Sons 5th birthday

My son turned 5 recently and he had been off school with his mum whilst he played with his new toys. I spoke to him by phone in the morning and got the rundown of the new additions. 

I raced to get him after work and set about opening presents from me and his gran. He didn't know what to play with first. I let him stay up a bit as he had not long got this latest stuff. He's always a good boy over going to bed. 

I started to write our investigation write up and it was my bedtime quickly after. 

The following morning was a day where although he was 'off' school, he had to go to the out of school club for the day.  So he had two houses with new presents and yet he wouldn't be at either. 

Poor thing. 

We will have a LONG game tomorrow afternoon together though. 

I have zero trouble about him turning 5 as I've milked every moment of every hour Ive had him. 

A friendship made in heaven. Except without the wings. 

My ex marriage

"You don't want to keep dating the girl who doesn't like you" 

Geoffrey Tambor, talking about Arrested Development. Yet it describes my motivation to end the only marriage I will ever have.  

Give up on 'giving up'

My thoughts turned to my marriage this morning, the one which ended two and a half years ago. When I hear of people getting married I link it to 'giving up' on life and saying "well that's it now, I'm just going to sit on this couch and rot alongside you as we bicker about trivial bullshit such as who's turn it is to put the bins out". Since I became single again Ive honed my life to what I always wanted. I awoke alone in bed this morning and rolled over, not disturbing anyone and it was lovely. No early morning grunt filled conversation and no thoughts of 'wouldn't life be better if I wasn't here'. 

I gave up on marriage in the end. I was content to sit and see my days through married, but luckily my wife reminded me weekly that I wasn't good at relationships. In the end I thought.. "Actually, you are right, I'm unhappy too!!!" And if she hadn't pressed home the notion constantly, I would still be there, miserable, but having 'given in' for life. With only the dream of splitting up once the kids had grown up and we had to face the facts that we had fuck all in common. 

So I gave up on giving up! I chose life again, my way. 

And this time I would be happy. 

And a this time on I've not been sad or miserable since. 

My days are filled with a lovely happy, calm, stress free existence. 

If you can relate to what I'm saying then just right off the next twelve months and think, by this time in a year, I'll be totally happy. Forever. X 

What's planned ?

Well the short week is underway after the bank holiday. I will be reviewing audio from our latest investigation in Stanbury and writing the write up for it. All being well I shall also watch one film and read a bit of my book. 

What's next on my agenda this year? 

Erm Hadrian's Wall visit this weekend and a bit of concentrating on putting my Medium Interviews project together. As much as I love watching films, it's been quite difficult this year watching one a day in my attempt to watch 365 in 2013. I look forward to 2014 when I can watch as and when. 

I can be too obsessive at times. 

I have a 40th birthday to attend this weekend also and I hope I'm not there too long into being surrounded by pissed people. 

It's good to be just the right amount of 'busy' though.  

Bank holiday weekend, weekend

My son and I went swimming at Skipton bath for two hours. The baby pool was lovely and warm and the floats and small slide kept him entertained. The weekend was sunny enough for us to enjoy a picnic in the park which is always a joy. We ended our Saturday with a bout of Xbox lego batman. 

My Saturday night was a case of going with our ghost team PPS to a ruin of a cotton mill deep in the local valley. There was a hot topic of animosity growing in the team over a certain member but I wanted no part of it. I avoid confrontation if I can. But it was a great night with the team and after a slow start we contacted a spirit with a nasty past. This same spirit answered one of my questions via the ouija board with s-u-c-k m-y c-o-c-k which was amusing rather than threatening. It was a fairly punishing walk back out of that valley at 9 PM. 

Sunday morning was unusual because after waking up at 6AM, I actually drifted off and surprised myself by waking up at 8:30 again. 

I remembered that I had not had the time to wash my printing press off on Friday and so I journeyed in to work on a Sunday to do it. I listened to podcasts whilst I cleaned to distract myself from the fact that I was at work. 

I used the rest of my morning reading my Lee Childs which I'm enjoying. 

