? I went to Bradford with my partner in crime Ste R. I met my friend in a pub in town and we had a couple of pints and then moved on to a wine bar type place where we felt adult at getting in un questioned. Next up was a little favourite of ours called The Cobbles. As we were half drunk by this point we would become something of a double act and bounce the same daft humour off each other. My friends ex entered and had two of her work mates with her. With this new audience being female, it had an aphrodisiac effect on us. Maybe tonight would be our lucky night.
They came with us to a place known as V I P's which was frequented by parent types. Unfortunately one of them was turned away due to trainers. The other mate then demanded that we all go to Tumblers nightclub which we had outgrown. If we were to stand any chance of getting off with these girls then we thought we should be in the same building as them even if we were dressed in shoes and shirts for a different venue.
Ste and I gave each other a look as if to say "we're in here".
Once we had payed into Tumblers and bought the girls a drink......we never saw them again.
They disappeared to be with more interesting people and probably people who didn't have shirts and smart pants on in this club for youngsters and therefore didn't look like a couple of nobs.
Ste and I threw in the towel. As we sullenly exited the club way too early, I had to congratulate the girls and how they had sone a number on us. I had the outlook that if a girl accepts a drink from you that there was going to be a swap of bodily fluids on some level, but what could I do? Take her to court?
So at 12:12am I was back in my bedroom watching 'beavis and butthead'.
The weekend was a quiet one really and other than running my grandma to Sainsburys I just watched films including 'Aladdin', 'Menace 2 Society', 'Up In Smoke', 'Wolf' and 'Casablanca'.

Monday 6th March 1995

It snowed late this year which stopped me from borrowing my mums car for a while. Whilst in my work lunch break I had walked to the shops and seen a girl from school who had blossomed into a gorgeous woman and looked a lot older than I did. Then I passed SC, my ex who I mentioned in the last episode. Not her or her friends who she was with returned my hello. This is the world of the teen. It's a cruel world when you're young, oh and when you're old, but at least when you're older you know not to bother even trying to be ok with people that you recognise from the past.
I had discovered TALK RADIO and spent a few hours just listening to conversations which sometimes involved interesting subjects like the one I heard about spiritualist at this time.

The object of my affections at this stage were scraping the barrel and only get referred to as 'The girl at the chinese' and 'the girl at the chippy'. These girls became attractive to me because there was nothing else for me to look at, so by default they were sitting ducks. They were just eye candy until I met the next mistake, sorry, girlfriend.

To be continued...

A trivial Torment

Out of my eye today, I see a world that is dog eat dog. The main problem for me is that I don't eat dog and so want no part of it.
I speak of the large paper bins rota that is kinda pencilled in at work. Three of us take part in the system excepting that one obviously doesn't. Instead, the person who's turn it actually was, said "I'm busy". I was busy too and so was the the other guy who incidentally had his turn last.
Fairness goes to shit if not everyone plays the game.
So I stopped my 205,000 3 colour run to once again forklift the bins away.
So I wear my mask of indifference as a seeth beneath surface. My skin prickling with annoyance at the culprits and also at myself for once again being so terribly spineless and not saying a damn thing.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and these eyes have mud in them.
But aside from that I'm just very tired. So I sip a heavily scooped coffee and hope that it gives me the jolt to lift me out of this fragile state. Im too tired to look anything other than miserable.
"cheer up it might never happen" they shout.
"it just did happen though, some twat just yelled cheer up it might never happen at me."
If lt really is survival of the fittest then I'm going to lose. It's all well and good offloading frustration onto these unread pages but it makes no actual difference to my standing. I think I survive by being invisible in fact. I am the stain on the patterned wallpaper, I am hidden in plain site but most of all, I'm bloody good at running away.

