F.A.

My son and I took a drive up to Haworth today. We walked down to the local steam railway line where we waited for a few minutes and his face lit up when then train rolled in blowing it's whistle. We then went to the park nearby and he climbed the death trap of a climbing frame whilst I tried my best not to put him off from holding on.
The following two hours were spent In a cafe where you paint pots etc and the shop bakes them in a kiln for you to pick up later. He made me a ginger bread man shape and we decorated it together as a birthday present for me. We wrote our names on together and he ate his dinner there. It was nice that his aunt was also working in the shop too as we were there. The rain and sun exchange in the weather every ten minutes played out all day.
I said I'd had a lovely day and hours later as I took him home he said "it was a lovely day today dad".
Fucking awesome.

Pub vulnerability

Sat in a pub awaiting the rest of the team and I feel vulnerable. Blokey men lear at girls and laugh in unison far too loudly and swear noisily too. I chickened out of ordering a coffee, why? Well I thought it would make me look really wimpy. When the others arrive it will fine. Eleven and a half months sober and I notice the sticky germ ridden table tops and the atmosphere is thick with the possibility of a kick off.
I need a shower after here. Am I getting more obsessive these days. Hand rails have become a no no due to countless people sweeping their unwashed hands over them forever. Society is a hot bed of disease and hatred.
The minutes tick by so slowly that it is starting to feel like all eyes are on me but, rational thinking tells me they are not. Surely if I'm seen with my head down tapping away on this device then it will be understood that I am comfortable. But I'm not.
I have just come from the end of my working day via the cinema where I watched 'Lay The Favourite' it was shit. Yet the weird man was there for about the fifth time. The ghost of my future who has gone slightly mad was already talking out at the trailers as I slipped into my seat. I swear he recognises me too as a familiar face.

Nightmare / balance

I awoke from a dream this morning which was in a way a nightmare. It's a reoccurring situation I dream I'm in. I dream I am back with an ex. It's as if my real life was the dream and I'm realising that I have to now pretend to be interested in this woman. it's horrible and claustrophobic. But as I wake up and one half of the bed is cold I regain equilibrium and feel a satisfaction come over me. I listen to the quiet. Absolute bliss. The silence is a warm blanket for my soul.
I tell myself again that I will never return to those dark waters and then peering into the bathroom mirror recognise that it's a good job I don't want to meet another succubus. With my greying and decaying face it would be a somewhat uphill struggle and on top of that there is my avoidance of FUN and my controlling anxiety issues.
Alone.
It's wonderful.
And yet it used to be hell. What happened?
I got what I asked for and it was shit.
I watched ANNIE HALL again and Woody Allen reminded me of how I feel. Unsure and unsteady, but happy in a room by myself without other peoples disappointment in me clouding my mind.
I wear a shield of discomfort where others where fake confidence and I think that shows just how anxiety ridden I am inside. But you know, it's not a big issue without someone calling me on it.

I am constantly doing something even down to my watching a film as when I do that at home I have to make notes incase I want to use it for the radio stuff.
I have my writing table set up now and writing by lamp light whilst drinking coffee makes me feel a certain poetry to make existence.

I can't imagine balancing everything on my world better. But you just never know what's to come.

Like father like son

I had my little boy climb into bed with me this mornings. His little face peeping over the covers next to me. There is no better sight to wake up to. He couldn't even open his eyes fully before he told me " you be Grandpa and I be Max" meaning we had to play BEN 10.
we got to talking about my dad not being the grandad who he sees and I produced a photo of old from my christening. I explained that mums and dads rarely stay together FOREVER. He mentioned his brother, my step son , had said that his dad had said that he didn't want to see him anymore, but I don't believe that has been said, so I tried to explain that I would never say that to him . he replied "but you DON'T live with us anymore".
OUCH.
Anyway this sparked a long list of questions and explanations where he pointed out that his mum and new boyfriend are grumpy with each other and there are arguments. I reassured him as best I could but also took solace from the fact that I was right, she is hard to live with.
We reaffirmed out love for each other as we spoke about family.
He said. "You don't want a girlfriend do you dad" I said "correct, they are just trouble". I explained that he was the best thing to ever happen to me and that without his mum I never would have had him.
He said he understood and that he also understood that mums and dads split up eventually. So he settled on the notion that he would meet a woman to have his babies and then leave her for someone else . I never put him straight....it sounded like a genius plan to me.