Not long after dinner I picked up my boy and following a lengthy catch up with his mum, I took him to a family gathering which was for my sons and both brothers birthdays. The sun made for a nice afternoon in the garden and my lad enjoyed it. A couple of hours playing at mine and bedtime crept up on us both. 

A good couple of days and now it's a bonus bank holiday Monday off. 

Learning to read...

A sunny Saturday morning finds my son and I in bed watching Netflix and eating breakfast. No work or school and no real commitments to speak of. We are going to buy him since new trainers when we can be arsed and then go swimming this afternoon. Luckily for us we are seeing each other everyday at some point  over the bank holiday. With the weather being sunny at this moment, our investigation of a ruined mill tonight with PPS seems likely to go ahead without a hitch. I'm looking forward to it actually as the natural electromagnetic levels will be very low and so i'll be able to pick up better evidence.  

My son got a certificate for reading yesterday at school and this means he can read really well. The knock on effect means he reads graffiti if he sees it too. He saw some as we were driving and said "does that say arse?" . I told him that was a rude word and he didn't know what for, but I explained that now he knows what it is, he doesn't get to say it again. He saw the logic and not being told off for saying a word innocently and then being told off next time. How does a kid know what's rude until he says it, after all? 

What if I'm dead ?

I feel better for a good wad of sleep last night. Another cheekily mild temperatured day met me as I left for work. The second May bank holiday is upon us and PPS is investigating a dilapidated mill in a West Yorkshire valley if the dry weather holds up. I'm looking forward to it I have to say. Hopefully one of our team will get to try Scrying whilst we are on location. 

I'm feeling positive about my life which is a wonderful feeling. I'm trying to pass a similar feeling onto my little boy too so our memories are happy ones. 

I'm seeing a lot of him from now until Monday (5 days time). 

I wrapped all of his presents last night and look forward to him opening them. 

I've seen a few more relationships fracture around me as loves flame gets put out by the passage of time. It's fucking amazing to be single and glad that you are. Why build something up that will collapse on top of your heart? 

I go about my way doing as I please at the times I choose and as often as I wish. 

Ah, that's better... My stomach has chilli con Carne in it. I wish I had some pudding now. Four hours of work to go yet and a laid back attitude to work around. Thoughts turn to my little 4 year old who will be eating his dinner at school as I write. Xbox lego Batman with him tonight no doubt. 

Speaking of which, if you are reading this from the future, I will say this; the x box one (720) had something of an unveiling yesterday and the PS4 seems to be waiting in the wings. Two purchases which I will no doubt end up wanting. 

So how is the future where you are? If its just tomorrow from 22/5/13 then I guess little has changed. But if it 2020 for example, how are the hover bikes working out for you? I hope the apple iPod version 16 is a good one. 

Hey, what if I'm dead as you read this? 

Fuck..   That's a sobering thought. 

What would I want to say to those, like you dear reader, in the future? 

Erm.... Hello? No that's not good enough. 

I guess I want say that I died happy (hopefully) and that my son was the cure for every ill in my life. Please don't destroy my diaries and writings. Erm and I can contacted on a ouija board if anyone needs me. 

Mid day blog

A mid morning blog entry following on from this mornings pre work entry. My body has retained the spring in my step, but my eyes are like the proverbial 'pissholes in the snow'. Tiredness is at home in my eye sockets but my body everywhere else is jumping to a beat created by four coffees. Oh and another thing I just fixed was a massive hole in my stomach. I was really hungry this morning and I just ate my pre made lunch finally consisting of chicken in a herb filled bag thingy plus roasted vegetables which I made and froze over a week ago. Delicious. 

I'm counting the hours until I can leave and have an hour with my eyes shut. 

A 4:30am film watch this morning was a stupid idea looking back. But I couldn't sleep so at least I ticked something off the list in that time. 

My stomach feels full now as the food digests. I may drink tea all afternoon instead of coffee. I'm deep in my own thoughts stood here, listening to the rhythmic clatter of my printing press pound out the sheets. 13,270 sheets today- numbers fans!

I've a lot to be thankful for at the moment. I talking about the major things. I have a job, house, car and well balanced weekly schedule. 

