Twelve months and one day ago I said I was leaving my marriage. I had been content since the birth of my son but my wife still seemed to be hoping I would turn into this amazing guy that I wasn't. It got to a point where she was having a new argument with me every week or so about doing petty stuff like using Facebook and believing in ghosts. We had reached the point where I refused to not be me since she told me I needed to man up against her. So I did. I looked into our future and saw different beds in different bedrooms and ultimately different houses (my wife said often "I left my first husband, so don't think I won't leave you")
We both had tried to make it work but like two magnets that repel each other, we got tired of trying. 
I only ever wanted a son but I always thought a wife would sort out my head. Infact, having a wife at all was more like having someone to constantly remind you of the things you are rubbish at. I felt a responsibility to let all of us off the hook. It was up to me to leave. I used to say to her "if you don't like me then you throw me away and that's sorted, if I don't like you then I lose you and three kids" 
It was so unfair. I was going to have to be the bad guy and yet of my wife had kept her mouth shut we would've stayed together longer. But of course, ignoring the problem was not the answer. 
So if we split, our problems were solved and I get to spend uninterrupted time with my son and step kids if they wish. 
Well twelve months on and here we are. My ex wife and I have not swapped a bad word and I credit her a lot for that. She seems happier, I seem happier and in ten years time the kids will understand when they ask us to explain. 
BUT.....
Why do I find it so awkward to see that my ex has a new fella? 
Something really bugs me about it. I hope that she is ok and I'm not remotely jealous. Yet, in a way I feel very uncomfortable about it. I guess I resent the way that she destroyed my one and only attempt at being a husband and now replaces me as if she is a great partner. Yes I think that is it. 

I'm a shit partner I admit. Companionship is not something I require. 
I know that time is a great healer though and I have learnt my lesson even if others haven't. 
Not having a partner means I can be on call for my son. That is very important to me. 
At this time of valentines day I am sooooo glad to be single. It seems to me that after four years together there is more a sense of 'tolerate' than 'love' in a relationship. People seem to fear being alone but I don't. 

Sometimes I wonder if I will stick to this unconventional decision but don't we all end up alone in the end? 
I know that I can no longer take loss in my life so I will let no one get close to me again. Life is too short to set up pain ahead of you. 

I am the happiest I have ever been (as I know I say a lot). 
But the world still stings and pushes me further away. 
I guess the first year after any breakup is the hardest. Let's be honest I've not been newly dumped or dumpee for over eleven years so I guess it always feels like this for a while. 

Ok, that's off my chest. 
Now I can sleep.