You can never truly escape you.

I finished work and hurriedly dropped off some printed leaflets for the radio station as I was eager for them to get them. I had believed that I didn't need to record a show this week due to their only being coverage for a festival the following weekend. But luckily an email with a band who want me to plug their music told me that I was a month early. But by them it was too late to cobble something together. So I shot back to the studio to mark a recording place for myself for Sunday night.
I then went to a double bill of The Chernobyl Diaries and The Five Year Engagement. The first film was average and unremarkable but the second was pretty wonderful. It in fact reminded me of Annie Hall.
It's about relationships and the planning of a wedding. Also the strain of staying together on the same path for years. It brought back a lot of memories of myself and my ex wife. Some good times along the way but also some similar arguments and cold shoulders that went on into the night. I loved the film but upon leaving to go home I felt too reflective.
It had inspired me to clean up my writing area where my laptop was and so now I've got a nice lamp lit table where I can write by pen or laptop. I drank a coffee at about 9PM and was up until 1AM.
I wrote quite a lot of film reviews though so I'm getting somewhere for the show. I am resolutely against ever being heart broken again.
As Twelve Months sobriety approaches, so does 18months of being single and I have seriously never felt so complete.
My world consists of me and my son. Everything else feels like I'm walking through thick bushes which scratch me as I go where I need to go. Speaking of which I keep having flashes of cutting my arms go through my head but it's just an old compulsion. I would never do it again. I guess the same 'dealing with my emotions' idea will always be under the surface. But drink keeps the motivation subdued.
It's annoying how I used to be mad at myself for drinking too much alcohol but now that I don't I get mad at myself for eating too many chocolate biscuits and drinking too much caffeine. It seems I will never cut myself a break entirely.

Hey...fuck it I'm Happy right and that's a bid damn miracle.

Friends fatherhood

Quite often I feel like a tortoise who slowly extends his head out of it's shell. What always follows is a comment or action which makes me seethe with hatred and retract back into my shell.
Since we started our Jam Undercover page on Facebook we have had a much better communal buzz with each other and are making progress with the stations upcoming involvement in festivals etc.
Today a presenter wrote a comment which although wasn't aimed at me at all, stopped me from writing for a while. Do I have a skin too few?
I seem too sensitive a lot of the times which is at odds with the accusation of being emotionally robotic.
They should have seen the tears when I sat through BRITAIN IN A DAY last week.

A close friend of mine has become a father for the first time recently and my son and I are going over to see the family. I am looking forward to seeing them all. Being a dad has revolutionised my existence and I feel it COMPLETED my soul.
I hope the same joy is brought to my friends too. Children have an innocent bubble that I love to share in. When I play with my son I am at my happiest. When we are pirates or superheroes, the world and it's bullshit is so far away.
Everything is fleeting and we have to grab the moment and document it.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1997

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1997
JUNE 21st Saturday.
I arose this Saturday morning and walked the three footsteps into the shower cubicle which had been created in my bedroom like a wet transparent monolith. My ex, G came around for a bit but it was fine as she left without begging me to get back with her. It was that thing where I had finished with her to move on to something new and yet because she only lived around the corner, she would come around, usually when I was drinking and I would sleep with her. Which made me feel bad about myself for weakening and using her but also weak that I might be doing the wrong thing. What if I had dumped the girl who would end up being the closest I had come to being happy with. Even though it would be a bit of a shit carry on if that was as happy as I ever was going to be.
My brother came over and my diary says that we played on the Sony Playstation for four hours but I don't remember that.
After he went my mum had rang but I did my not answering bit. This had been escalating a lot around this time. It strted off with my just having my hands full or being upstairs and then once I ignored the phone one time, I could do it more and more. There came a point where I daren't answer it at all and so I unplugged it entirely for a few months.
I had some friends come to my home that evening and I noted an attraction to my mates sister. this had been going on for over ten years but now I was single and had no one new to focus on, I would focus on the nearest thing. Everyone is attractive when you are newly available again.
So I wrote in my diary that I "quite fancied" her which means nothing. We watched a shit film into the early hours.