I like me at the moment and that's worth a lot. 

The early morning silence.

I awoke at 4:40am and finished watching DEADFALL on Netflix. It's awkward when you awaken a couple of hours before the usual waking up time for work. Your body fires into gear and its hard for me to fall back to sleep just for an hour or so. So after the film ended I watched 6 Days To Air about the making of South Park. Then I jumped in the shower and had a shave, which made a nice change actually, I mean the morning shower not the shave. I can hear the birds signing outside and even the grey overcast sky doesn't shake the feelings of spring away. A feeling of pleasantness is inside me today and until my eyes rebel later, I think I will have a spring in my step for most of the day. Tonight there is a PPS meeting at my house to see what locations we will be tackling etc. Most of the team met up in Bingley last night for a newspaper story on the team. They ran a little session in the Brown Cow pub and apparently they had a bizarre night with a spirit. The peacefulness on this morning is bliss and I'm savouring it. 

Well I raise my coffee cup to you dear reader and wish you well, where ever you are. 

Tarot readings 2013

On this Sunday morning in May 2013, I awoke and sat up in bed at 7AM and watched a film in bed. It was called SAFE and I enjoyed it on my small iPad screen just like I had enjoyed it at the cinema. I showered and drank a coffee before driving through to Bradford where I watched Fast And The Furious 6, which while stupid and implausible, still managed to be entertaining. I arrived home for dinner and then drove to collect a fellow PPS teammate and take them to mine to read their Tarot cards for them. I had a second client not show up unfortunately. It was only last night that I'd given three strangers from Riddlesden my first readings in over fifteen years.  My readings were received very well and i actually enjoyed doing it. I.m glad to say that tonights went well too. After dropping my friend home once again, I returned for my tea at home and wrote up a false reading taken from cards picked at random. I hope to present my teammate with this fake reading's results on Tuesday and see if she can associate with it the same as she could with the real one. I'm curious to see just how much work the cards do and the client does. I also researched a mill which we are investigating soon to make a note of names and dates of relevance. For some unknown reason, I impulse bought a ghost grid pen of my own which is a laser pen which can shoot various curtains of laser beams into the darkness as we investigate. With my devoting an hour of afternoon to reading my second Jack Reacher novel, I felt a sense of achievement. I have a busy week ahead with one thing and another and will take it one day at a time, although it's not as though I have a choice is it?. 

Well even if my brain isn't tired, my eyes are, so goodnight for now.  

Lazy sniffles

Well I awoke with a dose of the sniffles on this Saturday morning. My son joined me in bed with a croak in his throat for morning iPad in bed time as is our custom. The 8am clock reading read 10am in the blink of an eye. Our minor ailments had rubbed our swimming plans off the schedule. I pulled one of my sons planned birthday presents out of the cupboard ahead of time since it is actually on tv tonight anyway. The film was Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. He liked at but was still restless, jumping about on my head as he watched. He said he wanted to watch Young Justice while eating his dinner and so that's what we did. It started raining outside so that made me feel that we weren't missing much in the outside world. 

Sometimes a lazy day is just the ticket needed actually. 

An emotional shipwreck.

Just another rainy week in May which replaced the sunny spell. My son seems to have had a cold creep up on him in fact. On Monday i played with my boy followed by drum lessons with my step son. On Tuesday i had a reasonable chill out and watched The Hunter which i enjoyed. Last night my boy stopped again and he lost himself in Lego Batman 2 for the XBOX 360 which had arrived from Lovefilm. we had a good chuckle this morning as we danced to The Girl From Imponeena (or however its spelt) before we went on the school run. I had a ghost team colleague get in touch and tell me that i had to write a small piece for our author friend who was going to use it in his next book. It was about our ghost team and  our approach to what we do. I concentrated on that in the evening and it went rather well. It appears that this will end up in print at some point which is exciting. 

I have been laying low to some degree but on the other hand i posted a few bits on Twitter as well as Tumblr. This evening has been spent watching Human Centipede 2 which i enjoyed actually more than the first. 

