A WEEK IN MY LIFE PART 5.1

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 5 part 1

JUNE 21st 1996.

As we travel back to this time gone by we discover a 'me' who hasn't been fixed. This is pre marriage, pre fatherhood and pre happy.

I had moved into my first house a year and a month earlier and was still excited mostly about the control I had over my life.
But control was one thing which I definately did not actually have, It was an illusion. I had met a girl from around the corner and started to go out with her and physically I was happy but I was a little bit embarrassed by her too because she was a bit daft. Nowadays I wouldn't be so rude but back then I was a cock, well more of a cock.
So as much as I was happy ish in myself, I also thought about what my mates would say about her behind my back.
"What is he doing?" I thought they'd say, not that they even had girlfriends themselves.
Anyway out of respect, I shall hereby refer to her as G.
I turned G on and off like a tap since she only lived around the corner.
I'd see her for the day and then say I was off out with my mates on the Friday night or whatever and basically thought that I would only enjoy myself if she didn't come out with me, I didn't want to be the only one bringing a girl. Now I can identify my need to operate on my own and that I am unable to maintain a relationship at all which has been very freeing for me ultimately.

It was on such a lads night out that my friend SR introduced me to his work mate who had basically been sacked. He seemed like a quiet lad and got pissed easily because he was a good few years younger than us. He is now someone I consider one of my only three friends. But back then on that night he was expendable. There were four of us out this night and sometimes it was this lads round so he would give us a twenty and nip to the toilets saying "get em out of that and give me the change".
Now it sickens me to say nowadays but I did that excepting that he was so pissed that I never did give him the change. I know I know....

I remind you that he is now a proper mate....

I kept these Friday nights with this crowd going as I continued my relationship with G. But because G had a circle of friends herself she eventually also found stuff to do which was what she did when I wasn't seeing her and my diaries reflect the boot being on the other foot then.

G and her mates had met a lad on particular who would just drive at kind and around all night with them. I started to feel threatened. I felt insecure and jealous.

I give you an extract from my diary.

"I WONDER WHAT G HAS BEEN UP TO.
I HOPE SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
PERHAPS IF I #### HER MORE IT'LL KEEP HER SWEET TOWARDS ME.
I NEED TO BETTER MYSELF (VISUALLY)

I DO TRUST HER MORE THAN NOT BUT THEN I JUDGE PEOPLE BY MY STANDARDS AND IT PISSES ME OFF TO THINK THAT IF I WAS IN THAT SITUATION, I WOILD BE GOING WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
TIME FOR MY BEAUTY SLEEP"

The next night I wrote "tonight I whispered I LOVE YOU in G's ear"
Absolute bollocks but you do what you have to.
Relationships are a power struggle and a happy marriage is when you stop struggling and let her win all the time. I wanted to be in love the most of all but I was never going to be with someone who I thought the world of, just whoever I could get with a low self esteem.


I eventually confronted G with my jealousy and yet the next night this bloke was taking her out and paying for her all night. Even then I didn't have her come with me and cramp my style.
Meanwhile I had her mate coming on to me and I had one foot on the door in case it was an option.
Was G doing the same? Surely I had best snog the mate just in case I needed to equal the hurt.

As much as I tried to physically compensate for my not being emotionally involved with G it made no difference.
Because I convinced myself that I was being wronged I became agitated and would frog march her home if she came to mine and I was decorating and she was there but not helping.
She took some shit off me I have to say and yet always held a candle for me.
Other people like her have taught me what holes I have in my character and soul. Rather than try and change that I just swore myself single forever in 2011.