I joined E Bay, bid and won the hell out if E Bay with last ten second bids. That resulted in my having so many presents for my little lad that I have Christmas covered also. The stuff I've bought him is brilliant too.
I know I'm about fifteen years or more behind the E Bay revolution but, hell it's addictive and exhilarating. It's quite a rush. My lad and I spent an hour playing superheroes before school night bedtime snuck up on us and I settled down to watch Star Trek 1 (again) before Into Darkness tomorrow.
During a conversation online with a female friend, I started down a path which was heading straight for my pouring out negative pourings about relationships being shit, when I lulled the plug and shut the hell up.
I shut down. I could sense and recognised that my negative self was the one about to speak rather than the side of me which is happy with my place in the world. I learnt something about myself right then. It turned out that I hadn't properly dealt with my reaction overall to my marriage split. It's a grey area which involves many ingredients. But one things for sure, I come off like the bad guy on face value and running my mouth off would not make me seem like a victim at all, but rather a cold hearted son of a bitch.
So I took control of my tongue and shut down before I hated myself later on, for NOT shutting up.
No sooner had I stumbled in to my first 'almost' genuine conversation about my post marriage breakdown feelings, than I had freaked out at myself and subsequently was going to look like an unstable freak.
My self hatred strand had jumped up to speak and I had a battle on to beat it back into submission.
So I maintained radio silence for the rest of the night.
I think I'm back in control now, but as ever , I need to steer away from airing my thoughts on romance.
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