I'm currently listening to The Orb as i write this, it's like old times in a way. Those endless teenage hours which passed by outside of my closed curtains and which continue to pass by outside my closed lounge blind. God knows how long we have on this rock and if we use our time wisely. I am bidding on my last EBay item tonight towards gifts for my son at some stage. I have bought more than i thought i had. I'm quite looking forward to my Tarot evenings ahead followed by our ghost team meeting. It is time we hopped back on the horse. 

My 39th birthday is drawing ever nearer too and I keep thinking about how i'd best like to  celebrate it. My son will be here on that night which makes it better. Will we simply get fish and chips or Macdonalds?

I just would like to mark it in a way we both remember. I feel like a sad character at the moment. I hope others don't view me like that. You see a friend of mine has spent most of his life without the usual amount of female fumblings  he has finally snagged an older lady who he seems to be having a good time with. This fuses the world of divorced mother and almost virginal younger bloke. One is welcoming the learning curve and the other carries battle scars no doubt from the endings of previous relationships. I just wouldn't feel comfortable in either shoes. But there is definitely the feeling of being 'undervalued'. I have to say that being in a relationship carries with it a certain validity which being alone doesn't replace. I miss being quantified as good person and at times just lately start to wonder if i'm viewed as some kind of emotional shipwreck.  As you well know there are days when I celebrate this fact but if you get a sudden happy state come along, there's no one to share it with. 

There's a world of people out there and even with the invention of these social network sites, it still isn't the same as someone making you feel worthy. I know I myself, am still processing my reaction to my marriage overall and even still justifying actions in relationships from years ago to try and grasp what i should be feeling in the here and now. I just can't stop my defence shield from going up. 

Why do i only miss my son? Why am i so insular? Why do i give a fuck? 

Maybe I'm one of those people who has to mope about frequently. 

One thing I am though is relaxed about my current life. If something should happen of interest then i think i am able to adapt. My life does feel like it's becoming more interesting each year, even if only to me. There's definitely a progression at play. Which can't be bad.   

Blue tooth keyboard

Well this is amazing actually. I finally received my blue tooth keyboard today along with many other E bay items. This is the first thing which i have written with it. The first thing to note is that twenty years ago my first thing to write would have been CHRIS RULES OK, so thankfully i've matured a bit. The second thing to note is the difference in command that this keyboard has when starting a sentence. 

theres no automatic capital letter at the start of a new sentence and no apostrophe automatically inserted on words like im, for 'I'm'.

But its still cool for twelve quid. (The keyboard also doesn't have a '£' sign. Plus you can still jump easily into writing using the screen keys. Just like I have here. 

I've had a great afternoon with my son and then stepson. But after watching Warehouse 13 series 2 in bed I am yawning my head off and so am calling it a night. 

Goodnight. 

Another Sunday

Sunday morning in bed with my son playing Lego Batman beside me. This is just déjà vu as this is our Saturday routine normally. He stopped over again because his other bedroom smells of paint fumes at his mums. This is one of the last weeks of him being four years old. All the things he will ever be is say next to me. So in a way all the things I was at four is also sat next to him. 

After watching The Wizard Of Oz last night I half expected him to have a bad dream. Last night was the first time in my life that watching the witch hasn't frightened ME and I'm 38. I think I'll try him with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory today with Johnny Depp. 

I replaced my fridge yesterday successfully and so I have my old weighty one in my kitchen awaiting disposal. These tiny hurdles are being overcome on a weekly bases recently. The ghost stuff is quiet of late since our last White Horse public event. I'm still practising my Tarot layouts though in order to do some readings for strangers. I've enjoyed building up a passion for it again. 

I'm approaching 8000 views on this blog which I think is more down to keywords coming up in google search rather than people seeking me out.  

But as I've said before, this blog is written for me, but can be read by anyone. 

Between this and my diary I think I've got my life documented. 

On a trivial note, just for the record... I'm watching The Wonder Years 'series 2' (my most favourite programme ever!) and Warehouse 13 'series 2' which is pretty light and throwaway. There's just so much to watch on Lovefilm and Netflix and its never ending. I actually miss listening to CDs and reading at times. But being mentally active is how I maintain happiness these days and that means a reduction in naval gazing which leads to  dwelling'. 