The ghost investigation threw up some things that I have to take seriously. A spirit correctly identified one envelope out of three which contained the right experience I had witnessed when working over late on my own. Also an alleged spirit who knew me told our medium that I needed my eyes testing which has extreme relevance to me for the last three days or so. It also correctly gave me the initial of his 
partner, my gran, along with other snippets of meaningful info to me. I hope we have some good audio in our recordings too as well as our radio guests who came and enjoyed it. 
Four hours slumber is not enough but my body has woken me up for the day. I'm going to the cinema this morning to see 'The Muppets'. 
I keep having small moments of self doubt which can last for an hour or can last for up to two days. 
Although I have no one putting me down or telling me 'no', neither do I have somebody to tell me I'm doing things right. How will this effect me in the long term? Do we all need family and friends to assure us we are on the right path? I'm aware that self pity and self assessment are parts of me that I create and I know I have a natural battle with my thoughts but I still think I may struggle with absolutely no congratulations about anything. I keep stopping and worrying if I 'really' do want to live the rest of my days alone. It feels right for know though, I'm certain of that. 
But I also worry that I will be come a gnarled seething ball of hatred for the world if completely proved right about 'people being shit'. 
Hmmmm I guess we will find out. I think I secretly wait to hear news of other couples breaking up, it will help me know that I have done the right thing. 
I suppose I also realise the small incidental trivialities that I have stopped, such as being dragged places that I wouldn't necessarily go, like shopping etc. All the things that couples do and then talk about once back at work for instance. 

Actually though, their must be loads of singles people out there who don't have that. I just know about me only, so it feels like everyone is going through something different and better. 
I need to count my blessings. I'm not homeless. I'm not Ill. I'm warm and comfortable and have a job and a van. I have my son who I love eternally and who loves me back. 

Oh I feel better know. I need to shut my stupid face! Moan moan moan. 
(sorry to have troubled you) 

It's Saturday night and I'm getting packed up with my equipment to go on a paranormal investigation. Tonight we have invited a few new faces from a local radio as well as a couple of old faces who are going to help us in the future. I hope it's a good night but there's always a chance that the dead don't want to chat. 

My boy and I joined the local library this weekend. Fifteen years ago I was a member of it before. Then you could borrow 3 books at once. Ten years ago I joined my step kids to the local library and you could borrow 7books at a time. Yesterday it was explained to me that each person could borrow 25 books in one go. Crazy!
I noticed a modernisation had taken place and it looked cleaner and had now incorporated computers. The biggest change of all though was that there was no one stamping the books. I had to take my library card and scan the bar code and then enter my personal pin number which I typed on a touch screen. The best part was that there was a large hole which was illuminated by a purple light. It looked the size of a microwave without a door. All you had to do was throw a pile of books in, as messily as you liked. Somehow the computer listed all the books at once, put the titles and authors up on the screen and put a green tick next to them in about two seconds. Then you had the option of printing out a receipt. 
I was amazed at the futuristic workings of the library the days. The librarian said that the public library should be at the forefront of technology. 

My son played for a couple of hours and became increasingly upset by what I worked out to be a headache from tiredness. I was getting worried until he kept yawning and striking his forehead. He asked to go to bed at 8pm and that was that. His mum and I took the oath to put him to bed without a nappy from now on. I put him his plastic sheet on his bed and crossed my fingers. 
He was a little restless around 4am but ended up staying in his own bed and not wetting it. I expected that he would be tired upon time to get ready to be taken to nursery and didn't relish the job of waking him up and throwing clothes on him. What I did was wake him for a five minute slumber and gave him his cereal in bed on a tray. That way we were making progress quicker and he was waking up in a nicer mood. He liked this novelty and we got in the van only six minutes behind schedule. The only problem is will be that that is the way it will always be done if he stays asleep. He looked really cute in the photo I took of him eating in bed. His mum will go mad when she hears I pander to him like that possibly. 

I had made up my mind earlier to venture to the cinema to catch the film of the moment  'The Artist'. It started off well and because I was used to talking, I was more involved when it didn't happen. It sounded 
I've the original Tom And Jerry cartoons which were just scored. By the end I was glad I could go and would probably never sit through it again, but I enjoyed it the first time around. 

After covering 1994 in the latest instalment of A WEEK IN MY LIFE, I decided to have a quick look at what was to come in the next episode which would be taken from my 1995 diary. Within the pages of this  diary was lists of things like 'songs which remind me of who and when' which were songs on the radio as I had just dumped girlfriends or other such emotional moments. The lists brought back buried memories of things best forgotten. That is one thing about having documented my own life....nothing stays buried. It is an eye opener a lot of the time but you never really get over any hurt in your life, you just simply forget them more. 
Being twenty was a no mans land. Not a boy and not a man. That's probably a good title for my autobiography. 