Sunday 22nd June 1997

The following mornings I awoke and wandered into the shower again where I sat slumped in the cubicle again for ages as the water dripped off the flannel which I had draped over my head. As the day evolved I was invited by my mother to eat at hers. I declined. I cleaned up since I was alone. Cleaning felt like organising my thoughts by using real items. Once completed I watched THE LION KING, GRUMPIER OLD MEN and YELLOWBEARD. I've watched film after film for so much of my life it's a wonder I have ever experienced anything. G came around again today amd as much as I wanted to do something with her, I refrained. This was a good sign, I could resist her and the second wave of dumping her was beginning.. The part where you look at your ex and go " I thought I told you to fuck off?"

Relax ?

It's the return of the warm stickiness that comes with an English summer. I even had to take my jumper off this afternoon, yeah.. I know.

So the page I created for the presenters and contributors is going well. But I think maybe I put too much effort into it too soon. I don't want the people who are on there thinking I am a sociable person who loves to muck in with everybody else.
It's just my controlling nature at getting everything exactly how I want it. If other people agree it's a bonus.
I look forward to seeing nobody tonight as I have my night off alone. I have a few film reviews to write and maybe THE DECENDANTS to watch.
So it won't be exactly a relaxing night.

I guess I need to write the next WEEK IN MY LIFE too.
Watch this space.

Uprising at the station

It's 3AM and I awoke thinking of drinking a nice cold juice and so that is what I did. A quick look on Facebook has got me sat up in bed writing this now. Sometimes a little wake up is the best things to get you back to sleep.
The day I had before I went to bed was mostly spent at the radio station, firstly recording a show with a friend where I was the guest for a change and then I edited my own show. I then shot up to see my son since it was fathers day to take him to the media museum and eat some buns which he had made for me. It was lovely to see him of course and we had fun. Then I returned to the studio to partake in the meeting which I had instigated a few days earlier. There were a few others who stood up to help the station improve and we formed an alliance which I created a Facebook page for so that we can brain storm ideas and comment on them. I threw a load of posts at that and then went to bed.
One lady told me that I would be doing some outside dealings with the public when getting short recordings with the public as sound bytes. I think her and I may get on, I know we are on the same page. There are many creative people in and around the station and it's a great place to be. It just needs a little help because the leaders can't take care of everything.

So I am making my presence known more and we will see what comes of it.

Out of place and embarrassed

Today I was supposed to attend my son's open day at his new primary school but his mum forgot and so I took time off work to stand amongst four year olds and try and squeeze an apology out of his mum.
What is the point in trying to make my ex feel
Guilty? She will just go into 'so fucking what' mode just like anyone would.
I was there for him that's what counts.

So I raced to the cinema to watch Casa de mi padre and then ROCK OF AGES which I hated with a passion. The woman near me actually sat forward in her chair and sang the songs and even fucking clapped along. She looked at me and saw me at the end of my tether with the film.
Five people walked out before the end.

So another day passes where I twice feel like I was in the wrong place.

Roll on tomorrow.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE PART 5.1

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 5 part 1

JUNE 21st 1996.

As we travel back to this time gone by we discover a 'me' who hasn't been fixed. This is pre marriage, pre fatherhood and pre happy.

I had moved into my first house a year and a month earlier and was still excited mostly about the control I had over my life.
But control was one thing which I definately did not actually have, It was an illusion. I had met a girl from around the corner and started to go out with her and physically I was happy but I was a little bit embarrassed by her too because she was a bit daft. Nowadays I wouldn't be so rude but back then I was a cock, well more of a cock.
So as much as I was happy ish in myself, I also thought about what my mates would say about her behind my back.
"What is he doing?" I thought they'd say, not that they even had girlfriends themselves.
Anyway out of respect, I shall hereby refer to her as G.
I turned G on and off like a tap since she only lived around the corner.
I'd see her for the day and then say I was off out with my mates on the Friday night or whatever and basically thought that I would only enjoy myself if she didn't come out with me, I didn't want to be the only one bringing a girl. Now I can identify my need to operate on my own and that I am unable to maintain a relationship at all which has been very freeing for me ultimately.

It was on such a lads night out that my friend SR introduced me to his work mate who had basically been sacked. He seemed like a quiet lad and got pissed easily because he was a good few years younger than us. He is now someone I consider one of my only three friends. But back then on that night he was expendable. There were four of us out this night and sometimes it was this lads round so he would give us a twenty and nip to the toilets saying "get em out of that and give me the change".
Now it sickens me to say nowadays but I did that excepting that he was so pissed that I never did give him the change. I know I know....

I remind you that he is now a proper mate....

I kept these Friday nights with this crowd going as I continued my relationship with G. But because G had a circle of friends herself she eventually also found stuff to do which was what she did when I wasn't seeing her and my diaries reflect the boot being on the other foot then.

G and her mates had met a lad on particular who would just drive at kind and around all night with them. I started to feel threatened. I felt insecure and jealous.

I give you an extract from my diary.

"I WONDER WHAT G HAS BEEN UP TO.
I HOPE SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
PERHAPS IF I #### HER MORE IT'LL KEEP HER SWEET TOWARDS ME.
I NEED TO BETTER MYSELF (VISUALLY)

I DO TRUST HER MORE THAN NOT BUT THEN I JUDGE PEOPLE BY MY STANDARDS AND IT PISSES ME OFF TO THINK THAT IF I WAS IN THAT SITUATION, I WOILD BE GOING WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
TIME FOR MY BEAUTY SLEEP"

The next night I wrote "tonight I whispered I LOVE YOU in G's ear"
Absolute bollocks but you do what you have to.
Relationships are a power struggle and a happy marriage is when you stop struggling and let her win all the time. I wanted to be in love the most of all but I was never going to be with someone who I thought the world of, just whoever I could get with a low self esteem.


I eventually confronted G with my jealousy and yet the next night this bloke was taking her out and paying for her all night. Even then I didn't have her come with me and cramp my style.
Meanwhile I had her mate coming on to me and I had one foot on the door in case it was an option.
Was G doing the same? Surely I had best snog the mate just in case I needed to equal the hurt.

As much as I tried to physically compensate for my not being emotionally involved with G it made no difference.
Because I convinced myself that I was being wronged I became agitated and would frog march her home if she came to mine and I was decorating and she was there but not helping.
She took some shit off me I have to say and yet always held a candle for me.
Other people like her have taught me what holes I have in my character and soul. Rather than try and change that I just swore myself single forever in 2011.

Eager to improve all

As much as I jumped out of bed eagerly this morning. It took four coffees lift the heaviness from my eye lids. I tidied up at work at 7 AM as I thought through how I would try and improve elements of the radio station.
I felt motivated and everything as achievable. If only God had been wise enough to put more hours in a days rotation. Silly Twat.
So I posted on Facebook asking for people to come to the meeting and brain storm on Sunday.
I got one response from a guy who has recently been pushed out saying "I tried to do that and look what happened"
The comment has since been deleted and I don't know at who's hand.
I need to prepare for Fridays show record but I'm confident that I can do it without much.
Tonight I have my son overnight and everything stops for him until he goes to bed and at that point I may be heading for bed soon.

ASSERTIVE ASSHOLE.

I rushed home and showered and hot footed it to the radio studio to edit my show for Saturday. I has four hours to sort a one hour spot before I had to drive to the cinema for a preview showing of 'Fast Girls'. I was still at the studio and so I missed it because firstly I was editing on the slowest computer and secondly I had a word with radio management and got ahead of myself in what I said. What I was saying without actually saying the direct words was that I could stir up some excitement in the ranks and personally I could offer the station more and in return get more out from doing that.
I am eager to share my enthusiasm for the station and I'm astounded that there seems to be a feeling of slowly drifting along rather than pushing the whole team. So the next thing I know is that I have organised a meeting for whom ever can attend at a time that suits me.
Hell I want it climb the ladder as quickly and as high as possible. I want all the best offers to be offered to me first. I already wash up and offer to clean the toilet area as well as would happily be given the keys to open and lock up. It's very obvious that the few people who run the studio are spread too thinly across every section of responsibility.
I believe if they would only communicate with the team who work there, they might be surprised who wants to offer to do what.

I don't know where this self assured asshole springs up from at times but he is a guy that can get things done. He is a guy that wants his own office one day, other than that I don't know him i just do as he says.

I think if I work together with similarly like minded people at the place then great things may be achieved.