Life is sweet and I appreciate it. 

The circle of life (2013)

2:45 am. I awoke from a dream where I was walking round a library/book shop which doubled as an elderly couples lounge area and thought about my fridge being broken. I started having the phantom conversation with my landlord, asking if it was his responsibility which got my mind working so much that I had to accept that I was awake. So I'm now having a little time trying to be awake, in order to welcome sleep once more. Other things on my mind include the arrival of a Bluetooth keyboard and an Ipad stand to aid my writing. I'm excited about those coming. 

Visiting my grandma last night (who it turns out is age 93 and not as I stated,98- her sister is nearly 99), it got me taking about how fleeting the years are when your kids are just kids. My gran reflected on her days in the land army and riding a bike daily for over ten miles to wherever and back without feeling a muscle ache the next day. "Our bikes were like a part of our body" she said. Then she spoke of her and my grandad visiting nearly all of our country but for some reason never getting him to take her to Edinburgh. 

I hope I get to travel with my son as he gets older. I guess my future is cloudy at the moment and I like it that way because it gives me a reason to push in and still be interested. I'm happy, but letting things happen. I guess I'm busy trying to be the best person that I can be. I hope I live into my nineties. 

That reminds me...........I got to thinking about turning 39 this year and how people will inevitably become wrapped up in asking me how I feel about approaching 40 soon. We get into a position with our age where we don't welcome our birthdays as we don't like getting older. But I realised that I hoped to have loads of birthdays if possible. I mean would I rather not reach my 40th birthday? Hell, I should embrace reaching 50, 75 and 100 surely. By 100 my son would have had his whole adult life practically and his children would be well underway with it. This must be where my grandma is in her life. Her grandchildren have children and technically could they could be parents in five years or so. The circle of life and all that. 

I should just concentrate on my fragment on this rock. Which I think these pages show, is what I do. 

How will my blog differ in ten years? Will it still exist? Jesus, will I exist? 

I suppose it's the not knowing that makes us get out if bed in the morning. 

May 10/2013

10th May 2013

Well I've bought loads on E Bay to be honest and very little of it 'shit I don't need' or 'shit I can't afford'. 

So it's waiting time now while it all arrives at work which makes next week an exciting prospect. 

It's a rainy Friday outside the school gates here and I've rung ahead to my sons great grandma (98?) who we are visiting when school finishes. I brought a cardboard box home from work today which will become a goodie/baddies base of some kind I imagine. With the weather being wet I figured we would be playing inside with figures a lot and since he is getting a load for his birthday I thought I should get him back into it. 

I'm feeling positive today about things after a tiny wobble mid week. Nothing too worrying, in fact it only seemed like a wobble at all because everything is so good usually. I went to watch Star Trek Into Darkness last night and enjoyed every minute of it! I can't wait for JJ Abrams to get his teeth into Star Wars. 

Having stayed out of the coffee group at work I finally was rewarded. There was finally a grumble about those who make coffees and those who don't. I make my own all the time because I'd be annoyed if these debates ever arose. It was great to not be included in these bad vibes. Keep yourself to yourself I say, and that way I can have a drink ANY time and I'm not governed by 'coffee time' or having to make eight drinks every time I am thirsty. 

 

Your tongue is in a wet place and therefore likely to slip.

I joined E Bay, bid and won the hell out if E Bay with last ten second bids. That resulted in my having so many presents for my little lad that I have Christmas covered also. The stuff I've bought him is brilliant too. 

I know I'm about fifteen years or more behind the E Bay revolution but, hell it's addictive and exhilarating. It's quite a rush. My lad and I spent an hour playing superheroes before school night bedtime snuck up on us and I settled down to watch Star Trek 1 (again) before  Into Darkness tomorrow. 

During a conversation online with a female friend, I started down a path which was heading straight for my pouring out negative pourings about relationships being shit, when I lulled the plug and shut the hell up. 