I had such a wonderful two days with my son. We did more work on our spaceship control system and painted the view through its window. That led us to look on YouTube at 'The Solar System song'. He took it all in really well. We spoke about the planets and what colour they were etc.  
Just the day before I had taught him the Green Cross Code and then we played it for half an hour with Knuckles. He told me he loved me about three times and we rolled about cuddling each other. I hope I make him half as happy as he makes me. Today we went to the local park since the weather was trying to stay bright. When I dropped him home I noticed new guys car was there so I made a quick exit. I only felt ten percent awkward so that was a huge plus. I hadn't waved a my boy though so I got a call to say bye. He was ok then. 
I miss him though. Oh well, I will see him tomorrow for tea. 
My diaries teach me to make the best of where I am now. I don't think things could be better. 
My wife and I were NEVER going to work out any different. 
I should enjoy my situation the best that I possibly can. 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (EPISODE 3 part 2)

Thursday 17th February 1994

I drove to Bradford to a gig by CYPRESS HILL which was supported by FUNKDOOBIEST. This was a double hip hop/rap gig by two bands I loved. My mum let me take her car and so got a speech about her  mini Swiss army knife on her key ring. If it got took off me then I must have it returned or else.
I did have it taken off me at the door as predicted. 
A cloud of green fog hung above the masses as weed was smoked openly by the crowd. The gig was really good for me even though I'm not a huge fan of live music. At the end I left and witnessed my legs not going to find the key ring knife which had been taken from me. My legs just walked away with the crowds and my mind had to run through explanations of why I was home without it. 
I feel guilty about not going to get it for my mum but that's how teenagers especially, think. They only consider themselves. 


Friday 18th February 1994

I went to Bradford and met my current girlfriend SC. SC was with her friend Vicky. I didn't like her and she didn't like me. My girlfriend played the control game with me as usual as she said "mine's a pint of bitter."
"The bar's over there" I replied. 
She always seemed to presume that I would fund her nights out if I was with her. That bugged me and it meant I had to put my foot down with her. She tried to rule my night out by dictating which pub I went to. I refused to go to the stated pub amd she said "Fuck off then, don't!" 
But with that she didn't leave me behind. We went to further different pubs and the power struggle played out further by my talking to her mates more. Hey, I'm the one with a job and money, I realised. 
It all culminated in Tumblers nightclub as always. Two of my ex's were present and my current girlfriend was obviously working her way towards being the next on that list. My girlfriend decided to stay out late with her friends and get the night rider bus home at two am. 
I meanwhile shared a taxi with my ex LM. 

Saturday 19th February 1994

At 2pm I drive down and picked up SC. I'd only been seeing SC for two weeks so there was always the thought that things would swing towards fun. I took her to Pizza Hut and then to my local village pub where my father joined us for a drink. I took SC home at 3am. 
When I arrived home I re read a letter that I had received that morning from SB the girlfriend a the previous saga. This ex girlfriends letter was a keepsake that I half enjoyed but it was also a reminder of what went wrong against my wishes. 

Sunday 20th February 1994

I picked up my girlfriend again at 2 pm and we just sat in my room and watched a hell of a lot of tv followed by 'Misery'. My diary says that she seemed less frosty today as I got her to talk about ex boyfriends. I noted that she seemed more cuddly. I dropped her off at home and was in bed myself for 11:37pm.

The weather became snowy over the next few days. I struggled to get to and from my workplace all week. But all that was on my mind through this period was:
A/ my current girlfriend SC.
B/ my ex girlfriend SB's letters to me.
C/ my ex girlfriend LM's postcards etc 

I had fragments of attention from these sources but nothing substantial. I was always on the lookout for the next offer. One of the problems with this situation was that if I met a girl at all, she went to the same club as me and all my previous ex's who I had different levels of success with. Even after finishing with a girl I would string her along to try and have my ego massaged if possible. Sadly the rule seemed to always be that the girls who I had no interest in, wanted me. The ones I wanted didn't find me desirable for more than a week. 
Sods law. 

As darkness descended upon Silsden, I set off to Goole which is about fifty miles east of where I live. I stuck my iPod on and reached the main motorway drag in a slow chain of traffic. The roads were wet and the lights dazzled of the damp like a moist mirage. I felt like I was running away for a few hours. I think I wondered if I ran away in my life in general. No, I decided, I have taken a stand against people who don't believe in me. 
I landed at my cousins house three minutes after I had planned to a nice welcome. The family is a religious one and we got to sharing stories in order to find out where our spiritual paths crossed. I felt at home with them and enjoyed our chat. 
Ten pm struck and I turned down the chance to sleep at theirs, sighting a complex I have about getting back home. the journey home was a dark and less lit one. My iPod shuffled some singalong classics and some of my ex's music which didn't make me want to skip at all. I sung along happily. 
It was a cathartic journey for me and I felt it was a necessary one but I can't put my finger on why. 
Maybe all will be revealed later. 
My stepson had messaged me that head put a new track on Soundcloud so I had a listen as soon as I was home. He was probably asleep but I wanted him to know that replying to him was important to me so I sent him a message back straight away. 
I am looking forward to having my baby tomorrow and I hope I can think of something to do which will keep us out of my house for a bit. 

The song from The Muppets is on the radio singing "Am I a man or a muppet?" and I really don't know which one I am. That's a worry. It feels like I am the right path but I'm not sure where it leads. But I've learnt to trust the ebb and flow of my life so I'll let the waters float me on down the river. I just hope I see the waterfall before it's too late.


I went for my haircutting and was seated immediately. I gave my usual instructions and never looked in the mirror once until the work was completed. I looked up and was a touch surprised that my receding hairline was so on show. Never mind though, it's better that I wear with an honest and accepting attitude. At 37 my hair is leaving me. I wouldn't say my hair and I ever worked as a team.
So fuck you hair.

A quiet day was finished off by a fellow team member calling at mine to review some ghost clips we had filmed. We watched a square light which illuminated wrongly as it flew in front of the camcorder. Interesting stuff, we thought.
I am driving to my cousins tomorrow night so I wonder what will happen with that. I promised I would and I want to honour that promise.
Today at work, with us being quiet, we put my iPod through the stereo and picked some albums to listen to rather than radio2. How could I lose? Whatever came on, should be something I liked. Indeed I did enjoy it. Music by Kasabian, My Chemical Romance, The Killers and The Strokes filled the workspace. Some of it struck me as sad to hear, as memories of listening to them with my ex wife came flooding back, better times I suppose, before the arguing became overbearing.oh well, you can't get the time back.
The
Music sounded fresh again since I had not heard some of the albums for over five years. Music does conjure up emotions though that are sometimes best forgotten.

An apology

I re read a couple of blogs.
I apologise for spell check messing my writing up and I need to re read them before I post them.

Kickin back on a valentines day evening. A little bit of coke and Cypress Hill. When I say coke I do mean cola. Watching Peep Show always makes me chuckle and I'm going to be lost without it when I reach the end of current series. 
So this is where I ended up, alone.  Today being Valentines Day means it keeps coming to mind that I have created a world for myself that enables me to sneer at couples. And yet perhaps it is I who am missing out? NOPE.
I would have a girlfriend who had a switch, so that I could turn her off when I wanted to watch tv. Every time I got moaned at Too, i could just go 'FLICK' and order would be restored. 
So now I live in a questioning phase where I have to keep checking whether I am indeed in the place I meant to be. There is always a part of me that worries I will want a partner again and feel huge regret. But then I look at my diaries and see that I have not once had the feeling that having a partner is how it is in films. All a partner has been for me is someone who keeps reminding you of the things you're shit at. 
"Why don't you cuddle me?"
'Why don't you tell me you fancy me?"
"why don't you tellme you live me?"
"Why are you so self absorbed?"

"WHAT IS THIS! FUCKING QUESTION TIME?" I reply. 

No. I'm shit at relationships because I get nothing from them. Maybe I would be happy to be with someone who thought my every word was worth hanging on. Or I was really attractive. 
The reality is that without plying a woman with a strong sedative or applying beer goggles, it just ain't gonna happen. 
My bad points do not come into play when I single. 
I love with the other me in my mind. The two of us chris's sit and watch the same programmes and want to listen to the same music at the same time so we are always happy together. 
"Do you want to watch a film Chris?" "oh yes please Chris, I was just thinking that" 
"How about playing Call Of Duty in peace for four hours?" "Don't mind if we do!"
Brilliant!!

(god I hope my boy doesn't have my traits)

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (episode 3 part 1)

Monday February 14th 1994

With '2 Unlimited' at number one in the UK charts and 'True Romance' in the cinemas, you find me still living with my mum. I'm age 19. I watch tv a lot and love music. I still print for Raiseprint and have a girlfriend called SC. She is a larger girl than I would expect for myself. She has black hair and is half Irish. Why am I seeing her? She was the first next to be interested and I thought why not? 
I remember I liked her eyes and her accent. When you meet someone you don't know what they have to offer you until you have dated a bit. 
Now SC and I had got off to an awkward start as we both seemed to tussle for control over the other. 
I had a job though and she didn't. She somehow afforded cigarettes though. I didn't smoke. I had no one else but ex's to show me any interest and so took her as my new girlfriend. 
 Anyway this day in question was Valentines Day. I had dropped off my card and £3.99 flowers at her house on Keighley. I was going through the motions as I had no actual feelings for her as of yet. I wasn't actually scheduled to see her today as I girlfriend days were a set pattern. Wednesday's and weekends. 
I didnt budge if I could help it. I needed my own time, (it makes me shudder with knowing what I know now about me wanting to be single forever now, due to my time being SO precious to me) and so had the evening to myself. I bathed and shaved at 6:16pm my diary assures me strangely. I rang my mate Ste and continued writing a letter to my mate Dan who I expect must've been at Uni. 
My diary also states that I had washed my hair at the behest of SC. she must've commented that It was dirty. Also on this day in history I noted that I would never again eat two chip buttys for dinner and I never have so far. 


Tuesday 15th February 1994

SC persuaded me to see her because she was probably bored and it having been valentines day, probably thought I couldn't really refuse without a good reason. So I picked her up as I drove and  she didn't. We were in my bedroom watching such delights as Eastenders and The Brit Awards. I asked her if I was seeing her on Friday and she replied that she would be in 'The Cellar Bar'. I said that I was going to be there with my friends and didn't really want to see her then as her turn with me was planned as being Saturday. Fucking women, I thought, why don't they just stay where you put them. 

Wednesday 16th February 1994

I went for a pint with my sisters father who was now an ex of my mums. We went to 'The Guide' which was a pub on a hill close by but which was always dead practically. We chatted about my sister and him and my mum. He bought me two pints and he was someone to confide in in a way. 
I arrived home and found a letter from my ex, known as LM. 
LM needs her own segment one day so let's put that on the back burner. 
I was really happy to get a letter off LM. I kept a box of letters and trinkets from all ex girlfriends and had them up until I moved in with my now ex wife in 2003/4. 
I kind of regret throwing it out now although if I was to look in it I think I would be overcome with emotion. 

LM always made me feel that someone loved me. So I signed off my evening with a very large "I LOVE ME" which became a sign off that repeated for years to come. 

This was a dirty and broken bit of my life where I wanted new experiences with girls aswell as old lovers to be all over me. Obviously I was let down on all counts. I tried my best to build up my own confidence but actually ended up looking a childish dick. Did anyone know how to do things right at 19? 

To be continued......

I had a wonderful surprise today. I was asked to have my son overnight due to his mother feeling Ill and needing a rest. So I picked him up from nursery and I decided that I had seen enough of his indoor footwear and more importantly, the hole in the front. We chose some new shoes for him and he said "these are cooool!" which was great. We spent the few hours watching 'Spiderman' (Tobey Maguire one)
And then I made him a spiderman mask which was a mistake with it being after 8pm. He started jumping around the furniture and asking me to do roles. We played for longer than I should heave allowed and finally read him and KNUCKLES a bedtime story. 
For those not in the know, KNUCKLES is a large chimp puppet that I got him at christmas. We both treat him like he is a real member of the family. Even when my boy is not around I find myself talking to KNUCKLES. I feel this monkey is a halfway point between myself and my son when he is at his house. 
It's like there's three of us in our gang. Anyway, I have finally got him to bed now and I went to bed at the same time as I am quite tired myself after being awake at five this morning. 

I had three plans this evening that all got cancelled as soon as I was offered an evening with my kid. 
Everything gets dropped for him, every time, no question. 