ALL THIS I DO IN HONOUR OF MY SON IN A HOPE TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME.

RE WELCOME

Well I finally made it back to these pages. With writing film reviews etc I find I'm all wrote out after with only my bedtime diary to scrawl on.

It is time to delve into my life again from the pages of diaries past. I think we reached the mid nineties before so I will start in 1995 with my next blog.
But for today I just want to recalibrate my readers.

I write these pages with as little censorship on myself as I possibly can. None of it is meant to offend which is why I don't name people unless they are in on what I am doing here.
I'm no more tortured a soul than the next person but what is undeniable are these two things.
1/ my love for my son
2/ everyone else makes me feel uncomfortable with myself

I was only ever truly focused on being married and in love and having children.
I admit that I overlapped girlfriends early on in a race to find my best suitor.
It was going to be a Miracle for me to find someone who I agreed to marry.
I was 26 when I met my wife and my self harm was becoming something which I was battling.
I conquered it with her help and because I loved the kids she had already.
Our relationship lasted a decade and I don't regret it at all. Mostly because we had my son.

I am the most complete I have ever felt. But with that certainty of who I was came our separation which I think it's fair to say we both agreed on.
But it's the first 28 years of my life which I think are rich in twisted narcissism and self discovery which I enjoy revisiting and sharing to hopefully show you that we all go through shit to reach our inner peace.
It also fuels my self obsession and OCD logging of everything that happens so that I myself can read it back and learn more about myself.

Enjoy. Xx or fuck off.
Cw.

I'm not a loser

I think that was the last attempt at fitting in to a normal party situation.
I was invited to a little get together by a mate who I work with.
I turned up half an hour late on purpose and still found it difficult to not look out of place. I had to walk past a crowd of teenage students as they converged outside which made me feel awkward. Then my work mate was so busy with running the party that I just stood to one side with a Pepsi and looked awkward. Then as I stood alone I noticed that I was not in with the crowd of young ones and not in with the pensioner end and not in with the drinkers and my other work mate had not yet arrived.
I had two other guys talk to me and they were nut jobs.
I was desperate to leave but I was there for my mate. The band started and the lead singer approached the crowd and sang into their faces. That was my cue to leave. Two and a half hours of being a stand alone gooseberry was enough and I was glad to get home.
It doesn't help any that I don't drink but I am also a social outcast and boring when I drink. It's only an issue when I put myself in those situations though. It's my own fault for trying. I hate not being able to hear what people are saying to me due to loud music and that doesn't make me more likeable.
So I think from now on I'll avoid ''party's" because I don't enjoy them and no one seems to enjoy me being there either.
I left feeling bad about myself too which seems unfair.
Once I was home I was fine and relieved having to convince myself that I'm not a loser.

Happy to be invisible.

The long weekend of the queens jubilee included some great moments with my son as we spent hours at Hesketh Farm where we fed a calf and held guinea pigs as well as played in a maze and in the farm park. Just had a wonderful play really. We also went to the media museum which he loves.
I do enjoy hanging out with him amd we really seem to get on and understand each other.
Outside of him, I watched five films at the cinema and a few others at home which led to reviewing here and there.
I also did a ghost investigation in Keighley Business Centre and that was quite good plus recorded and edited my radio show. So I feel that I have crammed a lot in to my break.
I'm a little distracted as I write this as I'm listening to audio from ghost night on my dictaphone and so my concentration is split.

So in the morning it will be Wednesday already. Time seems irrelevant to me these days. I have done a great job of creating a bubble out of the world. Because I am single and have no one but my son to guide me, it means that I neve have to do what I don't want to do. Every moment can be doing what I choose and that means that I NEVER am just sat like you do when you are a couple. My OCD or Autism flavour motivates me beyond normal time allowing to my favourite things. There is no stop and rest if I'm awake. I shut my eyes late in bed and put the iPad away. Then I awake and within ten minutes I am watching a film or something. Time is sand falling through our fingers. But I struggle to identify weekdays anymore and especially weekends. I don't drink and so never consider what day it is. If I have my son then it's all him. If I don't then I continue what I do most of the time. Nothing interrupts my swimming in myself.
Happiness is not having other people inject upon your thoughts.
Rather than get lonely....I want to disappear more.