I shut down. I could sense and recognised that my negative self was the one about to speak rather than the side of me which is happy with my place in the world. I learnt something about myself right then. It turned out that I hadn't properly dealt with my reaction overall to my marriage split. It's a grey area which involves many ingredients. But one things for sure, I come off like the bad guy on face value and running my mouth off would not make me seem like a victim at all, but rather a cold hearted son of a bitch. 

So I took control of my tongue and shut down before I hated myself later on, for NOT shutting up. 

No sooner had I stumbled in to my first 'almost' genuine conversation about my post marriage breakdown feelings, than I had freaked out at myself and subsequently was going to look like an unstable freak.

 My self hatred strand had jumped up to speak and I had a battle on to beat it back into submission. 

So I maintained radio silence for the rest of the night. 

I think I'm back in control now, but as ever , I need to steer away from airing my thoughts on romance. 

 

Square peg, round hole.

Life....the ever increasing dirt clod which picks up all manner of crap along its rolling way. Baggage, something we all acquire regardless of how many warnings we hear. Baggage can be a small exchange if words spoken which cannot be taken back or the death of a person as a result of you having an accident. What ever it is, it's gonna stay with you in sme form for the rest of your conscious days.
But what of the baggage which you have about the things you 'didn't' do?
How is it that we can carry non events with us through life? I don't quite understand it but its true.
I'm battling my choices every day. But as I sit here trying to see how and if I went wrong, then I cannot actually see how it could ever have gone a different way.
Lets cut to the chase. After a special day again with my son, I had to take him home. I roll up outside my last place of residence and see 'the latest guy' washing my ex wife's car and his own. The mower resides still on the first lawn and teenage kids occupy themselves in the fresh sun. A typical suburban day in the world.
I pull up and drop my son off and feel the weight of letting him go again. It's like letting go of a guide rope as an astronaut deep in space. I could predict the free fall that would follow. But I also wanted to show that I had no ill feelings towards anyone. I was just yet again, a square peg in a round hole. I made a point of saying a hello just as much to the new guy as my stepson. My stepson replied and straight away and so I repeated a hello for new guy. He looked shocked (as ever) and mumbled a hello in return. Just like my friendliness confused my e wife's previous ex husband, it seems to leave the new guy on the back foot. He probably dislikes me just as a standard setting.
I saw him doing the exact little sunny day jobs as I used to do. And the thought that came to me was.....you're fucking welcome to those jobs mate. My ex wife was the last one to appear, looking larger than she ever did when she was with me and munching on crisps which made it all the more comical. (No disrespect actually meant) .
I know I was the one who threw the towel in but then I remember that she felt it was an empty relationship for years prior to me admitting it. The relationship was still born. The only important part for me had been the birth of my child. But as much as I now there could've been no indifferent outcome, it doesn't stop me imagining one, as if I've missed out on it. I drove away trying to ignore the fragment of my soul which gets left behind each time I drop him off.
It's been two years since I left and I've not had a partner since and I've not come close. But then there's the friendship which has filled the gap somewhat with my ex girlfriend of years ago. I sometimes feel like she is my girlfriend replacement but I hold her at a distance. This is a girl who has her own life and let's be honest her own 'life's baggage' to carry. But a little voice tells me that if she met someone else I'd feel a little heartbroken about it. That scares me I guess.
I still have a fundamentally bad view of love. It's a fungus in my eyes. Yet company is a good idea right? Having someone to ask how you are is a need right?
I don't understand how I feel completely.
I don't want to look back and see that I threw away my last good years just out of stubbornness.
But I also know that I don't fit into the normal perimeters of a relationship.
I can't fully feel justified being on the outer rim of life looking down on it and I can't throw my utter freedom away to trade half my time to 'compromise' with a partner.

Why the fuck do people go on about compromise anyway, it just means you only get half of what you want!