Sorry, why am I fighting it.....I'm really tired! 
Goodnight. 9:55pm.

"you don't want to be happy, it makes you worried that it'll end and you'll be more miserable". This is just one of the lines from the comedy 'PEEP SHOW' which while making me laugh in the programme, seemed to be true of me. There are two characters, one of who is a lazy selfish wannabe musician and wants to be cool and the other is a square non cool OCD office nob. I see myself in both of them. 

My step daughter agreed to come to the cinema with me. It was her sixteenth birthday and so I was honoured to get some of her time. We watched THE WOMAN IN BLACK. I personally do not find anything scary about it but the rest of the crowd did. She said that she would like to come on a ghost investigation. We'll see what I can sort. So basically communication with her has made me feel much better and I even got to take her to see my mum. Sixteen is a scary age. I managed to get the chance to tell her that I was here for her but I sensed her feeling a little awkward so I stopped before saying more. 
I even got the courage up to say "it that your mum's new blokes car?"  
I said "I just want your mum to be happy that's all I'm bothered about". I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. 
The message of good will should now eventually permeate through to the family and my stepdaughter also carries my paranormal groups info with her so they can see that I have in fact been busy and am very happy, thank you very much. 

I feel so much more positive. I knew today would be a good day. 
A clean sheet. 
I even managed to get a cuddle from my son whilst I picked my stepdaughter up. I'll see him tomorrow. 


Now what's around the corner to fuck things up? 

My recent demons are now exorcised. It just takes a build up sometimes to push at the seams before it reaches a head. No alcohol,drugs or blades were used in the repairs of my mind. Just rational thinking along with losing myself in tv or programmes. My life is always better once I can lock myself away for hours on end. 
My son and I had a wonderful time building tents in the front room and playing exploring around the house with our binoculars and map. We made chocolate cornflake cake too which he enjoyed. Everything we did was great fun. What would I do without him? I dread to think. 
So now it's Saturday night and I get to turn the music up loud and enjoy a coke(really?). Then I will watch 'Drive' and 'Tyrannosaur' which may alter this good mood with their darkness. 
I put another track on Soundcloud which I composed on my iPad Korg ims20 app. I was happy with it and i would have bought it if it had been done properly. Maybe this year will be a pleasant one dispute it's shaky start. 
I guess I'm due to write my next 'A WEEK IN MY LIFE' too. 
See you soon. 

Today I declare war on my mind. "Shut up, Mind"
Why have conversations in your head that don't make a difference? Why concern yourself with anything that has the same outcome if you don't concern yourself with them? 

My ex, who I left because we both had ground to a halt after years of failing to find a spark, has found someone else. 
Good luck to her. Good luck to him. 
What difference does it make to me? None. 
Do I think my son will see him as his father? No

Right, so shut up mind cos I control you. 
I choose to think about things that I enjoy. 

I'm doing my own fucking head in. The voices saying that I'm fine are conflicting with the voices that whisper at me saying that I should feel awkward about things. I have been misunderstood in the past. It was thought that I don't feel anything when actually the truth is that I don't show anything. I have always considered it a weakness to show anything other than a Poker Face as regards emotional responses. 
But this containment of emotion has always resulted in a build up of tension within. Perhaps at times that is why I feel teary against my understanding. Like a machine that sometimes needs venting, I too seem to robotically need a little private weep. 

This brings me to explain 'The Shining Factor'. This is how I explain my experience of relationships of a romantic variety. In the brilliant film known as THE SHINING, there is a caretaker of a hotel who is warned never to enter room 237. 
Against the warnings he inevitable finds that curiosity gets the better of him. 
Inside he sees a beautiful naked woman get out of the bath and walk towards him to embrace him. 
However once they embrace the reality kicks in and he is hugging an old lady who is decaying and has skin dropping off her. 
This is the best way that I describe the lure of a relationship and then the reality of how it makes me feel.
It doesn't matter who you tell about the shining factor, they will not listen and it's ok I guess as we all have to make our own mistakes. The difference is... I make the mistake once and get the message. Now I have to watch people coming out of relationships and then going back to the beginning of the ride and starting again. It reminds me of watching moths head butting lightbulbs going "ow...ow...ow". 

