Life....the ever increasing dirt clod which picks up all manner of crap along its rolling way. Baggage, something we all acquire regardless of how many warnings we hear. Baggage can be a small exchange if words spoken which cannot be taken back or the death of a person as a result of you having an accident. What ever it is, it's gonna stay with you in sme form for the rest of your conscious days.
But what of the baggage which you have about the things you 'didn't' do?
How is it that we can carry non events with us through life? I don't quite understand it but its true.
I'm battling my choices every day. But as I sit here trying to see how and if I went wrong, then I cannot actually see how it could ever have gone a different way.
Lets cut to the chase. After a special day again with my son, I had to take him home. I roll up outside my last place of residence and see 'the latest guy' washing my ex wife's car and his own. The mower resides still on the first lawn and teenage kids occupy themselves in the fresh sun. A typical suburban day in the world.
I pull up and drop my son off and feel the weight of letting him go again. It's like letting go of a guide rope as an astronaut deep in space. I could predict the free fall that would follow. But I also wanted to show that I had no ill feelings towards anyone. I was just yet again, a square peg in a round hole. I made a point of saying a hello just as much to the new guy as my stepson. My stepson replied and straight away and so I repeated a hello for new guy. He looked shocked (as ever) and mumbled a hello in return. Just like my friendliness confused my e wife's previous ex husband, it seems to leave the new guy on the back foot. He probably dislikes me just as a standard setting.
I saw him doing the exact little sunny day jobs as I used to do. And the thought that came to me was.....you're fucking welcome to those jobs mate. My ex wife was the last one to appear, looking larger than she ever did when she was with me and munching on crisps which made it all the more comical. (No disrespect actually meant) .
I know I was the one who threw the towel in but then I remember that she felt it was an empty relationship for years prior to me admitting it. The relationship was still born. The only important part for me had been the birth of my child. But as much as I now there could've been no indifferent outcome, it doesn't stop me imagining one, as if I've missed out on it. I drove away trying to ignore the fragment of my soul which gets left behind each time I drop him off.
It's been two years since I left and I've not had a partner since and I've not come close. But then there's the friendship which has filled the gap somewhat with my ex girlfriend of years ago. I sometimes feel like she is my girlfriend replacement but I hold her at a distance. This is a girl who has her own life and let's be honest her own 'life's baggage' to carry. But a little voice tells me that if she met someone else I'd feel a little heartbroken about it. That scares me I guess.
I still have a fundamentally bad view of love. It's a fungus in my eyes. Yet company is a good idea right? Having someone to ask how you are is a need right?
I don't understand how I feel completely.
I don't want to look back and see that I threw away my last good years just out of stubbornness.
But I also know that I don't fit into the normal perimeters of a relationship.
I can't fully feel justified being on the outer rim of life looking down on it and I can't throw my utter freedom away to trade half my time to 'compromise' with a partner.
Why the fuck do people go on about compromise anyway, it just means you only get half of what you want!
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