I'm doing my own fucking head in. The voices saying that I'm fine are conflicting with the voices that whisper at me saying that I should feel awkward about things. I have been misunderstood in the past. It was thought that I don't feel anything when actually the truth is that I don't show anything. I have always considered it a weakness to show anything other than a Poker Face as regards emotional responses. 
But this containment of emotion has always resulted in a build up of tension within. Perhaps at times that is why I feel teary against my understanding. Like a machine that sometimes needs venting, I too seem to robotically need a little private weep. 

This brings me to explain 'The Shining Factor'. This is how I explain my experience of relationships of a romantic variety. In the brilliant film known as THE SHINING, there is a caretaker of a hotel who is warned never to enter room 237. 
Against the warnings he inevitable finds that curiosity gets the better of him. 
Inside he sees a beautiful naked woman get out of the bath and walk towards him to embrace him. 
However once they embrace the reality kicks in and he is hugging an old lady who is decaying and has skin dropping off her. 
This is the best way that I describe the lure of a relationship and then the reality of how it makes me feel.
It doesn't matter who you tell about the shining factor, they will not listen and it's ok I guess as we all have to make our own mistakes. The difference is... I make the mistake once and get the message. Now I have to watch people coming out of relationships and then going back to the beginning of the ride and starting again. It reminds me of watching moths head butting lightbulbs going "ow...ow...ow".