Twelve months and one day ago I said I was leaving my marriage. I had been content since the birth of my son but my wife still seemed to be hoping I would turn into this amazing guy that I wasn't. It got to a point where she was having a new argument with me every week or so about doing petty stuff like using Facebook and believing in ghosts. We had reached the point where I refused to not be me since she told me I needed to man up against her. So I did. I looked into our future and saw different beds in different bedrooms and ultimately different houses (my wife said often "I left my first husband, so don't think I won't leave you")
We both had tried to make it work but like two magnets that repel each other, we got tired of trying. 
I only ever wanted a son but I always thought a wife would sort out my head. Infact, having a wife at all was more like having someone to constantly remind you of the things you are rubbish at. I felt a responsibility to let all of us off the hook. It was up to me to leave. I used to say to her "if you don't like me then you throw me away and that's sorted, if I don't like you then I lose you and three kids" 
It was so unfair. I was going to have to be the bad guy and yet of my wife had kept her mouth shut we would've stayed together longer. But of course, ignoring the problem was not the answer. 
So if we split, our problems were solved and I get to spend uninterrupted time with my son and step kids if they wish. 
Well twelve months on and here we are. My ex wife and I have not swapped a bad word and I credit her a lot for that. She seems happier, I seem happier and in ten years time the kids will understand when they ask us to explain. 
BUT.....
Why do I find it so awkward to see that my ex has a new fella? 
Something really bugs me about it. I hope that she is ok and I'm not remotely jealous. Yet, in a way I feel very uncomfortable about it. I guess I resent the way that she destroyed my one and only attempt at being a husband and now replaces me as if she is a great partner. Yes I think that is it. 

I'm a shit partner I admit. Companionship is not something I require. 
I know that time is a great healer though and I have learnt my lesson even if others haven't. 
Not having a partner means I can be on call for my son. That is very important to me. 
At this time of valentines day I am sooooo glad to be single. It seems to me that after four years together there is more a sense of 'tolerate' than 'love' in a relationship. People seem to fear being alone but I don't. 

Sometimes I wonder if I will stick to this unconventional decision but don't we all end up alone in the end? 
I know that I can no longer take loss in my life so I will let no one get close to me again. Life is too short to set up pain ahead of you. 

I am the happiest I have ever been (as I know I say a lot). 
But the world still stings and pushes me further away. 
I guess the first year after any breakup is the hardest. Let's be honest I've not been newly dumped or dumpee for over eleven years so I guess it always feels like this for a while. 

Ok, that's off my chest. 
Now I can sleep. 

I was wondering what the secret to a long life was and I realised that it was Not Dying. 
One of the Bee Gee brothers died in the past two months and he didn't drink alcohol and was a vegan. He still died relatively young. 
My gran and her sister are both alive in their nineties and I hope I can do that well. It's not that I have any plans other than doing a lot of sitting down and if my sight prevails, watching tv. Yes my life will not alter with age since that is what I have always done. I am not going to be wracked with regret that I've never travelled the world or swam with dolphins. Any regrets that I maintain will hopefully be under control if I get them out onto these pages. 
So I'm going to sit. I was born to sit. Sitting it what I do in my spare time. At work I stand for a minimum of forty hours a week. I'm paid to stand because at heart I am a sitter. 
Although my knees may not see my life through. I'm 38 next and my knees moan at me whether I stand or sit. My ambition is have my knees replaced with hinges. Maybe when I get very old I will have hinges all over my old body and I will be an easy fold away option of myself that can be taken away places without taking up much room and turtles not being a nuisance. 

I awoke from a dream to hear my boy getting out of bed around 2:30am. His little steps came closer and he stood invisible nextto my bed. I threw back the covers and heard a little voice emanating from the black depths of the room. It said "I want you". 
With hat, I was joined by my son who snuggled up close and clasped his arms around my neck and clung on. It was lovely for yen seconds but breathing then became a priority for me. He reduced his clasp on my airwaves as we tried to find a mutually agreeable position. Ten mins later he sounded asleep so I turned away from him but then backed up so I was touching him. 
I know it's not great of me to not frog march him back to his own bed like his mother would have me do but I think it means he goes off to sleep quicker and stays in bed longer in the morning. 
I love sharing a bed with him so long as I sleep. 
Nine times out of ten he stays in his own bed anyway. Much to his mums annoyance as he gets up neatly every night with her.

He was chirpy as I dropped him at nursery on a cold and icy morning. I noted that he seemed full of happiness so I could think back to him as I drove to work and felt the usual pang of guilt. 

It's been enjoyable looking through my old diaries whilst writing 'A week in my life'. Next up is 1994. The process has just leapfrogged an ex girlfriends relationship and as I start the next segment I am about to meet my most hated ex. Women have caused me no end of misery on top of the misery I already used to carry around. I fought hard to keep the faith that I would live happily ever after but it came at a cost, I had to be happy alone. Thank god that I had my son because he makes all the cogs of fortune fall into place. Every step was worth it thanks to him. I am not designed to cohabit with another human. I have always suspected this but I started to think that I was wrong but now I know I was right. Why didn't I listen earlier? Well anyway the process that has led me here has finally made a good result. I now longer chase women at all. They don't miss me and I don't miss them. 
I've walked through life blindly searching for something special and wasted a lot of time on being uptight about how I felt. 
There's so little of importance that it all seems a bit of a joke. All the arguments that were had with ex's, all the one night stands and meaningless conversations are pointless wastes of time and energy. 
And yet the desire to leave some kind of a mark when I'm gone lingers. My distrust of people still moves aside for my need to be included in society. Will I ever escape out of view of everybody again? 
I guess my son determines my life now. 
My part is done and I hand the baton to him. 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 2-Part 3)

Wednesday 3rd February 1993

I had decided to read my own Tarot cards once again, so obviously they hadn't told me what I wanted them to before. It was always in the back of my head that "you should never read your own tarot cards for yourself". I didn't care. The music that assisted this was The Orb's 'Assassin' which I enjoyed and still takes me back into a dreamy kind of mood. I wrote in my diary "I want a girlfriend....or do I." I was unsure if I did because I was concerned that once you had one there was the inevitable breakup still to come and I was relatively happy with my quiet life and yet always on the look out for any hint that someone liked me. I closed my diary with "HANG ON THERE" 

Thursday 4th February 1993

Faith No More were live on radio 1 and I recorded it onto a cassette I still had it until quite recently. I was babysitting for my sister while my mum went out and so I decided to put cucumber slices on my eyes and heave a good wash and brush of my teeth. I believed that if I did this enough times that I would become a lot more attractive to girls. I imagined they would be drawn to me in the street and come up to me just to stroke my soft skin and swoon. It never happened strangely. 

Friday 5th February 1993

Worryingly my diary tells me that I went to a party at my ex wife's boyfriends sisters house, if that makes sense. It's bizarre that I crossed paths so much with her back then. I knew who she was when I met her and started seeing her but never thought that I had been so close to her years earlier. My diary also states that it was a shit party and that it was my fault it was shit. I have no memory of what I'm talking about. I still managed to get in at 4:15am though. 

Saturday 6th February 1993

It was the day of a full moon as I ventured into Keighley to get my ear pierced. I made sure I had the side done that didn't secretly mean I was a homosexual. In the local bar that evening there was a girl who lived at the far end of my road 'giving me the eye'. This led on to a story that I am not going to cover on this piece because it didn't happen within the week I'm talking about. I moved to another local pub that night and ended up bumping into my dad and I got into what I describe as a 'chat battle' with him where I came away with the opinion that he 'spoke shite' at me for half an hour. Once again I had left his  company feeling unwanted or loved. I headed for the Chinese takeaway in the quiet village and sat awaiting my order, only aware of the couple of other customers by the fact that I kept my eyes averted. 
There came a voice from the bloke out of the male/female duo, "are you looking at my bird?"
I turned around to stare surprised at this man. His girlfriend muttered something in a bid to shut him up but he continued with "don't call my wife a slag," 
I looked behind me to find only a wall and so he was obviously talking to me. "I didn't say owt" I said. 
The man was known as TANK in the village. He was a local tosspott. He scared me but it became apparent that he did this sort of stuff often and usually to small guys like myself. I just wanted out of the situation. I hurried up home untouched but shaken to tell my mother and her friend. They knew who I meant and reassured me that he did it often. 

Soon after I was a local in three pubs in the village and actually befriended this oaf who eventually allowed me to call him by his first name which was a relief to be in his good books. 
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I thought.