Capture your memories and save save save

I got up at 7:30 in the am because I could picture myself finishing off some tv series I'd been watching. If this is the most pressing thoughts I have then I live a great life. I watched the last three episodes of 'Workaholics' series 1 and then the last four episodes of 'Game Of Thrones' series 2. I turned the tv off in order to T-cut the van wings and listen to a movie podcast plus walk to the co-op for a few bits.
I laid out my third tarot practice layout and wrote it all down for another day.
Something compelled me to FINALLY dig out my camcorder tapes of my son as a baby of 0-4 which have sat about in the tapes unprocessed until now. I was expecting complications to arise but no, it went smoothly enough. This meant that I was watching an almost forgotten few years of my life and my marriage. A lot of memories came flooding back but very little of my marriage due to the nature if me only recording my interactions with my son alone. It was as if nobody else existed. Add to this the fact that this morning I had written in and read some of my ''Words Of Wisdom' a4 book with has covered various phases of my life since 1994. I was staggered by the different areas of growth and deay which were verbalised in those pages.
The outcome of this day was that I have a massive reason to be happy. I should be proud of my documentation skills and praise myself for staying sane alone.
My son returned tonight for our big day tomorrow at the Star Wars Fan Day. I showed him the camcorder footage and even he could see how I'd loved him from the very start.
We cuddled each other in appreciation of each other.
I put him to bed like he was the most fragile angel in the universe, and he cuddled me like I was the last father left.
A very reflective day but a positive one all the same.

Family bonds or not?

Friday May 3rd 2013.

I raced into work and got down to vacuuming and hand washing the van as suggested by my boss. Come the afternoon I was outside my home applying T-Cut to the bonnet in what I took to be a uniform circular manner but its since dried to a sporadic dull area here and there.
It's looking better since fixed anyhow and the roof is gonna be a struggle with it being so high off the ground and my human legs propelling my upper half less high. But at least seeing the end product will be harder also on top of the van.
Speaking of roofs being slightly dodgy....my hair line underwent my latest assessment this week as I held my hair back. I e mailed my father what I thought was a jokey message telling him how I had never had a prime as I got my first grey hair in my twenties and my hairline was retreating like an army of cowards. His response was two part... 'Is that an issue? You have a wonderful son and it could be worse, you could be me'. I didn't know where to go with that really. Such a short response held many questions of interpretations to me. Here's a guy who does message me most weeks after years of disappearing from his families lives. Then when I reply in an attempt at a possible conversation, I get no response until the next e mail as if that's a clean slate again. No doubt my father finds me difficult and in his head is trying his best but I also find him so easy to criticise. I've tried to do the right thing by agreeing to re establish contact with him, but he still never communicate with me on a loving father/son level. It feels contractually based. I'll simply never know the guy. Is he more fucked up and robotic than me? Are we repelling each other exactly the same? Am I the one who doesn't let him open up? The bizarre thing is my brothers would suggest that I have the most contact with him actually which seems weird. He never puts any of his soul into his exchanges. I do worry that he's in a dark turmoil the likes of which I experienced through my twenties and he doesn't have the ability to reach out. Actually I KNOW he and I (and maybe my brothers?) share the decision to run away from difficult situations and erase the memory of them sooner than fix them the hard way. He is a mystery to me and i to him.
I should say that I don't really know my own brothers inside and out. Barely even out if I'm honest. No one ever tells each other their inner feelings until something massively horrid happens. Because nothing horrid has happened yet, no one gives or opens up to each other.

On a less analytical note, I'm picking my son up from school now and in the morning we hope to go to the seaside together where I will tell him I love him half a dozen times and photograph our trip together. He is a challis of golden sunshine which is made from pure love. Some people live a blessed life because they as rich. I live a blessed life currently due to my relationship with my own son.
I dread him having proper friends when he's older.

May. Injections

All I had in my mind today was taking my son to have his measles and tetanus injections. It all went smoothly in the end and we set off to mine where he is currently playing Lego Batman on the iPad beside me.
All being well I shall have him all Bank Holiday Monday. The sun graced us with its presence today so we had the shutter up at work all day. Last night I finally re painted my bedroom walls where condensation had caused a light mould if I'm honest. So I've tackled the rubbish jobs I had to do excepting for T Cut on the van, but that's not a bad job in nice weather.

I hoping for a peaceful summer with great memories with my son and I doing stuff. It's not a lot to ask for is it?