I awoke from a dream this morning which was in a way a nightmare. It's a reoccurring situation I dream I'm in. I dream I am back with an ex. It's as if my real life was the dream and I'm realising that I have to now pretend to be interested in this woman. it's horrible and claustrophobic. But as I wake up and one half of the bed is cold I regain equilibrium and feel a satisfaction come over me. I listen to the quiet. Absolute bliss. The silence is a warm blanket for my soul.
I tell myself again that I will never return to those dark waters and then peering into the bathroom mirror recognise that it's a good job I don't want to meet another succubus. With my greying and decaying face it would be a somewhat uphill struggle and on top of that there is my avoidance of FUN and my controlling anxiety issues.
Alone.
It's wonderful.
And yet it used to be hell. What happened?
I got what I asked for and it was shit.
I watched ANNIE HALL again and Woody Allen reminded me of how I feel. Unsure and unsteady, but happy in a room by myself without other peoples disappointment in me clouding my mind.
I wear a shield of discomfort where others where fake confidence and I think that shows just how anxiety ridden I am inside. But you know, it's not a big issue without someone calling me on it.
I am constantly doing something even down to my watching a film as when I do that at home I have to make notes incase I want to use it for the radio stuff.
I have my writing table set up now and writing by lamp light whilst drinking coffee makes me feel a certain poetry to make existence.
I can't imagine balancing everything on my world better. But you just never know what's to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment